Sunday, May 20, 2018

Nine most useless things in the world


 


1.       Airline Announcements

 

Is there anything more useless than the announcement where the Pilot introduces himself and then rambles on “This is your pilot Arjun Chopra, ummmmmmm,  we are flying today to New Delhi, ehhhhhh, we are cruising at 30,000 feet, the temperature outside is 5 degrees below zero, anddddddd….. the skies outside are clear…”. All that goes in my mind that time is “I couldn’t care less about your name, I am not even going to see you. I know where the plane is going, you see I bought the ticket to it. I also do not care about the weather outside, inside I am going to open the fan vent even further because someone farted. And finally it is your problem how the sky is outside. I do not call and tell you how my network speed is when I am working, so I don’t appreciate about information on your working conditions.

 

Imagine if your Auto driver suddenly starts – “This is the Auto driver Ambarish Rangaiah, we are going to your house today, we are currently crawling in a traffic jam at 5 km/hour and for this I am going to charge you 20 Rs. Extra, It is hot, humid and polluted out here …..”. Nothing will drive you to murder faster.

 

2.       Inspirational Messages

 

What is the deal with them? Especially the ones that you receive in Whatsapp with a lame Good Morning tacked on at the end of them. Especially in India. Especially with photos of Sunrises or Flowers or Toddlers in the background. I mean we send more than 100 crore a day, we froze Whatsapp’s servers and Google had to put a special team to find out why so many Android phones in India were suddenly getting full and crashing.

 

What is the use of these messages? Does someone one day get up, see a message on Whatsapp and changes his whole perspective on life? Imagine waking up late, you are still sleepy and worried about the how painful the traffic is going to be now, your boss will crib that you are late, you are given impossible targets for your quarter and then suddenly your phone beeps. it is your Uncle who has sent you a message saying “All Birds find shelter during a rain. But Eagle avoids rain by flying above the Clouds. Good Morning”.  And you go - Eureka! So that is what I was doing wrong till now, instead of worrying about the traffic I should … I don’t know what… Maybe build a Quadricopter which runs on water to fly me to work and also helps me to create clones so I can do my work in time?  Moreover this text is not a text but words as an image with an Eagle or a mountaintop as the background and attributed to a famous person. Because sensible words matter more if they are an image and said by someone famous .

 

And don’t even get me started of the ultimate cowardly act of sending a message starting with “Forwarded as received…”

 

3.       Warning messages

 

I mean the diplomatic warning messages like on a plastic bag which says “This bag is not a toy”. The person who is going to use that as a toy is a two year old, he or she can’t read. It will not matter even it says “This bag is made from radioactive plastic which was previously used to store Anthrax spores” with a skull and crossbones sign on it. The two year old kid is still going to put it on his or her head and run around. It can’t possibly be for the parents either, if they do not understand the difference between a plastic bag that can choke kids and a toy without reading a warning level then they should take the Darwin award and remove themselves from the Gene Pool. And these parents are surely the same people who will disregard warnings of wearing a seatbelt while driving and wearing a helmet while riding, not to talk on the phone while driving, not smoking etc., but when they will see this warning and they will realize how serious it is and safely store away the plastic to recycle.

 

4.       Kitna bada ho gaya hai ye!

 

Isn’t the most useless bromide to lead with? You see a kid after 5 years and you are surprised that he or she has grown up? What were you expecting? For them to grow younger like Benjamin Button? You might as well start with any of the obvious truths like ‘The sun rises from the east’ or ‘Gravity exists’ or ‘I hate my boss’.

This useless sentence is followed by another equally useless sentence “The last time I saw you, you were so little” with a stretched palm measuring arbitrary distance from the ground. It is the exact same things. It like saying “oh you have a new black colored car, how nice” then following it with “the last time I saw you, you did not have a new car and it was red in color”.

