Saturday, May 26, 2012

Descent into Madness (Again)

 "I have labored to pass many a days but my years have flew by"

I have got 10 mins to pen my thoughts, then I need to take a shower and head out to get more drunk. I am two beers down and feeling like writing. I just watched Dev D in parts for the 100th time and whole thing is feeling like Deja Vu.

I have been in this place before, at least two times I can distinctly remember. Days seem like a half remembered dream, I get up, push myself to go to work, even though I hate going to office, but I get this sense of urgency that works needs to be done. I feel like leaving office barely 2 hours into it and everyday I tell myself " Leave office early just this day, have some fun, catch a break" But I know there is no fun to be had, and the break is too short lived, too momentary. So I end up staying in office later than usual. For the last two weekends I was traveling, travel that could change the entire course of my life. But now they seem non consequential too. Week started right after that. Days are a blur now ,so much so that I can't tell one day apart from the other, I seriously can't recall when most things happen. Was it a Monday or a Tuesday, I frequently get confused in conversations and make mistakes. Other correct me very often now. Everyday I feel like running away, and everyday I tell myself not to, to endure it for just one day.

Nights are no better either. I time myself in the mornings. It takes me 15 mins (give or take) to leave from home and reach my desk. Out of that 5 odd mins are the drive from my home to office, 10 mins are taken up by the walk from the parking to my desk in my building. I do it pretty fast, fast as in I walk fast and overtake everyone walking in the same direction, it almost feels like I have a sense of purpose, a reason and a hurry to be somewhere. But the longest walk of the day is the walk back to my car from the building, it never seems to end and I get this cloud of despair over me. I have no reason to go back home, nothing awaits me, I am just exchanging one set of worries with another, that is office with an empty house. I always change my music from dance music to hard but melancholy rock on the way back. And then I can't sleep. I have had trouble sleeping for many years but the current stint is the worst. I can't sleep at night, get up early in the morning and have trouble falling asleep again. I am tired and underslept most of the day, hence I have to push myself to go to office.

And I can't see any remedy in the near future. I need a break, a vacation; I really really do. I am going to Delhi next month, I sincerely hope that works. Till then I am going to push myself through each day and pray I don't go insane.


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