The idiot's guide to be a feminist

 

Feminism is THE Fad right now, just like patriotism was in the 1999. Whatever you want to sell; be it cooking oil, deodorant or yourself, this is THE bandwagon you want to jump on.
So do you generally like females and want to put this liking into a moneymaker? Or you like boys instead but since the women have never harmed you, you want to help them out? Or since your friends are already against animal cruelty, gun violence, genetically modified crops and Hitler, you want to have your own topic where you can passionately berate the whole world for? Or you just an attention commercial sex worker (we do not use the word ‘whore’ now)? Then read right on because even if you thought till now that the glass ceiling is just the roof of a Greenhouse this blog will make you the uber feminist who can run circles around Angelina Jolie.

See the first thing you need is a Tumblr account for a blog, not Wordpress or Blogpost but Tumblr. It is the holy ground where all Feminists congregate, the last bastion of the pure world which is not polluted by misogynistic pigs with their catcalls, rape threats and acid attacks. Then you need a name for it, a name has to be something powerful which screams out that you will not take the oppression of the patriarchy anymore, in fact you will take the very thing they shamed you with and wear it proudly like a gilded armor. That is where the names like Menstruating Minstrel or Voluble Vulva come in. Or you can go with something panglossian like ‘Girl Boss’ or ‘Women on top of the whole wide world while everyone else is like way down’ as well. Of course something masculinist of this type would be totally absurd, for example Penis Soliloquy can only be an adult cartoon strip and a name like Speaking Scrotum would be just plain offensive.

Now that you have decided upon the name you need something to talk about. It has to be something everyone can relate to, so keep it an everyday topic and explain how it is actually a conspiracy of evil men. Something like: How using the word Friendzone propagates rape culture or how older relatives wanting hugs is equal to rape. Ok maybe not those two, since they are already taken. But there are plenty of topics out there, like how the name ball point pens is sexist and how feminists will call them ovary point pens henceforth. Or how the iOS development is funded by men because it only has Silent mode but no PMS mode. Or how the umbrella is made phallus like by men and a gender neutral umbrella would be perfectly horizontal when open. Perhaps you can quote specific instances of your life, for example the last time you saw a shitfaced girl in a bar and all her male friends asked her not to drive and take a taxi, which is incredibly patriarchal of them, to assume she will not be able to drive at night.

However just these opinions and point of views will not last a long time. So you have to support causes, causes can be anything related to women. One favorite cause of a group of feminists was to support Hillary Clinton, and she was to be supported because she was a woman. Anybody who objected to the point that supporting her just because she is a woman is actually sexism was straightway termed misogynist, anti-feminist and a woman enslaver. That was a fun group, more power to them! Then there causes like giving higher stars to Sushmita Sen movies on IMDB because she is a strong independent woman and needs encouragement. Or asking for equal representations in colleges and workforce and protesting every institution which does not have 50% women. However care has to be taken so as not be grouped with people asking for OBC reservation in colleges or SC/ST reservations in private jobs, because those people are stupid, casteist and do not understand that these positions should be filled with merit as they currently are. You can also twist innocent statements into anti-women messages: Movie star thanked his father in the award speech? Why? He doesn’t love his mother more who gave him birth? Must be anti-woman. On asking for opinion a guy says that his girlfriend’s hair is too short? Round up the posse and get that girl to break up from that guy at once, because he is a control freak who is body shaming his girlfriend and taking away her control over her own body. You can go on and on like that

And then you have your basic outrage, the meat and potatoes of every true feminist. Feminists are supposed to vociferous about any crime committed against women. All rapists, child molesters, abusive husbands and boyfriends, dowry harassers should be skinned alive, their genitals cut and fried in a pan, then torn limb to limb and their insides left to rot in the open. Because these people do not belong to a civilized society like ours and have no humanity in them. Lesser crimes than these against women should at least carry the death penalty to act as a deterrent to men and push them to commit more benign crimes like murder. Spend some time on smaller outrages as well, like sharing photo of guys on social media accused of catcalling or molesting without any fact checking. Applauding women who beat the men who were harassing them because violence from women on men is totally ok and not double standards at all. Another good example is sharing photos with the message “This man/woman was seen carrying this baby but the baby does not look like his/hers”, don’t worry about the moral implication, judging someone based on their looks or clothes is totally ok till it the look is without makeup and the clothes are not fashionable. Brand anyone asking questions about a woman’s allegation as performing moral policing or victim blaming. The list is long but you’ll soon get the hang of it.

