Monday, May 7, 2012

The girl you love or the who girl who loves you?

Are you one who has loved
With the passion of a burning fire
Or are you the one who said ‘I love you too’
And in same breath called yourself a liar

But I will stop the watch
And inanely compose such a rhyme
Knowing no one will answer, I‘d ask,
Whom do you wanna be this time?

Whom would you marry? It’s an honest question. Probably some romantic idealists would say neither, but in a world of 6 Billion people what is the probability that the person you love also found you and only you to love? Or the other way around? Very bleak I would say. And if you are saying that you don’t know the whole world then you are just compromising with the people who you know; while your soulmate (if such a thing exists) might be some other country, speaking some other language and probably 20 year older than you.

That leaves me with this question and this very real scenario. Even in the most perfect couples there is always some power imbalance, somebody who first initiated the dialogue or dropped hints at the start of the relationships; somebody who mostly makes up first after a fight; somebody who is a little insecure; somebody who got told he or she is lucky to have found the other person.

So whom do you wanna be the lover or the loved? The person who took pity on the other person because he or she has been there even after rebuttals, insults and being used & discarded. Or the other person who thinks that the other is the one who he or she was destined to be with and can’t be without? Who always wanted to take care of her and is now able to, who always wanted to be the center of his attention and cause of his smile and now finally is.  

“Through the storm, we reach the shore
You gave it all but I want more” –

I think it is better to marry the girl who loves you. It makes better sense logically. You can count on her loyalty. She will always go the extra mile to please you, she will watch the movies you want, eat food you like and have sex when you feel like. She will say sorry first when you fight, go away when you are angry and come back when you need support. It is her problem to make you like her and not the other way around; she will make you look good in front of her friends, throw surprise parties on your birthday and just smile when you forget hers. And if not anything else, it is huge ego boost to have someone doting on you so much.

Maybe you will someday fall in love with her, or at least you can tell yourself that. Ayn Rand had said that you need reasons to love someone. And whole hearted and blind love is a good reason as any. Any which ways you will get fond of her or at least dependent on her after you continue long enough. Hell you even start liking your dog that has been with you for 3 months, she is after all a human being. Least you can do is give her attention and an occasional act of kindness. Many people don’t even get that, and for most that is enough from the people they love. It will keep them satiated. One sided lovers have second -hand lives. They derive theirs from their lover; their happiness, their self-worth, their sense of purpose and their gratification. It is not a bad life if you ask me, for them I mean. They get happiness out of it and some distortion of a companionship. It is more than what half of the world is living with. And it certainly beats the bitterness, sarcasm and brewing but implicit hostility that is between many couples who never had or don’t have any love for each other anymore. But most of all you are not giving her the pain and heartbreak that someone gets when the love of their life leaves them. Many can’t get over it their entire lives and a few end it. It is the biggest favor anyone can do anyone if you ask me.

“Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you” –

Marry the girl you love and you will be playing catch-up your whole life, it is like the deer who runs for a pool of water in the desert and the farther he runs, further the pool of water of gets away from him. Sooner or later the deer dies of the thirst and exhaustion he accumulated running for that pool of water. The pool of water is a mirage, an illusion, something that is there somewhere but you will never find it, and that search will kill you in the end. The deer would have been better off if he had never started running for that water in the first place. Likewise is the love you would never get. It is a tough life, because no matter how much would you do for her, it would never be enough, the constant nagging that if I would have done that or done that better, she would love me back will kill you sooner or later. And if that doesn’t, the insecurity will; every late night, every afternoon lunch without you, anytime when her whereabouts are not known, every time she run towards the phone when it rings, every time she smiles at some stranger will drive a million daggers through your heart. Gregory David Roberts had once written – “Some loves are like that. Your heart starts to feel like an over-crowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and your independence. After a while you start throwing people out - your friends, everyone you used to know.   And it’s still not enough The lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it’s going to take you down with it.” Whom do you wanna be when then boat goes down? Rose or Jack? Trust me there is nothing sadder than one half of a great love that will never be.

I am a Nihilist, ontologically.  I don’t think life has a higher purpose. After we are gone there is nothing, we are ashes or dust. There is no greatness in self-sacrifice, morality, doing good for others, life is as Friedrich Nietzsche said “Regarding life, the wisest men of all ages have judged alike: it is worthless.”  But before that I am a hedonist, I believe that pleasure is the only intrinsic good. In very simple terms, a man is only goal is to strive to maximize net pleasure (pleasure minus pain). So what do you think will bring you the maximum pleasure? Of course marrying the girl who loves you.

And finally. Why do I ask this question? I don’t know. It is a good question to be asked. And I like Yossarian am a ‘collector of good questions’. For the most part I think it is habit of abyss gazing, and to quote Nietzsche again “And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” Of these two girls, I have none. And I had both. And what would I do? I would marry the girl I love. But then … I’m an emotional fool.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness” –
Friedrich Nietzsche

P.S. - If you bothered to read through 1275 words and 1300 whites spaces please do bother to leave a comment, I want to know what people feel about this whole affair.


  1. earlier u wrote a classic blog like never marry the girl whom you love (standing ovation for that)...and now u writing thoughts which every Yash raj chopra brand movies reflect..."jo tumse pyar kare, ussi se pyar karo" ( grrr)

    plz andy boi live upto my that every time u write i can say ...

    "gladiator, v salute u" :P

  2. Dev Babu ... Lagta hai kaafi lovey dovey ho gaya hai post ... Sab log Irony hee miss kar gaye ... Let me come up with a 'new improved version'...

  3. This was really well-written. It's not exactly novel, but I can't recall reading anything else that put across the issue so succinctly, and more importantly without being self-contradictory at some point.

    Also I thought I'd point out that just like U2's With or Without You contained the lyric you used in your post, the song prior to that in the album had the following words:
    'I have climbed highest mountains//
    I have run through the fields//
    Only to be with you (2)

    I have run, I have crawled//
    I have scaled these city walls, these city walls//
    Only to be with you'

    (If the verse ended there you'd think that Bono was the fan of the 'pursue the girl you love' ideology)

    But he caveats it by saying immediately after:-
    'But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.'

    Please keep writing.


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