 

5.       HR announcement and Town Hall meetings

 

They are like an election rally where people are forcibly sent to listen to stuff they don’t care about, but here you do not get even a biryani/saree/quarter to attend it, just an email from manager saying “Team, let us show high participation in the the Town Hall”. Then you drag yourself from your desk to wherever this is happening and listen to top management ramble on “We are showing very healthy growth in Middle East, we are up by 4%... blah blah blah …. Customer are giving very good feedback about .. blah blah blah… We need to invest more in Blockchain technology / Sustainable Buildings / Smart Cars / <Insert your Industry’s buzzword here> …. We are setting up new Champions / Intrapreneurs  / Agents of change / who will prepare our new go-to-market kill chain to amplify our return on relationship with our strategic customers (which basically means that some guy will do a lot of foreign travel on company’s money and come back with un-implementable plan)”

 

If you are not bored to tears till this point, then HR will take the stage and start “Guys, we have this initiative S.H.I.K.S.H.A or Strategic High Impact Knowledge Study on Human Aspirations. Mails have been shot out (because just sending emails is not good enough) to everyone, please finish the survey asap”. But you already zoned out and are checking Facebook on your phone and make a mental note of Shift+Deleting of this email when you see it.

 

6.       Photos of Housing Projects

 

You have seen them, haven’t you? And they always are the same - A tall, good looking man with his arm around his wife and sipping his tea with another hand, standing on his balcony from the top floor of the building, looking at the sunrise. This man is content, proud and impossibly young to afford a house of 1.3 crores + registration + tax + parking + higher floor surcharge + common space deposit + Preferential Locality Charge + brokerage + Interiors. And if this is not bad enough they slap on the most useless tagline on it – YOUR DREAM HOME.

 

Fuck this. My dream home is not a 2 bedroom, 950 square feet house which is 2 hour out of the city. My dream home is 60 room mansion has a view of the sea from one side, Times Square on one side, Alps on one side and one side has a view of my pool where porn stars are sunbathing topless.

 

If it was honest advertising they would write that this is the only house you can afford, that too barely by giving up all your savings, taking money from your parents and being neck deep in EMI for the next 20 years of your life. This balcony that you see in the ad will only be used twice in the day, once when you hang your wet towel and once when you come to put your clothes for drying. The only view you will see is other’s laundry drying or under construction buildings. You will never have time to sip tea with your wife because both of you will be working your ass off to pay the EMIs. Your kid will be in school till 4, then do homework, then have tuitions, the 1 hour of play time on his tablet; the play area and jungle gym will all go to waste, the club area will be hoarded by someone or the other having some religious functions and if office politics wasn’t enough you’ll have housing society politics.

 

7.       12 month gym membership

 

For once people should be realistic. These are the same people who want to try 5 different flavors of before buying ice-cream, want a free sample of shampoo before trying it, spray every deo bottle in the store before buying their usual brand. But for an activity which requires 2 hours of time per day, which is punishing, physically and mentally challenging, which requires a commitment of entire year and they have never ever done it successfully for their entire life; people are ready to dole out 20,000 Rs. Upfront.

 

Of course the gyms know it, one third of the 12 month members who take it as a new year resolutionists drop within the 1st month, only 15% of all members in the gym come regularly. However this does not stop the gyms from putting the entire newspaper full of ads in January. Because they know the people who have difficultly controlling themselves in front of Gulab Jamun, pastries and onion bhajji will lap up their bullshit as well.

 

8.       Goa Plans

 

I don’t think this one requires any explanation. Just recollect your last conversation on a whatsapp group of your school or college friends when one of them was too drunk –

 

Drunk Bro - Bro, let’s all meet up once bro. It’s been so long since we’ve all met

The admin of the group - Yeah bro, we should definitely meet

Enthu Pataka of the group – Bol bhaai. Kab milna hai?

Drunk Bro – Bhaai jab tu bole. Bata kahan aana hai, bhaai haazir ho jayega

Bro 4 – Yeah man we should all meet at least once.

Admin – Let’s meet in Goa for new years, half way for everyone (Changes name of the group to Goa Plan 2018 with a bikini emoji)

Drunk Bro – Go Goa! (fifteen emojis with thumbs up, beer, beach , bikini, and various smileys in a jumbled manner)

Bro 4 – Oh Sorry Bro, December is little difficult for me, in laws would be here.