Finally it is the positivity messages and a show of how proud you are to be a woman, which is nothing like being proud of something else you are just born with. So you gotta post all your photos on with captions like ‘Girl power’, ‘Woman on top’, ‘Girl boss’ or ‘Proud to be a mother/sister/daughter’. And keep a lookout for those groups of guys having ‘Cool Boys’ stickers on their cars or stuff like that, because those men were not raised right by their parents.

Keep going like that and soon you’ll be a feminist with a capital F, a celebrity and a well respected member of the society, life of every party and envy of all your friends. Your Tumblr hits and reblogs will be in millions, people will queue outside your door to know your opinion about what to do with armpit hair, what movies to see, which words to use and how to raise their kids right. All by just following the above easy five points! You are welcome!
 

P.S. – As the above text suggest I am not a feminist. However I am also not a sexist. I believe in equal opportunities for everyone and in everything. Feminism must be about equal opportunities and not woman first, keep it sensible. And watch out for fakers.

The Great Annual Appraisal !

Ok this part is true – File this in the non-fiction shelf.

My company’s campus is such that it is some distance from the main gate to the building where we all work (700 meters to be precise). And it’s uphill. And our company through its green initiative or some other HR shit decided to keep bicycles at the gate which employees can take from the gate to the main building.

But the problem is, as I mentioned before, that it is some distance and it is uphill. So much that lazy fat bastards like me can’t cycle till there without their life flashing before their eyes. And most people are like me in my company, they wanna whiz on the cycles downhill, but not the other way around. So this creates a serious logistics issue; that all the cycles are piled up downhill with no one to take them up, and people waiting up for the cycles which never reach them. So my caring company has devised a solution, we have one guard whose job is to take cycles from the gate to the building. That’s what he does all day, he starts at around 11 and ships cycles to the building stand, by riding one and holding one in the other hand and deposits them uphill so that employees coming out of the building in the evening can ride them down with ease and get the hell out a tad faster. That what that guy’s job is – he is a transporter of the non gun-wielding, Asian-girl-kissing, getting-into-car-chases variety; he transports cycles from A to B.
So once I and a couple of my friends saw this and joked about it asking how would this guy’s JD read like, I remarked “Even worse is what will this guy fill in his annual appraisal form?”. Well if this guy was any smart and his hiring manager even smarter here is what both of them read like –

(Fiction starts here)

JD –

Job Description – XYZ Security Solutions Ltd
Title: Security & Transport Executive
Reports to: Account Security Head
Based at: Client Location.

Job purpose:

To plan and carry out direct logistics activities, so as to maintain and enhance client employees transportation requirement in accordance with agreed business plans. The applicant must be energetic, self-motivated, fit and possessing high resistance to environmental factors.

Key responsibilities and accountability:

1.    Develop and actionize a lean and efficient customer transport mechanism.
2.    Reduce travel time and augment client employee productivity and morale.
3.    Enhance equipment utilization and optimize client’s business resources.
4.    Continuously access client’s conveyance requirements and suggest process improvements.
5.    Monitor and report on activities and provide relevant management information.
6.    Carry out primary research and develop queuing time charts and processing timings during peak load.
7.    Maintain and report on equipment suitability.
8.    Liaise and attend meetings with other company functions necessary to perform duties and aid business and organizational development.
9.    Provide security detail and administer client infrastructure during ad-hoc requirement.
10.    Attend training and to develop relevant knowledge and skills.

