Day 0 - Final Part

Day -200 (Year 2 begins)

Recession has hit the job market with full force. There is no 2 day placement for the senior batch anymore, no multiple offers, no picks and choose. The shattered dreams of the senior batch can be seen lying around the campus.
All the dream companies of MBA have either bankrupted or are in major retrenchment. The papers are full of stories of doom, like apocalypse is here. Everybody has the living light scared out of them.

Day -199

MBA decides to Major in Marketing and Minor in Finance reckoning that he can sit for maximum companies though his interest is in neither and his dream job is WPM (Whichever Pays More)

Day -180

MBA is being asked to launch new products in the market, increase brand loyalty and implement CRM in an organization. The MBA makes the most grandiose of plans and most arduous of recommendations. And like expected he is getting good grades for it. Last project where he made common-sensical recommendations and tried to get the basics right did not go well with the professor, notes to self made.

Day -100

MBA is full chillaxed now. Hardly ever reads the cases or prepare for the quizzes and thanks god for relative grading. Most of his time is either spent in participating in B-School competitions or trying to get a live project.

Day -70

MBA participates into a jingle making competition, a stock market game and an operations quiz. After all using Google and depending upon luck doesn’t require any specialization. The hunt for any and every kind of certificates and need for CV bullet point starts again.

Day -60

MBA works his ass off to get a live project. The feeling of hard work after so long is surprisingly good. Though MBA had already decided not to work at all in this project from now. If they are not giving him the certificate now to put in his CV then it’s no use, and if they are giving him a certificate now to put in his CV then also it’s no use to work anymore.

Day -30(Lateral Placements Begin)

There is a buzz in the campus. Everybody is running around carrying their Kotlers, Micro Economics and Finance books. Some IT stalwarts are even seen carrying their JAVA and Oracle books.

Rumor Mill is working overtime too. Every other day there is news of one XYZ college who is visited by a top notch company which will not be coming to our campus or a ABC company who picked up 15 people from some other campus though only picking 2 from ours and lastly the PQR company who is giving a better package and profile to an equivalent college of ours.

MBA wonders why he and his campus is the centre of all misfortune in the universe.

Day -29

The most disturbing rumor of it all. The FMCG Company he did summers in isn’t giving out PPOs this year. People console him by saying “You’ll surely have an edge when the company comes to recruit from the campus”, but rumor has it that the company isn’t hiring this season. People again console by saying “You surely will have an edge on everybody else as your Summers is the most important part of the CV”

Day -28

The fat balding Bengali guy who came here after 4 years of IT work-ex and whom everybody made fun of got into a MNC IT company on the profile – Consultant! MBA has not been even able to raise his dropped jaw when he hears that he that it might be the highest package in the campus this year.

Day -7 (Week before Placement week)

The bomb is dropped on the batch by the placecom when they announce the news everybody dreaded. Not many companies are lined up for the placement week, the packages are going to be bad this year too, their major recruiters are not coming back to the campus and yes, his company hasn’t offered a PPO to anyone this year.
“So much for the recovery and green shoots in the papers. Somebody shoot them or shoot me”, MBA thinks.

Day -6

People have taken this news two ways, half have resigned themselves to their fate and waiting with their head hanging for whatever that will happen, the other half is panicky and has started calling everyone from their earlier colleagues, job consultants to their exes for a job. They have dived into books with new vigor and are begging the placecom to let them tweak their CVs one more time.

Day -1 (The night before Day 0)

MBA is nervousness personified. After pouring through his Kotler, Finance, Operations and ever HRM book once the MBA is still unsure of the difference between retrenchments, firing and layoffs. Whether a Master Planning schedule is made first or a MRP. He runs backs to book whenever he forgets the definition of service marketing, full form of MRP – II and difference between Active vs. Passive ETF Investing.

He has everything from a MR as his summers, to a finance live project to a HR quiz won in his CV.

Plus the there is 10 companies whose websites I need to see and check out their balance sheets, P&L account. And not to forget the ICRA reports on their respective Industries.

DAY 0 –

MBA has been shortlisted in a Consulting Firm, a MR firm, a MNC bank, a life insurance firm and a automobile company for the day. He had applied for all as all of them fit the criteria of WPM.
First interview is the big Consulting Firm

He thinks – Do this well and you are set for life!

Consulting Firm –

Partner in the firm- So MBA why consulting?

MBA – This is my dream company. Sir all my life I have been a generalist rather than a specialist and consulting will give me exposure to all kind of sectors and will quench my thirst for knowledge… Blah Blah Blah…
MR Firm –

HR – So why Marketing Research?

