Jai Rajputana !

Before I begin this revolutionary post I must make one thing clear. What I want and what I am going to say is for truly altruistic purpose only, what I have in mind is for the greater good of people, lest my brethren misunderstand me that I am doing this to usurp power or fulfill my fantasies of being a sex sandwich between two Japanese twins (mind you, two super hot, school uniform wearing, lollipop sucking Japanese twins).No. As Samuel L Jackson said in ‘Pulp Fiction’ “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I want to be that good shepherd.

My precious state of Rajasthan has always been sidelined and left off as far as mainstream media or entertainment (these days they both are the same), Punjabis have a total domination over the movies, all the characters in the movies are Punjabis, ‘Mere desh kee mitti’ has to be Punjabi Mitti, there has to be one ‘Hey babe let’s do the Bhangra’ song in the movie. Kashmir has got its terrorism, Mumbai is the city of dreams, Delhi is the national capital, Karnataka has it’s IT companies, UP has got Maywati and Amitabh Bacchan, Bihar has Lalu and the entire Indian Bureaucracy, Andhra now has ‘Telangana’ and the entire North-East got naxalites, what have we got? Nothing, nothing till now. In my 4 years in Bangalore I had a difficult time explaining from where I was, Kota to most South Indians was the place where Devdas went to meet Chandramukhi. And most people had this image that Rajasthan was this huge desert where everyone wore a white Dhoti and Multi-Coloured turban and travelled on Camels. They had a tough time imagining me in that picture, so most people automatically assumed I was from Delhi (don’t’ ask me why, I don’t know myself, in fact I got into a huge fight with my SCMHRD GD group even before the GD stated because of this, they co incidentally were all from Delhi, but this is a story for a different time, back to Rajasthan). And Ironically enough, here in Delhi few people assumed I was from Bangalore (the reason could be my singing Bangalore … Bangalore in every two minutes, but never mind) and some other few assumed I was from Jaipur, no clue as to why again.

Point is that Rajasthan needs a revolution! Nothing like a revolution to up your brand recall and hog the front page of every newspaper. Plus a name change, that also gets a lot of centimeters in news print. I guess nobody here read Shakespeare. Bombay, Calcutta, Madras and even Bangalore got their, now is my time. I am calling it Rajputana! Whoever thinks the name is inspired from the Anurag Kashyap’s movie Gulaal is sadly mistaken, this was the name till ‘Angrezo ka zamana’ and can be found in multiple history books and archived maps. Then some politically correct nationalist (read asshole) changed it to something more socially acceptable. But no more. We are going to break away from the nation that has gives us no place in the movies, very high tax rate on booze, and ignoring in the media. The earlier ruling class, the Rajputs will be put back into place as the rulers, with me being the Supreme head of course after successfully leading the revolution and separation from India, or high chancellor as I would like to call myself.

Jai Rajputana !

Now at this point some people might be thinking that I have gone crazy, some might be thinking of that how that small state is going to survive on his own, some people even might be thinking of handing me over to the police for anti national thinking. To all of you, I urge to read further, as you will soon see I have got it all worked out.

First things first, I need to address the people who might be thinking that after this Rajasthan … errr sorry … Rajputana will become like Afghanistan under Taliban. They need not fear. No restriction of any kind will be put on women about dress or working or anything of that matter, no restriction will be put on facial hair for men. Though perhaps shorter skirts and deeper blouses might fetch girls extra marks in government schools and hotter and scantily clad women might be given slight privilege in government jobs. But hey, nobody is stopping you from wearing anything. Similarly a thick long moustache is not compulsory for men, just that without that they might lose promotions in jobs or might be taken to the police station at 3 in the night on suspicion of anti-nationalist activities. So as I said no restrictions of any kind, prostitution will be legalized with designated red light areas in cities and government subsidy on production of condoms, sex toys and lubricants and of course porn. We need to catch up with Europe fast. Drugs would be legalized too, in fact 100 grams of grass will be added to the Ration list of BPL families and sincere effort would be made to rehabilitate them by getting them into either prostitution or drugs business (sex notwithstanding, as there will be no article 377 in RPL, Rajputana Penal Code).

As somebody had pointed out water shortage would be a problem here, even if we do not consider the Indira Gandhi Canal and the rivers Chambal and Banas the solution is simple. Beer. Yes you heard (read) it correct, beer. Who needs water if we have beer to drink and clothes can be dry cleaned and toilet paper is made mandatory. We will have coke (the non powdered variety) for the kids. Water bottles will be opened only in the case of celebrations, like champagne in the less fortunate parts of the world. We can of course buy water in case you need to take a bath or cook with it, which would be rare too because everything will be A.C. and roasted lamb with beer will be the staple diet. But as I said we can buy the water with all the money we would be making. Let me tell you how.

Did you know what was Las Vegas before Bugsy? A barren piece of land in the middle of a desert, just like few small towns of Rajasthan. Now it is the most happening place on earth. And why? Because gambling was legalized in Nevada and it was the centre of all the action. Now it makes $ 52,543,138,852 per year and is a shining star of the U.S.A. Imagine lots of Casinos and 5 star hotels just near you. The Sin City just in your neighborhood! No US Visa required, no astronomical rates in Dollars. Just bad, dirty ..errr… I mean good, clean fun. Of course all the money which the gamblers lose, which is a lot, will be going into government coffers. You can even think of that as people investing into government bonds. With a saving rate like that ….. 15% growth rate to kahin nahi gayi.