Performance appraisal form -

A1.  State your understanding of your main duties and responsibilities.
Shaab Ji, as per my understanding my main role is to ensure the following:-
a)    The usual time taken by the employees to travel from the campus gate to main gate is 5 minutes. With my process innovation, intervention and improvisation this should ideally come down to 2 minutes. This would mean a 60% efficiency improvement. This way the HR could actually enforce a 9:18 hours per day policy. 3 minutes/day for 4000 employees could mean 4000 man hours in a month. Calculate your client charge yourself now, will ya!

b)    One of the major challenges for an IT company is employee retention or churn rate. With our innovation, we provide an alternative to the pretty girls to leverage the tool being discussed here, instead of walking that wicked mile in scorching heat. Less exposure to heat ensures that they remain pretty for longer period of times (even longer than the employees working on SAP support projects), which keeps intact the only motivation for guys to stay in this company. This also ensures higher client presentability employee ratio and doesn’t hurt the already low self-esteem of female employees.

c)    The pretty girl, the only hope of survival for guys in a high bench environment, should not be allowed to walk that wicked half mile under the sun. This has multiple side effects such as high attrition (guys leaving the company due to lack of good looking girls), reduced client presentability and low self-esteem of girls. Their health is least of our concerns here.

d)    As I have noticed during the last few days, approximately a total of 17% of your total employee strength comes to the main gate in between 1:30 PM – 2:30 PM. These are the guys who prefer to suck up to a cigarette instead of their manager’s ass. These guys have the lung capacity of a 3 months old new born. Keeping in mind, company’s policy of retaining maximum percentage of their employees, I think my process improvement has a role to play here. As we all know, a guy in a cemetery can’t exactly be classified as a retained employee.

A2 Discussion points:

1. Has the past year been good/bad/satisfactory or otherwise for you, and why?
•    Sir, with all due respect to your company, if my last year had been any close to being even remotely satisfactory I wouldn’t have applied here. Although I cleared the interview round for the position on a Functional consultant in your company, I think I’d be able to add more value to company with this ‘transporter’ job instead.

2. What do you consider to be your most important achievements of the past year?

•    Last year, as part of an _______________ week, I designed a new age peddle powered transportation mechanism, henceforth known as iBike. The iBike is specially designed for the upper echelons of management pyramid. It has multifold benefits:-
a.)  The cupping mechanism provides 1 year live support for the no-balls.
b.)   The highly sensitive touch provides a much smoother ass for the lower management employees to kiss on.
c.)   Within the same tyre circumference, I managed to accomplish a 100% increase in spoke count which would   reduce the travel time to 50% when double the effort is exerted. Go figure! (Please find attached, relevant calculation in Appendix X, find X).
d.)   I also developed an iPhone app called ‘IPL Systematic traffic eXaminer (iSex), which predicts the traffic based on Live IPL Scores. This app takes direct feed from ‘IPL Fans’ app and predicts the movement of personnel during Strategic Time-out.

3. What do you like and dislike about working for this organization?

•    I like your guts to ask this fucked up question. OK, let me still reply to that! What I like about your organization is the set of HR rules that have made the life of every employee a living hell, which gives me sadistic pleasure and a realization, that Shit Happens. What I dislike about the organization, is…..eh..  You.

4. What elements of your job do you find most difficult?

•    Using substandard equipment for development activities. (Riding punctured cycles). Also, Support team is substandard and consistently misses their SLA by not maintaining tyre pressure at 5.8 NPM (Newton per meter). I will not tolerate this kind of lackadaisical approach in high visibility and high impact jobs.
5. What elements of your job interest you the most, and least?

•    The most interesting element of my job to is to modify the cycle-seat configuration and watch girls struggle with it. Cracks me up. The only problem is that I need to raise an AHD request before I could do so.

•    The least interesting element is that, I don’t foresee a scenario where someone would come up to me, hug me and say “you do a wonderful job out here”.  Yesterday, I raised a ServCentrale for this and got a reply “ YOU ARE NOT ELIGIBLE FOR APPRECIATION”

6. What do you consider to be your most important aims and tasks in the next year?

•    I would like to see myself as Senior Associate Transport Manager within a year.

•    Going forward I would also like to see myself holding additional responsibility of personally handling the transport requirements of structurally fragile, aesthetically desired, non Y chromosome carrier. (a.k.a Maal Ladkiya)

7. What action could be taken to improve your performance in your current position by you, and your boss?

•    To start with you can provide me with a FUCKIN’ chair to sit down, damn it.

