The Big Bang Theory(s)

WARNING: Long, meandering, incomprehensible and scatterbrained post.

I am going to discuss multiple theories here. All of them are too small to warrant an entire post, but too great to keep it from the world.

Well actually most of them are either already established or just plain common sense or too absurd to be even called a theory. But this is my blog, and I can write about any damn thing that I want. And as Sawyer said in LOST "There ain't squat you can do about it"! Anyways there is no 'Logic Clause'. So here goes –

Theory 1 : Delhites are the Americans of India

Now you have to agree with me on this one. And there is plenty of proof.

First take the obsession of them with everything BIG. And I am not even talking about parts of female anatomy, which is true too though. Big cars/SUVs, Big house, Big Farm House, Big Malls, Big Diamonds, Big biceps, Big portions of food, Big weddings, Big everything. The obsession of Big is equally evident in the Americans. They too want to Supersize everything. If Van der Rohe would have been here, he would have cried, nobody even heard of 'less is more' here.

Second like the Americans think that the world doesn't exist outside their country, Delhites think that India doesn't exist outside Delhi, when talking about rural areas they talk about Najafgarh and Nangloi, when hypothetically opening a new store they will open one in Khan Market and one in GK. I'll not be surprised if someone named Chitraranjan Park instead of Cherapunji as the wettest place in India. Most Delhites wouldn't have ever stayed outside Delhi more than a few days on holiday but they can affirm very confidently that all South Indians are 'Madrasis', everybody in Bengal eats rice and fish thrice a day and everybody from U.P. is a thief. Like all Colombians are drug dealers, all Indians are taxi drivers and all people from Middle East are terrorists for Americans. And despite being totally unaware of world outside they are quick to claim that their place is 'the best'.

There is no dearth of 'Dumb Blondes' in Delhi, who sport hand bags of 20,000 and have an IQ of 20. I personally know one of them. Delhi like America has no culture, it's a mish mash of various people who came and settled over there, but they don't hesitate for a second to call anybody new as an outsider. Both lack taste, grace and civility. They too are obsessed by security, numerous times I have been groped by security guards while first entering the city, then entering a mall and then entering the multiplex in it. Even after having the highest security cover they still continue to be paranoid. Both are experts in Mass Hysteria, think about the monkey man of Delhi and the UFO sightings of US. And don't even get me started on the prevalence of gun-culture in both these places.

And to top all that you have the Jaats of Delhi. They are under educated, coarse and hugely built. They live in ghettos; move out in packs and always looking to get into a fight. Now where have you seen that other than Delhi? The Niggers… Oops I mean the African American community of the US of A.

But one last thing and I hate to say it. But Delhi people like Americans have worked hard to reach the position they are and in some ways deserve the snobbishness they have. They are aggressive, they take risks, aspire big and they get it. And I have to give it to them for being successful.

Theory 2 : If you wanna live forever, die young.

Do you know why Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, James Dean and Kurt Cobain are the Icons they are? Well yes, they were terrific at what they did, but many other people were too. But very few have had this unending fan following by the youth of many generations. Because they died young. They did not live long enough to fall from grace, to let people see their downfall, there singing out of tune, the mudslinging, eccentricities and scandals every celebrity goes through. They got frozen in time at their peak. And also nobody talks bad about you once you are dead.

I was thoroughly convinced of it from long, but when I saw somebody wearing a T Shirt in McLeodganj which said King of Pop (1958 – 2009) with Michael Jackson's photo on it , that nailed it for me. Just by dying he went from being 'Wacko Jacko' to the king of pop in a matter of days. Trust me if Hrithik Roshan would have died just after 'Kaho na pyaar hai' he would have been the most popular Hindi film star of this era. But he didn't, he went to star in lousy movies like Fiza, Aap Mujhe Achche Lagne Lage etc etc. Though he is still popular, but everybody knows that the fanfare of KNPH days has certainly died.

So as Batman said in 'The Dark Knight' "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain".

Theory 3 : Nobody tells the truth when they are drunk.

'Peeke aadmi hamesha sach bolta hai' is one of the biggest myths in the world that has to be defunked. I , in fact am a glibber liar when I am drunk, I can lie so easily when drunk that I sometimes I don't even realize I just lied. You can believe in the Yeti, UFOs, Area 51 (I believe in Area 51), Bermuda Triangle, or we living inside The Matrix, but people don't lie when they are drunk is certainly a thing you shouldn't believe.

I think this belief stems from three things, firstly who either get in confessional mode after drinking or say things which they otherwise would not have said in those social settings. Which makes people misinterpret the phenomena as people being incapable of lying when they are drunk.

