Jai Rajputana !

Before I begin this revolutionary post I must make one thing clear. What I want and what I am going to say is for truly altruistic purpose only, what I have in mind is for the greater good of people, lest my brethren misunderstand me that I am doing this to usurp power or fulfill my fantasies of being a sex sandwich between two Japanese twins (mind you, two super hot, school uniform wearing, lollipop sucking Japanese twins).No. As Samuel L Jackson said in ‘Pulp Fiction’ “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I want to be that good shepherd.

My precious state of Rajasthan has always been sidelined and left off as far as mainstream media or entertainment (these days they both are the same), Punjabis have a total domination over the movies, all the characters in the movies are Punjabis, ‘Mere desh kee mitti’ has to be Punjabi Mitti, there has to be one ‘Hey babe let’s do the Bhangra’ song in the movie. Kashmir has got its terrorism, Mumbai is the city of dreams, Delhi is the national capital, Karnataka has it’s IT companies, UP has got Maywati and Amitabh Bacchan, Bihar has Lalu and the entire Indian Bureaucracy, Andhra now has ‘Telangana’ and the entire North-East got naxalites, what have we got? Nothing, nothing till now. In my 4 years in Bangalore I had a difficult time explaining from where I was, Kota to most South Indians was the place where Devdas went to meet Chandramukhi. And most people had this image that Rajasthan was this huge desert where everyone wore a white Dhoti and Multi-Coloured turban and travelled on Camels. They had a tough time imagining me in that picture, so most people automatically assumed I was from Delhi (don’t’ ask me why, I don’t know myself, in fact I got into a huge fight with my SCMHRD GD group even before the GD stated because of this, they co incidentally were all from Delhi, but this is a story for a different time, back to Rajasthan). And Ironically enough, here in Delhi few people assumed I was from Bangalore (the reason could be my singing Bangalore … Bangalore in every two minutes, but never mind) and some other few assumed I was from Jaipur, no clue as to why again.

Point is that Rajasthan needs a revolution! Nothing like a revolution to up your brand recall and hog the front page of every newspaper. Plus a name change, that also gets a lot of centimeters in news print. I guess nobody here read Shakespeare. Bombay, Calcutta, Madras and even Bangalore got their, now is my time. I am calling it Rajputana! Whoever thinks the name is inspired from the Anurag Kashyap’s movie Gulaal is sadly mistaken, this was the name till ‘Angrezo ka zamana’ and can be found in multiple history books and archived maps. Then some politically correct nationalist (read asshole) changed it to something more socially acceptable. But no more. We are going to break away from the nation that has gives us no place in the movies, very high tax rate on booze, and ignoring in the media. The earlier ruling class, the Rajputs will be put back into place as the rulers, with me being the Supreme head of course after successfully leading the revolution and separation from India, or high chancellor as I would like to call myself.

Jai Rajputana !

Now at this point some people might be thinking that I have gone crazy, some might be thinking of that how that small state is going to survive on his own, some people even might be thinking of handing me over to the police for anti national thinking. To all of you, I urge to read further, as you will soon see I have got it all worked out.

First things first, I need to address the people who might be thinking that after this Rajasthan … errr sorry … Rajputana will become like Afghanistan under Taliban. They need not fear. No restriction of any kind will be put on women about dress or working or anything of that matter, no restriction will be put on facial hair for men. Though perhaps shorter skirts and deeper blouses might fetch girls extra marks in government schools and hotter and scantily clad women might be given slight privilege in government jobs. But hey, nobody is stopping you from wearing anything. Similarly a thick long moustache is not compulsory for men, just that without that they might lose promotions in jobs or might be taken to the police station at 3 in the night on suspicion of anti-nationalist activities. So as I said no restrictions of any kind, prostitution will be legalized with designated red light areas in cities and government subsidy on production of condoms, sex toys and lubricants and of course porn. We need to catch up with Europe fast. Drugs would be legalized too, in fact 100 grams of grass will be added to the Ration list of BPL families and sincere effort would be made to rehabilitate them by getting them into either prostitution or drugs business (sex notwithstanding, as there will be no article 377 in RPL, Rajputana Penal Code).

As somebody had pointed out water shortage would be a problem here, even if we do not consider the Indira Gandhi Canal and the rivers Chambal and Banas the solution is simple. Beer. Yes you heard (read) it correct, beer. Who needs water if we have beer to drink and clothes can be dry cleaned and toilet paper is made mandatory. We will have coke (the non powdered variety) for the kids. Water bottles will be opened only in the case of celebrations, like champagne in the less fortunate parts of the world. We can of course buy water in case you need to take a bath or cook with it, which would be rare too because everything will be A.C. and roasted lamb with beer will be the staple diet. But as I said we can buy the water with all the money we would be making. Let me tell you how.

Did you know what was Las Vegas before Bugsy? A barren piece of land in the middle of a desert, just like few small towns of Rajasthan. Now it is the most happening place on earth. And why? Because gambling was legalized in Nevada and it was the centre of all the action. Now it makes $ 52,543,138,852 per year and is a shining star of the U.S.A. Imagine lots of Casinos and 5 star hotels just near you. The Sin City just in your neighborhood! No US Visa required, no astronomical rates in Dollars. Just bad, dirty ..errr… I mean good, clean fun. Of course all the money which the gamblers lose, which is a lot, will be going into government coffers. You can even think of that as people investing into government bonds. With a saving rate like that ….. 15% growth rate to kahin nahi gayi.