•    I would like to develop an iPhone app, which would be termed as ‘iBike’, for predicting traffic at various points in campus for utilization of transportation equipment. This would also help in enhancing the Social networking through the effective use of ‘Spot the ass’ algorithm.

8. What sort of training/experiences would benefit you in the next year? Not just job-skills - also your natural strengths and personal passions you'd like to develop - you and your work can benefit from these.

•    Sleeping is both my strength and personal passion. So, unless you are willing to add a couple of extra beds in the dormitory don’t get me started on this.


P.S. - The credit for writing the Appraisal form goes to Bechara Bandhu (Tweets here and blogs here)

(P.P.S. - Special Recommendation - Read the letter to Shiv Ji, his sole saving grace :-P)

Taking over an IT company and other bad ideas

I am an honest, god fearing, true to my word, sincere in my work terrorist. I love my wives and children, I help old women cross the road and I spare some change for the beggar on the street. I am telling you all this so that you take my advice seriously and realize that I only have your best interest in my mind.

I have done some stupid things in my life, my third son from my second wife (she was not my wife then) is right on top of the list; I have watched Tashan first day, first show; have bought a Macbook Pro and have tried to race a Haryana Roadways bus (that’s why I limp and my Wagon R is no more). But all these don’t even come close to my biggest blunder in life; taking over an IT company and holding its employees hostage.

It was a Friday afternoon when after months of planning, recruiting people, arranging the weapons, getting an approval from the agency, services and our high command we finally decided that today is the day. I had spent months on researching the potential target and I had realized that Rashtrapati Bhavan was too difficult, no one actually came to the campus of BHU, crowded markets in Bombay and Delhi were done to death, and that it was an IT company that was the perfect target. Being an IT savvy terrorist myself I had done my research on them; tens of thousands of people came to them every day, they were mostly located outside the city, generated a lot of foreign currency so were the darling of the government and were full of meek IT geeks. They had a strenuous security procedure though, people were frisked, the luggage was scanned, and the cars were checked so it had the right mix of ease and difficulty. But most of all I wanted to be different, no one had done it before and I wanted to get noticed and rise up the ranks.

We loaded the guns, bombs, walkie-talkies and ourselves into two Qualis (stolen from some company which provided cabs to that IT company only) and stormed the campus. After firing a few rounds in the air, pushing the employees in the buildings and rounding up the security guards we were all set. The so called security guards were so terrified after seeing guns that they nearly crapped in their pants, only one of had seen a gun before that too in the Indo Pak war after which he had retired, the rest of the boys had only been trained to lookout for missing ID cards and pen drives. In fact all this seemed easier than writing a novel these days (the thin, big font, 100 bucks a piece ones I mean, ‘metro reads’ I read somewhere; they are called).

But then the gloom started setting in. Even after a quick glance I had realized that there were a lot of people un-accounted for, at least 5000 less than our estimate after we counted. “It is Friday and most people have left for their home towns after lunch” said the man in charge of the campus after I slapped him twice and demanded an explanation. Now it was only 2 o’ clock and not even the Sarkari Babus go home this early, this was beginning to look bad. Then came the first distress call of the day from one of my colleague who was sent to manage some hostages in a building. 

He was a newbie and already seemed to be in tears. Over sobs he told me that the people in his building are not terrorized, in fact some of them have not even realized that they were hostages. I quickly rushed to his building, the last thing we needed was somebody playing John McClane. But the situation was something else, I realized, after entering the lobby, people were not rebellious, they were just sleeping and too morose to care for anything else. After shouting terrorist, you are taken over, bomb, I will shoot you, hands up at the top of my voice I finally resorted to firing in the air, after the deafening sound of bullets was through the most it did was one guy opened his one eye, looked at us, then looked at his watch, asked the guy next to him that “do we have a call now?” and went back to sleep. This was embarrassing to say the least. I have successfully blown up buildings, armed force’s jeeps and tortured a traitor to death but this scenario looked very bleak. Admitting defeat I asked my colleague to lock this building and leave them to themselves.

