Monday, October 25, 2010

In an Absolut world - 2

Continuing on my vision for an Absolut™ world I think the following points should definitely exist in one –

If you have driven around in any of the Indian Cities sooner or later you would come across to what has been termed as the 'Hand of God', it's when you are doing 60 on a empty road suddenly a pedestrian pops in front of you and shows the stop sign with his hand like a traffic policeman and crosses the road. If you get too close he won't mind shouting at you a few obscenities, because he actually expected you to freeze wherever you are, doesn't matter if it wasn't the zebra crossing, it even doesn't matter if the vehicles have the first right on the road and it still doesn't matter if the vehicle hit him or her the vehicle may lose at most a few spare parts but he may lose his life. But no, you should stop dead in the tracks for you have been shown the 'Hand of God'

Well in an Absolut™ world there will be some reward points for running over the hand of god pedestrians. If some khadus looking uncle tries to give you the hand when you were happily cruising at a good speed listening to favorite song, don't brake, in fact step over the pedal and run over the bastard and get a pat on the back and reward points for doing so.

Have you ever come across a skinny guy wearing faded jeans and chappals and a tee shirt which says "Sorry girls, I only date models" or an overweight, spectacle wearing, hair tied in bun girl wearing a tee shirt saying 'Rock Chic'? I have, and there's nothing more annoying than that (except maybe the TV Reality Shows)

In an Absolut™ world these kinds of tee shirts will require a prescription from a stylist or at least some kind of qualification in terms of dress sense. This way at least the tee shirt and its message won't be de graded.

Now we are living in world where there are no poor people, just some people at the bottom of the Pyramid, there are no Muslims in our country either but some people belonging to the minority community. People have also successfully overcome the difficulties of the handicapped persons, by giving them some physical or mental challenges.

In an Absolut™ world a spade would be called a spade, a short person will be called short instead of vertically challenged. And when I will lose all my hair on my head I would be bald and not cranium coat deprived or some shit like that. No politically correct Euphemisms!

Since the Tiger survey came out which said only 1411 of them left people across the world or at least on its third most populous country i.e. Facebook really came together and worked seriously towards conservation of the tigers. They joined communities of 'save the tiger' campaign, clicked the like button on the 'save the tiger' pages some even went on the extra mile and copy pasted 'save our tigers, only 1411 of them left' as their status message. I really can't tell how many of them think the tiger poachers would be cowering in their home seeing the sheer size of the members of 'save the tiger' community on Facebook or how many tiger hunters were in their friend list who would have a change of heart after seeing their heart wrenching appeal to save the tigers, I really really have no clue. And there is no dearth 'Good Samaritans' on Facebook there are people clicking like on 'save a girl child', 'reduce poverty', 'don't indulge in nuclear warfare' and what not.

In an Absolut world the whole of Facebook would be monitored by the government and every time somebody joined the 'Save the Tiger' community immediately they would be served a summon for 50 hours community work in the forests where the tigers resided. Whenever someone liked 'Reduce Poverty' they would have a sum of Rs 10000 deducted from their bank accounts to help the poor. That they would realize that if you want to make a change in this world don't click on random buttons which makes you look cool & socially considerate and costs nothing but in fact do some actual work.

And lastly something which is very close to my heart. In an Absolut™ world anybody who ordered mixed a scotch with stuff like Thums Up or Coke or Sprite and then claimed something like "Yaar kasam se waise to maine bahut daaru pee hai lekin ye saali Scotch to bahut Smooth hai" would be shot on sight. The scotch master died blending this stuff for you and while he was busy working on the aroma, palate, and finish of this golden liquid you were pouring cola over it! And for people who ordered truck loads of snacks like Peanut Masala and Tandoori Chicken etc. along with doing the aforementioned to further kill the taste and aroma …. Well for them let's just say I might have to get medieval on their ass.


  1. That was superb boss. let us make this a reality

  2. iski citizenship batna shuru karo....m already in..ready 2 enjy dual citizenship

  3. Ha ha ha ... Dual citizenship ka funda nahi hai isme ... Ek baar yahan aa gaye to aa gaye .... Dekh lo , rules and regulations bahut strict hai yahan , especially daaru ko leke ....


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