The five girls you meet in India

"Ryan Bingham: I'm like my mother, I stereotype. It's faster."

Delhi – 

Delhi requires a big purse, big car, big biceps, and possibly other big parts too. Be prepared to dole out serious cash when you take her to the Orange Room for Bloody Mary, Khan Chacha for kababs and then a drive around India Gate in your rented sedan, finally ending up at your distant cousin’ sister’s friend’s farm house. If you can’t convincingly nod to “What does this girl think about herself, she is wearing such a chota skirt, desperate hai saali” while looking her own hip length dress; you are in trouble.

So get that rented Esteem, say we will go to Comesum to eat, park in the dark parking and start off with “tu na yaar is red dress mae bahut beautiful lagti hai” and proceed with the best thing you can do in a sub 200 BHP, non-jack-rabbiting, fuel injected car. 

Also Brush up your knowledge of best Chola Kulcha in Delhi, how much to bribe where, and to say convincingly “Lo aap baat karo uncle, ye koi Balwant Singh hai jisne rokka hai”, being groped in every mall entrance she wants to check out, midnight booze run to Gurgaon and the ability to stomach Bhenchod in every sentence; from her I mean.

Pros –

You mom would definitely approve.

Bigger is better. Fuck what you say about it. This is the truth.

Knowing about Harbhajan Mann and Harbajan Singh is enough to have a conversation

Kiss on the back of the neck is returned with moans and …. Let’s just say parts of anatomy being lubricated

Cons –

Might need a heart transplant soon, considering the stuff she cooks

You get “Jaanu you love me na?” a lot.

You will have to keep away your friends, colleagues and your distant cousins from ever coming for tea to you house

Be ready to sell your soul for a Mark Jacobs and Jimmy Choos.

Bangalore –

Bangalore on the other hand requires a big liver if not anything else. Be prepared to not to throw up as she guzzles down beer with one hand and makes animated conversations with the other hand. If you can’t make sense of “That fuckkkker, chuut he is… He said ‘Hi Baby’ to me it seems and I’m laughing my ass off, I’m like ‘whateverrrrr’, go get a life dude” you are doomed. Be prepared to go to a bakery where she discusses her third tattoo, Raghu Dixit Project and taps the guy standing next to her for a light.

What you see is what you get. Brush up your knowledge of Megadeath, Gaarudi Gombe and global warming while she suddenly kisses you in a dark pub after 5 beers. Be prepared for midnight Ganja runs to Shivaji Nagar, able to stomach that her best friend is a guy and dates that could mean book readings in Crossword followed by dosa in Malleshwaram

Pros –

She might ask you out first.

She can drink and drive you back

Forgetting her dog’s birthday is not a deal breaker.

Dates cost much lesser.

Cons –

Might need a liver transplant soon

“Jaanu I love you” is returned with Peals of laughter.

Mom might faint seeing a navel pierced, stinking of cigarette, dark, curly haired girl.

Kiss on the back of the neck is returned with “what the fuck man”

Bombay –

There are actually two kinds of girls you meet in Bombay. But there is a clear demarcation. One set is Marathi speaking, local jeans wearing and T bought from fashion-street or they call them there – Ghati. She will be flaunting some artificial jewelry which will be a second degree fake of your Gucci/ Versace / Vero Moda stuff and push you with Pudhil Chalo on a train station and eye ball you back when you protest.  But I am sure those reading this blog won’t be interested to know about them

Now the second, and our TG (Target Group for the non MBAs); the South Bombay chick. She will be dressed up in latest of fashion attire with their wardrobes changing every month (You will notice this only if you are able to bear their nakhras for a month). They want to party hard and you have to probably shell out money at all night clubs they know or their friend’s know or their friend’s friends have visited. Hair style and accessories will always be addressed with the designer or the celebrity who was just spotted wearing them. They would speak English if you converse with them for less than an hour and as you cross the barrier of hour the language changes from English to Hinglish with slangs like “Yeah I told you re that road pe we need to ghumao fai our car “. And on every second weekend be prepared to drive your car to Lonavla as “Bombay is so polluted sweetheart, I want some fresh air “

Pros –

The girl’s mom dad would be super chilled out; she won’t need to give lame reasons like night study at friend’s place.

