The idiot's guide to be a feminist

 

Feminism is THE Fad right now, just like patriotism was in the 1999. Whatever you want to sell; be it cooking oil, deodorant or yourself, this is THE bandwagon you want to jump on.
So do you generally like females and want to put this liking into a moneymaker? Or you like boys instead but since the women have never harmed you, you want to help them out? Or since your friends are already against animal cruelty, gun violence, genetically modified crops and Hitler, you want to have your own topic where you can passionately berate the whole world for? Or you just an attention commercial sex worker (we do not use the word ‘whore’ now)? Then read right on because even if you thought till now that the glass ceiling is just the roof of a Greenhouse this blog will make you the uber feminist who can run circles around Angelina Jolie.

See the first thing you need is a Tumblr account for a blog, not Wordpress or Blogpost but Tumblr. It is the holy ground where all Feminists congregate, the last bastion of the pure world which is not polluted by misogynistic pigs with their catcalls, rape threats and acid attacks. Then you need a name for it, a name has to be something powerful which screams out that you will not take the oppression of the patriarchy anymore, in fact you will take the very thing they shamed you with and wear it proudly like a gilded armor. That is where the names like Menstruating Minstrel or Voluble Vulva come in. Or you can go with something panglossian like ‘Girl Boss’ or ‘Women on top of the whole wide world while everyone else is like way down’ as well. Of course something masculinist of this type would be totally absurd, for example Penis Soliloquy can only be an adult cartoon strip and a name like Speaking Scrotum would be just plain offensive.

Now that you have decided upon the name you need something to talk about. It has to be something everyone can relate to, so keep it an everyday topic and explain how it is actually a conspiracy of evil men. Something like: How using the word Friendzone propagates rape culture or how older relatives wanting hugs is equal to rape. Ok maybe not those two, since they are already taken. But there are plenty of topics out there, like how the name ball point pens is sexist and how feminists will call them ovary point pens henceforth. Or how the iOS development is funded by men because it only has Silent mode but no PMS mode. Or how the umbrella is made phallus like by men and a gender neutral umbrella would be perfectly horizontal when open. Perhaps you can quote specific instances of your life, for example the last time you saw a shitfaced girl in a bar and all her male friends asked her not to drive and take a taxi, which is incredibly patriarchal of them, to assume she will not be able to drive at night.

However just these opinions and point of views will not last a long time. So you have to support causes, causes can be anything related to women. One favorite cause of a group of feminists was to support Hillary Clinton, and she was to be supported because she was a woman. Anybody who objected to the point that supporting her just because she is a woman is actually sexism was straightway termed misogynist, anti-feminist and a woman enslaver. That was a fun group, more power to them! Then there causes like giving higher stars to Sushmita Sen movies on IMDB because she is a strong independent woman and needs encouragement. Or asking for equal representations in colleges and workforce and protesting every institution which does not have 50% women. However care has to be taken so as not be grouped with people asking for OBC reservation in colleges or SC/ST reservations in private jobs, because those people are stupid, casteist and do not understand that these positions should be filled with merit as they currently are. You can also twist innocent statements into anti-women messages: Movie star thanked his father in the award speech? Why? He doesn’t love his mother more who gave him birth? Must be anti-woman. On asking for opinion a guy says that his girlfriend’s hair is too short? Round up the posse and get that girl to break up from that guy at once, because he is a control freak who is body shaming his girlfriend and taking away her control over her own body. You can go on and on like that

And then you have your basic outrage, the meat and potatoes of every true feminist. Feminists are supposed to vociferous about any crime committed against women. All rapists, child molesters, abusive husbands and boyfriends, dowry harassers should be skinned alive, their genitals cut and fried in a pan, then torn limb to limb and their insides left to rot in the open. Because these people do not belong to a civilized society like ours and have no humanity in them. Lesser crimes than these against women should at least carry the death penalty to act as a deterrent to men and push them to commit more benign crimes like murder. Spend some time on smaller outrages as well, like sharing photo of guys on social media accused of catcalling or molesting without any fact checking. Applauding women who beat the men who were harassing them because violence from women on men is totally ok and not double standards at all. Another good example is sharing photos with the message “This man/woman was seen carrying this baby but the baby does not look like his/hers”, don’t worry about the moral implication, judging someone based on their looks or clothes is totally ok till it the look is without makeup and the clothes are not fashionable. Brand anyone asking questions about a woman’s allegation as performing moral policing or victim blaming. The list is long but you’ll soon get the hang of it.

Finally it is the positivity messages and a show of how proud you are to be a woman, which is nothing like being proud of something else you are just born with. So you gotta post all your photos on with captions like ‘Girl power’, ‘Woman on top’, ‘Girl boss’ or ‘Proud to be a mother/sister/daughter’. And keep a lookout for those groups of guys having ‘Cool Boys’ stickers on their cars or stuff like that, because those men were not raised right by their parents.

Keep going like that and soon you’ll be a feminist with a capital F, a celebrity and a well respected member of the society, life of every party and envy of all your friends. Your Tumblr hits and reblogs will be in millions, people will queue outside your door to know your opinion about what to do with armpit hair, what movies to see, which words to use and how to raise their kids right. All by just following the above easy five points! You are welcome!
 

P.S. – As the above text suggest I am not a feminist. However I am also not a sexist. I believe in equal opportunities for everyone and in everything. Feminism must be about equal opportunities and not woman first, keep it sensible. And watch out for fakers.