Second is tourism. Any Idiot can think of this. Who doesn’t want to come to a place where prostitution is legal, drugs are legal, booze is cheaper than water and girls are encouraged to wear skimpy clothes? There will not much hassles of Visa and there are plenty of open places to build airports. Especially in Kota which would be like the Los Angeles of Rajputana. Other than that there will be plenty of other initiatives to boost tourism like an multimillion dollar ad campaign done by O&M, shoot on sight order for anyone who misbehaves with tourist, honest and helpful cops (such a thing though entirely fictional now, will exist in Rajputana) etc. Plus there would be two more mega projects which would push tourist numbers through the roof. The first would be a nude beach, before you jump to any silly question like “You need a sea to have a beach” let me walk you through the example of Dubai which recently built an island and is now building a refrigerated beach What we just need is money which I told you we would be making mountainfuls of, we have all the sand and the sun (trust me about the sun), what we just need now is 10 Km by 10 Km indoor water pool, and enough water to keep it filled 365 days of year, minor issues if you ask me. Of course we would be getting a lot of rainfall too, more on that later. Second is a model village, no it is not those model villages where they try to show that the self sufficient village concept or the khadi concept or the Panchayat raj still works. It will be model village simply because it will have hundreds of super sexy models playing the village girls in it 24X7. 20 – 30 of them will always be cat walking in the fields or swinging in the swings hanging from the trees with the music “Banna re baag mae jhula padiyan” playing in the background. Another 20 – 30 will have the sole task from drawing water from well and then pouring it on themselves a la Yana Gupta in the movie Manorama (it’ll not be water of course and well’s pulley would be motorized. The rest of them will be doing odd chores around the village like cleaning an already vacuum cleaned floor or pulling out Rotis from Microwave Oven made to look like Angeethis and then serving it to guests. The men of course will have nothing to do except to twirl their moustache, smoke a Hukka or to cater to the women - ‘Dand Pelna’ and ‘Mugdar Pelna’.

Rajasthan Royals would be our national cricket team and that and Camel Racing would be our national games. Cactus’ flowers can be the national flower and the Crow will be our national bird. Tiger will be of course our National Animal. In case you are one of those environmentalists (read pussy) don’t worry we are very conservative about the environment. I understand there are only 1400 tigers left (I am not counting those 11 Bengal Tigers which are as good as finished by the time you would read this). We will do everything in our power to save and increase the number of tigers in Ranthambore ,and no by that we do not mean joining the ‘Save Tigers’ and ‘Stripey the Cub’ groups on Facebook. I mean actual work, like spreading of special Tiger Viagra Pills where tigers come to hunt and all night broadcast of Tiger Porn on huge screens (in a cage of course, we don’t want claw marks or holes in the screen) outside their dens, abolition of tiger board exams which lead to huge number of suicides of cubs and many other things. And we are going to only allow electric cars and camel carts to ply on the road. This way we can shift all the pollution from the cities to the villages where the power generation plants are located. Cool na? And for the Camel Cart thing, the same reason Victoria was allowed to run in Bombay and Stagecoaches still run in London, for a sense of History and pride. But standard pet rules apply (If your camel does it, you have to clean it).

And lastly the most important thing, what will help us in our economy and our national security. The Oil. Petroleum. The Black Gold! I know what you are thinking at this point. “What Oil buddy? This is Rajasthan not the Middle East. Two things here. First of all there are huge oil reserves here. They are just waiting to be found. In fact 500 million barrels have already been found. Refer to the Cairn report for details. And second thing, from now on if you even think of Rajputana as Rajasthan I will have you shot. Rajputs are known for both their Valor and Intolerance. Now, of course we will have friendly relations with India, not only because we share a lot of common history and culture but also I will send all their politicians on an all expense paid trip to Sin City here in Rajputana, with complimentary one million worth of chips to gamble and two prostitutes per night. (Tiwari jee, you got caught a little too early, imagine this). Cordial relations guaranteed.

And now about the other nation which shares boundaries with us. Which is famous of training terrorists and shipping weapon and fake currency notes into India. No, I’m not talking of Dongri-La. Tehalka though being the one of the most finest creations on celluloid is still, alas, only a movie. I am talking of the real country. We are gonna sell them cheaper oil than anyone else. If they attack us, simple, no more oil for them. They would know the great Rajput tradition of Johar (if they castle fell and the womenfolk thought they were about to be captured or worse, then they used to light up this huge bonfire in the middle of the castle. No you pervert, not to have on last great big orgy, but to commit suicide. And jump into it. We are going to do the same, in case somebody attacks us and we can’t repel them then we are going to self destruct the nuclear power plant in Rawatbhata. We are going to take down along with us, everything of value, the oil wells and the enemy that would have entered our boundaries. Ha! I know you would be scared now. But as the motto of Rajputana Rifles goes – “Veer Bhogya Vasundhara” (Nothing to do with our dynamic ex C.M. Vasundhara Raje, it means “Only the brave deserve the earth”)

I’m sure by now you realize that Utopia (Ram Rajya for the traditionalists) exists even if in just my imagination. As the great poet Anirudh Singh Chauhan said “Agar Utopia zami asto , ami asto , ami asto”. (If Utopia exists on earth, it is here, it is here). This is a call to the arms. A patriot must always be ready to defend his own country even against its government”. So say in one voice with me.

“Jai Rajputana”!

P.S. - Post Inspired by the B.C (Banal Conversation) between me and Akshat Govila, Ankit Khandelwala and Anuj Sharma in Kashmir.

