The Big Bang Theory(s)

WARNING: Long, meandering, incomprehensible and scatterbrained post.

I am going to discuss multiple theories here. All of them are too small to warrant an entire post, but too great to keep it from the world.

Well actually most of them are either already established or just plain common sense or too absurd to be even called a theory. But this is my blog, and I can write about any damn thing that I want. And as Sawyer said in LOST "There ain't squat you can do about it"! Anyways there is no 'Logic Clause'. So here goes –

Theory 1 : Delhites are the Americans of India

Now you have to agree with me on this one. And there is plenty of proof.

First take the obsession of them with everything BIG. And I am not even talking about parts of female anatomy, which is true too though. Big cars/SUVs, Big house, Big Farm House, Big Malls, Big Diamonds, Big biceps, Big portions of food, Big weddings, Big everything. The obsession of Big is equally evident in the Americans. They too want to Supersize everything. If Van der Rohe would have been here, he would have cried, nobody even heard of 'less is more' here.

Second like the Americans think that the world doesn't exist outside their country, Delhites think that India doesn't exist outside Delhi, when talking about rural areas they talk about Najafgarh and Nangloi, when hypothetically opening a new store they will open one in Khan Market and one in GK. I'll not be surprised if someone named Chitraranjan Park instead of Cherapunji as the wettest place in India. Most Delhites wouldn't have ever stayed outside Delhi more than a few days on holiday but they can affirm very confidently that all South Indians are 'Madrasis', everybody in Bengal eats rice and fish thrice a day and everybody from U.P. is a thief. Like all Colombians are drug dealers, all Indians are taxi drivers and all people from Middle East are terrorists for Americans. And despite being totally unaware of world outside they are quick to claim that their place is 'the best'.

There is no dearth of 'Dumb Blondes' in Delhi, who sport hand bags of 20,000 and have an IQ of 20. I personally know one of them. Delhi like America has no culture, it's a mish mash of various people who came and settled over there, but they don't hesitate for a second to call anybody new as an outsider. Both lack taste, grace and civility. They too are obsessed by security, numerous times I have been groped by security guards while first entering the city, then entering a mall and then entering the multiplex in it. Even after having the highest security cover they still continue to be paranoid. Both are experts in Mass Hysteria, think about the monkey man of Delhi and the UFO sightings of US. And don't even get me started on the prevalence of gun-culture in both these places.

And to top all that you have the Jaats of Delhi. They are under educated, coarse and hugely built. They live in ghettos; move out in packs and always looking to get into a fight. Now where have you seen that other than Delhi? The Niggers… Oops I mean the African American community of the US of A.

But one last thing and I hate to say it. But Delhi people like Americans have worked hard to reach the position they are and in some ways deserve the snobbishness they have. They are aggressive, they take risks, aspire big and they get it. And I have to give it to them for being successful.

Theory 2 : If you wanna live forever, die young.

Do you know why Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, James Dean and Kurt Cobain are the Icons they are? Well yes, they were terrific at what they did, but many other people were too. But very few have had this unending fan following by the youth of many generations. Because they died young. They did not live long enough to fall from grace, to let people see their downfall, there singing out of tune, the mudslinging, eccentricities and scandals every celebrity goes through. They got frozen in time at their peak. And also nobody talks bad about you once you are dead.

I was thoroughly convinced of it from long, but when I saw somebody wearing a T Shirt in McLeodganj which said King of Pop (1958 – 2009) with Michael Jackson's photo on it , that nailed it for me. Just by dying he went from being 'Wacko Jacko' to the king of pop in a matter of days. Trust me if Hrithik Roshan would have died just after 'Kaho na pyaar hai' he would have been the most popular Hindi film star of this era. But he didn't, he went to star in lousy movies like Fiza, Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage etc etc. Though he is still popular, but everybody knows that the fanfare of KNPH days has certainly died.

So as Batman said in 'The Dark Knight' "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain".

Theory 3 : Nobody tells the truth when they are drunk.

'Peeke aadmi hamesha sach bolta hai' is one of the biggest myths in the world that has to be defunked. I , in fact am a glibber liar when I am drunk, I can lie so easily when drunk that I sometimes I don't even realize I just lied. You can believe in the Yeti, UFOs, Area 51 (I believe in Area 51), Bermuda Triangle, or we living inside The Matrix, but people don't lie when they are drunk is certainly a thing you shouldn't believe.

I think this belief stems from three things, firstly who either get in confessional mode after drinking or say things which they otherwise would not have said in those social settings. Which makes people misinterpret the phenomena as people being incapable of lying when they are drunk.

Secondly by the portrayal of drunks in the media and popular culture, by Johnnie Walker saying "Aaj apan piyela hai, aaj apan sab sach bolega", by Anupam Kher giving Johnny Lever 'Sach kee dawaai' and then a drunk Johnny Lever telling him everything about his son (Salman Khan) in the movie 'Jab Pyar kisi se hota hai'.

And lastly this lie has been perpetrated by drinkers themselves who want to lie convincingly. I have heard many a lies, many a times, in many a bars starting with the statement "Dekh bhaai, abhi piya huun, islilye ekdum sach bol raha huun".

