In an Absolut world - MBA Interview

Well inspired from the Absolut Vodka's campaign I will be writing about some of my own thoughts for a perfect world.

I'll start from what has become a living nightmare for me these days MBA Interviews.

MBA Interview

Professor : So Mr Chauhan come in and please sit down.....

Me : I already am in Sir and I figured that these chairs are for me only to sit down so I did

Professor : Ok. So tell me something about yourself.

Me : Well I'm crazy about music. I love to party. I have a huge music collection. In fact I secretly wished to be a DJ but I thought I'll earn more money being a manager so I am here. I'm a engineer, from correspondence, now don't ask how. I was a average student in school and had no idea about MBA but started preparing for IIT as it was a big thing in my city. Nearly missed it the 2nd time. So I figured as you are in a average college so its better to have fun.

Professor : So what was your favorite subject in college ?

Me : You seem to have a short memory sir. I said I was busy having fun in college. And nobody likes any subject which they have to study forcefully.

But you can ask me anything about Automobiles because I'm sure that I have 5 times more knowledge in it then any old man can have. And I have mugged up the names of the CEOs of the big companies, their turnover , no of cars produced etc.

Professor : Naah, never mind. you scared me already. Now I will have to ask some HR questions to save face.

Me : Shoot.

Professor : So tell me about your strengths and weaknesses ?

Me : Well sir my strength is that I can drink most guys under the table. I never puke. I never get into fights, or into accidents or majorly embarrass the people with me. I once drank 14 bottles of beer after my breakup and lived to tell the tale.

Weakness, that would again be Booze, I can't resist it. Come exam the next day or Hell or High water. And also I can't get up early in the morning.

Professor : So what are u doing about your weaknesses ?

Me : Sir if I have to get up early then nowdays I don't sleep only and catch up with the missed sleep on the way or in class or at work.

Professor : Hmmm... So tell me an example where you took charge of a difficult situation and came out of it.

Me : Sir once my friend Tarun took me to a place where about 30 guys were ready to bash my bones and it was just the 2 of us. My friends had gone elsewhere and we were alone. But I showed courage in the face of danger and patted the opposite group's leader on the back and said
"Bas yahi ? Jaa apne baap ko bhi bula le hum log tab aate hai" and coolly drove out of there.

Professor : Very good. Now show me an example of your managerial skills.

Me : Sir once my friends had planned a huge party at my place and didn't even tell me about it. But I was asked by one of my friends if I'm having a party at my place (PR). Then i confirmed it the people who had planned the party and started preparing. First I got rid of my flatmate and girl friend (HR) because I knew what ruckus it was going to be (Long term vision). Then I made a list of things required such as plastic glasses, snacks, plates, chilled water and cold drinks and told them where to get it from (material resource planning/logistics). Then I messaged everyone to come at my place for the party, I messaged because it was free (Marketing on a budget). We were a little short of cash so arranged for the money from other people. Interest free loans with no repay period (finance). After we started drinking I made sure that everybody had his glass full and everybody was close to a bottle (Operations). People who asked for whiskey got whiskey, vodka for vodka and beer lovers got beer (Quality control/Six Sigma). Everybody not only got drunk in the end and but some people were totally smashed (Moving from Consumer Satisfaction to Customer delight). I even asked if anybody was drunk that night the next day (Marketing research).

So you see I was born to be a manager.


Professor : Impressive but can you work under stress ?

Me : Well I have studied on the night before the exam every time during my engineering so this can tell you loads about my stress management capabilities.

But I'll give you an even better example. You see sir when I was in my 3rd year my Parents made a surprise visit to Bangalore. They just called me an hour before they were about to reach. And I had just woken up at 4 o clock and was hung over from the night before due to drinking like an maniac. And not to mention that my house was filled with empty liquor bottles and cigarette stubs. From the bed to the curtains everything stank of cigarette. And yes sir I also lived in with my girl friend which my parents didn't knew.

But in that one hour i cleaned out the house, changed the bed sheets, removed the curtains. Threw away the bottles and cigarettes, washed my Dust bin. Removed my girl friend and her stuff. And got a new room mate complete with his books and clothes. And my parents still don't have a clue.

Professor : Wow ! And whom do you consider your Idol ?

Me : Sir Mithunda. In the epic movie Gunda he was one step short of god. Not only was he a good son and a good brother but also a good husband and father. He showed us how to combat evils like flesh trade, Prostitution, Corruption and the value of citizen partnership in law upkeep and benefits of adoption. And not to forget the value of being punctual by his dialogue "Do chaar cheh aanth dus... bus !!!"

And he was not only a dancer, choreographer, musician, poet rolled in one but also a race car driver, weight lifter, boxer, karate expert, Jodoka and expert in all firearms including pistol, sniper rifle and bazooka.

And all the while he was working as a Coolie at the Airport.

Professor : So do u read ?

Me : Yes sir.

Professor : So what was the last book you got to read ?

Me : Well actually sir the last book I read was "Letters to Penthouse" where the Crazy Americans share their all sex stories but I would rather quote something from V.S Naipaul or Salman Rushdie. I have never read any of there books because I can't fathom why anybody would go through 500 pages about a story that is boring, consult a dictionary every two mins to reach a ending which doesn't make any sense or conclude. But I have read their plot summaries and tens of their reviews on the net and mugged all of them up.


Professor : So why this Institute ?

Me : Well after no calls from IIMs or XLRI and getting the shaft from all the top level institutes I have no option to come to you. Also that the college is in a hip locality and I also the heard the chicks in the nearby colleges are hot. Also your website quotes though fake but a high maximum package for last year.

Professor : And why should we take you ?

Me : Duh... I'm willing the pay the fees. And after clearing a challenging exam like CAT i have crammed up truck loads of data about our GDP growth rate, Purchasing power parity, Sub prime crisis, stock markets and difference between bonds and debentures. And facts that I'm never going to use like President of Uganda, editor of outlook business, Finance minister of china, people below poverty line in the US of A.

And the fact that I have traveled 1000 kms to get here, staying in sidey hotel for 2 days now, dressed up in a business suit in the July heat and have dealt with Insane amounts of stress since morning without eating anything. So if that doesn't convince you, nothing will.

Professor : Ok Anirudh, last question. Why do you want to a MBA ?

Me : Well Sir i will be really honest on this one. Well I have seen my parents my whole life taking orders from people who were not even half as competent as them. My friends being tortured by their bosses, while the boss took the credit for everything and the blame always went to the employees. So I thought I better bypass this step and directly enter at higher in the food chain. I would rather dish out shit than take shit from someone.

Also that managers get better paid, promoted faster. Have power lunches, get to travel a lot on company money for sitting in an A/C room passing around vague terms , buzzwords and weasel terms and then get drunk in the night in the post meeting dinner. And videos like 'Naughty Office' where the boss gets lucky with the secretary have made my conviction even stronger.

And lastly the thing is that I made a complete mess of my engineering. And the only way to purge my sins and not spend 10 years of my life sitting in front of the comp typing codes was to do a MBA.

Professor : Well that'll be all. Thank you Anirudh.

Me : Thank you sir.