Secondly by the portrayal of drunks in the media and popular culture, by Johnnie Walker saying "Aaj apan piyela hai, aaj apan sab sach bolega", by Anupam Kher giving Johnny Lever 'Sach kee dawaai' and then a drunk Johnny Lever telling him everything about his son (Salman Khan) in the movie 'Jab Pyar kisi se hota hai'.

And lastly this lie has been perpetrated by drinkers themselves who want to lie convincingly. I have heard many a lies, many a times, in many a bars starting with the statement "Dekh bhaai, abhi piya huun, islilye ekdum sach bol raha huun".

The TRUTH (notice the word truth in all caps) is that alcohol de-activates the part of the brain which is responsible for inhibitions and self control. That's why people start dancing on table tops, speaking in English are ready to have sex with random strangers when drunk. Because the inhibition stopping them from doing this is de-activated. And this sometimes culminates in them saying things they otherwise would have been hesitant to say, like asking a girl out or telling someone they like them, and so on, I'm sure you get the drift. But this does not mean they are telling the truth, they can lie if they have to, and still care about the consequences.

Another reason for the sometime sudden barrage of truth when drunk is that people, when they are high, do or say the first thing which pops in their head. Which in most cases is the truth, though in case of glib liars it could be a lie as well. The impulsive action is the reason people get overtly angry, friendly or emotional when drunk, because they do not restrain their first impulses which they otherwise would have.

Now, not directly connected to mind blowing theory that I discussed above but important enough to be mentioned nonetheless is the fact is that people don't change when they are drunk, that is not too much. A man who always gets violent every time he is drunk is violent by nature, the guy who starts speaking in English when high actually wanted to speak in English all along, he was just too conscious of himself, the guy who asked you out might have had genuine feeling for you, he just gathered the courage now when he was drunk. And this here is especially for the women who crib about the fact that there guy 'never calls them when he is sober'. And he only' remembers them when he is drunk' and all. Well he wants to call all the time, he is just tied down by social stigma, by his own lack of courage, or by the fear that you might disapprove of his calling. So don't be irritated that he called when he was drunk, be happy that you were the person whom he wanted to talk the most but couldn't.

Theory 4 : Our actions do not create our Image, our Image creates our actions.

While counter intuitive as first, this is a fact. Or maybe it could have been that in the initial few days we created an image, and we liked what people said about us. So rest of the time we divert our energies to reinforce that image.

But most of us have some hypothetical image of ourselves, or the person we wanna be in the eyes of the other people and then we start putting on the show for them. Sometimes the show goes for so long and gets so appreciated that we start forgetting who we are actually. Everybody wants to be well liked, and there's nothing wrong with it, in fact I think the whole societal structure is based on people being nice to each other. But the problem arises when we become someone because we just wanted to be someone, anyone, someone different, someone noticeable. And then the image starts eating you up.

I see two of the examples very close to me, first is myself. Having the image of 'cool and carefree' in engineering college I couldn't muster up the courage of saying "no, I have to study" even once. Every time anybody asked me to come along for a drink, or for something else I couldn't refuse, because it would be bad for my image, the image I thought got created because I was carefree. I became the de-facto guy drinking company for anybody who wanted to drink in the exams, because I never said no, so Monday I drink with someone , Tuesday with someone else, Wednesday with someone else, and so on, so that I was pretty much drinking whole week while others were studying for the rest of the six days. And it did hurt my studies, big time. Other is my elder brother, having earned the nickname 'Raja Saab' he did his best to upkeep it, even when broke he did not curb his royal life style. When he had 500 bucks with him he could buy a bottle of Blender's Pride for everyone, when he had 200 he would a bottle of Old Monk, when 50 he would buy a pack of cigarettes. I told him many a times to say no and be miserly for sometime as he was broke time and again, he listened and agreed to me but never followed it. Why? Because it did not go with his image. After a while our Image consumed us. Our Image was not a representation of us, we were a representation of our Image!

Theory 5 : All relationships are doomed from the start.

Now call me a cynic, unromantic, non believer or just plain stupid. But you have the see the premise on which the theory is based. These are the facts and they are irrefutable –

The guy dresses the best for the first date, takes the women to some insanely expensive place, he is thoughtful of the little gestures like opening doors, pulling out the chair, complimenting her clothes.

As the first date leads to the courting period the guy messages her 40 times a day, picks her call at 2 AM, serenades her with songs, makes an effort to get along all her friends, relatives and her little eccentricities, sits though chick flicks, tries to even impress her dog, eats Thai food even though he hates it. Tries to look genuinely interested in the story that how her ribbon came off in when she was on stage in her third standard.

She tries to look her best when going out with him, calls him 10 times a day to say that she thought about him, searches and sends him 30 ‘lovey – dovey’ messages every day , stands his loud mouth friends and cigarette breath, laughs at his lame jokes, drops all her prior commitments to meet him, goes to auto expo and tries to understand what is variable cam timing DOHC engine is, gets up at 4 AM to wake him up for his exam.