MBA – This is my dream company. Ma’am I think I am good in research and MR is a very good way to get into the field of marketing where you can directly see the result of all marketing activities … Blah Blah Blah…

MNC Bank –

HR - Why our Bank MBA?

MBA – This is my dream company. Your Brand Name has the kind of reputation which no other bank enjoys in the market. In last year’s recession when all the major banks either perished or had to be bailed out your back was one of the few who were fiscally sound…. Blah Blah Blah ….

Life Insurance Company –

HR – So why this sector?

MBA – This is my dream sector .India as a county is very under penetrated when it comes to Insurance and thus there is a immense potential this sector and according to the latest IRDA report … Blah Blah Blah ….

Automobile Company –

HR – Why the Automobile Sector?

MBA begins to wonder whether there is some HR Penal Code by which they will be tried if they did not ask this question. The Placecom has already told them that I am on four other processes and they are the only automobile company on the campus so they should know that I am just trying to get a job like they did when they first passed out.

MBA – This is my dream company. Being an Engineer I was always fascinated by machines and what better machines there are than automobiles? And the automotive sector has started to pick up again… According to the latest SIAM report …. Blah Blah Blah ….

Rejected Everywhere!

MBA is astounded to see the most of the scumbags and free riders of the batch are through and not to mention the girls! While the batch topper, the half the placecom and the Finance whizkids (read cleared CA / CFA / FRM/ etc etc) and the Marketing Gurus are still here.

Lesson 3 of MBA – All is takes, is to be in the right place at the right time. Luck or any other synonym of it does matter!

Day 1 –

Shortlisted in a Indian Bank –

Panelist – Why our bank?
MBA – I was always interested in a bank. Management of risks in Bank was my favorite topic….

Panelist (interrupting him) – But we are offering the profile of Relationship manager so you won’t be working with the risk management group. Havent you seen the JD we had sent and our PPT?

MBA (foot in his mouth) – Yes Sir. But I wasn’t clear on the JD. I mean I was. I thought I could switch afterwards from CASA selling to Risk Management.

Panelist – No you can’t.

MBA (Irritated, he wants to shout “I am a MBA from a top notch B-School and you are some bank PO, you don’t get to tell me shit.”) – I don’t think I’ll be able to perform very well in this role then Sir. I’m sorry.

After two more rejections his friends gather around him. Many pieces of infinite wisdom fly his way.

“Don’t worry something better will come your way. “ Don’t worry you’ll get placed in some company. ““Our college people are fools they don’t know how to push students. ““ Oh, you shouldn’t have said that in the interview. ““You should have given NCFM along with me, that’s what every bank requires. ““ Actually with your engineering background you should have been prepared for manufacturing companies. ““Here, wear this tie when you go in for interview next time, this is my lucky tie. ““Say this in the interview next time… Blah Blah…“

Day 2 –

Only one shortlist in a new telecom company.

MBA thinks – Now I am screwed for life

MBA finally gets through for the role of sales manager at a meager salary compared to his classmates.

Day 100 –

After his MBA and the so called orientation the MBA is thrown into a small town for looking into the town’s sales and to supposedly learn. MBA tries all his customer engagement, brand building and sales management knowledge into it but nothing seems to be working.

MBA also realizes it’s no use wearing a suit to the office. In fact he was the laughing stock of the office.

Day 101 –


MBA unlearns all the strategic planning, keeping the strategic intent of the company in the company in view before sales planning etc etc. There is no brand building to be done here, he does not have to design the distribution model or to set the pricing and he has no say in the capital structure of the firm either.

So much for all the subjects taught in the MBA course!

MBA loses his tie too

Day 200 –

MBA realizes that running a business has little to do with cramming up AIDA model and CAPM equations. It’s more about common sense, managing people and having a good sense of things to come. And of course also about keeping your boss happy.

Day 3650 – Ten years have passed since MBA faced his day 0 in the same college. Now he returns as the Marketing head. He had a fast track growth in a then small company that grew by leaps and bound in those years and left competition behind.

MBA arrives on Day 0 in his alma mater to pick up students for his organization along with the HR team. His company has managed to get a day 0 slot because of its package offered and the number they are looking to pick up.

MBA – Tell me something about yourself…..

Other MBA – Sir …..

Maybe now the circle is complete

Lesson 1 of life – The race is hard and long. But in the end it’s only with yourself. Sometimes you might think you are ahead ,sometimes you think you lag behind but you can never win or lose until it’s over.

Day 0 - Part 2

Day -550 (First day of B-School) –

MBA enters the hallowed portals of the B-School.

He thinks – Now I am set for life!