The TRUTH (notice the word truth in all caps) is that alcohol de-activates the part of the brain which is responsible for inhibitions and self control. That's why people start dancing on table tops, speaking in English are ready to have sex with random strangers when drunk. Because the inhibition stopping them from doing this is de-activated. And this sometimes culminates in them saying things they otherwise would have been hesitant to say, like asking a girl out or telling someone they like them, and so on, I'm sure you get the drift. But this does not mean they are telling the truth, they can lie if they have to, and still care about the consequences.

Another reason for the sometime sudden barrage of truth when drunk is that people, when they are high, do or say the first thing which pops in their head. Which in most cases is the truth, though in case of glib liars it could be a lie as well. The impulsive action is the reason people get overtly angry, friendly or emotional when drunk, because they do not restrain their first impulses which they otherwise would have.

Now, not directly connected to mind blowing theory that I discussed above but important enough to be mentioned nonetheless is the fact is that people don't change when they are drunk, that is not too much. A man who always gets violent every time he is drunk is violent by nature, the guy who starts speaking in English when high actually wanted to speak in English all along, he was just too conscious of himself, the guy who asked you out might have had genuine feeling for you, he just gathered the courage now when he was drunk. And this here is especially for the women who crib about the fact that there guy 'never calls them when he is sober'. And he only' remembers them when he is drunk' and all. Well he wants to call all the time, he is just tied down by social stigma, by his own lack of courage, or by the fear that you might disapprove of his calling. So don't be irritated that he called when he was drunk, be happy that you were the person whom he wanted to talk the most but couldn't.

Theory 4 : Our actions do not create our Image, our Image creates our actions.

While counter intuitive as first, this is a fact. Or maybe it could have been that in the initial few days we created an image, and we liked what people said about us. So rest of the time we divert our energies to reinforce that image.

But most of us have some hypothetical image of ourselves, or the person we wanna be in the eyes of the other people and then we start putting on the show for them. Sometimes the show goes for so long and gets so appreciated that we start forgetting who we are actually. Everybody wants to be well liked, and there's nothing wrong with it, in fact I think the whole societal structure is based on people being nice to each other. But the problem arises when we become someone because we just wanted to be someone, anyone, someone different, someone noticeable. And then the image starts eating you up.

I see two of the examples very close to me, first is myself. Having the image of 'cool and carefree' in engineering college I couldn't muster up the courage of saying "no, I have to study" even once. Every time anybody asked me to come along for a drink, or for something else I couldn't refuse, because it would be bad for my image, the image I thought got created because I was carefree. I became the de-facto guy drinking company for anybody who wanted to drink in the exams, because I never said no, so Monday I drink with someone , Tuesday with someone else, Wednesday with someone else, and so on, so that I was pretty much drinking whole week while others were studying for the rest of the six days. And it did hurt my studies, big time. Other is my elder brother, having earned the nickname 'Raja Saab' he did his best to upkeep it, even when broke he did not curb his royal life style. When he had 500 bucks with him he could buy a bottle of Blender's Pride for everyone, when he had 200 he would a bottle of Old Monk, when 50 he would buy a pack of cigarettes. I told him many a times to say no and be miserly for sometime as he was broke time and again, he listened and agreed to me but never followed it. Why? Because it did not go with his image. After a while our Image consumed us. Our Image was not a representation of us, we were a representation of our Image!

Theory 5 : All relationships are doomed from the start.

Now call me a cynic, unromantic, non believer or just plain stupid. But you have the see the premise on which the theory is based. These are the facts and they are irrefutable –

The guy dresses the best for the first date, takes the women to some insanely expensive place, he is thoughtful of the little gestures like opening doors, pulling out the chair, complimenting her clothes.

As the first date leads to the courting period the guy messages her 40 times a day, picks her call at 2 AM, serenades her with songs, makes an effort to get along all her friends, relatives and her little eccentricities, sits though chick flicks, tries to even impress her dog, eats Thai food even though he hates it. Tries to look genuinely interested in the story that how her ribbon came off in when she was on stage in her third standard.

She tries to look her best when going out with him, calls him 10 times a day to say that she thought about him, searches and sends him 30 ‘lovey – dovey’ messages every day , stands his loud mouth friends and cigarette breath, laughs at his lame jokes, drops all her prior commitments to meet him, goes to auto expo and tries to understand what is variable cam timing DOHC engine is, gets up at 4 AM to wake him up for his exam.

Have you seen the ad in which the guy when runs of balance on his mobile phone picks up his bike and drives quite a distance just to say ‘Good Night' to his girl friend. People actually do all that stupid stuff when they first start going around.

But it doesn’t take a genius to see that these things are unsustainable and sooner or later, the girl has to tell the guy that he stinks of cigarette and guy has to throw up his hand in air and state that he simply hates Thai food. Then the whole “You have changed a lot”, “You did not used to be like this”, “You have become so un-romantic now” thing starts. And there is no stopping this,

But the paradox is without the act on the first date you wouldn’t get the second and without faking some things on second you wouldn’t get the third. If a tell a girl on the first date that her green nail paint looks weird, and you have actually no interest in how her dad took her to Thailand be sure you would never be seeing her again. Similarly if a girl tells that she has to study after being asked out the second time or turns up wearing her spects and sweat pants then that’ll be the last time she ever was asked out. It is like bait you have to dangle to catch the fish, but you cannot keep her feeding the tunas.

Theory 6 : The Playboys now were once hopeless Romantics.

I’ll keep it simple and short for the last theory. The general theory of relativity was short too, just only 5 scientists in the world could understand at that time when Einstein had put it forward.