Have you seen the ad in which the guy when runs of balance on his mobile phone picks up his bike and drives quite a distance just to say ‘Good Night' to his girl friend. People actually do all that stupid stuff when they first start going around.

But it doesn’t take a genius to see that these things are unsustainable and sooner or later, the girl has to tell the guy that he stinks of cigarette and guy has to throw up his hand in air and state that he simply hates Thai food. Then the whole “You have changed a lot”, “You did not used to be like this”, “You have become so un-romantic now” thing starts. And there is no stopping this,

But the paradox is without the act on the first date you wouldn’t get the second and without faking some things on second you wouldn’t get the third. If a tell a girl on the first date that her green nail paint looks weird, and you have actually no interest in how her dad took her to Thailand be sure you would never be seeing her again. Similarly if a girl tells that she has to study after being asked out the second time or turns up wearing her spects and sweat pants then that’ll be the last time she ever was asked out. It is like bait you have to dangle to catch the fish, but you cannot keep her feeding the tunas.

Theory 6 : The Playboys now were once hopeless Romantics.

I’ll keep it simple and short for the last theory. The general theory of relativity was short too, just only 5 scientists in the world could understand at that time when Einstein had put it forward.

Experiment – A guy likes a girl very much. He is a hopeless. They start going around. Everything is going well. He thinks they are headed for some kind of ‘happily ever after’. But it doesn’t happen. The girl leaves him. He cries and mourns her and drowns himself in booze and grief, crying ‘why did she do it to me’. The guy gets so scarred that he is then fearful of all commitment from now. He always gets into ‘casual relationship’ and then ditches the girl moves on. He is afraid that if he gets attached to some girl and if she left him too then he wouldn’t be able to stand the second heart break. So he leaves them before they have a chance to leave him.

Observation – He has become, what people like to call a Playboy.

Conclusion – All these so called Players were big time, syrupy Romantics once, who just got their heart broken very bad.

At times like these I miss her - 2

At times like these I miss her.
It’s a full moon out here,
And nobody around me.

And I remember like I saw her,
Glistening in the moonlight;
With my hands wrapped around her.

Sitting on my roof at night,
I see the distant world below me,
Too far away to harm us.

There is no sound at this time,
Just the night breeze,
And the music you play in my head.

Then I bring you to my lips,
Flick the water glistening on your body,
And take a bittersweet drink of you.

For a brief moment we are one.
I feel you burning inside my body;
I feel you freezing in my hand,

But she is not with me now no more,
Locked away in some place cold and dark,
Waiting for me to let her breathe once more.

For me to bring your cool skin to my cheek,
For me to see you in all your beauty,
Robed in nothing but the water and moonlight.

Wishing to make my head swim,
And to forget who or where I am.
For the night, claim me as yours.

Let’s leave the world behind,
All head and heartaches alike.
And live, live for one night.

But alas the clock has struck 8 on my Cinderella story,
And the tale of the unfinished love continues;
Because I can’t have any ‘Gin on the rocks’ now!!
:-P

Idiot’s guide to How to Manipulate and Abuse

The following is taken from a Governmental Organization’s web site. You can easily switch the names Brian and Sarah to anything more relevant to you. –

When Brian and Sarah began dating, her friends were envious. Brian was smart, sensitive, funny, athletic, and good-looking.

For the first couple of months, Sarah seemed happy. She started to miss her friends and family, though, because she was spending more time with Brian and less time with everyone else. That seemed easier than dealing with Brian's endless questions. He worried about what she was doing at every moment of the day.

Sarah's friends became concerned when her behavior started to change. She lost interest in the things she once enjoyed, like swim meets and going to the mall. She became secretive and moody. When her friends asked if she was having trouble with Brian, she denied that anything was wrong.

Do you wanna be Brian?

Do you want to completely manipulate and mind fuck your partner into getting them to do exactly what you want, when you want and make their life a living hell? Do you want to feel good about yourself by sucking the life force out of someone else? Do you have questions like how some people be the so obnoxious and degenerate and still manage to hold onto their man or woman, but didn’t know whom to ask. If yes then look no further, help is here.

Let me tell you how the game is played.

First find a target. He or she should be naïve and gullible. Looks doesn’t matter, good looking people can as easily be trapped as not so attractive people. But there has to be one fatal flaw, something damaged about them, which makes them have a low self esteem. Small issues being unattractive, nerdy, lonely are good but it’s the really complex issues like a bad past relationship, parent issues, depression, troubled childhood etc. what’ll be the cherry on your cake.