Enthu Bro – Oh Shit! December is year-end closing time in office, won’t be able to get leaves.

 

And then the entire plan goes down the drain

 

9.       Listicles like this

 

I think the only use they are is to prove that the author has no understanding of prose and structure and definitely no imagination at all

 

Sunday, January 7, 2018

The idiot's guide to be a feminist


 
Feminism is THE Fad right now, just like patriotism was in the 1999. Whatever you want to sell; be it cooking oil, deodorant or yourself, this is THE bandwagon you want to jump on.
So do you generally like females and want to put this liking into a moneymaker? Or you like boys instead but since the women have never harmed you, you want to help them out? Or since your friends are already against animal cruelty, gun violence, genetically modified crops and Hitler, you want to have your own topic where you can passionately berate the whole world for? Or you just an attention commercial sex worker (we do not use the word ‘whore’ now)? Then read right on because even if you thought till now that the glass ceiling is just the roof of a Greenhouse this blog will make you the uber feminist who can run circles around Angelina Jolie.

See the first thing you need is a Tumblr account for a blog, not Wordpress or Blogpost but Tumblr. It is the holy ground where all Feminists congregate, the last bastion of the pure world which is not polluted by misogynistic pigs with their catcalls, rape threats and acid attacks. Then you need a name for it, a name has to be something powerful which screams out that you will not take the oppression of the patriarchy anymore, in fact you will take the very thing they shamed you with and wear it proudly like a gilded armor. That is where the names like Menstruating Minstrel or Voluble Vulva come in. Or you can go with something panglossian like ‘Girl Boss’ or ‘Women on top of the whole wide world while everyone else is like way down’ as well. Of course something masculinist of this type would be totally absurd, for example Penis Soliloquy can only be an adult cartoon strip and a name like Speaking Scrotum would be just plain offensive.
Now that you have decided upon the name you need something to talk about. It has to be something everyone can relate to, so keep it an everyday topic and explain how it is actually a conspiracy of evil men. Something like: How using the word Friendzone propagates rape culture or how older relatives wanting hugs is equal to rape. Ok maybe not those two, since they are already taken. But there are plenty of topics out there, like how the name ball point pens is sexist and how feminists will call them ovary point pens henceforth. Or how the iOS development is funded by men because it only has Silent mode but no PMS mode. Or how the umbrella is made phallus like by men and a gender neutral umbrella would be perfectly horizontal when open. Perhaps you can quote specific instances of your life, for example the last time you saw a shitfaced girl in a bar and all her male friends asked her not to drive and take a taxi, which is incredibly patriarchal of them, to assume she will not be able to drive at night.

However just these opinions and point of views will not last a long time. So you have to support causes, causes can be anything related to women. One favorite cause of a group of feminists was to support Hillary Clinton, and she was to be supported because she was a woman. Anybody who objected to the point that supporting her just because she is a woman is actually sexism was straightway termed misogynist, anti-feminist and a woman enslaver. That was a fun group, more power to them! Then there causes like giving higher stars to Sushmita Sen movies on IMDB because she is a strong independent woman and needs encouragement. Or asking for equal representations in colleges and workforce and protesting every institution which does not have 50% women. However care has to be taken so as not be grouped with people asking for OBC reservation in colleges or SC/ST reservations in private jobs, because those people are stupid, casteist and do not understand that these positions should be filled with merit as they currently are. You can also twist innocent statements into anti-women messages: Movie star thanked his father in the award speech? Why? He doesn’t love his mother more who gave him birth? Must be anti-woman. On asking for opinion a guy says that his girlfriend’s hair is too short? Round up the posse and get that girl to break up from that guy at once, because he is a control freak who is body shaming his girlfriend and taking away her control over her own body. You can go on and on like that
And then you have your basic outrage, the meat and potatoes of every true feminist. Feminists are supposed to vociferous about any crime committed against women. All rapists, child molesters, abusive husbands and boyfriends, dowry harassers should be skinned alive, their genitals cut and fried in a pan, then torn limb to limb and their insides left to rot in the open. Because these people do not belong to a civilized society like ours and have no humanity in them. Lesser crimes than these against women should at least carry the death penalty to act as a deterrent to men and push them to commit more benign crimes like murder. Spend some time on smaller outrages as well, like sharing photo of guys on social media accused of catcalling or molesting without any fact checking. Applauding women who beat the men who were harassing them because violence from women on men is totally ok and not double standards at all. Another good example is sharing photos with the message “This man/woman was seen carrying this baby but the baby does not look like his/hers”, don’t worry about the moral implication, judging someone based on their looks or clothes is totally ok till it the look is without makeup and the clothes are not fashionable. Brand anyone asking questions about a woman’s allegation as performing moral policing or victim blaming. The list is long but you’ll soon get the hang of it.