Experiment – A guy likes a girl very much. He is a hopeless. They start going around. Everything is going well. He thinks they are headed for some kind of ‘happily ever after’. But it doesn’t happen. The girl leaves him. He cries and mourns her and drowns himself in booze and grief, crying ‘why did she do it to me’. The guy gets so scarred that he is then fearful of all commitment from now. He always gets into ‘casual relationship’ and then ditches the girl moves on. He is afraid that if he gets attached to some girl and if she left him too then he wouldn’t be able to stand the second heart break. So he leaves them before they have a chance to leave him.

Observation – He has become, what people like to call a Playboy.

Conclusion – All these so called Players were big time, syrupy Romantics once, who just got their heart broken very bad.

At times like these I miss her - 2

At times like these I miss her.
It’s a full moon out here,
And nobody around me.

And I remember like I saw her,
Glistening in the moonlight;
With my hands wrapped around her.

Sitting on my roof at night,
I see the distant world below me,
Too far away to harm us.

There is no sound at this time,
Just the night breeze,
And the music you play in my head.

Then I bring you to my lips,
Flick the water glistening on your body,
And take a bittersweet drink of you.

For a brief moment we are one.
I feel you burning inside my body;
I feel you freezing in my hand,

But she is not with me now no more,
Locked away in some place cold and dark,
Waiting for me to let her breathe once more.

For me to bring your cool skin to my cheek,
For me to see you in all your beauty,
Robed in nothing but the water and moonlight.

Wishing to make my head swim,
And to forget who or where I am.
For the night, claim me as yours.

Let’s leave the world behind,
All head and heartaches alike.
And live, live for one night.

But alas the clock has struck 8 on my Cinderella story,
And the tale of the unfinished love continues;
Because I can’t have any ‘Gin on the rocks’ now!!
:-P

Idiot’s guide to How to Manipulate and Abuse

The following is taken from a Governmental Organization’s web site. You can easily switch the names Brian and Sarah to anything more relevant to you. –

When Brian and Sarah began dating, her friends were envious. Brian was smart, sensitive, funny, athletic, and good-looking.

For the first couple of months, Sarah seemed happy. She started to miss her friends and family, though, because she was spending more time with Brian and less time with everyone else. That seemed easier than dealing with Brian's endless questions. He worried about what she was doing at every moment of the day.

Sarah's friends became concerned when her behavior started to change. She lost interest in the things she once enjoyed, like swim meets and going to the mall. She became secretive and moody. When her friends asked if she was having trouble with Brian, she denied that anything was wrong.

Do you wanna be Brian?

Do you want to completely manipulate and mind fuck your partner into getting them to do exactly what you want, when you want and make their life a living hell? Do you want to feel good about yourself by sucking the life force out of someone else? Do you have questions like how some people be the so obnoxious and degenerate and still manage to hold onto their man or woman, but didn’t know whom to ask. If yes then look no further, help is here.

Let me tell you how the game is played.

First find a target. He or she should be naïve and gullible. Looks doesn’t matter, good looking people can as easily be trapped as not so attractive people. But there has to be one fatal flaw, something damaged about them, which makes them have a low self esteem. Small issues being unattractive, nerdy, lonely are good but it’s the really complex issues like a bad past relationship, parent issues, depression, troubled childhood etc. what’ll be the cherry on your cake.

Then lay the trap. Be as charming as sweet as you can be, shower them with attention, make them feel special, say that you understand what they are going through and you will make everything OK, tell them the world is cruel and unjust and it’s not their fault, show them that you are as imperfect as them. Charisma is certainly a pre-requisite here. Do something unexpected for them, buy the girl an expensive gift, give the geeky boy a kiss and then blush profusely. Now the prey is feeling like the Princess who was trapped in a tower by the dragon and you were the Knight who rescued them. He/ begins the to think that this is the real you, that their troubles are behind them, that they are incredibly lucky to have found you.

Now is the time to spring the trap. Only that you do not ‘spring’ the trap, you slowly lower them deeper into the quicksand. First start asking where and with whom they are all the time. Check their phone records and e-mail accounts. Start throwing tantrums and blaming them that they are not spending enough time with you. Give them guilt trips and make accusations like they do not love you ‘as much’. When they try to object to the lack of space say things like “I am just trying look out for you” or “It’s just because I love you and care for you so much” or even better “You remember what happened when you trusted other people the last time?” Start alienating them from their friends, and kill all hobbies and interests in their lives. Now they are hopelessly dependent on you for everything. Keep turning on the charm and adulating them occasionally.

At this point, move in for the kill. Accuse them for being good for nothing, that nobody else likes them, they do not deserve love and how everything that’s wrong is their fault. This helps in reinforcing their low self worth again. Outlaw everything which they would want to do so that they would have to lie to you to do it, then catch them and use the lie as a weapon. Say that everything would be alright if they just ‘tried harder’. Now start dictating terms. Tell them exactly what they should do. Offer minimal and no explanations, all the while doing what you please with your life. In case of disobedience use the following tactics in this order.

• Silent Treatment. Shut them out completely and give no heed to their begging or pleading till they agree to do what you said.
• Show explosive anger. Break stuff in the house. Smash your mobile phone. Shatter Mirrors. Pound the table. Anything that has the required dramatic and intimidating effect. Show that this is only the beginning and further non compliance can bring the worse.
• Start crying hysterically. This works especially well if you are a girl. Act like your choking and are about to faint or worse. Try to say something in between sobs. Trust me this has more crushing effect than a brick wall falling on you.
• Threaten harm to yourself. Say you are going to commit suicide.
• Do something that will hurt them the most. You have all the ammo against him or her, hit where it starts. Ridicule them about their parents, re iterate their past failed relationship, sleep with someone else.