Then lay the trap. Be as charming as sweet as you can be, shower them with attention, make them feel special, say that you understand what they are going through and you will make everything OK, tell them the world is cruel and unjust and it’s not their fault, show them that you are as imperfect as them. Charisma is certainly a pre-requisite here. Do something unexpected for them, buy the girl an expensive gift, give the geeky boy a kiss and then blush profusely. Now the prey is feeling like the Princess who was trapped in a tower by the dragon and you were the Knight who rescued them. He/ begins the to think that this is the real you, that their troubles are behind them, that they are incredibly lucky to have found you.

Now is the time to spring the trap. Only that you do not ‘spring’ the trap, you slowly lower them deeper into the quicksand. First start asking where and with whom they are all the time. Check their phone records and e-mail accounts. Start throwing tantrums and blaming them that they are not spending enough time with you. Give them guilt trips and make accusations like they do not love you ‘as much’. When they try to object to the lack of space say things like “I am just trying look out for you” or “It’s just because I love you and care for you so much” or even better “You remember what happened when you trusted other people the last time?” Start alienating them from their friends, and kill all hobbies and interests in their lives. Now they are hopelessly dependent on you for everything. Keep turning on the charm and adulating them occasionally.

At this point, move in for the kill. Accuse them for being good for nothing, that nobody else likes them, they do not deserve love and how everything that’s wrong is their fault. This helps in reinforcing their low self worth again. Outlaw everything which they would want to do so that they would have to lie to you to do it, then catch them and use the lie as a weapon. Say that everything would be alright if they just ‘tried harder’. Now start dictating terms. Tell them exactly what they should do. Offer minimal and no explanations, all the while doing what you please with your life. In case of disobedience use the following tactics in this order.

• Silent Treatment. Shut them out completely and give no heed to their begging or pleading till they agree to do what you said.
• Show explosive anger. Break stuff in the house. Smash your mobile phone. Shatter Mirrors. Pound the table. Anything that has the required dramatic and intimidating effect. Show that this is only the beginning and further non compliance can bring the worse.
• Start crying hysterically. This works especially well if you are a girl. Act like your choking and are about to faint or worse. Try to say something in between sobs. Trust me this has more crushing effect than a brick wall falling on you.
• Threaten harm to yourself. Say you are going to commit suicide.
• Do something that will hurt them the most. You have all the ammo against him or her, hit where it starts. Ridicule them about their parents, re iterate their past failed relationship, sleep with someone else.

So now you have them at your mercy. Do what you please with them and feel good about yourself. But the work is only half done yet. Now it might be that they might gather the courage and say that they are going to leave you which is unlikely because you have killed all the courage in them. Or it might be some nosy friend of theirs sees this and talks them into leaving you, which is unlikely again as you have made sure that he/she don’t have any friends left (if you feel that there are, put him or her into ‘either me or them’ situation) plus he or she is mistrustful of everyone but you. If the prey is a guy it is even easier, because of his misdirected machismo he will never even accept being used and used, let alone seek help. But even though highly unlikely, this eventuality might occur and thus has to be addressed. So what if she leaves you, don’t worry she will come back. Here’s how –

• First show extreme anger and order them to come back or else….
• If it doesn’t work then cry like a madman and then pretend that you have broken down. Tell them how you miss them so much.
• Threaten suicide more seriously and with specifics. You can even attempt a fake one; a few sleeping pills, drinking phenyl, a few shallow cuts on the wrist, or getting into an accident can work wonders.
• Still not done, threaten to do something against the people she loves, say that you are gonna tell her parents about the drugs she used, say that you are gonna upload your intimate video on the internet, or her life will become even worse if she or he leaves you, and he or she was doomed from the start.
• If nothing works, this surely will. Apologize. Yes you heard me right, apologize. Of course fake but still. Say that you have changed, you have realized that this was not the true you. That you are also a flawed human being just like them and you committed a mistake. But don’t forget to add that it was only because you loved her or him so much and a little more subtly that in reality it was their fault. You are gonna rebuild the relationship again and want their support. Bring the charming, caring old self out again. Sleep with the guy if you are a girl.

He or she is most vulnerable at this time. The prey should think that monstrous you wasn’t the real you and you have really and permanently changed. And somehow he or she owes it you to help you get back to your real self. Phrases like “If you have ever loved me then….” can really do the trick here. Trust he or she will come back. Now when then they are firmly in your grasp you can go back to your old self.

If the whole thing goes south and he or she actually leaves you for good and starts reconstructing his or her life, do not despair. There are plenty of such fish in the sea. Spot somebody else, go to step number one and repeat.

P.S. – Once you get past the satire you must understand that this is a reality and nearer to us than we like to acknowledge. Take a look around.

And if case you are wondering if I am a victim or a perpetrator of this, I’m none. I am, as my one of my friend said about me when he was asked to describe me in one line “Someone who sees everything but says nothing”.