इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

हवा में ठण्ड बढ़ी , शाम जल्दी ढलने लगी

पत्ते गिरने लगे और हवा मे एक महक सी बदली

दिल मे सुगबुगाहट और मन मे ये ख्याल आया की

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

दादी का बुना हुआ स्वेटर , दादाजी की वो पुरानी कुर्सी

चाचा का पीके फिर से वही कॉलेज की कहानी सुनाना

माँ का हाथ का हलवा और पापा की डांट भी फिर से खाना चाहता हूँ

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

भाई बहनो के साथ छुपम छुपाई खेलना

चाचा से मिले ग्यारह रुपये की ख़ुशी और चाची के साथ दिये सजाना

वो हर घर में रौशनी की अनुभूति फिर से पाना चाहता हूँ

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

कहने को पिछले साल भी माँ बाप के यहाँ गया था

दादा दादी अब रहे नहीं, चाचा Covid में चले गए

अब मेरे बच्चे है, मैं बच्चा नहीं रहा

सीढ़ियों में मेरे नहीं, उनके दौड़ने की आवाज़ गूंजेगी

अपने आप को तो इसी बात से बहलाना चाहता हूँ

पर सच में, इस बार फिर दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

पिछली बारी जब अपने शहर गया था तो अपना ना लगा

कुछ रस्ते भूल गया तो कुछ लोगो के चेहरे

हर चीज़ की कीमत बढ़ गयी पर मोल घट गया है

जिस चौक में पठाके चलाता था, सुना है अब वह कोई नयी मॉल है

फिर से उन्ही गलियों मे अपनी वो पुरानी साइकिल चलना चाहता हूँ

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

बंटी भैया अब डॉक्टर शर्मा हो गए , दिवाली पे आते नहीं

पिंकी दीदी कनाडा चली गयी, सुना है अब क्रिसमस और हेलोवीन मनाती है

पड़ोस वाला रोहित अब पटाखे नहीं सिर्फ व्हाट्सप्प मैसेज बाँटता है

पहले सबका घर खुला था, अब लोग गेटेड कम्युनिटीज मे रहते है

शायद दिल भी थोड़े गेटेड हो गए है, ये सबको बताना चाहता हूँ

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

इस दिवाली पे सिंगल माल्ट की बोतल खोली और जाम बनाया

सोचा इस बार मैं कहानी सुनाऊंगा , पर सुनने वाले नहीं थे

बच्चे मोबाइल मे व्यस्त थे और भाई ने बोला ऑफिस की एक कॉल करनी है

सच है की अब लक्ष्मी दरवाज़े खोलने से नहीं लैपटॉप खोलने से आती है

अपनी हालत पर नहीं, किसी पुरानी किस्से पे ठहठहाना चाहता हूँ

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

माँ नै इस दिवाली पे पुलाव और हलवा बनाया है

बच्चे ने पिज़्ज़ा की फरमाइश करी और भतीजे ने चोको लावा केक आर्डर करवाया है

पटाखे अब बैन है और दियो से आग लगने का खतरा बताया है

मिठाई अब सीधा कामवाली के पास जाती है

हम आगे बढ़ रहे  है या दूर जा रहे है, खुद को समझाना चाहता हूँ

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

उपहार के नाम पे सब अब अमेज़न कूपन पसंद करते है

और दिवाली की पूजा से ज़्यादा ज़रूरी फोटो खिचवाना

टीवी अब कोई साथ नहीं देखना चाहता था

इंस्टाग्राम पे हर किसी का घर मेरे ज़्यादा रोशन लगा , और लोग मेरे से ज़्यादा खुश

मैं भी वैसी ही ख़ुशी और उत्साह फिर से पाना चाहता हूँ

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ

 

देख मन उदास हुआ तो उस पुराने झूले पे जा बैठा

लेकिन तख्ता थोड़ा कड़ा लगा और रस्सी थोड़ी खुरदरी

पापा से बोला, "पापा ये झूला वैसा नहीं रहा"

वो हँसे और बोले "बेटा, अब झूलने वाले वैसे नहीं रहे"

कहा "बेटा ऐसा एक झूला हमारे गाँव मे हुआ करता था

नीम के पेड़ के नीचे और साथ मे पूरा परिवार.

दादाजी ने इसे एक दिवाली पे खरीदा था, जब मैं बहुत रोया और बोला था

इस बार दिवाली पे फिर से घर जाना चाहता हूँ"

The four things that have disappointed me the most in my life

 

I checked my blog today (for no reason) and saw that I haven’t written anything for over a year, so to get started I wanted to begin with something light. And there is nothing lighter than a Listicle (that is a portmanteau of List + Article) this is a six and half minute read.

Four things that disappointed me the most in my life –

Paris

Yes, Paris. Imagined in movies and books as the most romantic city of Earth. The rendezvous point of all artists and free thinkers of the world. The fashion capital of the world and place that is always attacked second by Aliens (first is New York).