The Great Indian Sale – 2

Jokes apart.

I think the most frightening thing is that our parents think that the most crucial decision they can make for us is to get us married well. Every decision, every yes, every no, every offer is leading up to this point. It’s like building up a resume, yes go to convent school; but no don’t go to another city,, you might have an affair marry someone of your choice and then repent; yes do the course in interior designing; yes do an MBA, but don’t think of becoming entrepreneur, study well, come first in class but become a teacher after that. For girls: yes learn Veena, but drums? Who wants a girl who pounds drums as a hobby? For guys: yes learn computers, but cookery classes? What is your wife going to do then?

The confusing thing for me that parents are ready to kill all our aspirations and dreams, to make us happy. I think it is basic human nature, people like to pin all the blame of their miseries in life to one bad decision. Why am I not earning much because I did B.Com when all my friends did B.Tech in IT, why my marriage in bad, because I worked till late. Why my son is spoilt? Because I let him go to Bangalore to study. Why my daughter is having an affair? Because I bought her a cell phone in 10th class. There are thousands of people who did the same thing and are doing better than you, but nobody wants to listen I guess.

Extrapolate this to marriage. I think parents attribute their life being good or bad upon whom did they marry. If they are happy they want their kids to exactly the same, if not, then the complete opposite. And the pressure to marry is insane. Marry marry marry!!

If this match is gone then what will happen? If you marry that girl then what will happen? The Jyotishi said that if you don’t marry this year then you won’t be able to marry for the next 3 years, then what will happen? Look at Anita aunty’s daughter, she is 28 and still not married, what if the same happens to you? I do not know what will happen but I am sure world will come to an end. Nobody ever died because he or she didn’t marry exactly when their parent asked them to. I fail to understand the urgency sometimes.

Though I like to think myself a Men Right Activist but in this case I think women got a raw deal. Not only are they asked to marry early (age wise) but they get the most restrictions put upon them. They need to be in the same city as their husband works, they will work or not depends on whether their husbands and in-laws will it or not. They need a clean character certificate, where the boys can get away with a lot of things.

But then the women are guilty of these things too. The most restrictive and the most demanding is the mother in law of the girl. And the mother before the marriage. If you think about it, there are no Mama’s girls, only Mama’s boys, but then there are plenty of daddy’s little girls. It is like womankind is taking revenge on the next generation women for the sins of the earlier generation, since prehistoric times. And whereas the men have been happy with hunting and sitting near the fire all this while.
I think enough of blaming the parents now. We don’t have our hands clean either.
The boys like their girl friends hot, wear short clothes, dresses up for them, giggles stupidly on their lame jokes. The least work the girl can do without them the more attractive they seem and the more they feel wanted. A girl who says she can’t cross the road or who gets afraid of the dark is actually a turn on for guys. Make all the jokes about dumb blondes. When it comes to getting guys, no smart brunette can ever beat them. But marriage is a whole different issue then. This is where the salwar kurta clad, 'sushil' girls get ahead. "She can knit, cook, was first in her class and never raises her eyes. Perfect! Let’s marry her!"

The girls on the other hand dig those bad biker types, who keep a stubble, have hair unkempt and grin like asses when they see them. Who get into fights when someone as little as looks at them, who break stuff, treat them like trash in evening and then apologize and threaten suicide in the night. Some might not believe me, but trust me, it works. But marry them?

"Ewwww… No way, my papa has seen guy for me, he lives in the US, owns two cars, and earns very well. So what if he is a bespectacled nerd who is losing hair? Who goes in for looks in her husband?"

As my friend just said today, society thrives on double standards. But maybe in my own distorted cynical way I am looking towards marriage in a wrong way, as a institution of love which got corrupted by society. Maybe marriage wasn’t that, ever, except in movies and romance novels. Maybe it was always about co-habitation and copulation. Just like in the animals. Whoever can best provide for my needs and especially to that of my kids will get to my husband. Everything else aside. Maybe that is what it is all about, providing, hedging your risk, going in for the known rather than the unknown, for the times tested than the uncertain. In short making the future secure in more ways than one.

Maybe the Great Indian Sale isn’t a sale at all. Maybe it is a race, a race for survival, a race for betterment of life; you feed and train your horse, find a good jockey, put all your money on it and **crack** down comes the whip!

P.S. – Pardon my cynicism, maybe I too got love to blame for it.

C'est la vie

They say that there are not three dimensions, but four. Time being the fourth one. Sometimes when you look back on your life gone by you can travel through time same way you can travel through space. Stay with it and you can relive your lifetime in that split second. All heartbreaks and cheers, laughter and tears. Impossible victories that were clinched and your destiny that slipped, life served sunny side up and loss served whipped. Your life is nothing more but a collection of those laughters and lines, euphoria and whines.

Sometimes the illusion comes, when you ask why this, why me, shouldn’t I have done things differently? When you look back you see the diversions in your destiny, like a pruned bonsai tree or forked lighting. But what you do not realize is that it’s an illusion, there are no choices, there is nothing but a straight line. If you had done something else, taken a different road then it wouldn’t have been you, it would have been someone else, asking a different set of questions.