She would never say “Janu, you are sloshed. Ab rehne do “

You don’t need to be John McClane to take a walk with her after 10 o clock.

You would get to know where Hrithik Roshan lives, where Katrina likes to eat and where Sanjay Dutt gets his Paan from.

Cons –

You would get to know where Hrithik Roshan lives, where Katrina likes to eat and where Sanjay Dutt gets his Paan from.

A date requires an entire day.

You might need eyeball replacement after you gouged then out while smiling and appreciating all the dresses/accessories that she tried in the shop.

And their favorite quote - “There this place called A where you get yummy stuff B. I wanna go there today”. So what you waiting for? Get prepared to travel for 2 hours for a 70 bucks pancake.

Calcutta – 

Calcutta requires infinite patience and sex drive if not anything else. There is something in Hooghly’s water, I can swear by it. It makes the boys horny and girls hornier. Forget its cricketers and ‘Roshogullas; the girls are Calcutta’s best exports. Be ready to fall for big eyes, enchanting mannerisms and the oh-so-sexy-making-your-heart-skip-a-beat “Oh Maa”. But remember she would as strong as she is sensual, and smart on top of that. If you don’t read at least two newspapers a day, don’t know who our external affairs minister is, can’t patiently wait for 2 hours to travel 2 kms in a car to Burra Bazar or are diabetic; you are in deep shit.

Go Pandal Hopping whole night during the Puja with her and Club hopping during the other 356 nights. Satisfy Kookie Jar cravings during the evenings, Shibu jee’s Kulfi cravings at midnight and …. Let’s just say other cravings post-midnight, and curse the Marwaris somewhere along this to be a part of the gang. So load up the extra deodorant; get that high mileage easily maneuverable small car and say to her “Hum soch raha tha tum aur hum aaj Sher-E-Punjab dhaba chalte hai, humko Egg tadka khaane ka bahut mann kar raha hai” And then have a ‘romantic’ drive till Jessore road while she curses everyone on the road and then wait one hour after a two hour drive and eat overpriced Punjabi food that isn’t authentic Punjabi either.

But that is the least of your worries. Worry about the day when you will have to go meet her dad, when she makes your drive through streets which you can swear are directly out of the labyrinth, shouts for Poltu to park your car and takes you into a 150 year old, crumbling building. As you are cautiously go up the stairs and enter into a colonial house one thin old guy looks up from his book and starts quizzing you on your mathematical, political and literary knowledge while addressing you as “Young Man’ every time.

Pros –

She might kiss you on the back of the neck.

 Leave it to her to fight with the cabbie who scratched your car.

“I was struck in a traffic jam” is always believable even if you stay 100 meters away.

Mom Dad would approve of the Sitar Playing, Shakespeare quoting girl

Cons –

Her dad might not approve of you though.

Your on-one-knee-ring-in-hand proposal might be interrupted if she sees a puchka-wala

Not knowing the entire Tagore’s poetry might be the cause of divorce.

You will have to pretend to like fish even if you are from Rajasthan.

Rajasthan –

What? You don’t meet girls in Rajasthan! That is if you don’t call fixing up a time to chat when the girl’s mom is away as a date. Most you do is meet for a movie, sit with one seat between you while she prays very hard that her dad’s accountant’s dog’s vet didn’t see her with you. And you try to imagine how she would look when you remove her big glasses, dupatta that she wraps around her face and her long gloves that go till her elbows. That’s it. You don’t think further, you can’t. Beyond that is like imagining Santa Claus with a six pack saying “How you doing?”

