Rape

I was looking for something else as the title of this post; this was a little too blunt for my taste. But I realized that this thing has already been swept under the carpet too much, about time we started talking about it in a matter-of fact way.

In India there are 270 rapes every day, only 20% of these cases are reported, and in only 20 % of these cases the accused is convicted.

1 out of every 6 woman in India has been a victim of some form of sexual crime or molestation. So if you know 60 women most likely 10 of them will be either raped (attempted or otherwise) or at least some other type of sexual crime committed towards them. And if I start including indecent suggestions (not counting the normal eve-teasing that virtually every girl undergoes), groping, boyfriends forcing themselves over their girlfriends, date rapes or at least something more than a request for a sex on a date then I think everybody must know someone that has undergone this ordeal.

In case you are thinking that you only know of a certain social strata that are above this, then think again. I think are rapists are the most liberal of all people, they don’t discriminate among class, age, colour, urban/rural or even looks for that matter. Though of course the most risky group is 18-30 but women from 6 months to 60 years have been raped and are being raped.
And don’t think that women above a certain class are immune. I can off hand tell about Hollywood celebrities like Tori Amos, Kelly McGillis (female lead in Top Gun) who have been brutally raped. But I think what they are most vulnerable are other forms of sexual crimes such as date rapes, boyfriend forcing themselves over them, molestation or attempted molestation when drunk/doped, physical assault for refusing sex. Though most reasons for them not reporting it to anyone is the common with all women across social strata but two other reason also come into play with them, first the boys they hang out or go out have powerful dads themselves who will save their hide, secondly they are worried about their family’s name which commands some respect, add to this social taboo about women drinking/doping, going out alone with guys, or any other type of non-socially acceptable behaviour and it makes reporting for them virtually impossible. They are even afraid to tell it to their parents.

So as I said you must know someone who underwent this and someone who committed this. I sure as hell do.

In my long 4 years in Bangalore I have seen a lot of ugly things. And I mean it when I say it, really ugly. I have seen glimpse of the dark underbelly of the city, and when you see it once, you can never Unsee it. But the things that made me the most sick in the stomach are things done to girls.

A girl I knew was brutally beaten on the eve of her birthday when she refused the demand for sex by one of my senior. And I am not talking one or two slaps or manhandling, she was beaten so mercilessly that her face bled from 4 different places. And Why? Because she had a reputation that she sleeps around. Yes she was drunk, she does drink a lot. Yes she came in the house of her friends to ask for grass. But no, she was not looking to get raped, or beaten or even have sex with anyone, and you know what was the response of my senior? “Saali sabko deti hai Sir, bus humi se bakchodi kar rahee thee”. And what was the response of his friends when they came in and saw this, they shouted at the guy, sent him home and took the girl back to her hostel.

One girl who came to my friend’s house after meeting him in a disc. The girl was from North-East or as we say she was a Chinky, and the common perception is that chinkys are easy. When she refused to go further than kissing she was beaten, stripped and was ejaculated on her face by the guy. The guy’s statement to her was “Behan kee lodi jab chudana nahi tha to mere saath aayi kyun?” His junior who tried to intervene was beaten by the guy. When others came in and saw what happened they sent the girl home. And the junior who tried to intervene was told “Abey tu Sunny Deol hai jo har ladki ko bachaaega? Agli baar kisi senior ke kaam mae taang mat adana!”

This same guy used to beat his girlfriend, when I saw this the first time I ran to my brother and said that this guy was hitting his girlfriend, he replied “Tu chor na, inka to roz ka kaam hai”. And when I was talking to his girlfriend she once said”Haan A****** ka gussa bada kharaab hai, par wo mujhse bahut pyaar karta hai”. I felt sick in the stomach.

And yes that guy I talked about before this; he used to hit his girlfriend too. And she used to hit him back. How much she felt that was fair I will never know. Once they started slapping each other in full public view outside a famous discotheque in Bangalore. When other people tried to intervene her friend said “They are going around, please mind your own business”. And yes they are about to marry each other in a few months. Why some girls accept this is a matter of a whole another post.

And this one girl I knew was taken to taken to a secluded area in the campus and was asked to give a blowjob by her ‘friend’. Though she ran away but she didn’t bother to complain about him or at least confront him. Her exact words were "He had too much weed to smoke last night, he did not know what he was doing, otherwise he is a very sweet guy”.

I have even worse stories than this; like about a girl who was stripped, groped and kissed forcibly and then turned out of the house. When the cops saw her on the road like that with clothes torn, and missing footwear what they did was to take the girl back to the house of the guy who did this to her, verbally reprimanded him and asked him to drop the girl back to her hostel in the morning.