Around a hundred other bespectacled, out of shape geeks are lined for the orientation too. MBA looks around for. Well what every guy looks around for when entering a room. Girls, few and far between, out of shape and geeky too.

There is a buzz in the room. People are shaking hands and introducing themselves everywhere. Introductions are always followed by questions like background, work-ex, finance or marketing. Some people from blue blooded colleges are following it up with “Oh good, me too. Which batch?” MBA gets a degrading look and a half smile from few people with lesser hair on their head than his whenever he mentions the word ‘Fresher’. Few hours in the college and he is already feeling out of place.

Everybody falls silent when the Director arrives to address the batch. He hears the words Leadership, Innovation, Manager, Organization, Time Management interspersed in the speech umpteen numbers of times. He finishes the speech with saying that their curriculum here will be extremely rigorous and demanding but also fun. He is still wondering about the meaning of the last oxymoronic statement when one other professor arrives for his session. After 2 days of grueling orientation he is more disoriented than oriented but he starts to understand the meaning of rigorous curriculum.

Day -548 (First day of classes) –

People are sizing up each other after the first round of introductions and have started discussing electives, last year’s placements, other college placements etc. MBA guesses the time of making friends is over, now they all just Network.

MBA is reeling under the literal weight of the books and reading materials that has been thrown his way in the beginning of the term when the professor in the end adds that they should read a business newspaper daily, as well as industry journals and reports and also some other books in the library for further reading.

Second professor who he saw walking stooped in the foyer today enters the class and starts thundering and makes a class full of 50 hot-shots feel worthless and unknowledgeable. So much for being the top 2% of country’s brain. Then he moves on to prove that every company in the country, no actually world-wide is worthless. MBA starts wondering why this gentleman isn’t the CEO of Microsoft or GE or any company for that matter. He looked like such a poor old man in the morning at least.

Day -540 (Second week of MBA)

There is mad rush of getting in the clubs or organizing committees. All the seniors pitch about their club which according to them is doing everything for the college and getting the all so important placements for college. They ask for CVs, SOPs, Presentations and a zillion other things. The shortlisted ones would be called for an interview. His bubble of ‘all this shit is behind me now’ bursts. He misses the deadline of one club by 12 minutes and thus not considered. He realizes how Professional (read A**holes) his seniors are. After making a million false promises of working hard and devoting his life for that club, he gets through in one. He soon realizes though that there are as many clubs members as they are students in the college. Everybody needs one more bullet point in their CV.

When he finally gets to breathe amidst the club work, group work, reading and class preparation he gets an e-mail asking for his CV for the summer internships. He starts Googling for Career Objectives while wondering isn’t summer internships in summers? Even winter hasn’t begun yet.

Day -539

MBA wants to quit. He realizes he is not cut out for this. And getting a D in the quiz confirmed. His getting here was some cruel joke played upon him by god. He cannot possibly do all this work and attend all the classes too.

Plus he is flabbergasted by his classmates. One guy who once admitted writing CAT four times before this argued why Indian B-Schools allow people with no work-ex who don’t have the required corporate exposure and understanding of management, into MBA.
One guy after copying everything from Wikipedia argues that he conducted an exhaustive secondary research for the group work and thus added the most value to the project. While his other group mate excused herself because of not being well and adding ‘female problem’ when prodded further. The next day she was seen showing pictures of herself and her boyfriend who was in town yesterday for a meeting.

He is also made aware of the concept unknown to lesser mortals (non MBAs) of having an in-campus and one off-campus boyfriend/girlfriend.

Day -450 (somewhere in the middle of the 1st year) –

He gets a project to make the marketing strategy for GM and an assignment to understand the Branding strategy of P&G. Delusions of Grandeur start forming in his head.

Day -420

He is being taught Brand Management, Optimal Capital Structure, Strategy Formulation, International Marketing etc etc. More Delusions.

Day -365 (Summer Placements begin)

The same grind of Shorlisting, GDs and Interviews begin again.
One big shot FMCG arrives on campus which is said to dole out PPOs like free advice from neighboring Aunties.

Intern Selection process begins.

He thinks – Do this well and you are set for life!

After a never ending process of GDs and double interviews he is finally taken for a Psychometric test. The HR explains it is to determine cultural fit in the organization and whether the candidate is a team player. MBA thinks this company is so good; it takes summer recruitment very seriously. I am 100% in for a very good project as well as a PPO. He gets through.

He thinks – Now I am set for life!

