Friday, May 24, 2013

Dear Sir. Please permit dying.



I am a 31 year old Techie. I never liked this word when newspapers used this word – Techie robbed on Outer Ring Road, Frustrated Techie ends life etc etc. But today I am gonna use it because it would help you to guess what I do for a living, which otherwise is very difficult to explain. I have tried it with my mother in law, my Dad and some of my Businessman friends but I have always failed. Anyways back to the point, the Point is that I am dying. While meeting with a bike accident certainly has its plus points like No need to fight the insane traffic in the morning, not having to worry if you are carrying your DL, RC, PUC, NOC, PPP, XYZ and all the other documents that James Bond wouldn’t have got in one movie; not having to think which expense to cut every time petrol has a hike and you don’t. But it certainly has a bad side also, dying.  Though I didn’t die of that in the end
What follows are the emails that have gone back and forth between my office people and me before I died. And if you are wondering how am I speaking from beyond the great beyond, go watch Sunset Boulevard or American Beauty or Raaz

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Sub : Please permit dying.
Dear Gautam,
As I have met with bike accident and doctors say that the internal bleeding is not stopping and will result in death soon. They can’t keep me artificalliy alive on the MMHROTD machine very long. My motor functions will deteriorate very soon too. So please grant permission to die on 25th of May.
Also I am not able to find the E Dying link on the employee intranet. Please guide how to register for dying in the portal.
Thanks & Regards
Sachin Sawant
Senior Assistant Tech Lead
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
Dear Sachin,
We are going through very critical phase of the project right now. All leaves have been cancelled till June (3013). Leaves in case of extreme exigencies can only be applied through our BNC procedure.
Also as being a senior resource in the project your name has been added in the weekend support team. Please look over all support activities this weekend and log the bugs in the issue tracker.
Your fiend,
Gautam Kumar
Project Manager
Scourge of the IT Park
Demon of Electronic City
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

“If you think you can, you should. If you think you can’t, get some training and then do it” – Gautam Kumar
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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
Dear Gautam,
I think you misunderstood. I am not applying for leaves. I request approval for dying on 25th May. I won’t be able to come to office from 25th May.
Also BNC (Begging N Crying) procedure is very lengthy and one has to normally start begging on New Year’s Eve to get leaves approved for Diwali. I do not have such a long period left on my lifeline.
Thanks & Regards
Sachin Sawant
Senior Assistant Tech Lead
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Dear Sachin,
All employees have to give 3 months’ notice before termination. We cannot release you so quickly, after we spent so much time and effort to make you productive. I clearly remember I personally took 3 days to train you to make ‘Bugs’ as Bold and ‘Design Gaps’ as highlighted in yellow in the issue tracker excel file. Your name is under S for 10 jobs in the RWSN version 3 matrix.
Also please send me the technical documentation for the technical object ‘lifeline’ that you are saying will expire soon, ASAP. I cannot find any emails regarding this. If necessary please set up a call. Treat this matter as urgent!
@Sreejith – Please enroll Sachin in the next communication skill enhancement program. He uses words like ‘you misunderstood’ with his PM instead of the traditional ‘I was not clear in my earlier communication’. Also please communicate to him the relevant portions of the Employee Handbook about employee separations
Your fiend,
Gautam Kumar
Project Manager
Scourge of the IT Park
Demon of Electronic City
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

“If you think you can, you should. If you think you can’t, get some training and then do it” – Gautam Kumar
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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Gautam Kumar
Dear Sachin,
Please refer to Chapter Employee Separation. All employees who have heated their food in the cafeteria microwave for more than 2 years have to give 6 months’ notice before leaving the company. Failing which they have to pay for every microwave ever bought in the world.
Also I am pleased to announce that Communication Skills enhancement program is happening this Friday. You are welcome to join it, but there are only limited slots available. Please apply with an approval from your PM, his PM and The PM (Prime Minister)
Gracias,
Sreejith SV
HR
Modern Day Shikhandi
Devil’s Double

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejth SV
Dear Gautam,
Perhaps I was not clear in my earlier communication. I am DYING (flatlining, at death's door, at end of rope, decaying, declining, disintegrating, done for, doomed, ebbing, fading, fated, final, giving up the ghost, going, in extremis, moribund, mortal, on last leg, one foot in grave, passing, perishing, sinking, vanishing, withering). NOT asking for a leave or resigning from the job.

Furthermore please remove my name from the RWSN (Responsibility, Whip – Holding, Scapegoat, Needlessly CCed) matrix for all allocated jobs.