So now you have them at your mercy. Do what you please with them and feel good about yourself. But the work is only half done yet. Now it might be that they might gather the courage and say that they are going to leave you which is unlikely because you have killed all the courage in them. Or it might be some nosy friend of theirs sees this and talks them into leaving you, which is unlikely again as you have made sure that he/she don’t have any friends left (if you feel that there are, put him or her into ‘either me or them’ situation) plus he or she is mistrustful of everyone but you. If the prey is a guy it is even easier, because of his misdirected machismo he will never even accept being used and used, let alone seek help. But even though highly unlikely, this eventuality might occur and thus has to be addressed. So what if she leaves you, don’t worry she will come back. Here’s how –

• First show extreme anger and order them to come back or else….
• If it doesn’t work then cry like a madman and then pretend that you have broken down. Tell them how you miss them so much.
• Threaten suicide more seriously and with specifics. You can even attempt a fake one; a few sleeping pills, drinking phenyl, a few shallow cuts on the wrist, or getting into an accident can work wonders.
• Still not done, threaten to do something against the people she loves, say that you are gonna tell her parents about the drugs she used, say that you are gonna upload your intimate video on the internet, or her life will become even worse if she or he leaves you, and he or she was doomed from the start.
• If nothing works, this surely will. Apologize. Yes you heard me right, apologize. Of course fake but still. Say that you have changed, you have realized that this was not the true you. That you are also a flawed human being just like them and you committed a mistake. But don’t forget to add that it was only because you loved her or him so much and a little more subtly that in reality it was their fault. You are gonna rebuild the relationship again and want their support. Bring the charming, caring old self out again. Sleep with the guy if you are a girl.

He or she is most vulnerable at this time. The prey should think that monstrous you wasn’t the real you and you have really and permanently changed. And somehow he or she owes it you to help you get back to your real self. Phrases like “If you have ever loved me then….” can really do the trick here. Trust he or she will come back. Now when then they are firmly in your grasp you can go back to your old self.

If the whole thing goes south and he or she actually leaves you for good and starts reconstructing his or her life, do not despair. There are plenty of such fish in the sea. Spot somebody else, go to step number one and repeat.

P.S. – Once you get past the satire you must understand that this is a reality and nearer to us than we like to acknowledge. Take a look around.

And if case you are wondering if I am a victim or a perpetrator of this, I’m none. I am, as my one of my friend said about me when he was asked to describe me in one line “Someone who sees everything but says nothing”.

Jai Rajputana !

Before I begin this revolutionary post I must make one thing clear. What I want and what I am going to say is for truly altruistic purpose only, what I have in mind is for the greater good of people, lest my brethren misunderstand me that I am doing this to usurp power or fulfill my fantasies of being a sex sandwich between two Japanese twins (mind you, two super hot, school uniform wearing, lollipop sucking Japanese twins).No. As Samuel L Jackson said in ‘Pulp Fiction’ “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I want to be that good shepherd.

My precious state of Rajasthan has always been sidelined and left off as far as mainstream media or entertainment (these days they both are the same), Punjabis have a total domination over the movies, all the characters in the movies are Punjabis, ‘Mere desh kee mitti’ has to be Punjabi Mitti, there has to be one ‘Hey babe let’s do the Bhangra’ song in the movie. Kashmir has got its terrorism, Mumbai is the city of dreams, Delhi is the national capital, Karnataka has it’s IT companies, UP has got Maywati and Amitabh Bacchan, Bihar has Lalu and the entire Indian Bureaucracy, Andhra now has ‘Telangana’ and the entire North-East got naxalites, what have we got? Nothing, nothing till now. In my 4 years in Bangalore I had a difficult time explaining from where I was, Kota to most South Indians was the place where Devdas went to meet Chandramukhi. And most people had this image that Rajasthan was this huge desert where everyone wore a white Dhoti and Multi-Coloured turban and travelled on Camels. They had a tough time imagining me in that picture, so most people automatically assumed I was from Delhi (don’t’ ask me why, I don’t know myself, in fact I got into a huge fight with my SCMHRD GD group even before the GD stated because of this, they co incidentally were all from Delhi, but this is a story for a different time, back to Rajasthan). And Ironically enough, here in Delhi few people assumed I was from Bangalore (the reason could be my singing Bangalore … Bangalore in every two minutes, but never mind) and some other few assumed I was from Jaipur, no clue as to why again.

Point is that Rajasthan needs a revolution! Nothing like a revolution to up your brand recall and hog the front page of every newspaper. Plus a name change, that also gets a lot of centimeters in news print. I guess nobody here read Shakespeare. Bombay, Calcutta, Madras and even Bangalore got their, now is my time. I am calling it Rajputana! Whoever thinks the name is inspired from the Anurag Kashyap’s movie Gulaal is sadly mistaken, this was the name till ‘Angrezo ka zamana’ and can be found in multiple history books and archived maps. Then some politically correct nationalist (read asshole) changed it to something more socially acceptable. But no more. We are going to break away from the nation that has gives us no place in the movies, very high tax rate on booze, and ignoring in the media. The earlier ruling class, the Rajputs will be put back into place as the rulers, with me being the Supreme head of course after successfully leading the revolution and separation from India, or high chancellor as I would like to call myself.

