Leave tonight or die this way

It is another boring afternoon to kill,
To watch TV or sneak away for a smoke.
Only two options, melodrama or cheap thrill,
In this small town of a joke.

Take me away from this place.
I know I am the cleverest here.
But wasting away in this dawdling pace,
Waiting for the night to smuggle a warm beer.

I would prefer Grey Goose martinis in a suit,
In my high rise apartment instead of this
Cotts wool shirt and a Bata boot.
And a swanky car wouldn’t be amiss.

I hate that I can’t move around the town
 without ten people knowing. Or to come in
late to the house without one or two frown.
Their English and accents is another of my chagrin.

Everybody listens but none can appreciate me
Fed up with their small thinking, I can’t stay.
I have bigger dreams that I clearly see.
Have to leave tonight or die this way.

INTERLUDE

I can’t remember the last afternoon I had
Now it’s just nights after morning
In this big city; big, hard and bad
Wrapped in a grey smog, forever in mourning

And I am one of the many, wrapped in my gray coat
Lost in grey crowd, between these grey buildings. Sipping
my Grey Goose martinis, scream frozen in my throat.
Playing catch up with its fast pace and always slipping.

Stuck in traffic in my swanky car I search for
a familiar face and fail, or perhaps some trees and pond.
They says it’s the festive rush. But I don’t feel festive anymore
That’d be Diwali at home and old friends to bond.

As I enter my house there’s none to open the door.
Just a key to prove I live here. Neighbors don’t care.
They can’t speak my language and my accent they abhor.
It’ll be just TV and a smoke with none to share.

Everybody appreciates but none listens to me.
Fed up with their alienation, I can’t stay.
I have better dreams that I clearly see..
Have to leave tonight or die this way.

 

Why is all the weakness in me?

Ten thousand texts I’ve sent, but you never reply,
Or to the calls that I make when I’m drunk and I cry;
Nor look up when I pretend to be just passing by.
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

I did not see you for a week after we broke up.
It was a nightmare from which I never woke up.
Here I cry rivers and only stop to sick up,
And they say you’ve never even shed a tear

I sleep in my room whole day and only come out
To drink myself to sleep again. While you hangout
With you friends and go on with life all stout.
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

I send hateful messages so you will get angry
And talk to me, ‘cause even for your abuse I’m hungry.
I’m trying to date even though it feels like adultery,
Because in some girls I see your hair in some your eyes

I want to get back, this time I’ll be a better person
To correct my mistake, to put out my own arson.
But you said you don’t and let things even worsen
How are you so strong and why is all the weakness in me?

Ten thousand times you’ve tried me, ten thousand times I turned myself to stone.
But I’ll die if I think you cry let alone hear you on the phone.
Can’t dare look up to you, lest you see in my eyes love still shone.
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

Overdosed on sleeping pills, was in hospital for week after we broke up.
Nightmares are better than the life to which I woke up.
If I start crying I know I will never let up,
Maybe I'm too sad to cry, too tired to bring a tear in my eye.

I cannot sleep at all, not since they took away the pills
Can’t even stay in the house your memories give me chills
My friends are all that keeps me sane, but nothing fulfills
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me?

I see you that you hate me but I cannot say anything,
because it is my fault that caused this thing.
I am happy for you that you are now dating.
Me, I know cannot get another you, this I always knew.

My heart sored when you asked to get back together,
Then I realized you were drunk, not sure you remember whether.
I will never be good enough for you, too false a hope to tether.
But how are you so strong and all the weakness is in me?




P.S. - Inspired by the Joan Armatrading song of the same name

Finding the One and life's other fallacies

All of us as kids start out with a lot of fantasies. Some of us want to be wizards, some of us hope to be secret princesses, some want to be super heroes. As we grow older some geeks like me continue to believe in these fantasies, we are sort of overgrown kids actually. We like comic books, super hero movies, Harry Potter and other fantasy novels.

Rest of us graduate to a higher fantasy – finding the One. The one that the universe intended them to be with, the one they will have an earth shattering romance with, the one that will fight the entire world to be with them, the one which when they see a millions violins will go off, daisies will blow in the wind and time itself will skip a beat.

In my humble opinion you have equal chances of finding out that you can fly and finding the one. The one that you always dreamt of, the one who likes the same quaint movies that you do, the one who likes your friends but has interesting ones of his own too, the one who is good looking but not too much to attract unwanted attention, the one who is outgoing and likes to do stuff but also likes to cuddle in a blanket and watch a movie on the weekends that you don’t feel like going out. The one who swears that one cannot start his or her day without tea if you like tea or is highly knowledgeable about wines and single malts if you are into that kind of stuff. The one who is career oriented and respects yours too but has interesting hobbies and a happening life beyond work. The one who understands your passion for dubstep and your hatred for four-on-the-floor beat or is into ghazals of Farida Khanum If you are. The one who has sense to never wear brown shoes with black pants but is daring enough to wear brogues and not stick to oxfords. The one who is smooth and knows the right thing to say, the one who is never tongue tied or looking for you to show the way but is not too bossy or a control freak either and understands that in some things you know best. The one with whom you will endless conversations till morning every time you talk. The one for candlelight dinners, surprise birthday parties and romantic beach walks.