Sachin Sawant
Senior Assistant Tech Lead
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Sachin,
In that case please advance your dying date by 2 weeks and make sure all the jobs under your name have been closed till then. Please also make sure that all the relevant handover has been done to your replacement and I want you to commit to the client in the call next time that no issues will ever come.
Please do this positively. Also you are supposed to provide on-call support to the client for Priority 1 issues post these 2 weeks. Failing which can have an adverse effect on your ratings
@Sreejith – Please enroll Sachin in the next mailing etiquette program. He uses words in CAPS and Bold in official mails, which is akin to shouting at his PM. Also please communicate to him the relevant portions of the Employee Handbook about Employee Dying
Your fiend,
Gautam Kumar
Project Manager
Scourge of the IT Park
Demon of Electronic City
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

“If you think you can, you should. If you think you can’t, get some training and then do it” – Gautam Kumar

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Gautam Kumar
Dear Sachin,
Please refer to Chapter 5, Section 2, Sub section 8, Sub sub section b, Footnote 2.1, fine print 6. Employee Death. Employees are required to notify their line manager and their HR immediately in case of their death. Employees are however exempted in few cases such as actually dying, in that case they have provide approval from your PM, his PM, The PM (Prime Minister) and St. Peter
Also I am pleased to announce that Mail Etiquette program is happening this Monday. You are welcome to join it, but there are only limited slots available. Please apply with an approval from your PM, his PM and The PM (Prime Minister)
Gracias,
Sreejith SV
HR
Modern Day Shikhandi
Devil’s Double

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Dear Gautam,
I am sorry but my dying date cannot be altered due to some personal commitments.

And I am sure about how will I be able to call from heaven wherever I am going.

Sachin Sawant
Senior Assistant Tech Lead
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Sachin
Wht are those personal commitments?
@Sreejith – Plz provide him the link on employee portal fr enabling long distance calling
Regards,
Gautam

Sent from my Blackberry
Which I have and you don’t, Bitch!

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Dear Gautam,
My wife has asked me to die before 12 Noon on 25th May so that she can get the death certificate before the government office closes and submit for life insurance claim. As she is traveling the 2 weeks after that for office work and won’t be able to complete the paper work that week; which means losing interest on 50 Lakhs for 14 days.

Also I can’t die before 25th as my parents are coming from Kolhapur on 25th only and won’t get tickets in Tatkal before that.

Sachin Sawant
Senior Assistant Tech Lead
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Dear Sachin,
As this is a genuine emergency I would suggest you the following work around –
·         Claim the loss of 14 day interest from Finance department
·         Book flight tickets for your parents
But we cannot go back on our client commitments. Also your time sheet for yesterday is due, please submit ASAP.
@Sreejith – Please communicate to him the relevant portions of the Employee Handbook about compensation
Your fiend,
Gautam Kumar
Project Manager
Scourge of the IT Park
Demon of Electronic City
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

“If you think you can, you should. If you think you can’t, get some training and then do it” – Gautam Kumar

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Gautam Kumar
Dear Sachin,
Please refer to Chapter 5, Section 2, Sub section 8, Sub sub section b, Footnote 2.1, fine print 6.3 . Employee compensation in case of Death. Employees or next of kin can claim certain benefits in case of their death. Please ask your wife to submit form 666A (attached) duly signed by you and her, along with copy of your death certificate and original boarding passes for your parents. But in this case you will have to provide approval from your PM, his PM, the finance department and The Finance Minister.
Gracias,
Sreejith SV
HR
Modern Day Shikhandi
Devil’s Double

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Dear Gautam,
I beg you to provide approval me to die on the 25th. I checked with my family but they denied permission to extend my life for another 2 weeks. My wife wants to move out this weekend only as she would have to pay for the rent of the next month if I died 2 weeks later. Also my younger brother wants me to die before the coming Wednesday too; so that he can get my bike out of police custody and repaired before 31st . As he has a bike trip planned to Nandi Hills with his friends on 1st.

And my parents can’t take a flight from Kolhapur as there is no airport there

Sachin Sawant
Senior Assistant Tech Lead
No Practical Use Project
Bangalore

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Sub: Re: Please permit dying.
CC: Sreejith SV
Dear Sachin
Plz apply an anticipatery death certificate ASAP so that your personal commitments are taken care of. Ask for electric cremation which can be done in the hospital only
Also plz ask your folks to take a flt to nearest airport and fly from there to blr.
Regards,
Gautam

Sent from my Blackberry
Which I have and you don’t, Bitch!


At this point I killed myself!

4 comments:

  1. No this is a real life inspiration from my PM. He gives all the workarounds rather than a solution to the actual problem. But then Catch 22 is the Baap of all satire.

    ReplyDelete

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