When I am packing up things in my room I realize that it is not just stuff I am packing but a life. It is baggage both in the literal sense and figurative, and I need to decide what to carry with me and what to leave behind. Everything I own is a part of me, a part of who I wished to be. Cutting out anything is like leaving your life behind, but like all journeys, in life too, you can’t take everything with you. So the world that I am a part of, the world that I helped shape will end tomorrow and tomorrow a different world will rise, and what to keep and what not will be decided by the world and the man that I would be tomorrow. So without condoning or condemning I go through it. Because as they say ‘C'est la vie’ or such is life.

The Great Indian Sale - 1

No I’m talking about the annual sale of Big Bazaar and there ‘Sabsa Sasta Din’ and all. This is the sale which is always ongoing and the salesmen & women peddle their goods year around and sometime for years.

The goods are advertised everywhere, in newspapers, family gatherings, kitty parties, marriages especially and the now the new age tool – Internet. And everybody is busy to get the best deal. But the unique thing about this sale is that everyone who is selling something is also buying something, which someone is selling. Confused? Then read this –

“PQM invited for H’some IIT IIM boy wrkng in top US MNC 18 LPA N Mnglk seeking V B’ful fair slim homely decent girl from KKB family. Reply with BHP. M: 9988776655”

Maybe now you have an idea what I am talking. And don’t try to search the meanings of above abbreviations and acronyms in a dictionary, you won’t find them.

This my dear is the great Indian sale. Being Indians to the core we squeeze all the relevant information into as few words as possible to save on the newspaper matrimonial publishing cost. The relevant information in the case of Wanted Groom is his age, professional qualifications, current salary and employer. And maybe if these are not impressive enough then maybe something about his dad. All well earning and well qualified boys are handsome, fair, decent and from reputed family by default.

And in case of girls the relevant information is age, height, shape, complexion, working or non working and the most baffling concern of Indians - convent educated or not. Complexion in case of matrimonial ads for girls always lies in one of the three categories- wheatish, fair and very fair. Nobody is dark in India, at least a girl who is looking to get married. Where do the not so slim, or decent, or fair or non convent educated girls go to marry is no concern to anyone.

And before I forget, even if the boy is a PhD from MIT, working in NASA and they might be looking for “Modern, Convent Educated girl” but the horoscope has to be matched, and manglik and non manglik are matters of life and death, literally.

This takes care of the newspaper and Internet matrimonial ads. But the social marketing is most interesting, whether the sales pitch can go from subtle to hard sell in a minute. And the marketing could be teaser to price off limited time promotions.

From Moms of the girls inviting others to the kitty party to serve them ‘Gajar ka Halwa’ and “home made chocolates” which are made by ‘Sweety’ (when in actuality they are prepared by their maid and a factory in Switzerland respectively)

To Moms of boys dropping subtle hints like “Ye chocolates kha ke dekhiye, apna Rajeev London se leke aaya hai… Aajkal to wo UK aata jaata hee rehta hai na jab se Senior Vice President bana hai… Salary bhi badha ke 15 kar dee hai… Koi shauk nahi hai use bas Tennis khelne ka aur Chocolates khane ka”.

And the dads taking their sons/daughters fully decked to their far off cousin’s son’s marriage which they would have never bothered to attend if their sons/daughter’s weren’t of marriageable age.

India after probably having the largest number of engineers in the world is all set to become the country to have the largest no of MBAs, and why not? I think everybody is a Philip Kotler over here, not only do they know all marketing strategies and tactics like the back of their hand but can also see through them. In these sales everybody have their USPs, the boys are either well educated (a big deal in South India), or well earning (a big deal in whole of the world I guess), or from a well off business family, read rich (a big deal in Jains, Aggarwals etc) or from a reputed, socially well heeled families (a big deal in Rajputs). And the girls are either Very beautiful, Very fair, Slim and Smart, or Homely and Decent, or Topper in Post Graduation from Mathura University and if everything else fails then working in good company and at a good position.

Every matrimonial ads sounds like a RFP with points required in the quotation mentioned. While some points are negotiable but some points cannot be and non compliance in those can lead to rejection or worse ridicule and foul mouthing of the product and the organization (read the boy/girl and their family). So points like being non manglik, lesser height and age than the boy, educational background and previous relationship and marital status and income are sacrosanct points and undergo rigorous checks before a quotation is considered. But then every buyer is also a seller and they understand there is lot of latitude allowed in the words like beautiful, fair, handsome, top MNC, highly qualified etc. And some features like beauty and looks, weight and receding hairlines can be traded for fat pay cheques, big bank balances, living abroad, a huge dowry or the chance to join your father in law’s business. Some people are even one step ahead of the game and want their daughter in law to be to be a virgin and make it clear either subtly or explicitly, hell people even say that in newspaper ads. Having a known previous affair, broken engagement or divorce can seriously affect your brand equity.

And the best way to build brand equity is to be IIT + IIM graduate, work in an MNC, stay abroad and own a fancy roadster for guys. And for girls is to be very fair, ‘tv serial bahu’ looks, topper in your college but in useless courses like Home Science, interior design or fashion designing (you don’t wanna give your husband-to-be a complex), know how to cook, either don’t work or work in a job in which you are back by the time the kids are and lastly appear homely & domesticated and devoid of any ambition & personality.

All of the Indians know this and fine tune their product and marketing communications till the very end to achieve high brand equity and thus the highest price or the best product with their purchasing power. Everyone is shouting to attract the most buyers and sell their wares to the highest bidder. And what happens to the people who are peddled all over the market by their very own parents? I don’t know firsthand but when you have conversations like this when you go to someone’s house or any other meeting point to see someone I assume it can’t be good. –

Boy – Hi
(The girl looked so much fairer in the photograph, I bet it was photoshopped)

Girl – Hi
(This guy had more hair in the photograph; I bet it was 5 years old)

Boy – Ummm… I think your parents told you about me…
(What do I say to her as to not to sound a fool but then not totally tongue tied too?)