I don't know whose idea of romance is crowds, filth, and spending a small fortune on a 10 m2 room? Because that is what Paris is. That was our first destination when my wife had come to Europe for a vacation and we were so excited, we had photo spots in mind, food we wanted to try and an Excel file for things to visit. What we got is the smallest hotel room I have ever stayed in for over 100 Euros. . And when I wanted to have a beer, we walked into a bar and met the most hostile waitress ever, who was just straight up pissed that we couldn't speak French; and this was in the 12th arrondissement, a fairly touristy area. Which, now in retrospect was a good indication of things to come: which were crowds everywhere, Metro was dirty and one guy just ate a donut and washed in his hands right there in the train, we were man handled up to the way to Sacré-Cœur, a cup of coffee on a al fresco café was 6 Euros, and I realized that Eiffel Tower is a giant metal tower surrounded by tourists and a badly kept lawn. The best thing about Paris was an Indian cuisine restaurant run by Pakistanis who talked to us in Hindi and gave us a discount on the bill saying “hum aap to ek hee mulk ke hai”. Ok that was the second best, the best thing were the Parisian women. The average Parisian woman is better dressed going to work than I was on my wedding day.

 Wireless chargers

You know I was born in the wireless era. Please don’t misconstrue this as an attempt to hide my age, on the contrary, it shows my age. I was born at the time when there were no wires, because in India we didn’t have many things that needed a wire. The only three things that I can remember having wires were TV, 2-in-1 music player and the Mixie (food processor or my preferred name which gives it a Sci-fi touch – Robot de Cocina). There were no phones, not even landlines, no computers, no mobile phones, no video games – none of the usual culprits that caused wires. Soon we saw a wired thing which was the landline phone or just phone back in the day. And in a decade the house was full of wires: mobile phones, chargers, video game controllers, VCRs, washing machines, computer cables that Logitech 2.1 speaker wires, Internet modems joined the party soon after.

Then suddenly, the wires started disappearing again, Cordless phones started the trend, then it was wireless keyboards and mouse, Bluetooth speakers, the Play Station controllers and then the revolutionary Wi-fi. Now tables and TV cabinets could be used again to the store the junk in the house, like hair bands, candy wrappers, random stationery, pieces of paper with cryptic notes scribbled on them that not even the author could understand after a few days.

So, naturally, I was ecstatic when I heard about wireless chargers, thinking they'd eliminate the last thorn in my side – the mobile phone charger's wire. I imagined plugging the charger into any socket in the house, which, no matter how many you had, were always too few, and lo and behold, my phone would start charging.

Only problem was that I was too poor to afford a phone that supported wireless charging, ok perhaps not the only problem, another problem was that I was too over this tech thing to bother even upgrading my phone or even trying to see a YouTube video of how it works. So once in office a Tech Enthusiast colleague of mine had something on his desk that resembled a mobile phone holder we had in our old Hyundai Accent car. After staring it for a while I mustered the courage to ask him what this device is. He replied, "It's a wireless charger. My eyes lit up that this is the Holy grail I was looking for, even though it looked nothing like I had imagined it. I requested a demo, which he begrudgingly obliged with and then went on to add that you actually have to keep the phone on the charger at all times, it takes several hours to charge a tiny fraction of the battery and heats up the phone a lot.

Soul crushed, and faith in the marvel of technology forever lost.

College

Don’t worry, this is not a tirade about how I wasted my studying the stress strain curves and differential equations in college which I am never going to use. I am more worried about he important stuff, like girls playing basketball in short skirts and romances blooming in the college canteen.

You see this was late 90s when American Pie was already here in India but I had an idea about high school which was nothing like the Hollywood movies showed it. I had convinced myself that might happen in America and that really is the land of opportunity, but India is different. Real India is what is shown in Bollywood movies. To me, college was a place where people defied their grumpy Principal to play Holi with girls in white shirts and booty shorts, à la Mohabbatein , where girls like Kajol played basketball, twirling (or pivoting, if you think she really knew how to play) in their short skirts with boys who had a neck chain that said COOL, college students partied in 5 Star discotheques and then jetted off to Goa on a whim in the middle of the night. Where Ms. Chandnis sashayed into the college grounds with her Pink saree’s pallu flapping in the wind and caressing the cheeks of whoever walked behind her. Where a quirky group of mixed gender friends played pranks on each other and wore Gap and Tommy Hilfiger clothes.

Imagine what I had felt when I first rode in my first day of college discovered that my Mechanical Engineering batch of 200 had whopping 6 girls, the canteen was an open-air arena where people slurped Bisibele Bath with their bare hands, and my group of all guy friends, who had their heads shaved and shirt collars buttoned up due to hostel ragging, promptly left the college to smoke a "Choti Gold Flake" as soon as classes ended.

Growing Up

A few days ago, my niece called and asked when did we start feeling like an Adult because even near 25 she does not feel like an Adult at all. Both my wife and I laughed at that and thought hard. To be honest about her question, it depends on the day. Some days I wake up at 8 for a 8:30 meeting and I can’t believe I am still doing this at nearly 40. Some days I have to make major life decisions without any guidance, give advice to people in their 30s, do my taxes, move countries, buy things worth Lakhs of Rupees and suggest a billion-dollar company how to run their business.

The cause of my niece’s disappointment was that she thought she would be set in life by the time she was 25, with a stable job and a house and everything. Didn’t we all? When I was 15, I imagined my life at 30 as a wealthy, successful Hugo Boss suit wearing person who twirled his Cognacs in a fancy glass and had intellectual conversations about the economy and how Pritish Nandy is a phony. When I was actually nearing 30, I was buying Vorion 12000 beer from roadside bars and was chuckling at a Truck sign which read “Bhaisahab sambhal ke, thoda lamba hai”

Growing up is not nearly as good as the thing they make it up to. Yeah, technically you can have as much Ice-cream as you want to or stay up as long as you like or buy those gigantic speakers that rumble the whole building. But what they don’t tell you is that you would be fat and will be guilty about eating that ice-cream the whole week or you can stay up as late as you like but then you will have to call in sick at work the next day and you will have a massive headache or the Aunty below your apartment building is going to complain even if you run in your house, leave along switch on the Bass Booster on your big ass speakers.