Jai Rajputana !

Now at this point some people might be thinking that I have gone crazy, some might be thinking of that how that small state is going to survive on his own, some people even might be thinking of handing me over to the police for anti national thinking. To all of you, I urge to read further, as you will soon see I have got it all worked out.

First things first, I need to address the people who might be thinking that after this Rajasthan … errr sorry … Rajputana will become like Afghanistan under Taliban. They need not fear. No restriction of any kind will be put on women about dress or working or anything of that matter, no restriction will be put on facial hair for men. Though perhaps shorter skirts and deeper blouses might fetch girls extra marks in government schools and hotter and scantily clad women might be given slight privilege in government jobs. But hey, nobody is stopping you from wearing anything. Similarly a thick long moustache is not compulsory for men, just that without that they might lose promotions in jobs or might be taken to the police station at 3 in the night on suspicion of anti-nationalist activities. So as I said no restrictions of any kind, prostitution will be legalized with designated red light areas in cities and government subsidy on production of condoms, sex toys and lubricants and of course porn. We need to catch up with Europe fast. Drugs would be legalized too, in fact 100 grams of grass will be added to the Ration list of BPL families and sincere effort would be made to rehabilitate them by getting them into either prostitution or drugs business (sex notwithstanding, as there will be no article 377 in RPL, Rajputana Penal Code).

As somebody had pointed out water shortage would be a problem here, even if we do not consider the Indira Gandhi Canal and the rivers Chambal and Banas the solution is simple. Beer. Yes you heard (read) it correct, beer. Who needs water if we have beer to drink and clothes can be dry cleaned and toilet paper is made mandatory. We will have coke (the non powdered variety) for the kids. Water bottles will be opened only in the case of celebrations, like champagne in the less fortunate parts of the world. We can of course buy water in case you need to take a bath or cook with it, which would be rare too because everything will be A.C. and roasted lamb with beer will be the staple diet. But as I said we can buy the water with all the money we would be making. Let me tell you how.

Did you know what was Las Vegas before Bugsy? A barren piece of land in the middle of a desert, just like few small towns of Rajasthan. Now it is the most happening place on earth. And why? Because gambling was legalized in Nevada and it was the centre of all the action. Now it makes $ 52,543,138,852 per year and is a shining star of the U.S.A. Imagine lots of Casinos and 5 star hotels just near you. The Sin City just in your neighborhood! No US Visa required, no astronomical rates in Dollars. Just bad, dirty ..errr… I mean good, clean fun. Of course all the money which the gamblers lose, which is a lot, will be going into government coffers. You can even think of that as people investing into government bonds. With a saving rate like that ….. 15% growth rate to kahin nahi gayi.

Second is tourism. Any Idiot can think of this. Who doesn’t want to come to a place where prostitution is legal, drugs are legal, booze is cheaper than water and girls are encouraged to wear skimpy clothes? There will not much hassles of Visa and there are plenty of open places to build airports. Especially in Kota which would be like the Los Angeles of Rajputana. Other than that there will be plenty of other initiatives to boost tourism like an multimillion dollar ad campaign done by O&M, shoot on sight order for anyone who misbehaves with tourist, honest and helpful cops (such a thing though entirely fictional now, will exist in Rajputana) etc. Plus there would be two more mega projects which would push tourist numbers through the roof. The first would be a nude beach, before you jump to any silly question like “You need a sea to have a beach” let me walk you through the example of Dubai which recently built an island and is now building a refrigerated beach What we just need is money which I told you we would be making mountainfuls of, we have all the sand and the sun (trust me about the sun), what we just need now is 10 Km by 10 Km indoor water pool, and enough water to keep it filled 365 days of year, minor issues if you ask me. Of course we would be getting a lot of rainfall too, more on that later. Second is a model village, no it is not those model villages where they try to show that the self sufficient village concept or the khadi concept or the Panchayat raj still works. It will be model village simply because it will have hundreds of super sexy models playing the village girls in it 24X7. 20 – 30 of them will always be cat walking in the fields or swinging in the swings hanging from the trees with the music “Banna re baag mae jhula padiyan” playing in the background. Another 20 – 30 will have the sole task from drawing water from well and then pouring it on themselves a la Yana Gupta in the movie Manorama (it’ll not be water of course and well’s pulley would be motorized. The rest of them will be doing odd chores around the village like cleaning an already vacuum cleaned floor or pulling out Rotis from Microwave Oven made to look like Angeethis and then serving it to guests. The men of course will have nothing to do except to twirl their moustache, smoke a Hukka or to cater to the women - ‘Dand Pelna’ and ‘Mugdar Pelna’.

Rajasthan Royals would be our national cricket team and that and Camel Racing would be our national games. Cactus’ flowers can be the national flower and the Crow will be our national bird. Tiger will be of course our National Animal. In case you are one of those environmentalists (read pussy) don’t worry we are very conservative about the environment. I understand there are only 1400 tigers left (I am not counting those 11 Bengal Tigers which are as good as finished by the time you would read this). We will do everything in our power to save and increase the number of tigers in Ranthambore ,and no by that we do not mean joining the ‘Save Tigers’ and ‘Stripey the Cub’ groups on Facebook. I mean actual work, like spreading of special Tiger Viagra Pills where tigers come to hunt and all night broadcast of Tiger Porn on huge screens (in a cage of course, we don’t want claw marks or holes in the screen) outside their dens, abolition of tiger board exams which lead to huge number of suicides of cubs and many other things. And we are going to only allow electric cars and camel carts to ply on the road. This way we can shift all the pollution from the cities to the villages where the power generation plants are located. Cool na? And for the Camel Cart thing, the same reason Victoria was allowed to run in Bombay and Stagecoaches still run in London, for a sense of History and pride. But standard pet rules apply (If your camel does it, you have to clean it).