Girl – Yes, they did
(Yes you bloody fool, otherwise why would I be sitting here with you?)

Boy – Ok
(Quick think of something to say)

Girl – So you work in Citibank?

Boy – Yes, before that I was working in HDFC but then I didn’t like that job very much and my boss…
(Shit, why am I telling HER all this)

Girl – Oh okay…
(Why is he telling ME all this)

Boy – So you like Painting, uh?
(Ha, now the ball is in her court!)

Girl – Yes and also classical music.
(Wow, are you a psychic, how could you guess that? Let me think, because it’s written in my bio data you moron, why are you asking me what you already know?)

{Five minutes of uncomfortable silence when the boy tries to fight off the thought that how would she look without that Sari and the girl notices a microscopic stain in her Sari and curses everyone from the dry cleaner to their maid to the Gods in her head}

Girl – Would you like anything?
(Please god, was he looking at the stain? Please don’t tell me he saw it. Quick, try to distract him.)

Boy – No thanks. Would you?
(Damn, did she get to know what was I thinking, why is she giving me that look?)

Girl – No, I’m ok.

{Five more minutes of uncomfortable silence. Then the boy’s father calls him}

Boy – Yes dad? Coming. Uhh.. Ok bye. It was nice to meet you.
(Phew, saved by the bell. I think this girl is a retard. I think I should marry her only. At least she will keep her mouth shut)

Girl – Ya, bye. Same here.
(Phew, saved by the bell. I think this guy is a retard. I think I should marry him only. At least he will keep his mouth shut)

There are even MR agencies employed in this business. Ages before it was done by the Pandits and Naais (barbers) now it is done by nosy aunties and Matrimonial sites like Shaadi.com which promise to get you the ‘best deal’. And surprise surprise, most Indian marriages work. Unlike in US where they marry for love and more often than not the marriages ends up in divorce, here in India we marry for everything but, but still our marriages are rock solid. I think the most apt statement that explains them is one made by Sahni Saab (Vinod Nagpal) in the movie ‘Khosla ka Ghosla’ –

“Ye puura desh hee pehancho compromise pe chal raha hai!”


P.S. - Part 2 coming soon....

To be or not to be

Of all the things I have pondered over death was never one of them, now I wonder why it wasn’t. Death is the most certain part of your life.

Life is adulterous harlot who only has a brief affair with you, death is your true love, finally you sleep in her inviting arms.

Do you think your life would have been better if you knew when were you going to die? Or you prefer the ignorance of not knowing? What if I knew I was dying in a week? That would have been better for me, I would have ran to every loved one and told them how much I loved them, did all the things I wished to do and so on. But what if I knew I was going to die in 5 years? I would have quit my MBA. Never would have taken a job, never marry, never do anything of permanence. The proverbial life on rent. Would I like that, certainly not. In this case I think ignorance is bliss.

The brevity of life is I think the whole essence of it, how much people love their lives and much mankind values life as a whole is amazing. I think that people knowing that this life wouldn’t be with them for long is the fact that they value it so much. Well, at least most people do. Some people go ahead and take their own. It is difficult for me understand why suicides are so frowned over in this world. It is supposed to be a coward’s way, who quit and took the easy way out. But isn’t our life all about taking the easy way out? And people are anyways inherently selfish. So why condemn suicide? Isn’t enduring a punishing life a much worse fate than death itself? Death is a release, it is not a punishment. When you are gone the things you did, things that you wanted to do, and things that others wished you would are not going to matter anyways.

I think the question was brilliantly pondered over by Shakespeare in ‘Hamlet’

“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to,
'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.”

There is no afterlife. No heaven or hell, nothing to be accounted for after you are gone. What we have is right here and now.

But still, we the people, dread death and disapprove of suicide.

Some people argue about their fear of death that they are leaving behind their loved ones who would be devastated by their death. Yes they will be, but you will no longer be around to feel their pain. None of it will matter anymore, none of anything will matter. I am sure they are children being murdered and people suffering through imaginable pain the very time you are reading this. But you do not know about it, and that makes it easy for you. So will be the pain of the people around you when you are dead. You won’t feel it, ever.

Moreover, suicide is illegal and punishable by law. People scream about liberty and freedom to live their lives as they see fit. What about the liberty to end it? I think making suicide punishable is the most ridiculous thing ever. It's like fining someone who did the mistake of being penniless. For me it only means one thing, that the society eggs you that if you attempt suicide, you better finish the job, otherwise we will punish you.

And what is the reason of our life anyways? Nothing but to aid the perpetuity of life itself. To make life easier for the people who are already here and to prepare for those who are expected to come. Life according to me has no higher purpose. I don’t condemn anyone who indulges in it. Maybe I am hedonist, but then so is everyone else. At least I am an honest one.

To end I will quote this quote which has always intrigued me.

“Balian of Ibelin: You go to certain death.
Hospitaller: All death is certain.”

Day 0 - Final Part

Day -200 (Year 2 begins)

Recession has hit the job market with full force. There is no 2 day placement for the senior batch anymore, no multiple offers, no picks and choose. The shattered dreams of the senior batch can be seen lying around the campus.
All the dream companies of MBA have either bankrupted or are in major retrenchment. The papers are full of stories of doom, like apocalypse is here. Everybody has the living light scared out of them.