Day -290 (First day of Summer Internship)

MBA arrives in the office to report, full of enthusiasm. He is little disappointed when the security stops him from entering the office and after 30 minutes and 4 phone calls he is allowed in. But this dampens his spirits. This is first corporate exposure after all.
MBA and his co passengers in the raft (it’s too small to be called a boat) of summer trainees again undergo orientation where his Mentor (read the person unlucky enough to be burdened with them) gives an energetic speech and ends with saying that he hopes they all will have a prosperous career with the company and they should come to him if they need any guidance.
He then disappears for a cigarette break and returns visibly irritated after half an hour and sweating. He throws towards them tons of literature about the company and asks them to read up everything by tomorrow. That was all for today.

Day -289 (second day of summer internship)

MBA arrives the second day brimming with confidence to take the problem by the horns that he is been asked in to solve. He realizes he only has 2 months so he better start working from today.
While he is still day dreaming about how he is going to use his MBA fundas to solve the problem he is called by his mentor. His mentor throws him a set of 20 page questionnaires and asks him to get it filled by at least 600 people and get the addresses of the shops to visit from his junior. He again repeats his offer to be of guidance and then starts looking at his laptop again

The junior most guy revels in the pleasure of having someone below him for the first time while he makes MBA wait for half an hour just to send him the file containing the addresses.

Day -288 (third day of summer internship)

Standing the blazing April sun the MBA wonders why for getting a few forms filled they needed to check my communication skills, marketing knowledge and my organizational fit.
When the third aunty refuses to divulge her choice of washing powder he starts asking himself whether his April 1st joining date was just a co incidence or part of something far more sinister.

Day -280

When he arrives in the office after tragically managing to only get 16 forms filled in 8 days he thinks he needs some Guidance and knocks on his Mentor’s cabin. He is politely asked to come later as he is busy. After seeing his mentor take 2 coffee breaks, 4 cigarette breaks and an hour long lunch break the MBA starts losing it.

After ignoring him for days finally the mentor asks how his project is going. MBA replies not good and says nobody to ready to fill the form and it is very difficult for him to get it done in time and which analysis he needs to do after finishing the questionnaires. Mentor replies to hang in there and lectures him on the tough life in the field and tough life in general and leaves for his cabin.
Frustrated he calls his other classmates to find out how they are doing. He is delighted to find out one other guy has been asked to do tele-sales and one girl just arranges the desk of her mentor and googles for the data he requires.

Life is not so bad after all.

Day -240 (last week of internship) –

MBA realizes that there is no way he can complete the 600 forms now and starts remembering the names of his remotest of relatives to fill the forms himself.

Day -235 (last day of internship)

MBA submits a 100 page thick report on his findings containing 39 pages of company history and structure and 4 pages to thank everyone from the CEO to the peon of the company. He makes a presentation dazzling with obscure charts, excel sheet links, and company changing findings. Even the division head applauds the presentation and says he would like to review the report too.

MBA hands over one spiral bound color printed copy to him too knowing full well that it will never see the light of day again.

He too is becoming seasoned now. Baptism by fire.

Lesson 2 of MBA - All business is show business.

(to be continued)

Day Zero

In every MBA’s life the most important day is the day 0 of placements. Everything else is peripheral noise surrounding it. At day 0 dreams are full filled or shattered and futures are made or ruined. People judge each other’s worth by the package and day of the placement.

The term day 0 was introduced to placate the egos of other MBAs who are in the recruiting side. Perhaps day 2 was too demeaning to them to recruit on so the concept of day 0 was introduced so that the second day people can still have day 1. The students felt better too, who wouldn’t want to be recruited on day 1 rather than day 2?

Everything else in the life of MBA can be referenced taking day 0 as origin. Day 0 was all he ever came into MBA for.

Day -1095 ( Day minus one thousand and ninety five or three years before Day 0) –

MBA participates in the Debate competition, Rangoli competition and in the Treasure hunt in the college fest to get certificates for help in his MBA admission. He will tell himself as an excellent Communicator, Creatively inclined or Team worker & Problem solver depending upon the competition he wins.

And of course there is the blood donation camp and the volunteering in the college fest.

Day -900 (or three months before the CAT) –

MBA is working hard to mug the tables till 30, squares till 25, Baye’s theorem, shortcut for calculating percentages and the GRE word list.

Day -810 (CAT day or the D day as it is referred to) –

MBA tries to peek in the question booklet while trying to keep the sweat forming on his brows in the November cold from falling on the OMR sheet. His heart is in his mouth. The hard work of preparing for the CAT, the mock CATs on early Sunday Morning when the whole world slept, the missed Saturday night parties, the endless quant questions...

He thinks – Do this well and you are set for life!

Day -750 (CAT results announced) –

Yeehaw! A good percentile! Imaginary Champagne bottles pop open in his head. He thinks which college to go to, which specialization to take, what tie to wear for Interviews.