And lastly the most important thing, what will help us in our economy and our national security. The Oil. Petroleum. The Black Gold! I know what you are thinking at this point. “What Oil buddy? This is Rajasthan not the Middle East. Two things here. First of all there are huge oil reserves here. They are just waiting to be found. In fact 500 million barrels have already been found. Refer to the Cairn report for details. And second thing, from now on if you even think of Rajputana as Rajasthan I will have you shot. Rajputs are known for both their Valor and Intolerance. Now, of course we will have friendly relations with India, not only because we share a lot of common history and culture but also I will send all their politicians on an all expense paid trip to Sin City here in Rajputana, with complimentary one million worth of chips to gamble and two prostitutes per night. (Tiwari jee, you got caught a little too early, imagine this). Cordial relations guaranteed.

And now about the other nation which shares boundaries with us. Which is famous of training terrorists and shipping weapon and fake currency notes into India. No, I’m not talking of Dongri-La. Tehalka though being the one of the most finest creations on celluloid is still, alas, only a movie. I am talking of the real country. We are gonna sell them cheaper oil than anyone else. If they attack us, simple, no more oil for them. They would know the great Rajput tradition of Johar (if they castle fell and the womenfolk thought they were about to be captured or worse, then they used to light up this huge bonfire in the middle of the castle. No you pervert, not to have on last great big orgy, but to commit suicide. And jump into it. We are going to do the same, in case somebody attacks us and we can’t repel them then we are going to self destruct the nuclear power plant in Rawatbhata. We are going to take down along with us, everything of value, the oil wells and the enemy that would have entered our boundaries. Ha! I know you would be scared now. But as the motto of Rajputana Rifles goes – “Veer Bhogya Vasundhara” (Nothing to do with our dynamic ex C.M. Vasundhara Raje, it means “Only the brave deserve the earth”)

I’m sure by now you realize that Utopia (Ram Rajya for the traditionalists) exists even if in just my imagination. As the great poet Anirudh Singh Chauhan said “Agar Utopia zami asto , ami asto , ami asto”. (If Utopia exists on earth, it is here, it is here). This is a call to the arms. A patriot must always be ready to defend his own country even against its government”. So say in one voice with me.

“Jai Rajputana”!

P.S. - Post Inspired by the B.C (Banal Conversation) between me and Akshat Govila, Ankit Khandelwala and Anuj Sharma in Kashmir.

The Great Indian Sale – 2

Jokes apart.

I think the most frightening thing is that our parents think that the most crucial decision they can make for us is to get us married well. Every decision, every yes, every no, every offer is leading up to this point. It’s like building up a resume, yes go to convent school; but no don’t go to another city,, you might have an affair marry someone of your choice and then repent; yes do the course in interior designing; yes do an MBA, but don’t think of becoming entrepreneur, study well, come first in class but become a teacher after that. For girls: yes learn Veena, but drums? Who wants a girl who pounds drums as a hobby? For guys: yes learn computers, but cookery classes? What is your wife going to do then?

The confusing thing for me that parents are ready to kill all our aspirations and dreams, to make us happy. I think it is basic human nature, people like to pin all the blame of their miseries in life to one bad decision. Why am I not earning much because I did B.Com when all my friends did B.Tech in IT, why my marriage in bad, because I worked till late. Why my son is spoilt? Because I let him go to Bangalore to study. Why my daughter is having an affair? Because I bought her a cell phone in 10th class. There are thousands of people who did the same thing and are doing better than you, but nobody wants to listen I guess.

Extrapolate this to marriage. I think parents attribute their life being good or bad upon whom did they marry. If they are happy they want their kids to exactly the same, if not, then the complete opposite. And the pressure to marry is insane. Marry marry marry!!

If this match is gone then what will happen? If you marry that girl then what will happen? The Jyotishi said that if you don’t marry this year then you won’t be able to marry for the next 3 years, then what will happen? Look at Anita aunty’s daughter, she is 28 and still not married, what if the same happens to you? I do not know what will happen but I am sure world will come to an end. Nobody ever died because he or she didn’t marry exactly when their parent asked them to. I fail to understand the urgency sometimes.

Though I like to think myself a Men Right Activist but in this case I think women got a raw deal. Not only are they asked to marry early (age wise) but they get the most restrictions put upon them. They need to be in the same city as their husband works, they will work or not depends on whether their husbands and in-laws will it or not. They need a clean character certificate, where the boys can get away with a lot of things.

