Sunday, November 10, 2013

Things that amaze me

Ever since my article on faking news about Foreigners getting amazed by our celebration of Ganesh Chaturthi completely flopped I’ve been stuck with this word amazed and plotting my revenge at this world. I mean, I thought it was pretty funny (OK maybe not as funny as original Rahul Gandhi speech, read it here) but most people didn’t think so, one friend told me it was neither slapstick or dry enough to be funny, another friend was blunt enough to comment that I should stick to my style of humour. To both of you and the other 7 billion people who didn’t find it funny I say this …Fuck You! Think of it one of those things which are only appreciated when a person dies, like Copernicus’ theory about the planets or Herman Melville’s Moby Dick. But anyways, till that article becomes a standard class tenth chapter of the NCERT English book, I am gonna tell you about the things I am amazed by –

Girls’ vocabulary:

An average 4 year old girl knows more and speaks more words than an average 6 year old boy. And it is no secret girls always score more than boys in any language exam. But I always wonder where does their advanced vocabulary and language skills go when describing things. A thing which is good is good and a thing which is breath-taking, awe inspiring, mesmerizingly good is just sooooo good. And a thing which is tasty is yum, but a thing which is delectable, luscious and piquant is just described by adding more m’s after yum. And the worst thing is when a woman starts talking “You know that guy was so…” and she completes the sentence with a hand gesture and a facial expression and all women nod because they have got exactly what she meant to say. But I am stumped! What is that? That guy was so what? Handsome? Square jawed? Putrid? Well hung? Short? … Whatever he was I am sure there are words to describe all that. I am amazed where their 1800 words vocabulary goes at these times…

People who write okay:

I mean what is okay? OK is a word, fairly common word, maybe the most common word… but a word. Maybe it evolved from Germanic languages as Oll Korrect or Choctaw or maybe West African in origin but a word nonetheless. Why expand a short word? And I am not talking about the Grammar Nazis, I am amazed by the people who write –  c u thr and then reply as ‘okay’. I am also perturbed by people who write LOLZ instead of just LOL, but that is a debate for a different time.

Nature Lovers:

Only a nature lover can describe a gutter as “a gushing torrent of water in which human refuse swirls and dances like little children with dross, oh what a beautiful tango!” Or the morning 8:10 Kurla local as “A sea of humanity placed so close together that they share the sight, smell and consciousness of each other”
I really can’t stand them, these are the people who ruin Goa for you. As soon as you spot a German in bikini from the latest Sports Illustrated and are about to point out her to your friends a ‘Nature Lover’ will shout out “Bhaai sunset dekh! Kya nazara hai yaar ! Dekh dekh wo baadal bhi ekdum red ho gaya hai. Yaar meri ek photo le le is sunset ke saath”, by the time you figure which cloud is he talking about and take that bloody photo the German is gone and you have to content yourself by ogling at Indian girls in white shorts. Or as you settle down by a nice turn of the road en route to Mussori and you are about to start passing the whisky these people will shout “Look look ! There!” and point towards the sky, and the time you waste in figuring out that he was pointing at an eagle is used up by other people in eating all the remaining chips.
And Nature Lovers I admit that the beaches in Andaman are nice and all but “The Sea touching the small island from all sides” does not make me think about “how we are so small in the ethereal play of heavens”. Remember man built the shopping mall, everything else just kind of happened.