Most importantly, nobody told me that my back is going to ache for the rest of my life.

आज पहली बार दाढ़ी में सफ़ेद बाल आया

 

आज पहली बार दाढ़ी में सफ़ेद बाल आया

प्रतिबिम्ब मै आज पहली बार अपने बाप का चेहरा देखा

दफ्तर से लौटने पे रोज़ जिसके कंधे पे था चढ़ता
आज महसूस हुई उसकी चिंता की रेखा
आज पहली बार ऐसा दिल का हाल आया

मांझा समझा हमेशा मैंने जिस बाप को
आज सोचा कितने कांच मै लोटा होगा वो
क्या उसको भी थी सिर्फ ५ मिनट के सुकून की तलाश?
क्या उसने भी अपने दिल से ज़्यादा बिल को टटोला?
क्या वो भी अपने सपने किसी कब्र में डाल आया?

उस सफ़ेद बाल को एकटक देखता रहा तो ये सवाल आया
कितना वक़्त बचा है मेरे पास?
जितने साल बचे नहीं, उस से ज़्यादा निकल गए
एक दिन के लिए जो जो बचा के रखा था
आज उन सब चीज़ों का मलाल आया

कॉलेज जाने से पहले, गली मै छुपके सिगरेट पीते हुए,
उस पुराने दोस्त के साथ बांटे हुए सपनो का ख्याल आया
एक दिन गोवा मै कॉलेज की रीयूनियन करेंगे!
हर साल व्हाट्सप्प पे ये वादे करते रहे
पर न जाने क्यों नहीं कभी वो साल आया

एक दिन भाई के साथ ब्लू लेबल पीनी थी
एक दिन वो गाडी खरीदनी थी जिसके पोस्टर थे चिपकाए
माँ मैं आपको लेके चलूँगा पेरिस एक दिन
कहाँ गया वो एक दिन? जाने कब
पैरों मै ये रोज़ी रोटी का जाल आया?

उस सफ़ेद बाल ने ये याद दिलाया
की कितने दोस्तों के फ़ोन आये तो मैंने कहा था
भाई अभी बिजी हूँ, संडे को आराम से फ़ोन करूँगा
कितनी बार बच्चो ने साथ खेलने को बोला, तो मैंने कहा
बेटा अभी बिजी हूँ, संडे को आराम से खेलूंगा

की कितनी बार बीवी ने साथ मै एक पिक्चर देखने को बोला
और हर बार उसने यही सुना
अरे अभी बिजी हूँ, संडे को आराम से देखूंगा
फिर पता नहीं कितने संडे सस्ते मोबाइल ढूंढ़ते हुए खोये
वक़्त के लेख जोख मै ये हिसाब भी लाल आया

माँ बाप से साल मै एक बार हूँ मिलता
उनके पास कितने साल और मेरे पास कितनी मुलाकातें है बची?
जिस गणित को सुधारने के लिए उन्होंने था डांटा
आज उसी गणित से ये सवाल आया
अभी तो टिकट है महंगी, उस वक़्त तो छुट्टी नहीं मिलेगी
ये गणित के चक्कर में जाने कितनी
मुलाकातें तो पहले ही टाल आया

उम्र निकल गयी है  
जल्द ही मिलते है के वादे पूरे करे बिना
वादे और भी है, खुदसे और उनसे
पूरा करने वक़्त कहीं बेच ये अनाड़ी दलाल आया
उम्र निकलने पर ही उम्र का ख्याल आया
आज पहली बार जब दाढ़ी में सफ़ेद बाल आया  

The Pandemic (so far) in review

Since the whole world is doing a review of 2021 and reading / watching best of 2021, I thought it is in opportune moment to review the biggest thing in our life right now, no, not our beer belly but the Pandemic. I use the words ‘so far’ as the Pandemic is far from over and we are still very much in it. Till when is anybody’s guess right now.

It is December 2019 and the pandemic started as every Sci-fi disaster movie starts, rumours of something strange happening in the Orient. There is some news of a strange illness spreading in China which is leading to massive hospitalizations. I hear the news and dismiss it as I am on vacation in Mauritius and Dubai. The beaches in Mauritius and the streets in Dubai are packed, people are pushing each other to see the shitty fountain show in the Dubai mall and I am totally oblivious to the fact that the world is about to be upended. By the time I am taking a return flight to Madrid, I begin to see masks at the airport for the first time and this time it is not just the South East Asian people wearing them.

I am back in office in January 2020 and my colleagues start to religiously track the cases, initially every day and then every hour sitting in the office. The cruise liner Diamond Princess is in the news a lot for being a virus hotspot, while things in China are becoming more hush-hush every day. The scientists have termed this the Novel Coronavirus or SARS-CoV-2. Having seen the mad panic about Ebola, SARS and Nippah virus in India and then amounting to little, I dismiss it offhand and make fun of the people who are panicking. I fall sick in late February, the good old Flu virus is the cause, I ask the doctor if I this could be the new sickness but he asks about my travel history and symptoms and this says it cannot be Covid. At this time there are no tests in Spain and nobody understands the symptoms well, or even the fact that the symptoms are so varied.

