Idiot's guide to Living a fabulous life on Facebook

You, yes you. Are you an ugly geek with a knack of putting people of with your talk or are you a self righteous bitch with an eating disorder? Do you secretly hate, loathe and despise yourself and everyone around you. Do you don’t want seem to seen as a loser by the people around you? Do you want everyone to envy your pathetic life? Do you had all these problems and more and didn’t know who to ask. Don’t despair, help is here, following these simple advice even a good-for-nothing slob like you can make a few people jealous. You too can have a fabulous life that turns people green or at least on Facebook.

And the key to all this is Facebook. Yes Facebook the site where you logon once in a while to find that you have no notifications and to look at pictures of good looking girls/guys. If you don’t have a huge number of friends on FB already start adding people immediately, don’t worry about knowing them, with your social skills the names of all your friends could be very well written on a page that you had in front of you to doodle on a two hour long phone call. Plus your friends already know what kind of a fucktard you are, so don’t worry about them. The real meat is in the acquaintances, the people who know you but hardly know you. So keep adding everyone who you faintly recognize and pray that the other person is stupid enough to approve your request. The guy who sat in the bus near you once or the girl whom you lech at across your floor in the office are all green zones. After your circle of acquaintances is complete you go right along to Phase-2.

Now the task is to create an interesting persona. The days of “Hi sexy babes I want to be frands with you so add me” or “I’m a cute sweet girl who wants to be friends with all the smart and nice guys and gals” are over. Nor a picture of Hrithik Roshan or a little girl holding a flower will do as a profile pic. The picture has to be you, but again ‘you’ here is a very fluid concept here. You are butt ugly, not even you will like looking at yourself, and you know that you don’t have a good angle. So the trick is to show yourself without really showing yourself. For guys take a photo of yourself wearing a dark helmet sitting on a borrowed bike, girls take a photo of your bare leg with some jewellery on it or perhaps your hands with Mehandi on it. For girls the more skin the better it is, for guys the reverse is true. Do some R&D on what are the in books, movies and TV shows these days, here not being a complete moron certainly helps. Add books like Motorcycle Diaries or The Ferrari Years for guys and Grapes of Wrath and the Postman always Rings Twice for girls should do it, add a few TV shows like FRIENDS or HIMYM which everyone with half a brain can like and few movies like Black Swan, The Bicycle Thief, Lost in Translation which shows that only you have a good taste but you are also deep. The final touch is liking a number of senseless pages like Dunhill, Lamborghini and Johnnie Walker or Prada, Jimmy Choo and PETA depending on your gender. Now the foundation is laid. Time for Action!

The whole plan stems from basic human insecurity. Everyone thinks that everyone else has better looks, a better partner, a better job, a better car, all in all a better life. What do they say about green grass on the side? You know your life sucks but the others don’t and that’s what you have to do to them, show them how much fun you are having and what they are missing out on. And the key to it is regular status updates and uploading photos. You know that the five minutes in shower thinking about your old English teacher or stuffing your face with chocolate pastries is the high point of your day, but other don’t have to know that. For example, got drenched in the rain while coming back from office? Write: ”Had an awesome bike ride in the rain” as your status update. Met your classmates in the canteen after a weekend while cribbing over the same food for years? Write: Neha and Sonia it was so good seeing you after so long. And the Aaloo Puri, Yummm… Love you darlings”. The MD himself came down to jack you for being the biggest shit magnet in his company write: “Very busy day. Meeting with MD today”. Got drunk in the cheapest bar (Raj Lakshmi Bar) near you while making a fool of yourself? Write: Crazy night with friends. Beer at RLB Rocks!!” Stuck at home with nothing to do except to watch the 19^th Re-Run of Alice in Wonderland? Write: “Tim Burton you are a magician. Never have I seen such a ethereal combination.” Got dragged to a boring cultural program by your parents? Write: “Watched a great performance of Bharatnatyam in the Grand Auditorium, never realized India is so blessed with culture before tonight”

Cryptic or leading status messages are also welcome. Something like “All set to rock. Weekend here I come” works well even if you have nothing to look forward except doing your laundry on the weekend. And we all know how important relationships are for women so keep hinting towards your mystery man with status updates like “Missing you so much, wish you were here L ….” You don’t have to mention that you meant your dog.

Now comes the tricky part, the photos. You have to be regular uploading those but you still have to be aware of the quality or people will soon find out what a twat you really are. For guys the modus operandi is like this, first get off your lazy ass, go out, you don’t really have to do something, just pose for photos. Going out with a big group is always advisable, people’s tolerance for stupidity is high in a crowd, plus someone in the group will do something make sure to pose exactly like he did. Sit in the raft with the safety gear and get a photo and then get the hell out as you know you are scared shitless, can’t drink even a beer without puking guts all over the next guy? Shouldn’t stop you from posing with a beer. And remember always be ready to jump in front of the camera every time anyone is getting their picture taken regardless of whether they want you in or not. And if there are girls in that group it is Manna from heaven, make sure to be included in the girl’s group photos, nothing gets the envy quotient up like a seeing another guy with 8 girls around him. For overkill ask every girl one by one to have a photo with you, of course it is creepy but you have never had a chance with them anyway. Easier way would be to just happen to be around when she was getting her photo clicked and just slide in saying “Hey we don’t have a photo together, do we?” And then start grinning like an idiot looking towards the camera without waiting for her answer.  For women some part can even be done indoors, just hug or roll around with your friends or soft toys. Or get a makeover and then pose around your house in every angle you can think of, some guys who are even more desperate than you are going to praise it, then keep replying thanks to everyone personally even to the people who just clicked ‘like’, that’ll increase the number of comments making it top news. Go to the mall and hoard all your friend’s shopping bags and get a photo taken, make a caption “Day out in the mall with the girls, shopped till I drop”, even though all you bought was a bottle of cheap fairness cream. Pose around with every new dress or accessory that you bought and write “Gifted by a special someone ;-)”, which is not entirely untrue, you are special, even your teacher had the same opinion when she wanted to send you to special school. Remember when showing skin more is less, then get random  off topic discussion going on them so that they stay in news, even better is to put up with a caption “OMG I look so fat in this” then some idiot will say “No, not at all, you look fabulous sweetie”. I hope you get the drift.

Keep going like this and soon you would have won enough admirers to garner an iota of self-confidence and make your pitiful life a little better.But remember when in doubt don’t do it, or at least copy from someone else, not many people will know that “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt“ was by Mark Twain and not you. And be careful not to actually become friends with your friends of Facebook, because only "on the Internet nobody knows you are a dog".

And when all this works for you remember to send me some money, I’m bankrupt after my Pattaya Trip.

P.S. - Find more guides for Idiot's like you here - B Schoolers, Living among guys, Manipulate and abuse people 

Coming Soon - James Bong: The Spy Who Scrapped Me