Day -199

MBA decides to Major in Marketing and Minor in Finance reckoning that he can sit for maximum companies though his interest is in neither and his dream job is WPM (Whichever Pays More)

Day -180

MBA is being asked to launch new products in the market, increase brand loyalty and implement CRM in an organization. The MBA makes the most grandiose of plans and most arduous of recommendations. And like expected he is getting good grades for it. Last project where he made common-sensical recommendations and tried to get the basics right did not go well with the professor, notes to self made.

Day -100

MBA is full chillaxed now. Hardly ever reads the cases or prepare for the quizzes and thanks god for relative grading. Most of his time is either spent in participating in B-School competitions or trying to get a live project.

Day -70

MBA participates into a jingle making competition, a stock market game and an operations quiz. After all using Google and depending upon luck doesn’t require any specialization. The hunt for any and every kind of certificates and need for CV bullet point starts again.

Day -60

MBA works his ass off to get a live project. The feeling of hard work after so long is surprisingly good. Though MBA had already decided not to work at all in this project from now. If they are not giving him the certificate now to put in his CV then it’s no use, and if they are giving him a certificate now to put in his CV then also it’s no use to work anymore.

Day -30(Lateral Placements Begin)

There is a buzz in the campus. Everybody is running around carrying their Kotlers, Micro Economics and Finance books. Some IT stalwarts are even seen carrying their JAVA and Oracle books.

Rumor Mill is working overtime too. Every other day there is news of one XYZ college who is visited by a top notch company which will not be coming to our campus or a ABC company who picked up 15 people from some other campus though only picking 2 from ours and lastly the PQR company who is giving a better package and profile to an equivalent college of ours.

MBA wonders why he and his campus is the centre of all misfortune in the universe.

Day -29

The most disturbing rumor of it all. The FMCG Company he did summers in isn’t giving out PPOs this year. People console him by saying “You’ll surely have an edge when the company comes to recruit from the campus”, but rumor has it that the company isn’t hiring this season. People again console by saying “You surely will have an edge on everybody else as your Summers is the most important part of the CV”

Day -28

The fat balding Bengali guy who came here after 4 years of IT work-ex and whom everybody made fun of got into a MNC IT company on the profile – Consultant! MBA has not been even able to raise his dropped jaw when he hears that he that it might be the highest package in the campus this year.

Day -7 (Week before Placement week)

The bomb is dropped on the batch by the placecom when they announce the news everybody dreaded. Not many companies are lined up for the placement week, the packages are going to be bad this year too, their major recruiters are not coming back to the campus and yes, his company hasn’t offered a PPO to anyone this year.
“So much for the recovery and green shoots in the papers. Somebody shoot them or shoot me”, MBA thinks.

Day -6

People have taken this news two ways, half have resigned themselves to their fate and waiting with their head hanging for whatever that will happen, the other half is panicky and has started calling everyone from their earlier colleagues, job consultants to their exes for a job. They have dived into books with new vigor and are begging the placecom to let them tweak their CVs one more time.

Day -1 (The night before Day 0)

MBA is nervousness personified. After pouring through his Kotler, Finance, Operations and ever HRM book once the MBA is still unsure of the difference between retrenchments, firing and layoffs. Whether a Master Planning schedule is made first or a MRP. He runs backs to book whenever he forgets the definition of service marketing, full form of MRP – II and difference between Active vs. Passive ETF Investing.

He has everything from a MR as his summers, to a finance live project to a HR quiz won in his CV.

Plus the there is 10 companies whose websites I need to see and check out their balance sheets, P&L account. And not to forget the ICRA reports on their respective Industries.

DAY 0 –

MBA has been shortlisted in a Consulting Firm, a MR firm, a MNC bank, a life insurance firm and a automobile company for the day. He had applied for all as all of them fit the criteria of WPM.
First interview is the big Consulting Firm

He thinks – Do this well and you are set for life!

Consulting Firm –

Partner in the firm- So MBA why consulting?

MBA – This is my dream company. Sir all my life I have been a generalist rather than a specialist and consulting will give me exposure to all kind of sectors and will quench my thirst for knowledge… Blah Blah Blah…
MR Firm –

HR – So why Marketing Research?

MBA – This is my dream company. Ma’am I think I am good in research and MR is a very good way to get into the field of marketing where you can directly see the result of all marketing activities … Blah Blah Blah…

MNC Bank –

HR - Why our Bank MBA?

MBA – This is my dream company. Your Brand Name has the kind of reputation which no other bank enjoys in the market. In last year’s recession when all the major banks either perished or had to be bailed out your back was one of the few who were fiscally sound…. Blah Blah Blah ….

Life Insurance Company –

HR – So why this sector?

MBA – This is my dream sector .India as a county is very under penetrated when it comes to Insurance and thus there is a immense potential this sector and according to the latest IRDA report … Blah Blah Blah ….

Automobile Company –

HR – Why the Automobile Sector?

MBA begins to wonder whether there is some HR Penal Code by which they will be tried if they did not ask this question. The Placecom has already told them that I am on four other processes and they are the only automobile company on the campus so they should know that I am just trying to get a job like they did when they first passed out.

MBA – This is my dream company. Being an Engineer I was always fascinated by machines and what better machines there are than automobiles? And the automotive sector has started to pick up again… According to the latest SIAM report …. Blah Blah Blah ….

Rejected Everywhere!