It is March 2020; by now everyone has their appetite ruined by seeing that bat soup photo from China which supposedly caused all this. My colleagues are panicking more and more every day here in Spain. They keep wondering what will happen work wise as well about the disease spreading. I keep making fun of them for worrying so much, the joke is going to be on me soon though. My wife is saying there is going to be a lockdown tomorrow, she keeps saying this for 3 continuous days and I keep dismissing this as a rumour. It is 12^th March, at lunch time one of my colleague gets a call from his wife, she says shelves are emptying out fast from the supermarket near their house. Another guy hears this and calls his wife to run to the supermarket and grab as many things as she can. This starts a chain reaction and all 4 of my colleagues from Infy run to their homes at lunch. One guy calls back saying there is a Pharmacy which is having masks, one for 10 Euro and should he buy one for me. I say no and message my wife saying these people are overreacting. At this time the official advice is not to wear a mask because of the shortage and leave them for the medical personnel. My wife upon hearing this begs me to go to the supermarket and get at least a few things. I sigh and say fine I will go. I go up to talk to my Spanish boss, he joins me in making fun of the panicking people, he says Madrid is a city of 6 million and 600 people are sick, the chances of meeting a sick person is 1 in 10,000, might as well play the lottery then. We should have. That evening upon entering my apartment building I see a woman carrying two shopping bags full of toilet paper. I hold the door open for her and it takes a few seconds for the sinking feeling to start. I throw my laptop bag and run to the supermarket, but it is already too late, the shelves are empty; toilet paper, vegetables, frozen food, rice, pasta, eggs, meat, beer, everything is gone. I try 3 different supermarkets and the situation is the same in all of them. Everywhere on the street I see people carrying shopping bags running helter-skelter. The lockdown is announced next day and my boss calls me saying this was totally out of the blue and it is only for a few weeks so no need to worry. So I don’t. Madrid used to be always full of hustle bustle, even at 2 AM in Winter, but now it looks like a ghost town.

It is April 2020; the lockdown is extended again for another 2 weeks. Military has blocked Madrid’s exit roads and helicopters are flying overhead to spot any traffic. Police are on the roads to ensure you are not more than 1 Km away from your house and are only going to buy food and medicine (alcohol and cigarettes are considered one of these two I assume). My parents are very anxious as news of cases of Italy and Spain flood the TVs everywhere. There are horror stories of hospitals overwhelmed, doctors crying, nurses having breakdowns, entire old age homes abandoned with all old people in it dead. Suddenly it does not feel so funny anymore to me.

India also goes under lockdown and thali peeto and people dancing on the streets has happened. Back there everyone is treating it as a vacation. There are so many videos of people getting beaten up by police being circulated as comedy gold and Whatsapp is flooded with so many people trying to get back in touch. It is new Whatsapp groups and Zoom calls galore. My parents are also under lockdown in Mauritius but unlike in Spain everything is closed. By everything I mean everything, and they have run out of vegetables and some food essentials. We frantically try to search something online for them but it is only government approved ration kits which are available, nothing else. They are not going to starve but they are having a tough time with no local friends and no access to any official news.

Everyone keeps talking about breaking the infection chain, identifying the sources, the Korea model, the Bangalore model, Modi’s masterstroke with the lockdown, Community transmission etc.. I have hope that once the infection spread chain is broken then life will get back to normal. Utterly, utterly laughable in retrospect. People everywhere have turned expert Epidemiologists, Virologists and Immunologists all-in-one, similar to how they would turn into expert cricketer, manager and bookie all in one at the time of IPL.

It is May 2020, and it is pandemonium here in Spain. Company HR from France (there is no HR in Spain) has a call from everyone from Infosys Spain. After 15 minutes of calm, the panic boils over, one Manager in Pamplona (yes, the bull run city) starts shouting about business continuity measures. The HR already troubled with the Indian accent asks what is he talking about. He repeats that what if things get worse, then what is the business continuity measure, he already heard about looting going on in a place in Italy. In reality though, there was one drunk guy who ran away without paying in one city in Italy. The French people interject and ask “what do you mean by if things get worse”? things are the worst ever since the 2^nd World War. By the time I have luckily cracked the managerial-mumbo-jumbo code and I ask him if he is talking about evacuation from Spain. He finally relents and tries to talk like a human being and not a manager. He says yes, he is talking about evacuation, I unfortunately break his bubble and say the Indian embassy in Spain said there is not going to be an evacuation and there is no need to for one.

Talking of Embassies and evacuation. I watch the movie Airlift around this time since I have too much free time and all the possible streaming subscriptions at this time (except Apple TV, because fuck Apple). Now, I have never been really patriotic and there is a reason I don’t live in India and I will talk about in a subsequent blog post, but this time and that movie made me realize the importance of your nation. Doesn’t matter how Spanish I try to get and how many people I try to convince that despite the high number of cases it is better to be right now in Spain and I don’t want to go home, since I am home but I really needed India to help me if things got worse. I guess India really did help a lot of their stranded people by bringing them home and so did Infosys, with its chartered flights and what not. Though India did shit the bed later but let’s talk about it when the time comes.