 P.S. - Bombay part done by Somya Shringi, the original Heart Breaker, Soul Shaker and my Soul Twin (his words)

Descent into Madness (Again)

 "I have labored to pass many a days but my years have flew by"

I have got 10 mins to pen my thoughts, then I need to take a shower and head out to get more drunk. I am two beers down and feeling like writing. I just watched Dev D in parts for the 100th time and whole thing is feeling like Deja Vu.

I have been in this place before, at least two times I can distinctly remember. Days seem like a half remembered dream, I get up, push myself to go to work, even though I hate going to office, but I get this sense of urgency that works needs to be done. I feel like leaving office barely 2 hours into it and everyday I tell myself " Leave office early just this day, have some fun, catch a break" But I know there is no fun to be had, and the break is too short lived, too momentary. So I end up staying in office later than usual. For the last two weekends I was traveling, travel that could change the entire course of my life. But now they seem non consequential too. Week started right after that. Days are a blur now ,so much so that I can't tell one day apart from the other, I seriously can't recall when most things happen. Was it a Monday or a Tuesday, I frequently get confused in conversations and make mistakes. Other correct me very often now. Everyday I feel like running away, and everyday I tell myself not to, to endure it for just one day.

Nights are no better either. I time myself in the mornings. It takes me 15 mins (give or take) to leave from home and reach my desk. Out of that 5 odd mins are the drive from my home to office, 10 mins are taken up by the walk from the parking to my desk in my building. I do it pretty fast, fast as in I walk fast and overtake everyone walking in the same direction, it almost feels like I have a sense of purpose, a reason and a hurry to be somewhere. But the longest walk of the day is the walk back to my car from the building, it never seems to end and I get this cloud of despair over me. I have no reason to go back home, nothing awaits me, I am just exchanging one set of worries with another, that is office with an empty house. I always change my music from dance music to hard but melancholy rock on the way back. And then I can't sleep. I have had trouble sleeping for many years but the current stint is the worst. I can't sleep at night, get up early in the morning and have trouble falling asleep again. I am tired and underslept most of the day, hence I have to push myself to go to office.

And I can't see any remedy in the near future. I need a break, a vacation; I really really do. I am going to Delhi next month, I sincerely hope that works. Till then I am going to push myself through each day and pray I don't go insane.

The girl you love or the girl who loves you? : REDUX

Whom would you marry? It’s an honest question. Probably some romantic idealists would say neither, but in a world of 6 Billion people what is the probability that the person you love also found you and only you to love? Or the other way around? Very bleak I would say. And if you are saying that you don’t know the whole world then you are just compromising with the people whom you you know; while your ‘Soulmate’ (if such a thing exists) might be in some other country, speaking some other language and married to someone else.

That leaves me with this question and this very real scenario. Look around and you will find even in the most perfect couples there is always some power imbalance, somebody who first initiated the dialogue; somebody who makes up first after a fight; somebody who is a little insecure; somebody who got laughed on while saying “seriously, this is your girlfriend?, somebody who is always perplexed with “what does she see in me?”. You are now getting the picture, aren’t you? So who do you wanna be?  The lover or the loved? The person who took pity on another because he or she has been there even after rebuttals, insults and being used & discarded?  Or the other person who thinks that the other is the one who he or she was destined to be with and can’t be without?

I think it is better to marry the girl who loves you. It makes better sense logically. It’s just cold hard math. You can count on her loyalty. She will always go the extra mile to please you, she will watch the movies you want, eat the food you like and have sex when you want. She will say sorry first when you fight, go away when you are angry and come back when you need a crutch. It is her problem to make you like her and not the other way around; she will make you look good in front of her friends and will make sure she does in front of yours. She will return your calls at 3 AM and tell herself ‘he would be busy’ when you won’t return hers. She’d be afraid when you are angry and cry in a corner when she is. She’ll throw surprise parties on your birthday and just smile when you forget hers. There’ll be your favorite meal waiting at home when you just say ‘My boss is an idiot’; and a cold hug and “you should have worked harder” will pick her up when she gets fired.  She will defend you in front of her parents and suck up to yours. Bruises will become insect bites and wrist slashes will become cat paw marks.  She will forgive when you cry after cheating on her and smile when you ask her not to talk to her best friend.