This One is a fantasy like any other, perpetrated by romantic movies and novels, reinforced by greeting card companies and seemingly realized by happy couple photographs on Facebook. And the biggest difference between us geeks watching Avengers and people watching Notting Hill or DDLJ is that we know Thor and Loki are fictional characters. The point that Anna Scott and Raj are ones too is seemingly missed by a lot of people. Those are the ones who put these expectations on real people. When (or if) aliens attack I will follow emergency evacuation procedure and will try to keep my head down. Not wait for The Avengers to rescue me. But the people searching for the one expect their date/girl or boy friend/marriage prospect to behave exactly like Jack or Rose from Titanic. And then they move on after calculating that he or she is not the one.

Sometimes I feel that these people are more in love with the idea of being in love. For them finding love is a way to make themselves complete and fulfilled. As if finding true love will solve all their problems and their life will be the ones worth flaunting where they can cock a snook at everyone else who hasn’t found their the One yet. Love is a wonderful thing, it really is, it can brighten up the dullest days, it can give you the power to fight through the toughest odds, it really is the rabbit hole that can show Alice or you a wonderful new place but it isn’t a Parasmani. So when you try to find meaning in your life by searching for the one you are putting the burden of your entire fulfillment on him or her.

Your significant other cannot take the burden of being romantically alluring and matching your every taste and being your activity partner and your friend and friend of your friends and being liked by your parents and forethoughtful providers/care givers That is, to take the burden of being the One. He or she cannot take it. No one can.

That is why you have friends. And you need to maintain those friendships even after you find the one. That one friend who can do the Govinda dance steps with you, that one friend who likes hiking as you do, that one friend who also thinks that is totally ok to travel 20 kms to eat a Idli, that one friend who can spend the entire night arguing with you if Sam and not Frodo was the real hero of Lord of The Rings.

Friendships like any plant need to be seeded and then maintained and this day and age it is become increasingly easy to stay in touch and maintain your friendships. Now it is possible to talk to your friends across continents and time zones. To drop in a line or see once in a while what are they up to. And with the internet, online forums and special interest Usenets can get you to talk with total strangers and cultivate friendships across any social divide and almost across languages as well. I argue with 882 strangers whether Stannis was right to burn Shireen on Reddit and don’t really need my One to really care that deeply about Game of Thrones. Most people around me these days keep agreeing to posts and rants that Smarthphones and Facebook are hampering relationships and getting people away from each other. I beg to disagree, I would rather stare in my phone and see photos on FB and send Whatsapp messages to people that I am actually friends with then chat idly with people that I am stuck in train with. These things make you possible to stay in touch with people that you liked and were friends with but are no longer together geographically. Blaming phones for getting people away is like saying Cars are actually hampering transportation because sometimes they run over pedestrians.

And with the aid of these friendships you can really search for the qualities in your significant other that are the most important for you. I would not try to be an expert on love and make a declaration on what these qualities should be, to each one their own. But as an observant introvert I would say this, that everyone has their own problems and solutions, emotional baggage and wisdom, shortfalls and qualities. To accept one without the other is like expecting to be a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist like Ironman and also have time to work those 6 pack abs.

Red is the colour of love

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On this Valentine’s day I wish I could write you a song,
Like that guy with red guitar singing in a bar
Or at least I wish I could write you a poem,
Like that guy with glasses drinking his red wine glasses
I am trying and failing to tell you that I love you today.

The one other time I really want to tell you this,
Is when you wait for me to watch a TV episode on our red sofa.
And when you get me food with extra chilli to make it red.
Or perhaps when you would bake me a red velvet cake.
Also when you say it’s ok after a tiring day when I am seeing red.
And when you decorate the house with yellow lights and red lamps.
Or get me home when I’m drunk and can’t tell green from red.
Even when we laugh ourselves red on our private jokes.

Most definitely when you wear your cute red ninja t shirt.
When you fret yourself crazy when I’m sick or have a red nose.
When you mark your calendar red to remind me to call my mom.
Even when you empty every packet into red boxes.

The only other day that I do love you.
Is the day I breathe and my blood runs red.
Red is the colour of our love;
And will be, till the sun keeps rising red.