It is the summer of 2020; life is slowly getting back to normal. Sorry scratch that, to the new normal. We take a small trip to the Canary Islands, but Spain isn’t what it used to be in Summer, bars are closed, beaches are deserted and many things are blocked from access. Though we really needed that vacation, my wife was working crazy hours and I was having difficulty sleeping with the all the stress, negativity, and the feeling of being cooped up in our small one-bedroom apartment. So many crazy things keep happening in the next few months: people get on their balconies every day at 8 PM to clap, doctors dance one in a hospital near our house, Police plays music on their car sirens one day, Baba Ramdev release the Corona cure Coronil #NeverForget, people start hailing India Vishwa Guru once more, there are talks of vaccines and herd immunity and how Sweden didn’t have a lockdown and nothing happened (something did happen, Google it if you like), my brother has to keep his bar closed for months and he is haemorrhaging money. My client stops working because no one is buying cars right now. One guy in Infy Spain gets his contract terminated due to a Force Majeure clause. My colleagues frantically call me asking if there are going to be firings, since we cannot work and we cannot go back to India. I assure them that is not going to be the case, though I am not sure myself. My anxiety increases and so does my weight due to all the eating and drinking. I pick up a video game after 10 years – Age of Empires II, I play it with my friends online.

It is Autumn 2020, there is second wave of Covid in Spain and things close down again, by this time I have stopped reading the news and seeing the latest rules for Corona. I am locked down in my house and I don’t and can’t care anymore. There were mass firings in my wife’s office and one of her very good friend lost her job and left Madrid. Another couple that we know also moves out of Madrid, my Infosys colleagues leave too. There are hardly any people we know in the city anymore.

It is Winter 2020, and the 2^nd wave continues going up and down. My project in Spain is over and I need to leave, my boss asks me to get the visa for Germany. I start getting the paperwork done for my visa. I swear that every time a third world county tries to get a visa for Europe or America a rainforest disappears from Earth in photocopies and forms. I have spent 5 years in Spain and I can get a PR but something seems to have disappeared from Madrid or maybe from me. Looks like the soul has gone, from one of us. That year there is heavy snow in Madrid, the most in a century, normally it does not snow in Madrid. And this isn’t the only freak weather occurrences of 2020, there were heat waves, forest fires with everyone saying it seems 2020 is the end of time. Trump was the only saving grace for that year. His antics kept me entertained and several hundred thousand dead due to Covid-19. As a parting note for the year, I fell sick and got a Corona test and it was negative.

It is the beginning of 2021, there is finally light at the end of the tunnel, the vaccines are here, and it is all going to be over soon. I will get to travel again. I can go to India, I can see my family, I can eat Chole Bhature. The wish list at this time was endless. Remarkably, to stay alive was not on top of this list, which events in India soon showed me, that it should have been. There was so many talks in Spain to save Christmas, to control the infections, to ease the lockdowns, to let people see their families, but I guess no one told that to UK variant (now dubbed Alpha variant). I got my visa for Germany and started to discuss but never conclude the topic of when to go to Germany with my wife.

It is 14^th March 2021, that fateful day when I kissed Madid adios and moved to Stuttgart. It was cold, grey and it snowed that night. I was under home quarantine, in a new country with knowing no German. I had shit loads of work, had to find a new house and get a lot of paper work done in the new place. Germany was under the third wave and the strictest of lockdown. Nothing except emergency services and essentials were open. You could not go out to buy a pen or take a print. However, all my problems seem small in front of what is about come next in India.

It is April 2021, it is business more than usual in India, people are playing Holi and holidaying in Goa and I am jealous of them, just as I was jealous of people parting on NYE 2020. Kumbh mela is organized and widely televised along with the state-of-the-art safety measures which are put in place. I think it cannot be a good idea in the pandemic, but I am termed anti-national, deshdrohi and my apprehensions are quickly discarded by my friends which ask what Pandemic? While I am in very in midst of a Pandemic, people in India have already declared it over. Due to our natural immunity, due to our diet, due to our genes, due to our weather, due to Gau Mutra, I mean everyone has a theory. Even the bloody Europeans are amazed that how did we totally bypass this pandemic. You cannot blame one person for what happens next, everyone screwed the pooch, or as Vipul Goyal more beautifully said “Sabne haga hai isme”.

It was like watching a horror movie in Instgram stories, Facebook posts and Whatsapp messages. People are asking for oxygen, people are updating Ambulance phone numbers in Instagram posts. People are ready to pay for Lakhs for Platelets on Facebook. People are messaging about cases and deaths in every group of Whatsapp. There is no one who does not someone personally who died. Infosys nearly grinds to halt, nearly a quarter of the 2 Lakh workforce cannot work because either they are sick and someone in their immediate family is sick. As my manager said “We are struggling just to keep the lights on”. Everyone who in non-Indian and sees me in a meeting asks about my family in India and offers condolences. I guess I was very lucky that way that no one in the immediate family got sick. I see something positive in all this, so many people come together and volunteer their time to find hospitals, oxygen cylinders, ambulances for others. Even my friends who are as lazy and useless as me, try to help. In fact, someone, whom in my opinion is worse than them, also springs to action, the HR, they are useful for once in their life. This should have been the government’s job though, but we Indians have been doing the government’s job for decades: hiring our own security guards, filtering our own water, getting inverters and generators and water tankers, buying air purifiers, augmenting government employees’ salaries with bribes. The Government cannot be  blamed at all, we wanted the government to build the mandir, and sponsor Hajj, and to throw out Rohingyas and give free electricity and we vote for caste, religion, a quarter and biryani. No one wants hospitals, ambulances, an emergency response team, and other such boring things to stay alive. To top it all, the media was busy with a dead moderately successful movie star.

It is not that the other countries didn’t have deaths, or their governments didn’t bungle up the Covid response, almost all the Developed countries did, USA most of all. But nowhere did I see or hear such a breakdown of healthcare infrastructure. And anyone who believes the official death count, please see me, I want to sell you some magic seeds, for 1 million Euro you will get a Tree that will grow money. Additionally, I am sure that you believe all the money that went to PM Cares fund, which was created on top of an existing PM Emergency fund is also put into Covid-19 response. I donated money to that fund and I would like to see at least a report of how my money was spent. I will #NeverForget that.