Finally it is the positivity messages and a show of how proud you are to be a woman, which is nothing like being proud of something else you are just born with. So you gotta post all your photos on with captions like ‘Girl power’, ‘Woman on top’, ‘Girl boss’ or ‘Proud to be a mother/sister/daughter’. And keep a lookout for those groups of guys having ‘Cool Boys’ stickers on their cars or stuff like that, because those men were not raised right by their parents.
Keep going like that and soon you’ll be a feminist with a capital F, a celebrity and a well respected member of the society, life of every party and envy of all your friends. Your Tumblr hits and reblogs will be in millions, people will queue outside your door to know your opinion about what to do with armpit hair, what movies to see, which words to use and how to raise their kids right. All by just following the above easy five points! You are welcome!
 

P.S. – As the above text suggest I am not a feminist. However I am also not a sexist. I believe in equal opportunities for everyone and in everything. Feminism must be about equal opportunities and not woman first, keep it sensible. And watch out for fakers.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Leave tonight or die this way

















It is another boring afternoon to kill,
To watch TV or sneak away for a smoke.
Only two options, melodrama or cheap thrill,
In this small town of a joke.


Take me away from this place.
I know I am the cleverest here.
But wasting away in this dawdling pace,
Waiting for the night to smuggle a warm beer.


I would prefer Grey Goose martinis in a suit,
In my high rise apartment instead of this
Cotts wool shirt and a Bata boot.
And a swanky car wouldn’t be amiss.


I hate that I can’t move around the town
 without ten people knowing. Or to come in
late to the house without one or two frown.
Their English and accents is another of my chagrin.


Everybody listens but none can appreciate me
Fed up with their small thinking, I can’t stay.
I have bigger dreams that I clearly see.
Have to leave tonight or die this way.


INTERLUDE

I can’t remember the last afternoon I had
Now it’s just nights after morning
In this big city; big, hard and bad
Wrapped in a grey smog, forever in mourning


And I am one of the many, wrapped in my gray coat
Lost in grey crowd, between these grey buildings. Sipping
my Grey Goose martinis, scream frozen in my throat.
Playing catch up with its fast pace and always slipping.


Stuck in traffic in my swanky car I search for
a familiar face and fail, or perhaps some trees and pond.
They says it’s the festive rush. But I don’t feel festive anymore
That’d be Diwali at home and old friends to bond.


As I enter my house there’s none to open the door.
Just a key to prove I live here. Neighbors don’t care.
They can’t speak my language and my accent they abhor.
It’ll be just TV and a smoke with none to share.


Everybody appreciates but none listens to me.
Fed up with their alienation, I can’t stay.
I have better dreams that I clearly see..
Have to leave tonight or die this way.


 

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Why is all the weakness in me?




