Saturday, January 22, 2011

Professional Talk




Warning: If you are a girl reading this you should stop right here. And in case you still want to read on further, FYI every guy you know, yes every guy talks like this so don’t judge us or be offended.

And it is not supposed to make any sense to the people who are not acquainted with these industries.

How bankers talk about a girl –

1st Banker : "Dekh kya mast case hai !!"
2nd Banker : "Case to mast hai bhai, pitch kar, may be client maan
jaye"
1st Banker : "Yaar bada high CIBIL score hai iska, kahi se to
iski limits chal rahi hogi"
2nd Banker : "To kya hua, take over kar le, nahi to multiple banking
mae karte hai"
3rd Banker : "Is case ki baat kar rahe ho, ye to already multiple
banking mai hai, maine bhi CAM dala tha last year par thuk gya tha"
3rd Banker :"Par suna hai multiple banking mai hai and dono banks
pari passu bhi share karte hai"
1st Banker : "Kya baat kar raha hai ? pari passu share karte hai ?"
2nd Banker : "Mai to subservient charge pe karne ko tayaar hun
case, client maane to"
2nd Banker :"Topline to dekh, kitni fadu hai"
1st Banker : "Saale meri to bottomline dekh ke hil gyi"
2nd Banker: “Bhaai bas ek baar balance sheet closely analyse karne ko mil jaaye, for to aisi pitch dunga kee client dauda chala aayega mere pass. Khud to kya apne doston ka bhi case leke chala aayega”
1st Banker: Ek baar client maan jaye fir to bottomline mae aisa cash insertion karunga kee bottomline double ho jayegi
2nd Banker – Main to topline mae insertion karunga, bottomline aise hee sudhar jayegi.

How IT people talk about a girl –

1st Guy - Woh dekh kya sahi project hai

2nd Guy - Haan kaafi bada project lagta hai

1st Guy - Haan par uska implementation ho chuka hai. Main to sirf uske support ke
liye try kar raha hoon...

2nd Guy - Bhai tu toh already ek project hai. Main bench pe hoon, mujhe try maarne
de.

1st Guy - Bhai saab, maine system down time daal daal ke uss project ke baare mein
research kiya hai.

2nd Guy - Toh dost kuch KT toh de.

1st Guy - Yaar uska implementation IBM mein hi ho gaya tha. Yahan support chal
raha hai 2 saal se...

2nd Guy - Yaar ye IBM se bahut sahi projects aate hain. Configuration toh error
free hota hi hai, servers bhi bade hote hain.

1st Guy - Sahi bola... Kaafi load le lete hain...

2nd Guy - Aur bata...

1st Guy - IBM mein medium sized project tha yeh... infy mein itne customizations
hue ki itna bada project ho gaya hai. Sab jaana chahte hai isme...

2nd Guy - Ye baat. Onsite opportunities kya hain...

1st Guy - Maine suna hai kee pehle 2-3 months offshore hee rehna padta hai. Uske baad performance pe aur client requirement pe depend karta hai kab onsite jaane ka mauka mile..

2nd Guy - Kitne log jaa chuke hain onsite..

1st Guy – Yaar ye to pata nahi

(third person arrives)

3rd Guy - Kiski baat kar rahe ho...

1st Guy - Yaar tu uss bade project ko jaanta hai??

3rd Guy – Abey usko kaun nahi jaanta. Main khus uss project mein kaam kar chuka
hoon.

2nd Guy - Har doosra aadmi yehi bolta hai. Proof kya hai??

3rd Guy - Yaar main uss project ke DL mae bhi hoon. Le outlook check kar le.

1st Guy & 2nd Guy - Oh behn di... kab kaam kiya tha tune uss project pe.

3rd Guy - Bhai 1 saal pehle tha... tab itna bada nahi tha project... par newly
implemented project pe kaam karne kaa bhi alag mazza hai.

- shuru shuru mein bahut bugs the... saalon ko nikaal nikaal ke thak gaya...
weekends pe baith baith ke regression test karta tha...