He thinks – Now I am set for life!

Day -735 (The calls have come in)

MBA panics on reading the last year’s GD topic and the Interview Questions on Pagalguy.com. What the hell is “All chickens are Hamburgers” supposed to mean? And has no clue about whether India should India go in for 100% Capital Account Convertibility. Nor did he care about the Victims of Haiti, the GDP of his home state, capital of Namibia and the e-governance in Andhra.

In his panic he subscribes to WSJ, McKinsey Quarterly, The Hindu, ET, The Economist and starts reading UNDP report, Investopedia, and his old college books.

Asks everyone what to say in strength/weakness, ten year plan, whether to say Marketing or Finance, why MBA and others.

Day -700 (Day of the first Interview)

GD Topic – Should reality shows be banned?

MBA (After no one letting him speak for first 3 mins) – Yes reality shows should be banned in India they are corrupting the moral fibre of the nation’s youth... According to a recent survey in India Today 70% of India’s youth lacks ethics and we as youth...(Somebody cuts him and then the discussion goes to lack of morals in youth, promiscuity and ways to promote safe sex)

MBA thinks maybe the moderators noticed me.

Interview –

MBA – Good Morning Sirs and Ma’am! (Showing teeth and his most enthusiastic voice though he hasn’t had water since morning and feels like fainting)

Panellists – Good morning Mr. MBA. Tell me something about yourself.

MBA – Sir I was born in ...My father is ... My little brother Chintu likes mint candies... Blah Blah...

Panellists – Stop. We did not ask about your family history. So how was your GD?

MBA – It was good. I made a very important point in the GD that gave it a new direction.

Panellists – So you think that shouting in the middle of the GD was the best you could do?

MBA – No I meant ...... (This is not what he had imagined)

Now on the back foot. He replies everything in an earnest but calculative tone. Speaks about his true Strength and weakness, and admits he has no idea yet where he sees himself 10 years from now. And he is doing MBA because MBA jobs pay better.

The Panellists are scandalized. There is a moment of silence in the room like he admitted being ‘Jack the Ripper’.He realizes that no one has given them this answer.

Panellists – So you just want to do MBA for money? You have no greater goal in life? And you have no long term vision! And how are going to be a manager if you are slow at learning things? Blah Blah...

After 10 more minutes of grilling.

Panellists – Thank you MBA. You may leave now. All the best for your other calls.

Rejected!

Day -690 (Second Interview Call)

After the same grind of GD, Essay, Psychometric Tests and others, MBA reaches to the Interview room.

MBA – Good Morning Sirs and Ma’am! (Showing teeth and his most enthusiastic voice though he has a headache and his heart is pounding)

Panellists – Good morning Mr. MBA. Tell me something about yourself.

MBA – I did my schooling from... My College from ... And now I wish to pursue MBA.

Panellists – So this is all that is there to know about you?

MBA – No there is lot more I was the head boy captain of my school cricket team, I played badminton at district level, (seeing panellist nodding) I won the Rangoli competition in my college , I organized the blood donation camp in my college and also the college fest.

Panellists – Very good. So why MBA?

MBA – (mistaking their smirk for a smile) Sir I wish to be an entrepreneur. And use the skills that I learn to add value to the nation’s economy and provide jobs for the poor people of India.

The panellists lose it by now. Not only had the last guy said the exact same thing but this one likes to use jargon a lot too.

Panellists – So why didn’t you apply to National Institute for Entrepreneurship & Small Business? What skills are that you plan to use? Have you thought of any venture yet? How many ml of blood is taken out from one donator once? What is the weight of the cricket ball? What is the size of the Badminton court?

MBA drowns under the barrage of questions and his own unpreparedness.

Rejected Again!

Day -660 (Third and final interview call)

He thinks – Do this well and you are set for life!

Again the same grind of essays, extempore, GDs. By now MBA has learnt the capital of all West African countries, India’s GDP breakup, Human Development Index reports, Petro-Dollar Warfare, meaning of Debt to Income Ratio, number of malaria deaths in Taiwan, and also something from his mistakes.

MBA Spins a fantastic story about how his poor father was an electrician who always saw his son becoming the CEO of GE and this is his life’s dream. How he worked hard juggling his studies and his father’s work through school and college. How he showed leadership skills when once the entire college had blacked out right before the annual day and he repaired the transformer core by leading a team of 5 other students and by putting in a new core.

The panellists are visibly impressed. This is a new one ever for them. No surprise he gets through. And also the fact that there were no electrical engineers in the panel who could realize that repairing the transformer is no joke.

Lesson 1 of MBA – Bullshit can get you everywhere!

(To be continued....)