Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Great Annual Appraisal !

Ok this part is true – File this in the non-fiction shelf.

My company’s campus is such that it is some distance from the main gate to the building where we all work (700 meters to be precise). And it’s uphill. And our company through its green initiative or some other HR shit decided to keep bicycles at the gate which employees can take from the gate to the main building.

But the problem is, as I mentioned before, that it is some distance and it is uphill. So much that lazy fat bastards like me can’t cycle till there without their life flashing before their eyes. And most people are like me in my company, they wanna whiz on the cycles downhill, but not the other way around. So this creates a serious logistics issue; that all the cycles are piled up downhill with no one to take them up, and people waiting up for the cycles which never reach them. So my caring company has devised a solution, we have one guard whose job is to take cycles from the gate to the building. That’s what he does all day, he starts at around 11 and ships cycles to the building stand, by riding one and holding one in the other hand and deposits them uphill so that employees coming out of the building in the evening can ride them down with ease and get the hell out a tad faster. That what that guy’s job is – he is a transporter of the non gun-wielding, Asian-girl-kissing, getting-into-car-chases variety; he transports cycles from A to B.
So once I and a couple of my friends saw this and joked about it asking how would this guy’s JD read like, I remarked “Even worse is what will this guy fill in his annual appraisal form?”. Well if this guy was any smart and his hiring manager even smarter here is what both of them read like –

(Fiction starts here)

JD –

Job Description – XYZ Security Solutions Ltd
Title: Security & Transport Executive
Reports to: Account Security Head
Based at: Client Location.

Job purpose:

To plan and carry out direct logistics activities, so as to maintain and enhance client employees transportation requirement in accordance with agreed business plans. The applicant must be energetic, self-motivated, fit and possessing high resistance to environmental factors.

Key responsibilities and accountability:

1.    Develop and actionize a lean and efficient customer transport mechanism.
2.    Reduce travel time and augment client employee productivity and morale.
3.    Enhance equipment utilization and optimize client’s business resources.
4.    Continuously access client’s conveyance requirements and suggest process improvements.
5.    Monitor and report on activities and provide relevant management information.
6.    Carry out primary research and develop queuing time charts and processing timings during peak load.
7.    Maintain and report on equipment suitability.
8.    Liaise and attend meetings with other company functions necessary to perform duties and aid business and organizational development.
9.    Provide security detail and administer client infrastructure during ad-hoc requirement.
10.    Attend training and to develop relevant knowledge and skills.

Performance appraisal form -

A1.  State your understanding of your main duties and responsibilities.
Shaab Ji, as per my understanding my main role is to ensure the following:-
a)    The usual time taken by the employees to travel from the campus gate to main gate is 5 minutes. With my process innovation, intervention and improvisation this should ideally come down to 2 minutes. This would mean a 60% efficiency improvement. This way the HR could actually enforce a 9:18 hours per day policy. 3 minutes/day for 4000 employees could mean 4000 man hours in a month. Calculate your client charge yourself now, will ya!

b)    One of the major challenges for an IT company is employee retention or churn rate. With our innovation, we provide an alternative to the pretty girls to leverage the tool being discussed here, instead of walking that wicked mile in scorching heat. Less exposure to heat ensures that they remain pretty for longer period of times (even longer than the employees working on SAP support projects), which keeps intact the only motivation for guys to stay in this company. This also ensures higher client presentability employee ratio and doesn’t hurt the already low self-esteem of female employees.

c)    The pretty girl, the only hope of survival for guys in a high bench environment, should not be allowed to walk that wicked half mile under the sun. This has multiple side effects such as high attrition (guys leaving the company due to lack of good looking girls), reduced client presentability and low self-esteem of girls. Their health is least of our concerns here.

d)    As I have noticed during the last few days, approximately a total of 17% of your total employee strength comes to the main gate in between 1:30 PM – 2:30 PM. These are the guys who prefer to suck up to a cigarette instead of their manager’s ass. These guys have the lung capacity of a 3 months old new born. Keeping in mind, company’s policy of retaining maximum percentage of their employees, I think my process improvement has a role to play here. As we all know, a guy in a cemetery can’t exactly be classified as a retained employee.

A2 Discussion points:

1. Has the past year been good/bad/satisfactory or otherwise for you, and why?
•    Sir, with all due respect to your company, if my last year had been any close to being even remotely satisfactory I wouldn’t have applied here. Although I cleared the interview round for the position on a Functional consultant in your company, I think I’d be able to add more value to company with this ‘transporter’ job instead.