And if not for anything else, it is a huge ego boost to have a human doting on you like that.

Maybe you will someday fall in love with her. Or at least you can tell yourself that. She would obviously believe that. Even when her mind would scream that she is a door rug. She will never find someone better than you. Or at least that’s what she tells herself. Love is selflessness and sacrifice. No harm in that, right? Or maybe for you it isn’t.  Ayn Rand had already said. You need reasons to love someone. And whole hearted and blind & stupid one sided love. It is a good reason as any. Any which ways you will get fond of her. Or at least dependent on her. Hell you start liking your dog that has been with you for 3 months.  She is after all a human being. Least you can do is give her attention and an occasional act of kindness. Many people don’t even get that. And for most that is enough from the people they love. It will keep them satiated. One sided lovers have second -hand lives. They derive theirs from their lover; their happiness, their self-worth, their sense of purpose and their gratification. They get drunk on someone else’s high.  It is not a bad life if you ask me, for them I mean. They get happiness out of it. And some ugly-fucked-up distortion of a companionship. It is more than what half of the world is living with. And it certainly beats the bitterness; sarcasm and brewing but implicit hostility. That many couples live with. Who never had or don’t have any love for each other. At least anymore. But most of all you are not giving her the pain. The heartbreak that one gets when the love of their life leaves them. Many can’t get over it their entire lives. And a few end it. It is the biggest favor anyone can do anyone.

Marry the girl you love and you will be playing catch-up your whole life. It is like the deer who runs for a pool of water in the desert and the farther he runs, further the pool of water of gets away from him. Sooner or later the deer dies of the thirst and exhaustion. Which he accumulated running for that pool of water. The pool of water is a mirage, an illusion. Something that is there somewhere but you will never find it. And that search will kill you in the end. The deer would have been better off if he had never started running for that water in the first place. Likewise is the love you would never get.  The constant nagging that if I would have done that or done that better, “she would love me back” will kill you sooner or later. And if that doesn’t, the insecurity will. Every late night, every afternoon lunch without you, every weekend outings with her team, every time she run towards the phone when it rings, every time she smiles at some stranger will stab you a million times. You will stare at your phone for calls that never come and wait hours for a message that says ‘hmmm’. Every time you go to sleep in the night you’d never be sure that in the morning she’d still be there.

I am a Nihilist, ontologically.  I don’t think life has a higher purpose. After we are gone there is nothing. We are ashes or dust. There is no greatness in self-sacrifice, morality or doing good for others.Llife is as Friedrich Nietzsche put it “Regarding life, the wisest men of all ages have judged alike: it is worthless.” 

And finally. Why do I ask this question? I don’t know. It is a good question to be asked. And I like Yossarian. I am a ‘collector of good questions’.

The girl you love or the who girl who loves you?

Are you one who has loved
With the passion of a burning fire
Or are you the one who said ‘I love you too’
And in same breath called yourself a liar

But I will stop the watch

And inanely compose such a rhyme
Knowing no one will answer, I‘d ask,
Whom do you wanna be this time?

Whom would you marry? It’s an honest question. Probably some romantic idealists would say neither, but in a world of 6 Billion people what is the probability that the person you love also found you and only you to love? Or the other way around? Very bleak I would say. And if you are saying that you don’t know the whole world then you are just compromising with the people who you know; while your soulmate (if such a thing exists) might be some other country, speaking some other language and probably 20 year older than you.

That leaves me with this question and this very real scenario. Even in the most perfect couples there is always some power imbalance, somebody who first initiated the dialogue or dropped hints at the start of the relationships; somebody who mostly makes up first after a fight; somebody who is a little insecure; somebody who got told he or she is lucky to have found the other person.