But then the women are guilty of these things too. The most restrictive and the most demanding is the mother in law of the girl. And the mother before the marriage. If you think about it, there are no Mama’s girls, only Mama’s boys, but then there are plenty of daddy’s little girls. It is like womankind is taking revenge on the next generation women for the sins of the earlier generation, since prehistoric times. And whereas the men have been happy with hunting and sitting near the fire all this while.
I think enough of blaming the parents now. We don’t have our hands clean either.
The boys like their girl friends hot, wear short clothes, dresses up for them, giggles stupidly on their lame jokes. The least work the girl can do without them the more attractive they seem and the more they feel wanted. A girl who says she can’t cross the road or who gets afraid of the dark is actually a turn on for guys. Make all the jokes about dumb blondes. When it comes to getting guys, no smart brunette can ever beat them. But marriage is a whole different issue then. This is where the salwar kurta clad, 'sushil' girls get ahead. "She can knit, cook, was first in her class and never raises her eyes. Perfect! Let’s marry her!"

The girls on the other hand dig those bad biker types, who keep a stubble, have hair unkempt and grin like asses when they see them. Who get into fights when someone as little as looks at them, who break stuff, treat them like trash in evening and then apologize and threaten suicide in the night. Some might not believe me, but trust me, it works. But marry them?

"Ewwww… No way, my papa has seen guy for me, he lives in the US, owns two cars, and earns very well. So what if he is a bespectacled nerd who is losing hair? Who goes in for looks in her husband?"

As my friend just said today, society thrives on double standards. But maybe in my own distorted cynical way I am looking towards marriage in a wrong way, as a institution of love which got corrupted by society. Maybe marriage wasn’t that, ever, except in movies and romance novels. Maybe it was always about co-habitation and copulation. Just like in the animals. Whoever can best provide for my needs and especially to that of my kids will get to my husband. Everything else aside. Maybe that is what it is all about, providing, hedging your risk, going in for the known rather than the unknown, for the times tested than the uncertain. In short making the future secure in more ways than one.

Maybe the Great Indian Sale isn’t a sale at all. Maybe it is a race, a race for survival, a race for betterment of life; you feed and train your horse, find a good jockey, put all your money on it and **crack** down comes the whip!

P.S. – Pardon my cynicism, maybe I too got love to blame for it.

C'est la vie

They say that there are not three dimensions, but four. Time being the fourth one. Sometimes when you look back on your life gone by you can travel through time same way you can travel through space. Stay with it and you can relive your lifetime in that split second. All heartbreaks and cheers, laughter and tears. Impossible victories that were clinched and your destiny that slipped, life served sunny side up and loss served whipped. Your life is nothing more but a collection of those laughters and lines, euphoria and whines.

Sometimes the illusion comes, when you ask why this, why me, shouldn’t I have done things differently? When you look back you see the diversions in your destiny, like a pruned bonsai tree or forked lighting. But what you do not realize is that it’s an illusion, there are no choices, there is nothing but a straight line. If you had done something else, taken a different road then it wouldn’t have been you, it would have been someone else, asking a different set of questions.

When I am packing up things in my room I realize that it is not just stuff I am packing but a life. It is baggage both in the literal sense and figurative, and I need to decide what to carry with me and what to leave behind. Everything I own is a part of me, a part of who I wished to be. Cutting out anything is like leaving your life behind, but like all journeys, in life too, you can’t take everything with you. So the world that I am a part of, the world that I helped shape will end tomorrow and tomorrow a different world will rise, and what to keep and what not will be decided by the world and the man that I would be tomorrow. So without condoning or condemning I go through it. Because as they say ‘C'est la vie’ or such is life.

The Great Indian Sale - 1

No I’m talking about the annual sale of Big Bazaar and there ‘Sabsa Sasta Din’ and all. This is the sale which is always ongoing and the salesmen & women peddle their goods year around and sometime for years.

The goods are advertised everywhere, in newspapers, family gatherings, kitty parties, marriages especially and the now the new age tool – Internet. And everybody is busy to get the best deal. But the unique thing about this sale is that everyone who is selling something is also buying something, which someone is selling. Confused? Then read this –

“PQM invited for H’some IIT IIM boy wrkng in top US MNC 18 LPA N Mnglk seeking V B’ful fair slim homely decent girl from KKB family. Reply with BHP. M: 9988776655”

Maybe now you have an idea what I am talking. And don’t try to search the meanings of above abbreviations and acronyms in a dictionary, you won’t find them.

This my dear is the great Indian sale. Being Indians to the core we squeeze all the relevant information into as few words as possible to save on the newspaper matrimonial publishing cost. The relevant information in the case of Wanted Groom is his age, professional qualifications, current salary and employer. And maybe if these are not impressive enough then maybe something about his dad. All well earning and well qualified boys are handsome, fair, decent and from reputed family by default.

And in case of girls the relevant information is age, height, shape, complexion, working or non working and the most baffling concern of Indians - convent educated or not. Complexion in case of matrimonial ads for girls always lies in one of the three categories- wheatish, fair and very fair. Nobody is dark in India, at least a girl who is looking to get married. Where do the not so slim, or decent, or fair or non convent educated girls go to marry is no concern to anyone.

And before I forget, even if the boy is a PhD from MIT, working in NASA and they might be looking for “Modern, Convent Educated girl” but the horoscope has to be matched, and manglik and non manglik are matters of life and death, literally.

This takes care of the newspaper and Internet matrimonial ads. But the social marketing is most interesting, whether the sales pitch can go from subtle to hard sell in a minute. And the marketing could be teaser to price off limited time promotions.