 It is June 2021, the cases in India fall off as suddenly as they had climbed, the Delta variant becomes our 2^nd biggest export after dumb IT coolies (which is also soon going to go off the charts). I get my first dose of vaccine and vaccine rollouts are now happening everywhere. I have hope for the third time, the second time was when the vaccines were approved but then I got to know that vaccine rollouts to common man will take a long time. Vaccine rollouts are happening in all the countries including India which exported a lot of it before giving it internally. Very benevolent policy I must say. My parents in Mauritius got both their doses which were donated from India; before my wife’s parents could get their first in India. But.. this is another masterstroke, and I don’t understand any of them. Unfortunately, everyone else is hoarding their vaccines and recounting patent laws to stop other countries from manufacturing them. I guess we are not really in this together, not when it comes to making money.

Regrettably, something else is rolling out faster than the vaccine, it is fake news or rather the correct word is – Misinformation. Everyone keeps posting about on Facebook of some far flung corner where people died because of the vaccine or how it contains a micro chip that Bill Gates wants to put in our brain, or a Whatsapp message how sarson ka tel , tulsi ke saath is better than the vaccine. The Westerners, including Germans who cannot legally ride a cycle without a helmet on, or take their baby home from the hospital without a baby seat in the car or do not let a pet in without a list of vaccinations and a pet passport; are now complaining about freedom of choice and their control what they put in their bodies. And every other Wellness Coach and Influencer is sharing this on their Instagram stories. I guess the Brexit vote, Capitol riots weren’t enough for social media companies that they also had to add vaccine hesitancy to their feather in the cap. Talking about the misinformation on social media, please please please, talk to your parents, your cousin and your Mamajee who keep on forwarding unsubstantiated news on Whatsapp with taglines like “Forwarded as received” or “Kya ye sach hai?”. This is no longer harmless nonsense, it now actually kills people. Delhi riots and the violence at the Farmer protests are recent examples very close to home. More reading here - https://www.dw.com/en/india-fake-news-problem-fueled-by-digital-illiteracy/a-56746776 (yes it is a German site, not because it is the best but it is first in my Google search list)

It is June 2021, I got my 2^nd dose, both my wife were sick as a dog for a few days after the 2^nd dose. However, that does not dull my enthusiasm, we are now complete vaccinated, we are now ready to re-join the world, ready to travel, ready to get back to our lives. The pandemic is over for us and it will soon be over for other people as well, as soon their country achieves 100% vaccination. We will have, in the great words of William Wallace: “Freeeeeedoooom!”

As I write this post on 31st December 2021, having just returned from India, which I was finally able to see after 3 years. Germany is the middle of the 4^th Wave, which is worse than all three previous ones combined, in number of cases. Christmas markets are all cancelled. Omicron is now everywhere. Booster doses are being rolled out and the European Parliament now says that you are not considered fully vaccinated if your last dose in more than 9 months old. Pfizer CEO says that we should definitely plan for a 4^th shot, or jab as the cool kids now call it. Meanwhile in India, people are partying in Goa, having huge NYE gatherings, Weddings (I attended two), bank employees are all wearing their masks below their noses, DJs who were asking for sympathy, support, and donations a few months ago are now posting photos of packed nightclubs, I met three passengers on my Jodhpur flight who were wearing handkerchiefs tied on their noses as masks. To paraphrase Vir Das, there is a joke somewhere on me here, I am just too petrified to laugh on it. 2022, here we come!

My Culture Shocks

I wanted to write about the pandemic, what we did, who’s to be blamed and not to be blamed and so on. However, with so much death and sadness all around, I believe this isn’t the time for it. The wounds are still too raw. Hence, I wrote about this something that should cause no pain and no controversy – Cultural Shocks.

I have lived in 10 cities till now and been to more than 20 countries, so even though I consider myself well read and culturally aware, I have felt many culture shocks over the years or just shocked to see some things exist, even though it was is strictly a cultural shock. This list is in chronological order for shocks ranging from very minor to me thinking “is this really happening, or I just imagined it?”

Kota –

How green it was and how much it rained. Yes, that was a shock to me, I had come from Bikaner which is a desert city, I had sand dunes right in front of my house (also a swimming pool, but irrelevant to the topic at hand). My summer vacation was spent in Jodhpur, another desert and Bundi was all built up old town with only a few trees in sight. Comical as it may sound but rain and rivers were a new sight to me as an 8-year-old.

Bangalore –

I moved to Bangalore to STUDY, actually scratch that, to DO Engineering. Bangalore was a much bigger city and a true metro but the biggest point was that it was South India. North India and South India ought to be too different countries, they are so far apart culturally. I would find weird things everyday. Like how people drank more coffee than tea, everyone didn’t know Hindi, even the name of the Hindu gods were different. Idli was only for breakfast, rice was for breakfast, public transport wasn’t just for poor people, really rich people dressed in white shirt white pants and leather sandals, old buildings didn’t have fans (yes older Bangalore was much cooler and greener, before the bloody Northies spoiled it). Despite all this, I played it cool throughout my Bangalore days that I have seen it all.

