Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Dolphin out of Sea

I'm no stranger to moving. Where am I from is a bittersweet question to me. I was born in Udaipur, then moved to Bikaner when I was 4, then moved to Kota when I was 9 , then moved to Bangalore when I was 17 and spend the best 4 years of my life there. Hardly a day goes by when I don't miss Bangalore, I had the best time of my life in Bangalore and I had the worst time of my life in Bangalore. The good times were many, roaming around on Brigade Road, getting drunk in Dhanlakshmi bar, rides on my bike when I felt truly free, spending time with the girl I loved, dancing my now famous (read ridiculed) 'beer dance' in Spinn. They seem blurred and all at once.

But it's the bad times I remember more clearly, I was a complete mess when I had broken up, I couldn't sleep for months, used to drink like a madman, do weird stuff, say mean and uncalled things to my ex, and thought this over and over "What happened, where did I go wrong" and used to listen to Snow Patrol's 'Chasing cars' and 3 doors down's 'Here without you'. I don't know I fared better or worse than most but I know fared. At least I stopped being a trouble in her life, which mattered the most to me, though the pain I think I still carry. I had it all figured out I thought, I was gonna stay in Bangalore for 1 more year till she completed her 5 year course and gonna prepare for MBA staying there. I lied to my parents; but the worse part was I lied to myself that this is the best thing to do. But the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Everybody left Bangalore except me or got busy in their job, the one friend who was gonna stay in Bangalore with me, with whom I had moved in also left, that too without telling me that he was leaving for good. That's when I spent 15 hellish days in that house, I was supposed to prepare for CAT, I used to get up at 12 feeling all groggy and hungover and see the house empty, I all alone, I used to feel like throwing up; many times I almost did too. I tried to study for some time then I used to go to my brother's place to eat lunch and sit there and watch all kinds of nonsense on his TV till he came back, then I would start drinking and continue till I couldn't stand on my feet which would be generally by 4 in the night, then I would drag myself to my flat and go to sleep, I knew that if even for a minute I had to lie awake alone in that house I would go insane. Things went from bad to worse and I decided I couldn't stay in Bangalore any more, my time was up. I called my Mom and said I was coming.

I moved back to Kota again for a year and I swore that I was gonna make something of my fucked up life and not to plan for the future, just take each day as it comes. And it became my signature line that I don't plan for more than a day ahead, but in reality I never stopped planning. In fact I planned for contingencies too now, I was not only 'the man with the plan' but now the man with the plan 'B'. But I just stopped believing and putting my hope in my plans. I felt terribly terribly alone sometimes. I used to drive around alone in my car listening to Bic Runga's 'Drive'. I almost had a relationship there when I was in Kota. I use the word 'almost' because it was like a short term pact of convenience for both of us which broke as soon as she didn't have any need for it, when she moved to Bombay.

Then I moved to Greater Noida again, I had dreamt of going to Bombay and studying in either K J Somaiya or Welingkar, but as fate would have it that didn't happen and I got through Bimtech, I had my reservations and wasn't too pleased even when I joined the college, it felt like a Jail coming from Ramaiah. But what I loved and still miss were the people, even though I was there for just 20 days. I am still good friends with all of them. I lived the real hostel life for the first time and started loving it. That song 'Kabhi Kabhi Aditi' reminds of that phase always, maybe because that when the move had come out. I almost started settling in and making plans, but god decided that the drama in my life was not enough, so one day I got a call from my parents saying that some Ravi Sharma had called from IMI saying that I got through and would I like to join the course. I dismissed it saying that might be some other course of them as the result of the main course was out long before. But the next day I got a mail saying that I was in. I felt happy and sad both at the same time. Happy for getting into a good college and sad for leaving all the new friends and almost settled life.

So after 20 days I moved to Delhi and shacked up at my brother's friend's place, tried to house hunt but didn't make any real efforts. After a week or so one of my classmates said that he is looking for a roommate and said the room is good and all. I said yes without even seeing the room and moved in there. I don't know how I felt, I don't remember, or whether I got any time at all to feel anything after all the work Prof Singhvi was giving us. Then my roommate got through IIM and left. So I found a new place and settled in well. And I still see it in my thoughts, Mikey sitting on the bean bag saying "Arey tum chup karo, 2 peg mae to tum so jaate ho", Khandu spread on the bed saying "Brother ye sab BC band karo aur baalti se meri beer nikaal do". I remember the whole night planning of strategies of AOE and post game analysis.

But as all good things come to an end so did the MBA in delhi and I moved back to Kota again. Spent an uneventful (expect a few stray incidents here and there) 2 and half months there till I got a call from M&M people asking me to come to Mumbai.

Life was never the same again. I was shuttled to Pune from Mumbai, then to Zaheerabad, then to Hyderabad, back to Pune again and then to this place – Calcutta. It's been 5 days here and I haven't got a single day off even though one Sunday and one 'bandh' being in these days. The good thing about this whole trip was the people I got to meet in these cities, my 2 cousins and a friend whom I wanted to meet since long.

In my sales training my trainer classified me as a Dolphin, among other things he said 'To kill a dolphin just remove him from his group and it will die. I am feeling the weight of this sentence lying in my room alone in Calcutta listening to 'Bin tere' from I hate luv storys and worrying about finding a place to stay. It scarily reminds me of my last 15 days of Bangalore.

P.S. – It's not my normal style to confess things this blatantly on my blog, but I can't help it, maybe it is for as Anirudh Singh said "for cathathris". Damn it! I even miss him and his non-sensical Sci-fi!! As I re read the post I realized that this is hastily and emotionally written. But I am not going to change it to my normal style, I want it to be this way so I can look back and see exactly how I felt at this time.


  1. Andy...

    just call it a momentary lapse of emotions. Sometimes, its good to let go, rather than living with it. Now that I got to know ur other side as well. Everyone has it and it gets complicated all the while. I hope you might have got much needed sleep after writing this :)


  2. How did you stumble onto this ? I just wrote it last night and didn't put up the link anywhere.
    Ya it is a phase I'm going through, I hope I will snap out of it soon ....

  3. as i always knew all too well, you are not a complete kamina, just a annoying piece of shit at times....well written bro.

  4. @Angad - Thank you for your kind words !!


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