MBA is astounded to see the most of the scumbags and free riders of the batch are through and not to mention the girls! While the batch topper, the half the placecom and the Finance whizkids (read cleared CA / CFA / FRM/ etc etc) and the Marketing Gurus are still here.

Lesson 3 of MBA – All is takes, is to be in the right place at the right time. Luck or any other synonym of it does matter!

Day 1 –

Shortlisted in a Indian Bank –

Panelist – Why our bank?
MBA – I was always interested in a bank. Management of risks in Bank was my favorite topic….

Panelist (interrupting him) – But we are offering the profile of Relationship manager so you won’t be working with the risk management group. Havent you seen the JD we had sent and our PPT?

MBA (foot in his mouth) – Yes Sir. But I wasn’t clear on the JD. I mean I was. I thought I could switch afterwards from CASA selling to Risk Management.

Panelist – No you can’t.

MBA (Irritated, he wants to shout “I am a MBA from a top notch B-School and you are some bank PO, you don’t get to tell me shit.”) – I don’t think I’ll be able to perform very well in this role then Sir. I’m sorry.

After two more rejections his friends gather around him. Many pieces of infinite wisdom fly his way.

“Don’t worry something better will come your way. “ Don’t worry you’ll get placed in some company. ““Our college people are fools they don’t know how to push students. ““ Oh, you shouldn’t have said that in the interview. ““You should have given NCFM along with me, that’s what every bank requires. ““ Actually with your engineering background you should have been prepared for manufacturing companies. ““Here, wear this tie when you go in for interview next time, this is my lucky tie. ““Say this in the interview next time… Blah Blah…“

Day 2 –

Only one shortlist in a new telecom company.

MBA thinks – Now I am screwed for life

MBA finally gets through for the role of sales manager at a meager salary compared to his classmates.

Day 100 –

After his MBA and the so called orientation the MBA is thrown into a small town for looking into the town’s sales and to supposedly learn. MBA tries all his customer engagement, brand building and sales management knowledge into it but nothing seems to be working.

MBA also realizes it’s no use wearing a suit to the office. In fact he was the laughing stock of the office.

Day 101 –


MBA unlearns all the strategic planning, keeping the strategic intent of the company in the company in view before sales planning etc etc. There is no brand building to be done here, he does not have to design the distribution model or to set the pricing and he has no say in the capital structure of the firm either.

So much for all the subjects taught in the MBA course!

MBA loses his tie too

Day 200 –

MBA realizes that running a business has little to do with cramming up AIDA model and CAPM equations. It’s more about common sense, managing people and having a good sense of things to come. And of course also about keeping your boss happy.

Day 3650 – Ten years have passed since MBA faced his day 0 in the same college. Now he returns as the Marketing head. He had a fast track growth in a then small company that grew by leaps and bound in those years and left competition behind.

MBA arrives on Day 0 in his alma mater to pick up students for his organization along with the HR team. His company has managed to get a day 0 slot because of its package offered and the number they are looking to pick up.

MBA – Tell me something about yourself…..

Other MBA – Sir …..

Maybe now the circle is complete

Lesson 1 of life – The race is hard and long. But in the end it’s only with yourself. Sometimes you might think you are ahead ,sometimes you think you lag behind but you can never win or lose until it’s over.

Day 0 - Part 2

Day -550 (First day of B-School) –

MBA enters the hallowed portals of the B-School.

He thinks – Now I am set for life!

Around a hundred other bespectacled, out of shape geeks are lined for the orientation too. MBA looks around for. Well what every guy looks around for when entering a room. Girls, few and far between, out of shape and geeky too.

There is a buzz in the room. People are shaking hands and introducing themselves everywhere. Introductions are always followed by questions like background, work-ex, finance or marketing. Some people from blue blooded colleges are following it up with “Oh good, me too. Which batch?” MBA gets a degrading look and a half smile from few people with lesser hair on their head than his whenever he mentions the word ‘Fresher’. Few hours in the college and he is already feeling out of place.

Everybody falls silent when the Director arrives to address the batch. He hears the words Leadership, Innovation, Manager, Organization, Time Management interspersed in the speech umpteen numbers of times. He finishes the speech with saying that their curriculum here will be extremely rigorous and demanding but also fun. He is still wondering about the meaning of the last oxymoronic statement when one other professor arrives for his session. After 2 days of grueling orientation he is more disoriented than oriented but he starts to understand the meaning of rigorous curriculum.

Day -548 (First day of classes) –

People are sizing up each other after the first round of introductions and have started discussing electives, last year’s placements, other college placements etc. MBA guesses the time of making friends is over, now they all just Network.

MBA is reeling under the literal weight of the books and reading materials that has been thrown his way in the beginning of the term when the professor in the end adds that they should read a business newspaper daily, as well as industry journals and reports and also some other books in the library for further reading.

Second professor who he saw walking stooped in the foyer today enters the class and starts thundering and makes a class full of 50 hot-shots feel worthless and unknowledgeable. So much for being the top 2% of country’s brain. Then he moves on to prove that every company in the country, no actually world-wide is worthless. MBA starts wondering why this gentleman isn’t the CEO of Microsoft or GE or any company for that matter. He looked like such a poor old man in the morning at least.