However, there was an incident that left me and my friend shocked. We had a college senior, she was 2 years older than us. Me and my friend who was from Lucknow used to call her ‘Didi’. We didn’t give much thought to it having grown up with that our whole life. There were four of us hanging around one day, me, my friend from Lucknow, my now wife and a friend of hers who was from Bangalore. This Didi passed us, we made small talk and she kept on walking and then our friend from Bangalore called out “Hey <her first name> can I drop you somewhere”. She thanked and moved on and nobody thought twice about it except me and my friend, we looked at each other speechless. Stunned that we call her Didi and this guy, who is even an year younger than us, used her first name. How dare he! I guess the Didi Bhaiya culture never reached Bangalore.

Delhi –

I moved to Delhi for my MBA after that. Though I am a North Indian but Delhi is too much North India even for me. Think about everything North Indians are infamous for: Being loud, eve teasing, being too much into Roadies, being show off, rule breaking, saying “jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai”, being violent and aggressive etc. etc... Now turn that up to 11, that is Delhi for you. Everyone’s father is either influential or knows someone who is influential. Nobody buys tickets for anything, everybody wants passes. Mercedes, BMWs, Audis are common. Women swear in Hindi and loudly. People name drop Gucci, Prada, States, Minister, Imported, etc. etc. in random conversations. Another uniquely Delhi thing is their love for First Copies. I would have used words like duplicate, fake or replica for it earlier but Delhi people use this euphemism with a lot of respect and they scoff over Second Copy objects. Which is also a replica but a little cheaper and easier to make out as fake.

However, the biggest cultural shock was the one that I received within my first week. I was walking towards my college when one car rear ended another car. I didn’t see whose fault it was and didn’t care. The second guy who had hit the first guy’s tail light shouted something from his car, which by the tone of it didn’t seems so polite, though I couldn’t hear the actual words. The first guy got out of this car, cool as a cucumber (to my untrained, non Delhite eye), saw the damage of his car, opened the dickey, took out a baseball bat, walked over to the second guy’s car, didn’t say a word and smashed his windshield. Yes, carrying a metal rod or spanner or baseball bat or hockey stick in your car’s dickey is a thing in Delhi; Sometimes coupled with a handgun in the glove compartment.

Calcutta –

I will be honest. My first impression of Calcutta wasn’t good, the airport was as good as bus stand in any other city, the taxi that I got in was an old ambassador, but then the taxi passed through Salt lake city and I started getting my hopes up but when it approached the center of Calcutta they were quashed again. My second, third, up till the last impression of Calcutta city was bad as well. But the people, the people shocked me. They were so nice and well behaved and polite. In my first month into the city, we were in a slightly upscale bar which had unlimited drinks after a door fee. I was jostling for space at the crowded bar counter and someone stepped over my shoes, but instead of the shoulder shove that I had prepared myself for after staying in Delhi for 2 years, I got a 'Oh I am so sorry' and the guy meant it. I kept turning back looking at the guy, puzzled, is this what civility means.

And yes, prostitutes freely walk the streets in the night and run after cars which slow down to look at them (this might or might not have happened to me).

Hyderabad –

This city was rather low on the shocks department, it was run of the mill another south Indian big city with fabulous food. However, I remember one incident that amazed me and has stuck with me since then. The concept of Hindu and Muslim hotels.

I have been a late lateef my whole life, but this time I was early to the bus stand, I asked to the auto driver if I could get something to eat nearby, he said “Haan bahaiya paas mae kaafi hotel hai”. Hyderabad’s government bus stand is near a place called Afzalgunj and it’s a predominantly Muslim place as the name suggests. And you can feel it by the way people are dressed, by the sign boards in Urdu, by the whole green colored-ness of the place. Walking around I saw this Hotel named ‘Jai Maa Durga Hotel’ on that street and it is so overtly and in your face Hindu that you almost get jarred by it. If the name isn’t enough for you it has lot of big pictures of Hindu Deities hung over the counter which are quite visible from the street. There are a few Muslim cafes on the other side of street which look dingy, Irani Hotels as they are called here, and their owners eyeball me while I’m walking down the street looking left and right for a place to eat. I was never more aware of my religion than this point.

Madrid –

Spain was just cultural shock galore. Moving to a different country is different enough but moving to Spain was something else.

After a few months or so of living here, two colleagues from my company whom I knew from before, moved to Madrid. We decided to go up to the roof of the building and talk by the pool, it was a bright and warm day and we thought it was good to get out of my tiny studio apartment. The roof was on two levels, the first level had some space for standing and a shower while the second had the actual pool. As we climbed the steps of the second level we saw a woman sun bathing top less (the pool was actually covered as it was not summer yet), being Indians, all three of us ran down as soon as we saw her, shouting sorry sorry in English. We were flushed, embarrassed and unable to wrap our head around what we just saw. The woman was obviously weirded out, she dressed herself and went down from the roof after a few minutes, staring at us the whole time.

After and before that I have come across people kissing complete strangers on their cheeks when they meet them. A 50 year old man explaining to me in the office cafeteria with other women around how cachondo in Spanish means both funny and horny. People saying Joder ( fuck) and Puta Madre (son of a bitch) in official meetings. Women sunbathing topless in the city park. People drinking in the street in a street party in front of a police car and a church. That you would greet the bus driver when you get in a bus. The waiter / waitress did not act like a lowly servant to you and asked you to wait if he / she is very busy. It was ok to say that you are going on holiday and will not work between these days.

