Idiot's guide to Living a fabulous life on Facebook

You, yes you. Are you an ugly geek with a knack of putting people of with your talk or are you a self righteous bitch with an eating disorder? Do you secretly hate, loathe and despise yourself and everyone around you. Do you don’t want seem to seen as a loser by the people around you? Do you want everyone to envy your pathetic life? Do you had all these problems and more and didn’t know who to ask. Don’t despair, help is here, following these simple advice even a good-for-nothing slob like you can make a few people jealous. You too can have a fabulous life that turns people green or at least on Facebook.

And the key to all this is Facebook. Yes Facebook the site where you logon once in a while to find that you have no notifications and to look at pictures of good looking girls/guys. If you don’t have a huge number of friends on FB already start adding people immediately, don’t worry about knowing them, with your social skills the names of all your friends could be very well written on a page that you had in front of you to doodle on a two hour long phone call. Plus your friends already know what kind of a fucktard you are, so don’t worry about them. The real meat is in the acquaintances, the people who know you but hardly know you. So keep adding everyone who you faintly recognize and pray that the other person is stupid enough to approve your request. The guy who sat in the bus near you once or the girl whom you lech at across your floor in the office are all green zones. After your circle of acquaintances is complete you go right along to Phase-2.

Now the task is to create an interesting persona. The days of “Hi sexy babes I want to be frands with you so add me” or “I’m a cute sweet girl who wants to be friends with all the smart and nice guys and gals” are over. Nor a picture of Hrithik Roshan or a little girl holding a flower will do as a profile pic. The picture has to be you, but again ‘you’ here is a very fluid concept here. You are butt ugly, not even you will like looking at yourself, and you know that you don’t have a good angle. So the trick is to show yourself without really showing yourself. For guys take a photo of yourself wearing a dark helmet sitting on a borrowed bike, girls take a photo of your bare leg with some jewellery on it or perhaps your hands with Mehandi on it. For girls the more skin the better it is, for guys the reverse is true. Do some R&D on what are the in books, movies and TV shows these days, here not being a complete moron certainly helps. Add books like Motorcycle Diaries or The Ferrari Years for guys and Grapes of Wrath and the Postman always Rings Twice for girls should do it, add a few TV shows like FRIENDS or HIMYM which everyone with half a brain can like and few movies like Black Swan, The Bicycle Thief, Lost in Translation which shows that only you have a good taste but you are also deep. The final touch is liking a number of senseless pages like Dunhill, Lamborghini and Johnnie Walker or Prada, Jimmy Choo and PETA depending on your gender. Now the foundation is laid. Time for Action!

The whole plan stems from basic human insecurity. Everyone thinks that everyone else has better looks, a better partner, a better job, a better car, all in all a better life. What do they say about green grass on the side? You know your life sucks but the others don’t and that’s what you have to do to them, show them how much fun you are having and what they are missing out on. And the key to it is regular status updates and uploading photos. You know that the five minutes in shower thinking about your old English teacher or stuffing your face with chocolate pastries is the high point of your day, but other don’t have to know that. For example, got drenched in the rain while coming back from office? Write: ”Had an awesome bike ride in the rain” as your status update. Met your classmates in the canteen after a weekend while cribbing over the same food for years? Write: Neha and Sonia it was so good seeing you after so long. And the Aaloo Puri, Yummm… Love you darlings”. The MD himself came down to jack you for being the biggest shit magnet in his company write: “Very busy day. Meeting with MD today”. Got drunk in the cheapest bar (Raj Lakshmi Bar) near you while making a fool of yourself? Write: Crazy night with friends. Beer at RLB Rocks!!” Stuck at home with nothing to do except to watch the 19^th Re-Run of Alice in Wonderland? Write: “Tim Burton you are a magician. Never have I seen such a ethereal combination.” Got dragged to a boring cultural program by your parents? Write: “Watched a great performance of Bharatnatyam in the Grand Auditorium, never realized India is so blessed with culture before tonight”

Cryptic or leading status messages are also welcome. Something like “All set to rock. Weekend here I come” works well even if you have nothing to look forward except doing your laundry on the weekend. And we all know how important relationships are for women so keep hinting towards your mystery man with status updates like “Missing you so much, wish you were here L ….” You don’t have to mention that you meant your dog.

Now comes the tricky part, the photos. You have to be regular uploading those but you still have to be aware of the quality or people will soon find out what a twat you really are. For guys the modus operandi is like this, first get off your lazy ass, go out, you don’t really have to do something, just pose for photos. Going out with a big group is always advisable, people’s tolerance for stupidity is high in a crowd, plus someone in the group will do something make sure to pose exactly like he did. Sit in the raft with the safety gear and get a photo and then get the hell out as you know you are scared shitless, can’t drink even a beer without puking guts all over the next guy? Shouldn’t stop you from posing with a beer. And remember always be ready to jump in front of the camera every time anyone is getting their picture taken regardless of whether they want you in or not. And if there are girls in that group it is Manna from heaven, make sure to be included in the girl’s group photos, nothing gets the envy quotient up like a seeing another guy with 8 girls around him. For overkill ask every girl one by one to have a photo with you, of course it is creepy but you have never had a chance with them anyway. Easier way would be to just happen to be around when she was getting her photo clicked and just slide in saying “Hey we don’t have a photo together, do we?” And then start grinning like an idiot looking towards the camera without waiting for her answer.  For women some part can even be done indoors, just hug or roll around with your friends or soft toys. Or get a makeover and then pose around your house in every angle you can think of, some guys who are even more desperate than you are going to praise it, then keep replying thanks to everyone personally even to the people who just clicked ‘like’, that’ll increase the number of comments making it top news. Go to the mall and hoard all your friend’s shopping bags and get a photo taken, make a caption “Day out in the mall with the girls, shopped till I drop”, even though all you bought was a bottle of cheap fairness cream. Pose around with every new dress or accessory that you bought and write “Gifted by a special someone ;-)”, which is not entirely untrue, you are special, even your teacher had the same opinion when she wanted to send you to special school. Remember when showing skin more is less, then get random  off topic discussion going on them so that they stay in news, even better is to put up with a caption “OMG I look so fat in this” then some idiot will say “No, not at all, you look fabulous sweetie”. I hope you get the drift.