- 4 mahine baad mujhe onsite jaane ka indication mila.. Maine fatafat
multiple entry visa ka intezaam kar liya. Bhaiyon main onsite toh pehle bhi gaya hoon lekin is project ke toh mazze hi alag the...

2nd Guy - Yaar main kabhi onsite gaya hi nahi hoon... Hamesha bench pe hi marayi
hai... E-learning se hi kaam chalana padhta tha...

3rd Guy - Bhai phir toh tera iss project mein chance hi nahi hai. Iss project
mein ghussne ke liye prior project experience ke saath saath domain
expertise bhi zaroori hai.

1st Guy - Teri expertise kis cheez mein hai..

3rd Guy - Background jobs..

1st Guy - yaar woh toh execute karna mushkil hi hai...

3rd Guy – Haan main bhi isiliye seekh paaya kyunki mera pehla project bahut puraana tha aur usme background jobs ka hi kaam baaki tha...

2nd Guy – Paar aao to 1 saal se implementation project mae ho.
3rd Guy – Abey asli learning support mae hai, implementation mae nahi, wahan to puri zindagi ek kee project mae kat jaati hai. Support ka kaam badhiya hai. 3 – 4 mahine tak support karo fir chod do, aur gooda hai to ek time mae multiple projects support kar sakte ho

3rd Guy to 2nd Guy – Lekin tu bata, tu aaj tak bina project ke hai?? College wollege mae bhi nahi?

2nd Guy - Haan sir... Main U.P. TECH university ka mechanical engg hoon.. Wahan
toh aap jaante hi ho kitne ghatiya internal projects hote hai... Aur ab
yahan bpm waalon jaisi haalat ho gayi hai, project hi nahi milte...

1st Guy - Isiliye bolta tha chutiye bangalore mein engg kar.. Wahan badhiya
projects bhi hote hai aur exposure bhi bahut milta hai...

3rd Guy - Rehne de, tu toh hamesha buffer hi raha hai saare projects mein...

1st Guy - Bhai buffer mein rehne ka alag hi mazza hai.. Easy tickets hi assign
hote hai fatafat kaam karo aur ghar jao... Billable nahi hoon toh apni poori
aish chalti hai... Project mein billable hone ke matlab, time pe aao time pe
jao, aur buffer hone ka matlab khulla nahao khulla khao..

3rd Guy - Yaar woh toh hai
2nd to 3rd Guy – Accha sir lekin fir aap is project se release kaise hue?
3rd Guy - Iss project se release main apni hi galtiyon ki wajah
se hua tha.

2nd Guy - kya hua tha???

3rd Guy - Yaar main itna bore ho gaya tha.. Onsite bhi ek se hi tickets milte the,
main der se jaake jaldi swipe out kar deta tha. Finally mujhe kharab
performance ki wajah se 3 hafte offshore rakha aur phir project se release
kar diya. Ye hi nahi CRR 3 aur de diya, saala company mae aur projects tak milne ke waande ho
gaye the

2nd Guy – Kya ? CRR 3 aur release bhi ? Hahahahha, Aapka toh double ka meetha ho gaya!!!

3rd Guy – Bhai dusro ke phate mein taang mat ada. Kasam se 8 mahine tak e learning hi
karta raha. Saare course kar dale, reading wale, video waale, interactive
waale, animated waale.. 1 saal pehle hi ek ghatiya domestic project mila
hai, tu toh jaanta hi hai bangalore ke local projects kitne ghatiya hote
hai. Implementation ka wo bhi. Par maine fir bhi le liya, bench pe hone se to kuch bhi better hai.

2nd Guy – Haan sir, mujhe toh koi bhi project mil jaye, set ho lunga. Mujhe toh waise hi
project experience nahi hai. Coding, testing, debugging sab kar daalunga.. Abhi toh apni kismat apne hi haath mein hai..