You could buy alcohol at the supermarket. People will drink a beer in the afternoon meal and get back to working and meetings. There was no women seat or compartment in the metro. People will make out and / or have sex with random strangers they met in a disco and it was completely safe to do so. So many people were living together and had kids but were not married. You don’t go a friend’s house to meet for drinks, you go out to a bar. There was a cutout of a naked pregnant woman on a pharmacy by the side of the road with only her leg covering her genitals. Government workers were nice, they smiled and tried to help you. I can go on and on with a probably a hundred more examples. Though I guess after 5 years travelling around Europe I have kind of gotten numb to it, but below are some of the biggest examples that I saw in Europe travelling, all aggregated.

Europe –

We were in Valencia, on a group tour kind of thing with some other English speaking students, most of them were Erasmus students. If you do not know the Erasmus program, I will give you the introduction, it is a grant through which EU students normally do a semester in another country to experience a different culture. But for most, it means just nonstop parties for six months, in a different country, which I think it should. So back to my story, so we were with these students in a hotel room getting our pre-drinks in before heading out to club, when the students started to play ‘Never have I ever’, they talked about Threesomes, sex in moving vehicles, sex in public places, anal sex, sex with a teacher,  hostel rooftop orgies, sex on drugs, sex with best friend’s girl/boyfriend. Needless to say, I left that room without taking a sip of my beer. Never had I ever felt that my life was so boring and a complete waste.

I was with my wife in Amsterdam, we wanted to try out their famous coffeeshops, so I asked my walking tour guide for a recommendation and walked coyly into one. I hesitatingly asked if they had a space cake, not sure if she would say I’m calling the police or take me to some secret back room. She however replied, yes of course we do, would you like one. I nodded and she got me one from the counter as she was handing one over she perhaps saw the child like glee on my face and asked if I have smoked hash before. I replied in the negative feeling accused. They she looked me straight in the eye and said “Sweetheart then I would recommend only eating a quarter”. She was right, a quarter of that was enough to make me look like this.

The last and weirdest for me was Oktoberfest in Munich, not the actual fest or the tents, but the campsite we were staying at. Oktoberfest in Munich is an insane time, the cheapest hotel per night is 800 Euros, the city is just drowning in tourists and their public urination. Every day some kind of record is made of stupidity, I remember our second day there when some guys climbed a pillar in the middle of the city totally naked and passed out there till the police got them down. Anyways, so we were staying in a campsite on another group tour which had mostly students in it. The campsite had public showers where you will get hot water by inserting a token for fifteen minutes. No surprise that the showers were crowded as well, what was surprising for me though were four Italian guys were just casually chatting there, in front of the shower stalls, totally naked with their thing hanging out. I froze for a second seeing that, till they casually pointed to a stall and said “l'ultimo è libero”. And oh yes, on the last day at the campsite we saw a panty exchange dare. It was exactly what I named it, two very drunk girls got on a stage in nothing but their panties, as part of some game of dare for prizes, got their panties off and exchanged it with the other girl, giggling and laughing throughout it while the crowd applauded and cheered them on. I had seen the ‘Girls gone wild videos’ on the internet, but until now I always thought those things were staged.

Germany –

My time here is just beginning but I was already shocked to find out that apartments here do not have numbers, your postbox and the call bell only work with your name on it. Another strange thing to me that is all household take turns of cleaning out the apartment building week by week and that includes washing the communal dust bins and even cleaning out the sidewalk in front of the building.

Thailand –

I almost forgot about Thailand. In Thailand the hotel receptionist very earnestly explained what to do when you bring a prostitute over, that the girl (or ladyboy if you are into that, or rather they would be into you, but whatever) will leave her ID card with them when she goes up to the room, they will call you when she is leaving to check if she stole something and if you need any recommendations of good brothels they would write them down for you. And finally, yes, you do get fried insects as a late-night snack on food carts in Thailand. Yuck!

 

 

 

The Year 2020 has been hilarious

The whole year 2020 has been hilarious, you know in a pandemic, natural disasters, deaths, riots, wildfire, terrorist attacks, near world war, plane crashes, world economy tanking kind of way. However, I specifically want to focus upon how this made the third world countries feel like the first world and vice versa. So as a third world country citizen living in the first world, here I go, in no particular order –

How the first world felt like the third world :

1.       They came to understand what a travel ban was. India has still banned flights from Spain and US passport became equivalent to Uruguay.

2.       Third world countries had evacuation flights from US and Europe.

3.       People in IT started arguing with their managers to send them back from Onsite.

4.       Supermarkets ran empty and people got to know the real meaning of food and essential items shortages.

5.       People from other countries called worried and asked if they could leave.

6.       After spending years jeering at the Muslim countries, their government made it mandatory to wear something in public.

7.       Nighttime curfews became a thing.

8.       Hospitals were over capacity and people were sent back because there were no available beds.

9.       Citizens of countries having the strictest immigration laws, wanted to flee their capitals due to a bad situation. Army had to be called in Madrid, Paris etc. to block the borders.

10.   Bill gates foundation had to worry about anti vaccine people in a totally different continent.

How the third world felt like the first world :

1.       People looked at US police brutality videos and riots and felt pity for them.

2.       People wanted to save the democracy of the US.

3.       WHO praised Dharavi and South Korea’s pandemic response.

4.       They got to watch natural disasters unfolding in a different country on the TV.

5.       Having a horde of endemic diseases actually helped them fight the pandemic

6.       They had to read travel advisories before travelling to the west.

7.       They were disgusted about people not following rules and not maintaining hygiene in a totally different continent.

8.       The 5G – Corona linkers and Corona deniers made them laugh at people who just don’t get science.