Or about this girl who I chatted with on a internet chat board where we used to Discuss about Goth/Emo subculture and Music. She after sometime revealed that she was gang raped by 3 guys who she used to ‘hang out’ with. And she was convinced that it was her fault, that she provoked them by dressing like that. She no longer dressed in a Goth/Emo fashion and had cut her hair short. She no longer wanted to start a gothic rock band and had stopped writing songs. But this was not what made me sick. It was her conviction that she had provoked those three guys, which I assume other people had convinced her about. They would have said “Well, if you dress like a punk, wear heavy eye liner, wear revealing clothes and drink then you deserve to get raped. You had it coming.”

I am sure there are more unnerving stories out there but why I mentioned them was because in most cases the perpetrator was no criminal who jumped on them from the shadows but someone they knew and trusted at some level. And in nearly all cases everyone was convinced that the girl had it coming or she provoked it at least. And in one case she believed it herself.

A few months I was having a conversation with my friend and he said "Boss if a girl was wearing revealing clothes and going on a street then something will happen to her, it’s her fault." When I objected he said “Saale koi sexy ladki sadak pe chote kapde pehan ke ja rahi hogi to use tu dekhega nahi?” Yes I will, I might even ogle at her but that doesn’t mean I am instigated to rape her. Ask any girl and she will tell you that clothes, looks etc doesn’t matter. Eve teasers don’t discriminate. In fact I have the view that if you are walking confidently with a spaghetti top and a short skirt clothes and have a determined look then you are safer than walking in a full sleeved Salwar Kurta if you look timid, lost and afraid. Eve teasers are bullies. And the basic fact of bullying applies; if you look afraid then you will be bullied even more.

But all things withstanding rape/ molestation/eve teasing is a crime. And like all crimes you can take some precautions to be safer. There is no surety; people were raped when they were sleeping in their homes with their family in very safe neighbourhoods. But at least you can try.

And No, I am not saying that girls shouldn’t drink, never go out with boys, always wear a burka, should be martial arts expert or anything like what most people preach. And mind you, this mindset is not only of guys but girls as well.

But still as I said to someone if I am walking alone on a deserted road at 3 o clock in the night, drunk and wearing a flashy watch then I will get mugged sooner or later. And If I have to be stupid if I said why did it happen to me? Yes I did not ask to get mugged, it’s not fair to me. But then it’s not a fair world.

Firstly don’t get drunk/stoned out of your head in a place where there is no one to take care of you. And when I say that I mean your girl friends, a huge group of close friends, your boy friend whom you have been going out with for some time etc.

Leave when the crowd in getting rowdy or people are getting very drunk. It’s not a good idea to drink alone in a guys’ house even if you know them or no matter how harmless you think they will be. People change when they are high.

Be wary of how will you travel? Don’t be on a mercy of someone to drop you or under the impression that you will get some conveyance.

Walk confidently on the road, don’t look lost even if you are, don’t keep your eyes down and walk
like a frightened kitten. Girls walk out of clubs and discs wearing far more revealing clothing and nobody dares to touch them because they are confident and people get aware of the consequences.

And lastly yes. Reputation matters. I hate to say it. But if you are seen as loose or easy then you are more vulnerable to advances and sometime those can turn ugly. It is big trade off between free spiritedness and safety, but it is a bitter truth.

But whatever may happen always remember that the girl did not deserve it. And there is no excuse for it. I have been out of my mind drunk on many occasions but that doesn’t mean I am not responsible for whatever I say or do when I am drunk.

Though I console myself as that only thing I am guilty is shouting at a girl only once or twice that too when I am drunk and apologizing the next day but still I am again part of the crowd that saw or heard what was happening and still did nothing. I am no social worker, women’s rights activist or a messiah. But I still hope that maybe somebody will be a bit better off after reading this. But as they said in Schindler’s List “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire”.

P.S. – By the time you finish reading this approx two women will be sexually assaulted somewhere in India. One of them will know the attacker but most probably neither of the attackers will face prison.

P.P.S – If you bothered to read through 2000 odd words please also bother to leave a comment. I would appreciate it.

To read about the Heart Wrenching story of Kelly McGillis go to this address. The most sickening part is the not the rape but the aftermath of it.

Idiot's guide to live among GUYS

Before I dispense my advice let me put a few premises and underpinnings. Being an engineer I like a methodical approach.

First let me begin by explaining what are men’s men. They are the leader of the pack, the alpha male, who are hated by women and admired by men. What one of my friend calls boys boys. That is what every man wants to be, well, at least in the company of other men. They are generally the macho men, the school bully, the sports jock. These rules are for happily staying amidst them. There are hereby referred to as “the guys” or “buddies”.