How Automobile Salesman talk about a girl –

1st Guy – Boss ye kaunsa model aaya hai market mae?
2nd Guy – Naya model hai, BMW 352535. Abhi launch hua hai is market mae
1st Guy – Kya fender hai aur spoiler bhi ekdum sahi hai.
2nd Guy – Arey interior bhi utna hee sahi hai, batate hai andar pink upholstery hai, aur dials kee to baat hee mat kar
1st Guy – Naya model hai ekdum? Yaar jiski ek prerelease testing kari hogi to zindagi ban gayi hogi
2nd Guy – Sahi hai, testing track pe naya model daudane ka maza hee kuch aur hai.
1st Guy – Top end model lag raha hai ekdum, price kya hai iska?
2nd Guy – Abhi tak company ne price to release nahi kiya lekin suna hai kaafi high hai
1st Guy – Koi baat nahi, iske liye to koi bhi price zyada nahi hai. Market mae kya report hai?
2nd Guy – Abey mere ek dost ne iski test ride lee hai, ek hafte tak khada raha tha uska
1st Guy – Company ab bhi de rahi hai kya test ride?
2nd Guy – Haan de to rahi hai lekin saale ye koi Maruti 800 nahi hai kee ghuse showroom mae aur test ride le lee. Luxury car hai, sirf aukaat walo ko hee test ride milti hai
1st Guy – Luxury ke saath saath agar performance bhi ho to fir kya baat hai.
2nd Guy – Performance kee to baat mat kar, mera dost bata raha tha kee 0 – 100 in under 6 seconds, aur top speed pe to tu sambhal hee nahi sakta gaadi ko.
1st Guy – O teri Bhen dee! Safety bhi hai kee nahi koi gaadi mae.
2nd Guy – Factory fitted twin airbags hai, aur kya chahiye?
1st Guy – Yaar bonnet nahi khulwa sakte warna ek baar main iska engine dekhna chahta huun.
2nd Guy – Arey wo to mere dost nae dekha tha, bol raha the ekdum high quality german engine hai.
1st Guy – Kya baat hai! Aur maintenance?
2nd Guy – Ab yaar aisi gaadiyon ka maintenance to high hee hoti hai. Aur petrol bhi bahut peeti hai. Aur wo bhi sirf Speed, normal petrol daalne kee try mat karna isme?
1st Guy – Tu petrol ka load na le, ye samajh kee khud ha hee pump hai. Full tank karayenge aur khuub daudayenge.
2nd Guy – Aur haan cylinder ekdum tight hai, piston daalne se pehle engine oil khub hona chahiye, agar theek se lubriucation nahi hua to engine seize ho jayega
1st Guy – Bhenchod agar ye engine seize to to kahin ka nahi rahunga.
2nd Guy – Haan aur gaadi ka dhyan bhi rakhna padega, wash din mae kam se kam 2 baar.
1st Guy – Arey ye gaadi to main apne haath se wash karna pasand karunga. Kisi ka haath nahi lagane dunga
2nd Guy – Haan dhyan to rakhna padega, abhi mere ek dost nae aisi hee gaadi lee thee lekin chutiye nae driver rakh liya
1st Guy – Fir?
2nd Guy – Fir kya? Driver nae bahut daudayi gaadi aur fir 5 mahine jab suspension baith gaya to naukri chod ke kahi aur chala gaya
1st Guy – Kya 5 mahine mae hee suspension baith gaya?
2nd Guy – Rough handling karta hoga saala, aur fir ye Luxury car hai koi SUV nahi kee Ghaziabad kee sadkon pe dauda rahe ho 90 kee speed mae. Smooth road pe chalaoge to bhagegi smoothly ekdum
1st Guy – Bas bhaai bahut bol diya hai. Kitna bhi finance lena pade baahar se lekin ye gaadi to hona!
2nd Guy – Sahi hai bas jab baahar jaaye to mere pass chod dena kuch din chalane ke liye.

Post Credited to Amit Khanna, Akshat Govila and Myself in that order.
Comment to tell which one you liked the most

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