Keep going like this and soon you would have won enough admirers to garner an iota of self-confidence and make your pitiful life a little better.But remember when in doubt don’t do it, or at least copy from someone else, not many people will know that “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt“ was by Mark Twain and not you. And be careful not to actually become friends with your friends of Facebook, because only "on the Internet nobody knows you are a dog".

And when all this works for you remember to send me some money, I’m bankrupt after my Pattaya Trip.

P.S. - Find more guides for Idiot's like you here - B Schoolers, Living among guys, Manipulate and abuse people 

Coming Soon - James Bong: The Spy Who Scrapped Me

The Dark Passenger

“You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.  Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.” – Dr. James Wilson: From House M.D.

The image you see above has been my laptop wallpaper for quite some time. Most considered the image disturbing, disgusting even and always asked me why such a wallpaper. As always for these things, I had no 

answer. It is as Dexter describes my ‘dark passenger’.

I wished the story ended here but my morbid fascination with death, the undead and likes doesn’t end here. I am and always was fascinated by vampires, the concept of using someone’s blood to stay immortal appealed to me ever since I was a kid. I have seen pretty much all vampire movies which are out there, except Twilight that is. I don’t really like to see an animal blood drinking; humane, goody two shoes vampire. I like my vampires cold, chilling and bloodthirsty. I used to hang onto sites like vampiresfreaks.com, vampirescene.com a lot once.

My favorite TV series are Dexter, House, The Mentalist where the protagonist is damaged by some trauma and is maniacal, self destructive and is addicted to something or the other. I have seen Dev D at least 100 times and continue to do that every time I get drunk alone. I get severe bouts of what I call the ‘Devdas Syndrome’, I shut myself in my room and start drinking alone and all the dark thoughts inside come rushing out. It is when sleeping monster in the depths of my brain snap his eyes open, Max Payne’s words, my favorite video game, where again the character has self destructive behavior, insomnia, inner demons, disturbing monologues, the whole works.

I became a big time insomniac after my messy once-upon-a-time break-up and still have relapses, I couldn’t sleep for four months once and I get those episodes again. I have trouble falling asleep on most nights. Most times I either listen to music till I fall asleep to silence the inner voice which keeps me awake or I drink myself to unconsciousness. My fascination with alcohol is well known even though I am not a heavy drinker, amount wise at least. I am still a light sleeper and wake up on the slightest disturbances and have trouble sleeping back again.

My sarcasm, cynicism and habitual mocking are well known too. Defense mechanisms as a psychologist would put it, a system designed to keep people and ideas at a distance so as to not get hurt if and when they let me down. I generally don’t share my inner feelings with the people near me, which is my brother’s biggest complaint. Every time when just two of us drink together he tells-all and the most I have to offer is silent nodding or some anecdotes. This is actually the reason I started this blog, I somehow prefer to write down my thoughts and publish it to be read by people around me rather than speak to my near ones.

Other signs are there too, a lot of color black in wardrobe, thick curtains in my room, commitment issues, hard rock as choice of music (though I have toned down in the recent years), fascination with the 'to be or not to be' soliloquy, spinning stories about serial killers in my head, even my choice is porn is too hardcore for most people. 

When I reread this it sounds like it is some rant about my cool-ness and how I am so unique accentuated by a lot of hyphens, and to be on a even keel here most of my friends like the stuff I do. Dexter, House etc are widely seen TV shows, millions of people have played and liked Max Payne, Dev D is a cult hit again. Many of friends like vampire movies and there is no dearth of insomniacs either. Maybe it’s nothing, nothing more than my narcissism, and my imagination running wild. Maybe it’s everything.

I can assure that the clinical analysis of a psychiatrist of these things is not good. I know because of my amateur knowledge of psychology and psychiatry. And the various test which I keep taking on the internet which all point towards the same conclusion. The psychiatric evaluation also points towards some severe emotional trauma which caused this. But whatever you have read about emotional trauma like childhood trouble, parental neglect, some mishap or other fancy things which Hollywood and popular culture dumps on you, never happened to me. No wife and child murdered by psycho killers, no gunman in the dark alley, no parent’s divorce, no alien abduction. I was raised in normal, plain vanilla middle-class family, have one older brother, parents who love me, a set of close friends, two decent relationships, a job and no dysfunctional attributes. As I said, maybe it’s nothing, nothing more than an attempt of self assertion of importance, a feeble effort to break free from the clutter.

But as I write this in a severe vodka induced hang-over I change my laptop’s and phone’s wallpaper from Michelle Rodriguez holding a gun and vampire drawing blood to more society friendly themes. And fight the urge to write a melancholy poem about betrayal in love instead of this. Maybe now I would get some sleep, while watching a rerun of Dev D that is.