2. What do you consider to be your most important achievements of the past year?

•    Last year, as part of an _______________ week, I designed a new age peddle powered transportation mechanism, henceforth known as iBike. The iBike is specially designed for the upper echelons of management pyramid. It has multifold benefits:-
a.)  The cupping mechanism provides 1 year live support for the no-balls.
b.)   The highly sensitive touch provides a much smoother ass for the lower management employees to kiss on.
c.)   Within the same tyre circumference, I managed to accomplish a 100% increase in spoke count which would   reduce the travel time to 50% when double the effort is exerted. Go figure! (Please find attached, relevant calculation in Appendix X, find X).
d.)   I also developed an iPhone app called ‘IPL Systematic traffic eXaminer (iSex), which predicts the traffic based on Live IPL Scores. This app takes direct feed from ‘IPL Fans’ app and predicts the movement of personnel during Strategic Time-out.

3. What do you like and dislike about working for this organization?

•    I like your guts to ask this fucked up question. OK, let me still reply to that! What I like about your organization is the set of HR rules that have made the life of every employee a living hell, which gives me sadistic pleasure and a realization, that Shit Happens. What I dislike about the organization, is…  You.

4. What elements of your job do you find most difficult?

•    Using substandard equipment for development activities. (Riding punctured cycles). Also, Support team is substandard and consistently misses their SLA by not maintaining tyre pressure at 5.8 NPM (Newton per meter). I will not tolerate this kind of lackadaisical approach in high visibility and high impact jobs.
5. What elements of your job interest you the most, and least?

•    The most interesting element of my job to is to modify the cycle-seat configuration and watch girls struggle with it. Cracks me up. The only problem is that I need to raise an AHD request before I could do so.

•    The least interesting element is that, I don’t foresee a scenario where someone would come up to me, hug me and say “you do a wonderful job out here”.  Yesterday, I raised a ServCentrale for this and got a reply “ YOU ARE NOT ELIGIBLE FOR APPRECIATION”

6. What do you consider to be your most important aims and tasks in the next year?

•    I would like to see myself as Senior Associate Transport Manager within a year.

•    Going forward I would also like to see myself holding additional responsibility of personally handling the transport requirements of structurally fragile, aesthetically desired, non Y chromosome carrier. (a.k.a Maal Ladkiya)

7. What action could be taken to improve your performance in your current position by you, and your boss?

•    To start with you can provide me with a FUCKIN’ chair to sit down, damn it.

•    I would like to develop an iPhone app, which would be termed as ‘iBike’, for predicting traffic at various points in campus for utilization of transportation equipment. This would also help in enhancing the Social networking through the effective use of ‘Spot the ass’ algorithm.

8. What sort of training/experiences would benefit you in the next year? Not just job-skills - also your natural strengths and personal passions you'd like to develop - you and your work can benefit from these.

•    Sleeping is both my strength and personal passion. So, unless you are willing to add a couple of extra beds in the dormitory don’t get me started on this.

P.S. - The credit for writing the Appraisal form goes to Bechara Bandhu (Tweets here and blogs here)

(P.P.S. - Special Recommendation - Read the letter to Shiv Ji, his sole saving grace :-P)

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Dread Lock

I just tweeted sitting on the shit pot that I was feeling prolific. And I was, I had two ideas that I could write on. One of them was something I have been trying to write from quite some time.

But today I'm not able. I'm filled with this all-consuming sense of dread. It is near paralyzing. I don't what's wrong but I sense that something is or is going to be, I just can't put my finger on it. And for this mega sense of dread I'm surprised that I slept well, both last night and in the afternoon. Something I'm not able to do for a little while now.

In retrospect I realize that probably women get this sense of dread a lot. My mom would call and ask "Where are you? Stay at home. I'm getting a bad feeling.". My girlfriend would get a maddening desire in the middle of the day to talk till she would be satisfied I'm ok and not indulging in some  risky activity. I always laughed at them, like I'm trying to laugh at myself right now.

But this is no laughing matter, I can see that. I'm listening to Metallica and dark rock ballads since morning. I've announced I won't drive at all today. I can't help shake off the picture of a woman lying in the middle of the road and people just driving around her. I can't help remember all the deaths I've witnessed. I just want to drink through this feeling. So in a couple of hours I'm going to start drinking like there's no tomorrow and hope there is one, which doesn't have this dread in it. Hope this drinking doesn't become the cause of the mishap that I'm thinking I'm premonishing though.

As one Russian fairy tale said (translated, I used to read them a lot) - "Raat kee baat kabhi sach nahi hoti, Kal subah dekhenge"