There is must be some secret manual for autowallahs or maybe some exclusive training school for them in Area 51. There is no other explanation for how they all behave exactly alike. No matter who you ask for no matter where, they don’t want to go there. And I am not talking about asking an auto guy to come from GK II to go to Yakubpur (it is a real place in Noida) at 2 o’ clock in the night. I am talking about asking an auto guy near Hebbal to go to MG road at 2 o clock in the day on a Sunday. If they can’t get a return passenger from there, I don’t know from where they will. They do not say that they want extra money or if you want to go to the main road or the bylanes, they just flat out refuse.  And these guys amaze me by hogging bus stands asking people waiting for a bus where they want to go, but at the auto stand 50m away they refuse everyone.
I would really love to conduct a study of how much they earn sitting around so that they don’t want to earn by ferrying passengers. And not to be cavalier about it; but I think they can really do with some more money. But to them it does not matter, they will sit at the auto stand whole day reading newspaper but will not break the unity by reducing prices or agreeing to go to a place the first guy had refused. One observation I had though: “Bhaiya please chod do na” of girls for some reason works better than “Chaloge kaise nahi boss, police mae complain karun kya?”of guys.

Football fans:

If there is anything more annoying than a football fan then the devil has kept it for his private torture chamber. I acknowledge that it is ok to be passionate about a game, and social media sites are made for airing your feelings and putting your carefully posed and selected photos in the album ‘Random Clicks’ or ‘Fun with friends’. But there should be line-drawing somewhere.
I don’t mind the occasional ‘Sachin scored a century’ post, or being the tolerant, broad minded guy that I am; I can also live with ‘Rafa won the Wimbledon’ (Did he?) but I get really amazed by the people who write “Against the KOP... Arteta allowed Henderson to run into the D from half line like he were messi...its another thing he missed the shot....Yesterday Arteta closed down well comparitively... n rosicky had a meaningful game in ages hahaha...” and expect people to like or comment on it. Or when they blurb on twitter “Fuck Arsenal! The linesman were paid off to give Beckham (or any other ManU player, I don’t know anyone else) offside, otherwise were would have won 3 – 2!”. Ya either the linesman were paid, or the referee, or the evil space bats interfered in the game by reality warp, but they can never admit that there team played a bad game and they deserved to lose; and moreover they expect normal humans to understand and care about what they are saying. It is like I suddenly exclaim on Facebook “Fuck man my DF1 TR went into error because the object VBAP-IHKREZ was not moved to QF1 system. Fuck these lousy developers” and expect people to react to it, expect maybe thinking I suddenly suffered head trauma.  
So football fans please take notice of what spongebob is saying below –

Arranged marriage people:

I really did not want to write this one, thinking it was a bad idea, but my wife talked me into it. Ever since I talked her into a very bad idea (marrying me), she is just raring to get even with me. I have no intention to hurt anyone just because I did not have an arranged marriage, but if you feel offended then maybe I am right about what I am saying.
When I was in school I noticed this trend first. Being thin and having a small build I had to pick my fights carefully. I was wise enough to be friends with people who were friends with other people so I was protected in general, but the threat of instant and individual violence was always there and hence I started noticing this trend. The guy who shouted “saale maa c**d dunga teri. Tu jaanta nahi hai mujhe” numerous times was not be feared, he would either duck out of a fight first or start crying after two punches. It was the silent, staring and ‘who never initiates the fight’ guys you have to worry about. The same trend was in college, the guys who said “Andy bhaai aaj nadi baha denge” were the first to puke. And in office the people who complain about the workload the most while away their hours in gossip and in reading TOI.
Now there are people who are married a month back, have known their fiancé / fiancée for four more months before that through phone and start putting up tons of photos on Facebook and post statuses like ‘Happy Janamasthmi love of my life’ I can’t help but relate to the things I described above. I can’t help notice that only arranged marriage people hold hands everywhere, are in the front line of getting photos clicked together, call each other baby and eat in one plate. They seem to be more in love than the people who have fought their families for years to be together. No reason they can’t be, my parents had an arranged marriage and they seem to be doing ok. But then I am cynical, negative bastard who sees things this way, that there is no reason to poster your love for your spouse all over cyberspace. I mean people already are putting “oh my god my kid looks so cute while pooping” or “Please like this photo to end all wars” why add my ‘first karwachauth with the best husband in the world’ to the mix? But people still do it with so much tenacity that it amazes me.

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