As soon I was exiting the building I heard gun shots coming from the neighboring building. While I am all for teaching people’s manners, shooting a lot of people wasn’t in my to-do list for today. It reduces your ability to negotiate with the police. As I rushed to that building I saw another colleague of mine shooting a mass of people sitting on their chairs, unarmed. After I snatched the gun from his hands and reprimanded him in the harshest words he said, he saw them making some move, as if their trying to draw some weapon. After the screaming and hysteria had subsided I also noticed the same thing, their hands twitched every 5 minutes as if they are trying to draw a knife or something. After frisking and finding nothing on 9 people, I leveled with the 10^th guy and asked him what it was. He said it was an involuntary habit of moving the mouse every 5 minutes to stay ‘Green’ on the office communicator and all they are doing is mentally clicking a mouse. I was further alarmed when somebody suggested bringing a cake for their recently dead team-mates. This was looking worse than my village cage where they kept all the crazies locked.

I had finally come back to the main building and was thinking of how to negotiate with the police when one lady approached me and asked for my email id, she said she was an HR manager and wanted to mail me a list of demands from the employees. When I asked them to state them verbally to me she asked one young guy to come with a notepad and asked him to note the minutes of the meeting. Firstly she asked that they few of the employees wanted to be tied to more comfortable chairs. Second one stray bullet had shattered a glass and AC cooling was going to waste, this building was losing points in the ‘go green’ challenge. Thirdly the restroom was running low on liquid soap and wanted that to be refilled. Fourthly if the hostage situation continued till tomorrow they wanted a written approval from their managers for a ‘comp off’. Fifth, the coffee machine was not working so they either wanted to be moved to a floor where it worked or wanted a working coffee machine brought here And lastly and most importantly she thought that employee morale was running low so she should be allowed to send a mail with some quotes and a 'face painting' contest with a chance to win a pack of 8 crayons. I think the last point that kid wrote down was “If you don’t shut up and sit down I am going to shoot you and the guy left to you, just for the heck of it”. This was getting intolerable.

As I just sat down I head another SOS from my colleague. What I witnessed as I hastened to his post was absolute pandemonium. People were running amok; trying to login to their machines, checking their Blackberrys and even the threat of shooting them down was doing nothing. Finally I caught one guy running like crazy and I could get only two words out of him - ‘Client Escalation’. They looked more scared than my suicide bombing instructor who realized we had switched his demo kit with a real explosives belt as an April 1^st prank. One engineer came up to me and clearly told me that he would prefer getting shot in the head than risking another client escalation, especially now when the annual appraisal was due. Frantically I searched for his project manager who he mentioned had the name  Sathya and even after going through the name on ID cards of the entire floor I was unable to find him. Finally I mixed my yell with a few bullets in the air and demanded Sathya to come forward. Three people came forward but only one of them looked old enough to be a manager. His name was Sathyadhiran Srinivasulu Mucherla Laxman, no wonder I was not able to find him! I asked him to tell all his sub –ordinates to get off from their computers, go to one corner of the building and be in total silence. He responded by saying that he wanted an requirement document detailing which corner of the building he was supposed to go to, what was the SLA of total silence and number of man hours given to him for the job. I was too flabbergasted to say anything and sheepishly excused myself out of the situation.

I went back to the center building again. The police had come by this time and wanted to negotiate. I said ‘Hello’ in my most terrorizing voice to the inspector. ‘Cheppandi Anna’ came the reply. I repeated in Hindi. ‘Enti ‘ was the reply this time. I tried 3 other languages but no avail. I needed a translator. I caught hold of a Reddy from the crowd and asked him to translate. “Talk-a?” he asked, “to the police-a” while moving his hand with his thumb out which meant ‘fuck’ in my part of the world. He then flat out refused after I said yes; he said it was the onsite people’s job to talk to the client and translate the requirements, he always the got the final document. Also, this was not a part of his current allocation and hence would require the approval of his team lead, Project manager, Development track lead and Offshore Delivery head. When I insisted that this is not required he suggested me to log my demands in a tracker and mail it to the police while keeping my manager in CC, he even volunteered to give me the latest template for the tracker. This was pathetic. Not only was I feeling like a ring master, trying to juggle 5 balls on a unicycle. But I was also not able to tell the police that I wanted my three colleagues freed, 1 Crore rupees and a chopper brought to me. This day was getting worse than when my iPod had crashed, that too before a 10 day hike from Kabul to Waziristan.