Ten thousand texts I’ve sent, but you never reply,
Or to the calls that I make when I’m drunk and I cry;
Nor look up when I pretend to be just passing by.
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

I did not see you for a week after we broke up.
It was a nightmare from which I never woke up.
Here I cry rivers and only stop to sick up,
And they say you’ve never even shed a tear

I sleep in my room whole day and only come out
To drink myself to sleep again. While you hangout
With you friends and go on with life all stout.
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

I send hateful messages so you will get angry
And talk to me, ‘cause even for your abuse I’m hungry.
I’m trying to date even though it feels like adultery,
Because in some girls I see your hair in some your eyes

I want to get back, this time I’ll be a better person
To correct my mistake, to put out my own arson.
But you said you don’t and let things even worsen
How are you so strong and why is all the weakness in me?


Ten thousand times you’ve tried me, ten thousand times I turned myself to stone.
But I’ll die if I think you cry let alone hear you on the phone.
Can’t dare look up to you, lest you see in my eyes love still shone.
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

Overdosed on sleeping pills, was in hospital for week after we broke up.
Nightmares are better than the life to which I woke up.
If I start crying I know I will never let up,
Maybe I'm too sad to cry, too tired to bring a tear in my eye.

I cannot sleep at all, not since they took away the pills
Can’t even stay in the house your memories give me chills
My friends are all that keeps me sane, but nothing fulfills
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

I see you that you hate me but I cannot say anything,
because it is my fault that caused this thing.
I am happy for you that you are now dating.
Me, I know cannot get another you, this I always knew.

My heart sored when you asked to get back together,
Then I realized you were drunk, not sure you remember whether.
I will never be good enough for you, too false a hope to tether.
But how are you so strong and all the weakness is in me?





P.S. - Inspired by the Joan Armatrading song of the same name

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Finding the One and life's other fallacies



All of us as kids start out with a lot of fantasies. Some of us want to be wizards, some of us hope to be secret princesses, some want to be super heroes. As we grow older some geeks like me continue to believe in these fantasies, we are sort of overgrown kids actually. We like comic books, super hero movies, Harry Potter and other fantasy novels.
Rest of us graduate to a higher fantasy – finding the One. The one that the universe intended them to be with, the one they will have an earth shattering romance with, the one that will fight the entire world to be with them, the one which when they see a millions violins will go off, daisies will blow in the wind and time itself will skip a beat.

In my humble opinion you have equal chances of finding out that you can fly and finding the one. The one that you always dreamt of, the one who likes the same quaint movies that you do, the one who likes your friends but has interesting ones of his own too, the one who is good looking but not too much to attract unwanted attention, the one who is outgoing and likes to do stuff but also likes to cuddle in a blanket and watch a movie on the weekends that you don’t feel like going out. The one who swears that one cannot start his or her day without tea if you like tea or is highly knowledgeable about wines and single malts if you are into that kind of stuff. The one who is career oriented and respects yours too but has interesting hobbies and a happening life beyond work. The one who understands your passion for dubstep and your hatred for four-on-the-floor beat or is into ghazals of Farida Khanum If you are. The one who has sense to never wear brown shoes with black pants but is daring enough to wear brogues and not stick to oxfords. The one who is smooth and knows the right thing to say, the one who is never tongue tied or looking for you to show the way but is not too bossy or a control freak either and understands that in some things you know best. The one with whom you will endless conversations till morning every time you talk. The one for candlelight dinners, surprise birthday parties and romantic beach walks.

This One is a fantasy like any other, perpetrated by romantic movies and novels, reinforced by greeting card companies and seemingly realized by happy couple photographs on Facebook. And the biggest difference between us geeks watching Avengers and people watching Notting Hill or DDLJ is that we know Thor and Loki are fictional characters. The point that Anna Scott and Raj are ones too is seemingly missed by a lot of people. Those are the ones who put these expectations on real people. When (or if) aliens attack I will follow emergency evacuation procedure and will try to keep my head down. Not wait for The Avengers to rescue me. But the people searching for the one expect their date/girl or boy friend/marriage prospect to behave exactly like Jack or Rose from Titanic. And then they move on after calculating that he or she is not the one.
Sometimes I feel that these people are more in love with the idea of being in love. For them finding love is a way to make themselves complete and fulfilled. As if finding true love will solve all their problems and their life will be the ones worth flaunting where they can cock a snook at everyone else who hasn’t found their the One yet. Love is a wonderful thing, it really is, it can brighten up the dullest days, it can give you the power to fight through the toughest odds, it really is the rabbit hole that can show Alice or you a wonderful new place but it isn’t a Parasmani. So when you try to find meaning in your life by searching for the one you are putting the burden of your entire fulfillment on him or her.