Second I will give my credentials. My parents somehow always took houses where there were no girls in the neighbourhood (at least in a 2 km radius), they also made sure that none of their friends or colleagues had daughters. To top it all I did my entire schooling in a boy’s school. And if that wasn’t enough I took admission into Mechanical branch in engineering which boasted of a ratio of 7 girls to 193 guys. And my dream run didn’t end there, now I am doing MBA from a college which has 14 girls out of a total of 120 odd people. So I have been around guys my whole life and I have charted successfully these turbulent waters. And this makes me authority on this subject.

So here it goes –

• Always underplay your friendship with other girls. Always act like only guys can be true friends, girls are just girlfriend material.
• If you are serious about your girlfriend let it be known subtly in the beginning only. And then never ever refer to her again.
• Don’t tell your problems. Guys already there girlfriends for that. Unless of course if you need to get your car fixed, or thinking of buying a new stereo system. Those are great conversation starters.
• Always overstate your booze capacity and chicks you have scored with. And always understate the time you devote to studying.
• Whenever in an argument speak more loudly than the other guy, resorting to logic is futile.
• Don’t say anything negative about a guy’s first car or basically anything he bought from his first salary, they are close to the guy’s heart.
• Don’t insult or ridicule anybody’s favourite sports team, especially not after they have suffered a humiliating defeat and/or the guy is drunk. In case you still wish to, keep a crash helmet and the ambulance handy.
• Don’t order Virgin Mary or Pomegranate Julep when you are out with guys. Trust me you won’t be able to live with the ridicule. When you don’t feel like drinking, stick to coke.
• When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she's dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that's the case, make it quick.
• Always behave like your date with your girlfriend is a torture you have to put up with.
• Never admit openly that you liked a chick flick. Admitting that you cried when Leonardo Dicaprio died in Titanic is Hara-Kiri. Claim that Rambo/ Terminator is your favourite movie even when it’s actually ‘When Harry met Sally’.
• Always buy more beer than you think is humanly possible to drink. Firstly Beer is never ‘enough’. Secondly then you are challenging the guys’ capacity.
• Always support your buddy when he is telling a story, even in the part where he saved Pamela Anderson from attacking aliens. Remember someday you’ll need it too.
• Mess up your room when you are having the guys over. Remember if they need to sit they will remove your dirty socks from the chair. And don’t forget to hide the fluffy cushion your girlfriend gifted you.
• Keep announcing that the guy who pissed you off in the college/office is gonna get his face smashed someday. Even if you have never even killed a fly.
• Farts are still laughing matter.
• Don’t let anybody overtake even if you are driving at 30 on an empty road. Remember Road is the place where you need to show your machismo.
• Remember that ex-girlfriends of your buddies are still a no-go zone. Or any girl they told you they like very much, even if they have never even talked to her.
• Always divide your female acquaintances as either ‘girls you like to sleep with’ or Sisters. There is no third kind.
• Don’t use words like ‘quality time’, ‘relationship trouble’, ‘courting’, bonding’ ‘soulmate’ etc. Not only will the guys not understand it but you may get branded as a freak.
• You should not know more colours then black, white, brown, blue, red, orange, yellow and green. Fuchsia is a place in China.
• Don’t ever get a guy a birthday card, unless there are pink panties or a pack of tampons with it to complete the joke.
• When extremely hard pressed to buy a gift for a guy, gift him a bottle of scotch.
• You should always know your buddies preferred brand in alcohol or cigarettes. Not knowing is a great sacrilege which can only be forgiven by buying him that in a Pub 5 times in a row.
• It is only ok to sing if you are drunk, otherwise no matter how good you are, you’ll still be laughed at.
• Never admire another man’s body. It was only ok till you were 10 and admired Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone.
• Don’t use the word ‘cute’. Let me rephrase, never ever use the word cute. Only in the case you are describing someone’s new born baby or dog. In that case too don’t use it more than once.
• You should not have a pet except maybe a dog. A fish is acceptable too but you should give him a Macho name like Butch or Spike. A pet snake would be great if you can manage not getting bitten.
• No PDA (Public Display of Affection). Even you can do it in front of other guys they can’t stand it.
• Keep your pet names between you and your girl friend only. If they guys get to know that your girlfriend calls you ‘Sweetu’, ‘Chiku’ or ‘Cutie Pie’ you’ll be the laughing stock every time more than 1 of them sits with you.
• Never say no for booze to your buddy when he had a really f**ked up day. He might never forgive you if you do.
• Never send love or inspirational messages to the guys. Only dirty jokes and MMS are acceptable (assuming the MMS is not having the guy and his girlfriend in it).
• You don’t ask for directions.
• You don’t tell on your buddy. Even if he’s cheating you don’t tell his girl friend. And you shouldn’t tell the other girl he has a girl friend. Consider this as honour among thieves.
• And I cannot stress this enough. Bros before hoes. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there.