Second is tourism. Any Idiot can think of this. Who doesn’t want to come to a place where prostitution is legal, drugs are legal, booze is cheaper than water and girls are encouraged to wear skimpy clothes? There will not much hassles of Visa and there are plenty of open places to build airports. Especially in Kota which would be like the Los Angeles of Rajputana. Other than that there will be plenty of other initiatives to boost tourism like an multimillion dollar ad campaign done by O&M, shoot on sight order for anyone who misbehaves with tourist, honest and helpful cops (such a thing though entirely fictional now, will exist in Rajputana) etc. Plus there would be two more mega projects which would push tourist numbers through the roof. The first would be a nude beach, before you jump to any silly question like “You need a sea to have a beach” let me walk you through the example of Dubai which recently built an island and is now building a refrigerated beach What we just need is money which I told you we would be making mountainfuls of, we have all the sand and the sun (trust me about the sun), what we just need now is 10 Km by 10 Km indoor water pool, and enough water to keep it filled 365 days of year, minor issues if you ask me. Of course we would be getting a lot of rainfall too, more on that later. Second is a model village, no it is not those model villages where they try to show that the self sufficient village concept or the khadi concept or the Panchayat raj still works. It will be model village simply because it will have hundreds of super sexy models playing the village girls in it 24X7. 20 – 30 of them will always be cat walking in the fields or swinging in the swings hanging from the trees with the music “Banna re baag mae jhula padiyan” playing in the background. Another 20 – 30 will have the sole task from drawing water from well and then pouring it on themselves a la Yana Gupta in the movie Manorama (it’ll not be water of course and well’s pulley would be motorized. The rest of them will be doing odd chores around the village like cleaning an already vacuum cleaned floor or pulling out Rotis from Microwave Oven made to look like Angeethis and then serving it to guests. The men of course will have nothing to do except to twirl their moustache, smoke a Hukka or to cater to the women - ‘Dand Pelna’ and ‘Mugdar Pelna’.

Rajasthan Royals would be our national cricket team and that and Camel Racing would be our national games. Cactus’ flowers can be the national flower and the Crow will be our national bird. Tiger will be of course our National Animal. In case you are one of those environmentalists (read pussy) don’t worry we are very conservative about the environment. I understand there are only 1400 tigers left (I am not counting those 11 Bengal Tigers which are as good as finished by the time you would read this). We will do everything in our power to save and increase the number of tigers in Ranthambore ,and no by that we do not mean joining the ‘Save Tigers’ and ‘Stripey the Cub’ groups on Facebook. I mean actual work, like spreading of special Tiger Viagra Pills where tigers come to hunt and all night broadcast of Tiger Porn on huge screens (in a cage of course, we don’t want claw marks or holes in the screen) outside their dens, abolition of tiger board exams which lead to huge number of suicides of cubs and many other things. And we are going to only allow electric cars and camel carts to ply on the road. This way we can shift all the pollution from the cities to the villages where the power generation plants are located. Cool na? And for the Camel Cart thing, the same reason Victoria was allowed to run in Bombay and Stagecoaches still run in London, for a sense of History and pride. But standard pet rules apply (If your camel does it, you have to clean it).

And lastly the most important thing, what will help us in our economy and our national security. The Oil. Petroleum. The Black Gold! I know what you are thinking at this point. “What Oil buddy? This is Rajasthan not the Middle East. Two things here. First of all there are huge oil reserves here. They are just waiting to be found. In fact 500 million barrels have already been found. Refer to the Cairn report for details. And second thing, from now on if you even think of Rajputana as Rajasthan I will have you shot. Rajputs are known for both their Valor and Intolerance. Now, of course we will have friendly relations with India, not only because we share a lot of common history and culture but also I will send all their politicians on an all expense paid trip to Sin City here in Rajputana, with complimentary one million worth of chips to gamble and two prostitutes per night. (Tiwari jee, you got caught a little too early, imagine this). Cordial relations guaranteed.

And now about the other nation which shares boundaries with us. Which is famous of training terrorists and shipping weapon and fake currency notes into India. No, I’m not talking of Dongri-La. Tehalka though being the one of the most finest creations on celluloid is still, alas, only a movie. I am talking of the real country. We are gonna sell them cheaper oil than anyone else. If they attack us, simple, no more oil for them. They would know the great Rajput tradition of Johar (if they castle fell and the womenfolk thought they were about to be captured or worse, then they used to light up this huge bonfire in the middle of the castle. No you pervert, not to have on last great big orgy, but to commit suicide. And jump into it. We are going to do the same, in case somebody attacks us and we can’t repel them then we are going to self destruct the nuclear power plant in Rawatbhata. We are going to take down along with us, everything of value, the oil wells and the enemy that would have entered our boundaries. Ha! I know you would be scared now. But as the motto of Rajputana Rifles goes – “Veer Bhogya Vasundhara” (Nothing to do with our dynamic ex C.M. Vasundhara Raje, it means “Only the brave deserve the earth”)

I’m sure by now you realize that Utopia (Ram Rajya for the traditionalists) exists even if in just my imagination. As the great poet Anirudh Singh Chauhan said “Agar Utopia zami asto , ami asto , ami asto”. (If Utopia exists on earth, it is here, it is here). This is a call to the arms. A patriot must always be ready to defend his own country even against its government”. So say in one voice with me.

“Jai Rajputana”!

P.S. - Post Inspired by the B.C (Banal Conversation) between me and Akshat Govila, Ankit Khandelwala and Anuj Sharma in Kashmir.