Your significant other cannot take the burden of being romantically alluring and matching your every taste and being your activity partner and your friend and friend of your friends and being liked by your parents and forethoughtful providers/care givers That is, to take the burden of being the One. He or she cannot take it. No one can.
That is why you have friends. And you need to maintain those friendships even after you find the one. That one friend who can do the Govinda dance steps with you, that one friend who likes hiking as you do, that one friend who also thinks that is totally ok to travel 20 kms to eat a Idli, that one friend who can spend the entire night arguing with you if Sam and not Frodo was the real hero of Lord of The Rings.

Friendships like any plant need to be seeded and then maintained and this day and age it is become increasingly easy to stay in touch and maintain your friendships. Now it is possible to talk to your friends across continents and time zones. To drop in a line or see once in a while what are they up to. And with the internet, online forums and special interest Usenets can get you to talk with total strangers and cultivate friendships across any social divide and almost across languages as well. I argue with 882 strangers whether Stannis was right to burn Shireen on Reddit and don’t really need my One to really care that deeply about Game of Thrones. Most people around me these days keep agreeing to posts and rants that Smarthphones and Facebook are hampering relationships and getting people away from each other. I beg to disagree, I would rather stare in my phone and see photos on FB and send Whatsapp messages to people that I am actually friends with then chat idly with people that I am stuck in train with. These things make you possible to stay in touch with people that you liked and were friends with but are no longer together geographically. Blaming phones for getting people away is like saying Cars are actually hampering transportation because sometimes they run over pedestrians.
And with the aid of these friendships you can really search for the qualities in your significant other that are the most important for you. I would not try to be an expert on love and make a declaration on what these qualities should be, to each one their own. But as an observant introvert I would say this, that everyone has their own problems and solutions, emotional baggage and wisdom, shortfalls and qualities. To accept one without the other is like expecting to be a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist like Ironman and also have time to work those 6 pack abs.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Red is the colour of love


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


On this Valentine’s day I wish I could write you a song,
Like that guy with red guitar singing in a bar
Or at least I wish I could write you a poem,
Like that guy with glasses drinking his red wine glasses
I am trying and failing to tell you that I love you today.

The one other time I really want to tell you this,
Is when you wait for me to watch a TV episode on our red sofa.
And when you get me food with extra chilli to make it red.
Or perhaps when you would bake me a red velvet cake.
Also when you say it’s ok after a tiring day when I am seeing red.
And when you decorate the house with yellow lights and red lamps.
Or get me home when I’m drunk and can’t tell green from red.
Even when we laugh ourselves red on our private jokes.

Most definitely when you wear your cute red ninja t shirt.
When you fret yourself crazy when I’m sick or have a red nose.
When you mark your calendar red to remind me to call my mom.
Even when you empty every packet into red boxes.

The only other day that I do love you.
Is the day I breathe and my blood runs red.
Red is the colour of our love;
And will be, till the sun keeps rising red.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Growing up is funny business





Growing up is funny business. For example the whole idea of wearing ties to work is a funny thing, it is laughable to even think that we need even more ties at and to work. The work to-do list has even replaced the singing in the shower. But what is even funnier is the sight of kids playing cricket in a small open area and our hope that they will maybe hit the ball towards you today, so you can throw it back and feel like that you are also a part of their game. Like you are not playing enough games as it is. One game at work, blaming your co-workers in office in front of the boss so that ask for a better rating and appreciating the same people to their face so that you can ask for favours. The game of drinking enough coffee to stay awake through the day and enough whisky to stay asleep through the night. The impossible game of saving enough money to keep the parents happy and spending enough to keep the wife and kids happy. At this time we must remind ourselves that we are not boys anymore.