P.S. – Inspired by the ‘Bro Code’.

Beginning of The End

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans” – John Lennon

It is the beginning of the end. I say this not only with a tinge of despair in my voice but also with lots of fears unknown. And when you have the end in your mind you gain a wholly different perspective, it’s like the ship which is about to conclude its journey, suddenly lot of things begin appearing on the horizon. Some things are a surprise but I think most things were to be expected if not welcomed.

Such is the journey now, an eventful 21 months are about to draw to a close and I’m having trouble to comprehend where the time flew. Though some may think that this ranting and raving is a little premature given that there are still 5 months to go before the end, but as I said I now see the end. It’s like a long chain of events although seemingly causal and predictable in nature but truly random and happenstance in real, which have brought me to this point. The cocoon is about to burst and the moth is full of dread!

No matter how much stories do the rounds of the gruelling schedule of B-Schools and the pressure and rigor during the course I still the think the outside is much more mean than this college ever was. This is not to negate the fact that B-School life is tough and you do learn a few lessons, and the hard way. Approximately four month down the course after a strenuous and humiliating marketing class I said to my friend that I think I have had enough of this MBA and now I just wanna take a job and get out, something he had been saying from day 1. And now that time is upon me and I’m like a fish out of water now.

When I came in this place like everyone else I was a little worried, little hesitant, little too keen to blend in and little unsure that will I blend in. But like everyone else I carried blind optimism, confidence and a fire in the belly. But maybe not like everyone else I also carried inside me a silent promise that I will not let this time be like my engineering. So I studied hard, did my work, attended my classes and sat up straight like everyone else. But I did something which I had never done before, whenever I did it I felt like someone who’s trying to get to know a stranger. That wasn’t me, I was this whisky drinking, party loving, bike driving, junk wearing long haired dude who was thrust in with someone who wore suits, kept his hair short, studied in the evening and tried to ask intelligent questions in class. Lame or plain as it may sound I was the fire in me, for me. I thought I was changed and the new ‘Me’ has finally arrived, But alas! I guess bad habits have this uncanny knack of sticking to me, they are like this big huge sphere like earth which attract me towards it and that is my final resting place.

Drunkard, free rider, lousy, carefree or anything else what people call or at least jest fully call me now I am not actually good for nothing. I was the guy who cleared NTSE, 11th ranker in Bansal entrance exams, cleared IIT screening twice, IIT JEE once, and a respectable 98 percentile in CAT. I am also someone who knows how to play a guitar, somewhat a Harmonium and the Drums, how to skate, the plays and sonnets of Shakespeare, the entire discography of Aerosmith and Metallica, the history of rock, contemporary House music, a Physics whiz kid, an amateur DJ, an amateur Bartender and someone knows an engine like the back of his hand. But I am also someone who flunked 4 subjects in engineering, scored 44 out of 100 in 12th boards maths, missed exams because I felt like drinking and slept through my own farewell.

I think the following misquote from Gregory David Roberts sums up it most appropriately –

“I was a revolutionary who lost his ideals in alcohol, a philosopher who lost his beliefs in self pity, and a poet who lost his soul in the rat race.”

All my above ranting only alludes to the one fact that every time I look towards my life in the hind sight I see a different something each time. But when I see towards this End, there is singularity. It’s like the event horizon; nothing that has happened before it matter when you reach there, and nothing that is there can reach you, indefinitely.

And I can’t help feeling that everything now is temporary, everything that you did or are doing are just leading up to that point. Nothing is going to go beyond it. So there is going to be lot of turbulence and lots of things that were will remain no longer, the best allegory is a battle, everyone will not survive but you still have to do it. I now have sleepless nights, feelings of despair and sense of urgency for something I can’t really place my finger on.
The rat race in on! And my most dreaded words like CV, certificate, short list, and package are back in the air. It’s the final lap of the race and winners are about to be decided. I got to run too and that worries me, the more I worry the lesser work I do and the lesser I do something about it the more I am worried about it. It is the worst of vicious circles. I’m in a strange state of mind, think weird things and act oddly and nobody near me understands why. Soon there will be a mad rush for jobs, for money, for big companies and fancy titles, long time friends will fight in GDs and every coveted job will come with a barrage of abuses. Everyone’s worth will be decided by his final placement.

Once more time to pack up my life and move. This life and this world that I helped shape, the world that I’m a part of is going to end, and a different world is going to rise. I just need to decide what to take with me and what not. The end is upon us. And it is the beginning of the end.

P.S.- When I re read this post today I realized how weird it sounds. But hey, it's a momentary lpase of reason!