From Moms of the girls inviting others to the kitty party to serve them ‘Gajar ka Halwa’ and “home made chocolates” which are made by ‘Sweety’ (when in actuality they are prepared by their maid and a factory in Switzerland respectively)

To Moms of boys dropping subtle hints like “Ye chocolates kha ke dekhiye, apna Rajeev London se leke aaya hai… Aajkal to wo UK aata jaata hee rehta hai na jab se Senior Vice President bana hai… Salary bhi badha ke 15 kar dee hai… Koi shauk nahi hai use bas Tennis khelne ka aur Chocolates khane ka”.

And the dads taking their sons/daughters fully decked to their far off cousin’s son’s marriage which they would have never bothered to attend if their sons/daughter’s weren’t of marriageable age.

India after probably having the largest number of engineers in the world is all set to become the country to have the largest no of MBAs, and why not? I think everybody is a Philip Kotler over here, not only do they know all marketing strategies and tactics like the back of their hand but can also see through them. In these sales everybody have their USPs, the boys are either well educated (a big deal in South India), or well earning (a big deal in whole of the world I guess), or from a well off business family, read rich (a big deal in Jains, Aggarwals etc) or from a reputed, socially well heeled families (a big deal in Rajputs). And the girls are either Very beautiful, Very fair, Slim and Smart, or Homely and Decent, or Topper in Post Graduation from Mathura University and if everything else fails then working in good company and at a good position.

Every matrimonial ads sounds like a RFP with points required in the quotation mentioned. While some points are negotiable but some points cannot be and non compliance in those can lead to rejection or worse ridicule and foul mouthing of the product and the organization (read the boy/girl and their family). So points like being non manglik, lesser height and age than the boy, educational background and previous relationship and marital status and income are sacrosanct points and undergo rigorous checks before a quotation is considered. But then every buyer is also a seller and they understand there is lot of latitude allowed in the words like beautiful, fair, handsome, top MNC, highly qualified etc. And some features like beauty and looks, weight and receding hairlines can be traded for fat pay cheques, big bank balances, living abroad, a huge dowry or the chance to join your father in law’s business. Some people are even one step ahead of the game and want their daughter in law to be to be a virgin and make it clear either subtly or explicitly, hell people even say that in newspaper ads. Having a known previous affair, broken engagement or divorce can seriously affect your brand equity.

And the best way to build brand equity is to be IIT + IIM graduate, work in an MNC, stay abroad and own a fancy roadster for guys. And for girls is to be very fair, ‘tv serial bahu’ looks, topper in your college but in useless courses like Home Science, interior design or fashion designing (you don’t wanna give your husband-to-be a complex), know how to cook, either don’t work or work in a job in which you are back by the time the kids are and lastly appear homely & domesticated and devoid of any ambition & personality.

All of the Indians know this and fine tune their product and marketing communications till the very end to achieve high brand equity and thus the highest price or the best product with their purchasing power. Everyone is shouting to attract the most buyers and sell their wares to the highest bidder. And what happens to the people who are peddled all over the market by their very own parents? I don’t know firsthand but when you have conversations like this when you go to someone’s house or any other meeting point to see someone I assume it can’t be good. –

Boy – Hi
(The girl looked so much fairer in the photograph, I bet it was photoshopped)

Girl – Hi
(This guy had more hair in the photograph; I bet it was 5 years old)

Boy – Ummm… I think your parents told you about me…
(What do I say to her as to not to sound a fool but then not totally tongue tied too?)

Girl – Yes, they did
(Yes you bloody fool, otherwise why would I be sitting here with you?)

Boy – Ok
(Quick think of something to say)

Girl – So you work in Citibank?

Boy – Yes, before that I was working in HDFC but then I didn’t like that job very much and my boss…
(Shit, why am I telling HER all this)

Girl – Oh okay…
(Why is he telling ME all this)

Boy – So you like Painting, uh?
(Ha, now the ball is in her court!)

Girl – Yes and also classical music.
(Wow, are you a psychic, how could you guess that? Let me think, because it’s written in my bio data you moron, why are you asking me what you already know?)

{Five minutes of uncomfortable silence when the boy tries to fight off the thought that how would she look without that Sari and the girl notices a microscopic stain in her Sari and curses everyone from the dry cleaner to their maid to the Gods in her head}

Girl – Would you like anything?
(Please god, was he looking at the stain? Please don’t tell me he saw it. Quick, try to distract him.)

Boy – No thanks. Would you?
(Damn, did she get to know what was I thinking, why is she giving me that look?)

Girl – No, I’m ok.

{Five more minutes of uncomfortable silence. Then the boy’s father calls him}

Boy – Yes dad? Coming. Uhh.. Ok bye. It was nice to meet you.
(Phew, saved by the bell. I think this girl is a retard. I think I should marry her only. At least she will keep her mouth shut)

Girl – Ya, bye. Same here.
(Phew, saved by the bell. I think this guy is a retard. I think I should marry him only. At least he will keep his mouth shut)

There are even MR agencies employed in this business. Ages before it was done by the Pandits and Naais (barbers) now it is done by nosy aunties and Matrimonial sites like Shaadi.com which promise to get you the ‘best deal’. And surprise surprise, most Indian marriages work. Unlike in US where they marry for love and more often than not the marriages ends up in divorce, here in India we marry for everything but, but still our marriages are rock solid. I think the most apt statement that explains them is one made by Sahni Saab (Vinod Nagpal) in the movie ‘Khosla ka Ghosla’ –

“Ye puura desh hee pehancho compromise pe chal raha hai!”


P.S. - Part 2 coming soon....