So whom do you wanna be the lover or the loved? The person who took pity on the other person because he or she has been there even after rebuttals, insults and being used & discarded. Or the other person who thinks that the other is the one who he or she was destined to be with and can’t be without? Who always wanted to take care of her and is now able to, who always wanted to be the center of his attention and cause of his smile and now finally is.  

“Through the storm, we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more” –

U2

I think it is better to marry the girl who loves you. It makes better sense logically. You can count on her loyalty. She will always go the extra mile to please you, she will watch the movies you want, eat food you like and have sex when you feel like. She will say sorry first when you fight, go away when you are angry and come back when you need support. It is her problem to make you like her and not the other way around; she will make you look good in front of her friends, throw surprise parties on your birthday and just smile when you forget hers. And if not anything else, it is huge ego boost to have someone doting on you so much.

Maybe you will someday fall in love with her, or at least you can tell yourself that. Ayn Rand had said that you need reasons to love someone. And whole hearted and blind love is a good reason as any. Any which ways you will get fond of her or at least dependent on her after you continue long enough. Hell you even start liking your dog that has been with you for 3 months, she is after all a human being. Least you can do is give her attention and an occasional act of kindness. Many people don’t even get that, and for most that is enough from the people they love. It will keep them satiated. One sided lovers have second -hand lives. They derive theirs from their lover; their happiness, their self-worth, their sense of purpose and their gratification. It is not a bad life if you ask me, for them I mean. They get happiness out of it and some distortion of a companionship. It is more than what half of the world is living with. And it certainly beats the bitterness, sarcasm and brewing but implicit hostility that is between many couples who never had or don’t have any love for each other anymore. But most of all you are not giving her the pain and heartbreak that someone gets when the love of their life leaves them. Many can’t get over it their entire lives and a few end it. It is the biggest favor anyone can do anyone if you ask me.

“Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you” –

U2

Marry the girl you love and you will be playing catch-up your whole life, it is like the deer who runs for a pool of water in the desert and the farther he runs, further the pool of water of gets away from him. Sooner or later the deer dies of the thirst and exhaustion he accumulated running for that pool of water. The pool of water is a mirage, an illusion, something that is there somewhere but you will never find it, and that search will kill you in the end. The deer would have been better off if he had never started running for that water in the first place. Likewise is the love you would never get. It is a tough life, because no matter how much would you do for her, it would never be enough, the constant nagging that if I would have done that or done that better, she would love me back will kill you sooner or later. And if that doesn’t, the insecurity will; every late night, every afternoon lunch without you, anytime when her whereabouts are not known, every time she run towards the phone when it rings, every time she smiles at some stranger will drive a million daggers through your heart. Gregory David Roberts had once written – “Some loves are like that. Your heart starts to feel like an over-crowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out - your friends, everyone you used to know.   And it’s still not enough The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it’s going to take you down with it.” Whom do you wanna be when then boat goes down? Rose or Jack? Trust me there is nothing sadder than one half of a great love that will never be.

I am a Nihilist, ontologically.  I don’t think life has a higher purpose. After we are gone there is nothing, we are ashes or dust. There is no greatness in self-sacrifice, morality, doing good for others, life is as Friedrich Nietzsche said “Regarding life, the wisest men of all ages have judged alike: it is worthless.”  But before that I am a hedonist, I believe that pleasure is the only intrinsic good. In very simple terms, a man is only goal is to strive to maximize net pleasure (pleasure minus pain). So what do you think will bring you the maximum pleasure? Of course marrying the girl who loves you.

And finally. Why do I ask this question? I don’t know. It is a good question to be asked. And I like Yossarian am a ‘collector of good questions’. For the most part I think it is habit of abyss gazing, and to quote Nietzsche again “And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Of these two girls, I have none. And I had both. And what would I do? I would marry the girl I love. But then … I’m an emotional fool.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness” –

Friedrich Nietzsche

P.S. - If you bothered to read through 1275 words and 1300 whites spaces please do bother to leave a comment, I want to know what people feel about this whole affair.