Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Thing I realized about me....

I was thinking of writing this on my last day in Kota, but never got time to write it. Though I had written it in my head long time back, or rather it was writing itself in my head from a long time ago.

I was alone in Kota for approximately 10 months, and solitude does things to you. And one is - thinking about yourself too much. And therefore I realized a few things about myself. Few things I had thought about myself which were wrong , few things which others told me about me which were wrong, and few things which I had not even thought about myself.

First thing I realized about me that I am not a pessimist, in fact I am a die-hard optimist. I hope for a miracle in the things that I really want to do. My hopeless, pessimistic approach is towards things that I don’t want to do, and it was my approach towards many things because actually I didn't want to do many things. I was happy with life like it was, and hence no desire for change. But for the things I really want I am a die-hard optimist, and I never lose hope no matter how discouraging the situation is, I many times even nearly believed that a miracle will save me.

Second would be that I get attached to the things I have, I don't realize it but anything good or bad that I come in contact with often becomes part of my life. So whenever I move or do something new I think the previous thing/life/was was better.

Third thing I realized was that I always had more questions than answers. It is said what you say says a lot about you. Well in that case I won't say that I have intelligent answers often but I see that at least I have intelligent questions. And that, in this world where telling is so more emphasized than asking is a strange thing. In the two B-Schools GDs I was able to clear, I did not have the wisest of things to say, nor did I have the most ferocious of voice, or the most up to date data, but yes I had the most intelligent questions to ask. And that has made all the difference.

One more thing I realized was that you can't really judge a person, a situation, or a response just like that. You have to be in that position to realize that thing. And more often than not I will do or feel the same thing too. And it has become easier for me to identify with people's feelings. Maybe its called growing up.

Now I don't fell strange about anything or anyone. Anything someone says or anyone does, my response is "Haan ho sakta hai yaar".

The fifth thing I realized about me that the believed that life us binary - there is only high or low. There is no in between, and I thought switching between them is easy, we can go from to very easy. For example I drank like a maniac for 13 days in Bangalore with the Rationale that this will satisy my thirst for booze and I will not drink at all once I go to college, also I thought many times if you too much fun your thirst for it will be quenched but what I realized was the reverse. It made you more thirsty if it did anything. Its very difficult to go from everything to nothing very soon, the more you had of something the more you will miss it. Life is Analogue, its not digital. You have pass through the whole curve before switching to the other side, you cannot go directly from high to low. So if you want to quit don't go all out for it, instead go away from it.But I realized this quite late.

And the last thing I realized about me that I can sleep like a log too. Ringing bells, shouting people, light etc. don’t affect me. But for that I need peace of mind that I had nothing to do before going to sleep, peace of mind that I have nothing to do when I get up, and peace of mind nobody wants anything from me. And these are very difficult conditions, actually near to impossible for someone like me. And hence I never get to sleep properly. In fact day by day my sleep is getting worse. And so is my ability to take stress. Too much stress makes me wanna throw up literally. And it’s hard for me to control it nowdays.

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