But the straw or rather the pillar that broke my back was when I thought I would check in with my team till they mulled the issue over outside. Alpha 1, who was in charge of the recreational center was not replying. Fearing the worst, that Indian government has finally learned its lesson and has sent the cavalry in, I rushed to his post. But what I saw were beyond my wildest dreams. Abdullah the 6’6” Pathan from Kabul was found merrying in the Jacuzzi, his 2^nd in command was taking a Sauna, while the rest of his unit was either in the pool or playing foosball. To the people who had seen nothing donkey turds and each other for months at a stretch it seemed like someone had torn open the gates of heaven. One of his guys was even making a deal with an employee, in exchange for referring him he would tell him how to get into US without a H1 – B.

At this point I broke down and started sobbing. I had taken the sandstorms of Afghanistan, the blizzards of Siachen, torture of US Marines and nagging of Kherunissa (my 1^st wife) but this was beyond all that. As all my dreams of a promotion, Interpol red corner notice, Al-Jazeera exclusive videos , hot virgins in heaven and finally be able to afford an iPad2 came crashing down as I realized couldn’t go any further and I walked out and surrendered myself. Anything would be better than this.

Now I as pass my days in an Indian prison and enjoy the VIP treatment alongside that new kid Kasab, I have nothing to do but ponder over my past actions and I always reach the same conclusion. Don’t take over an IT company!

Idiot's guide to Living a fabulous life on Facebook

You, yes you. Are you an ugly geek with a knack of putting people of with your talk or are you a self righteous bitch with an eating disorder? Do you secretly hate, loathe and despise yourself and everyone around you. Do you don’t want seem to seen as a loser by the people around you? Do you want everyone to envy your pathetic life? Do you had all these problems and more and didn’t know who to ask. Don’t despair, help is here, following these simple advice even a good-for-nothing slob like you can make a few people jealous. You too can have a fabulous life that turns people green or at least on Facebook.

And the key to all this is Facebook. Yes Facebook the site where you logon once in a while to find that you have no notifications and to look at pictures of good looking girls/guys. If you don’t have a huge number of friends on FB already start adding people immediately, don’t worry about knowing them, with your social skills the names of all your friends could be very well written on a page that you had in front of you to doodle on a two hour long phone call. Plus your friends already know what kind of a fucktard you are, so don’t worry about them. The real meat is in the acquaintances, the people who know you but hardly know you. So keep adding everyone who you faintly recognize and pray that the other person is stupid enough to approve your request. The guy who sat in the bus near you once or the girl whom you lech at across your floor in the office are all green zones. After your circle of acquaintances is complete you go right along to Phase-2.

Now the task is to create an interesting persona. The days of “Hi sexy babes I want to be frands with you so add me” or “I’m a cute sweet girl who wants to be friends with all the smart and nice guys and gals” are over. Nor a picture of Hrithik Roshan or a little girl holding a flower will do as a profile pic. The picture has to be you, but again ‘you’ here is a very fluid concept here. You are butt ugly, not even you will like looking at yourself, and you know that you don’t have a good angle. So the trick is to show yourself without really showing yourself. For guys take a photo of yourself wearing a dark helmet sitting on a borrowed bike, girls take a photo of your bare leg with some jewellery on it or perhaps your hands with Mehandi on it. For girls the more skin the better it is, for guys the reverse is true. Do some R&D on what are the in books, movies and TV shows these days, here not being a complete moron certainly helps. Add books like Motorcycle Diaries or The Ferrari Years for guys and Grapes of Wrath and the Postman always Rings Twice for girls should do it, add a few TV shows like FRIENDS or HIMYM which everyone with half a brain can like and few movies like Black Swan, The Bicycle Thief, Lost in Translation which shows that only you have a good taste but you are also deep. The final touch is liking a number of senseless pages like Dunhill, Lamborghini and Johnnie Walker or Prada, Jimmy Choo and PETA depending on your gender. Now the foundation is laid. Time for Action!

