Saturday, April 21, 2012

Dread Lock

I just tweeted sitting on the shit pot that I was feeling prolific. And I was, I had two ideas that I could write on. One of them was something I have been trying to write from quite some time.

But today I'm not able. I'm filled with this all-consuming sense of dread. It is near paralyzing. I don't what's wrong but I sense that something is or is going to be, I just can't put my finger on it. And for this mega sense of dread I'm surprised that I slept well, both last night and in the afternoon. Something I'm not able to do for a little while now.

In retrospect I realize that probably women get this sense of dread a lot. My mom would call and ask "Where are you? Stay at home. I'm getting a bad feeling.". My girlfriend would get a maddening desire in the middle of the day to talk till she would be satisfied I'm ok and not indulging in some  risky activity. I always laughed at them, like I'm trying to laugh at myself right now.

But this is no laughing matter, I can see that. I'm listening to Metallica and dark rock ballads since morning. I've announced I won't drive at all today. I can't help shake off the picture of a woman lying in the middle of the road and people just driving around her. I can't help remember all the deaths I've witnessed. I just want to drink through this feeling. So in a couple of hours I'm going to start drinking like there's no tomorrow and hope there is one, which doesn't have this dread in it. Hope this drinking doesn't become the cause of the mishap that I'm thinking I'm premonishing though.

As one Russian fairy tale said (translated, I used to read them a lot) - "Raat kee baat kabhi sach nahi hoti, Kal subah dekhenge"

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