There is maybe one thing equally droll, which is browsing an electronics shop or shopping website looking for ACs and toasters when an offer on some good speakers catches your eye and you train of thought goes towards all the things your younger self wanted to buy like 350 CC bikes, iPods, gaming consoles and bean bags. It almost feels like they are desires from other life. Because this life has FDs and real estate to take all your savings, and then some more. Who the hell would actually want a guitar? And where is the time and solitude to listen to the songs you wanted to listen anyways, right? It is hilarious why we even wished those things, equally hilarious that tug on the heart still when we think of those things. Quickly now before it gets any worse - we are not boys anymore.

There are other desires as well, most of them half forgotten, fully planned and never realized. All of them are so ridiculous that they border on the farcical. Desires of bike trips, treks in Leh and going to New Zealand for bungee jumping. Side-splitting to think of all these things now, when even meeting friends for a dinner requires juggling work timings, location in the city near to everyone, deciding on which restaurant to go to, promises made to wife etc etc. Promises made to selves have been forgotten long ago though, promises that I will never ask my parents for money anymore, promise to be able to buy the clothes that you really wanted to buy, promise that we will always keep in touch with our friends, promise that one day I will spend an entire week in Goa and do whatever the fuck I wanted. But then we are not boys anymore.

Now when I think of Goa I can think of one thing even more hysterical than the last one; that is planning vacations. The thing that is supposed to make you relaxed is so stressful that I am surprised that all travel portals do not sell medication to lower blood pressure along with their usual stuff. First you have to decide a place where you and your wife want to go, then think of whether your kids will have something to do there, then whether anybody would want to go with you will the dates suit them, whether you will be able to convince your boss to grant you leaves for the vacation, whether the hotel will be good but not too expensive, are you buying the tickets for the right dates and so on and so forth. Then most of us will anyway sleep through it, apart from the time that you are on call with office people or fretting how much over budget this trip is getting on and lastly; an occasional throwback to the time where vacations were a bunch of impromptu plans, fifteen friends coming together on a whim, five minutes of packing, cheap booze and cheap hotel, a night full of antics and hilarious stories. But who would those kind of vacations now, right? I mean we are not boys anymore.

Equally amusing is the constant struggle of us aged people to try to look older and fretting about how we are looking older. We start growing moustaches and beards so as to look older, wardrobe starts seeing addition of only greys, blacks and pastels. Then there are the replacements of bikes with cars, dress watches with sports, polos with round necks and so on. That carefully rehearsed list of hobbies such as reading business magazines, watching Oscar winning movies and taking trips to culturally significant places. Even though we prefer reading Buzzfeed over Business India, David Dhawan over David Lynch and watching Big Boss over visiting Bodh Gaya.  All that is done on the passive mode. Actively we search of white hairs to be clipped from head and beards. Look for gym memberships and affairs with 20 something women. We can’t help chuckling when we think about when once age was a number we had to only calculate while filling in entrance examination forms. But we can’t afford that now, we are not boys anymore.

But the thing which is the most crazy, comical and capricious about this whole thing is the thinking of the reason we even did grow up in the first place. From the point of wanting to get away from home and be free to the point where the thought that you can’t call your dad to fix everything keeps you awake on some nights. The dream of having your own car, your own house is just that, a dream. The house will never will be yours, not at least for another 25 years, and the car is not your getaway machine, it is another thing that require money, maintenance and a constant struggle to keep up with Joneses. Or that odd realization in a lonely hotel room that why you were keeping score of how much you got you forgot to realize that what you actually wanted was something else. The whole thought that the world forced you to grow up and moulded into the thing that you made fun of as a boy is so funny that it hurts while laughing. Or the dawning of the fact that getting older consists not of Hugo Boss suits and mansions but EMIs, long commutes, tuition fees and regret of roads not taken. It is a ‘Killing Joke’. With the infusion of such hilarity in our life I am sure we all ecstatic that we are not boys anymore, right guys?

Guys?

Anyone?