The whole plan stems from basic human insecurity. Everyone thinks that everyone else has better looks, a better partner, a better job, a better car, all in all a better life. What do they say about green grass on the side? You know your life sucks but the others don’t and that’s what you have to do to them, show them how much fun you are having and what they are missing out on. And the key to it is regular status updates and uploading photos. You know that the five minutes in shower thinking about your old English teacher or stuffing your face with chocolate pastries is the high point of your day, but other don’t have to know that. For example, got drenched in the rain while coming back from office? Write: ”Had an awesome bike ride in the rain” as your status update. Met your classmates in the canteen after a weekend while cribbing over the same food for years? Write: Neha and Sonia it was so good seeing you after so long. And the Aaloo Puri, Yummm… Love you darlings”. The MD himself came down to jack you for being the biggest shit magnet in his company write: “Very busy day. Meeting with MD today”. Got drunk in the cheapest bar (Raj Lakshmi Bar) near you while making a fool of yourself? Write: Crazy night with friends. Beer at RLB Rocks!!” Stuck at home with nothing to do except to watch the 19^th Re-Run of Alice in Wonderland? Write: “Tim Burton you are a magician. Never have I seen such a ethereal combination.” Got dragged to a boring cultural program by your parents? Write: “Watched a great performance of Bharatnatyam in the Grand Auditorium, never realized India is so blessed with culture before tonight”

Cryptic or leading status messages are also welcome. Something like “All set to rock. Weekend here I come” works well even if you have nothing to look forward except doing your laundry on the weekend. And we all know how important relationships are for women so keep hinting towards your mystery man with status updates like “Missing you so much, wish you were here L ….” You don’t have to mention that you meant your dog.

Now comes the tricky part, the photos. You have to be regular uploading those but you still have to be aware of the quality or people will soon find out what a twat you really are. For guys the modus operandi is like this, first get off your lazy ass, go out, you don’t really have to do something, just pose for photos. Going out with a big group is always advisable, people’s tolerance for stupidity is high in a crowd, plus someone in the group will do something make sure to pose exactly like he did. Sit in the raft with the safety gear and get a photo and then get the hell out as you know you are scared shitless, can’t drink even a beer without puking guts all over the next guy? Shouldn’t stop you from posing with a beer. And remember always be ready to jump in front of the camera every time anyone is getting their picture taken regardless of whether they want you in or not. And if there are girls in that group it is Manna from heaven, make sure to be included in the girl’s group photos, nothing gets the envy quotient up like a seeing another guy with 8 girls around him. For overkill ask every girl one by one to have a photo with you, of course it is creepy but you have never had a chance with them anyway. Easier way would be to just happen to be around when she was getting her photo clicked and just slide in saying “Hey we don’t have a photo together, do we?” And then start grinning like an idiot looking towards the camera without waiting for her answer.  For women some part can even be done indoors, just hug or roll around with your friends or soft toys. Or get a makeover and then pose around your house in every angle you can think of, some guys who are even more desperate than you are going to praise it, then keep replying thanks to everyone personally even to the people who just clicked ‘like’, that’ll increase the number of comments making it top news. Go to the mall and hoard all your friend’s shopping bags and get a photo taken, make a caption “Day out in the mall with the girls, shopped till I drop”, even though all you bought was a bottle of cheap fairness cream. Pose around with every new dress or accessory that you bought and write “Gifted by a special someone ;-)”, which is not entirely untrue, you are special, even your teacher had the same opinion when she wanted to send you to special school. Remember when showing skin more is less, then get random  off topic discussion going on them so that they stay in news, even better is to put up with a caption “OMG I look so fat in this” then some idiot will say “No, not at all, you look fabulous sweetie”. I hope you get the drift.

Keep going like this and soon you would have won enough admirers to garner an iota of self-confidence and make your pitiful life a little better.But remember when in doubt don’t do it, or at least copy from someone else, not many people will know that “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt“ was by Mark Twain and not you. And be careful not to actually become friends with your friends of Facebook, because only "on the Internet nobody knows you are a dog".

And when all this works for you remember to send me some money, I’m bankrupt after my Pattaya Trip.

P.S. - Find more guides for Idiot's like you here - B Schoolers, Living among guys, Manipulate and abuse people 

Coming Soon - James Bong: The Spy Who Scrapped Me