Day -540 (Second week of MBA)

There is mad rush of getting in the clubs or organizing committees. All the seniors pitch about their club which according to them is doing everything for the college and getting the all so important placements for college. They ask for CVs, SOPs, Presentations and a zillion other things. The shortlisted ones would be called for an interview. His bubble of ‘all this shit is behind me now’ bursts. He misses the deadline of one club by 12 minutes and thus not considered. He realizes how Professional (read A**holes) his seniors are. After making a million false promises of working hard and devoting his life for that club, he gets through in one. He soon realizes though that there are as many clubs members as they are students in the college. Everybody needs one more bullet point in their CV.

When he finally gets to breathe amidst the club work, group work, reading and class preparation he gets an e-mail asking for his CV for the summer internships. He starts Googling for Career Objectives while wondering isn’t summer internships in summers? Even winter hasn’t begun yet.

Day -539

MBA wants to quit. He realizes he is not cut out for this. And getting a D in the quiz confirmed. His getting here was some cruel joke played upon him by god. He cannot possibly do all this work and attend all the classes too.

Plus he is flabbergasted by his classmates. One guy who once admitted writing CAT four times before this argued why Indian B-Schools allow people with no work-ex who don’t have the required corporate exposure and understanding of management, into MBA.
One guy after copying everything from Wikipedia argues that he conducted an exhaustive secondary research for the group work and thus added the most value to the project. While his other group mate excused herself because of not being well and adding ‘female problem’ when prodded further. The next day she was seen showing pictures of herself and her boyfriend who was in town yesterday for a meeting.

He is also made aware of the concept unknown to lesser mortals (non MBAs) of having an in-campus and one off-campus boyfriend/girlfriend.

Day -450 (somewhere in the middle of the 1st year) –

He gets a project to make the marketing strategy for GM and an assignment to understand the Branding strategy of P&G. Delusions of Grandeur start forming in his head.

Day -420

He is being taught Brand Management, Optimal Capital Structure, Strategy Formulation, International Marketing etc etc. More Delusions.

Day -365 (Summer Placements begin)

The same grind of Shorlisting, GDs and Interviews begin again.
One big shot FMCG arrives on campus which is said to dole out PPOs like free advice from neighboring Aunties.

Intern Selection process begins.

He thinks – Do this well and you are set for life!

After a never ending process of GDs and double interviews he is finally taken for a Psychometric test. The HR explains it is to determine cultural fit in the organization and whether the candidate is a team player. MBA thinks this company is so good; it takes summer recruitment very seriously. I am 100% in for a very good project as well as a PPO. He gets through.

He thinks – Now I am set for life!

Day -290 (First day of Summer Internship)

MBA arrives in the office to report, full of enthusiasm. He is little disappointed when the security stops him from entering the office and after 30 minutes and 4 phone calls he is allowed in. But this dampens his spirits. This is first corporate exposure after all.
MBA and his co passengers in the raft (it’s too small to be called a boat) of summer trainees again undergo orientation where his Mentor (read the person unlucky enough to be burdened with them) gives an energetic speech and ends with saying that he hopes they all will have a prosperous career with the company and they should come to him if they need any guidance.
He then disappears for a cigarette break and returns visibly irritated after half an hour and sweating. He throws towards them tons of literature about the company and asks them to read up everything by tomorrow. That was all for today.

Day -289 (second day of summer internship)

MBA arrives the second day brimming with confidence to take the problem by the horns that he is been asked in to solve. He realizes he only has 2 months so he better start working from today.
While he is still day dreaming about how he is going to use his MBA fundas to solve the problem he is called by his mentor. His mentor throws him a set of 20 page questionnaires and asks him to get it filled by at least 600 people and get the addresses of the shops to visit from his junior. He again repeats his offer to be of guidance and then starts looking at his laptop again

The junior most guy revels in the pleasure of having someone below him for the first time while he makes MBA wait for half an hour just to send him the file containing the addresses.

Day -288 (third day of summer internship)

Standing the blazing April sun the MBA wonders why for getting a few forms filled they needed to check my communication skills, marketing knowledge and my organizational fit.
When the third aunty refuses to divulge her choice of washing powder he starts asking himself whether his April 1st joining date was just a co incidence or part of something far more sinister.

Day -280

When he arrives in the office after tragically managing to only get 16 forms filled in 8 days he thinks he needs some Guidance and knocks on his Mentor’s cabin. He is politely asked to come later as he is busy. After seeing his mentor take 2 coffee breaks, 4 cigarette breaks and an hour long lunch break the MBA starts losing it.

After ignoring him for days finally the mentor asks how his project is going. MBA replies not good and says nobody to ready to fill the form and it is very difficult for him to get it done in time and which analysis he needs to do after finishing the questionnaires. Mentor replies to hang in there and lectures him on the tough life in the field and tough life in general and leaves for his cabin.
Frustrated he calls his other classmates to find out how they are doing. He is delighted to find out one other guy has been asked to do tele-sales and one girl just arranges the desk of her mentor and googles for the data he requires.

Life is not so bad after all.

Day -240 (last week of internship) –

MBA realizes that there is no way he can complete the 600 forms now and starts remembering the names of his remotest of relatives to fill the forms himself.

Day -235 (last day of internship)

MBA submits a 100 page thick report on his findings containing 39 pages of company history and structure and 4 pages to thank everyone from the CEO to the peon of the company. He makes a presentation dazzling with obscure charts, excel sheet links, and company changing findings. Even the division head applauds the presentation and says he would like to review the report too.

MBA hands over one spiral bound color printed copy to him too knowing full well that it will never see the light of day again.

He too is becoming seasoned now. Baptism by fire.

Lesson 2 of MBA - All business is show business.

(to be continued)