Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Uzi and the Dragunov

Have you ever been in a war? Ok probably not, but I’m sure you must have played Counter Strike or seen the movie S.W.A.T. (Michelle Rodriguez looked hot in that by the way).
So the objective of every gunfight is simple and singular, kill and don’t get killed. And the weapon you chose on your opponent, the surrounding but most importantly your fighting style. Same goes for pataofying a girl.

I use the word Pataofy because there is no English equivalent. Asking a girl out, dating a girl, seducing a girl, banging a girl; all these phrases come nowhere close to what we mean in India as ‘ladki patana’. See westerners have a totally different approach towards it from us, they go on a date first, then get to know each other, then have sex and then say ‘I love you’. Here in India we get to know each other first, then date, then say ‘I love you’ (sometimes this step comes in second) and then somewhere far down the line comes the part why you engaged the enemy in the first place. The Indian approach has the term ladki patana in it and the common approaches are two – 

The Uzi approach

Also called the spray and pray approach, or as Counter Strike people will better understand it is fighting with an Ingram MAC-10. It’s simple, you just unleash a volley of bullets on the first target you see. You may or may not hit the target. If you do not, it’s OK, you still have plenty of bullets in your magazine. Your target will either take cover or just run away, the chances of being fired back is very less. And if you do hit, then also nothing much will happen, the damage and the accuracy of Uzi is very bad. You will need to fire again multiple number of times to take the target down.But very effective in close quarters, and for suppressing fire but totally useless if used at long range.

Translated for lover boys. You hit on the first girl you come across, you pay her a compliment or two, drop subtle hints that you like her, and ask your common friends to put in a good word for you. This is your first burst, if she responds or at least smiles back then it’s a hit. Now you need to fire again, now you would try to take her number on some pretext, ask for notes, have chat on the new movies and make plans to accidentally meet somewhere, lie about the things you like in common. And so on and so forth, keep firing again and again. If she doesn’t respond then also not a problem, you can just move on to the next girl and you can even do this with multiple girls at once, that is engaging multiple enemies is easy. And the biggest advantage of this approach of this that no girl will take offense with this approach and you can hit on her at a later point of time if your first try was unsuccessful.

The Dragunov Approach

You carefully identify the target that you can take down; if not then you wait for a suitable target to come in your sights. When you do get a target study its movement patterns very carefully and identify a good time to fire and then press the trigger when you are sure you won’t miss. Don’t worry about armor or other obstructions on the way, a Dragunov rifle can kill through distance of 3800 m through an inch of Kevlar with incendiary ammunition. But then you have to account for all these, and then the direction of the wind, the amount of recoil etc. before taking your shot. As sniper rifles have terrible reload rates, high muzzle flash and sound which makes them easy to spot and thus making them easy targets of counter fire. And thus the Sniper Motto is – One shot, one kill.  The Counter Strike equivalent would be wielding AWP.338 lapua magnum sniper rifle. It’s a deadly weapon and banned on many servers but it’s takes a lot of practice on bots to yield this weapon efficiently. Good while using it in long range and planned shot, totally useless if taken in by surprise or the target just pops up in front of you.

Translated for lover boys. You identify a girl you think you can Pataofy, if not then you sit and wait till you find such a girl. Do background research on her when you spot her, find out what she likes or dislikes before making any moves. When you are ready immediately make it clear from the outset that you want to be more than friends and make sure she is interested as well. Don’t worry about good friends, ex-boyfriends, best friends, bestest friends and other hangers on, this technique takes care of all of them. You then go through the normal motions of dating. At some point of time when you are sure she would say yes you pop the question, i.e. you fire, and if she says yes, which she will then you are done. The target is neutralized. But the problem would be if she would say no, it would be really embarrassing, you would look like a total fool in front of everyone and you have soured your relationship with that girl permanently. But in any case, instant answer awaits you

And my credentials?
Five shots. Four kills (Read about the one who got away here). Had a moving target in my sights ready to be fired upon. But then I spotted the enemy General and that is my prize shot. The General’s command was terminated with extreme prejudice. For me the war is over. With that I hang my combat boots. This is Alpha Charlie. Over and Out.

P.S. -

The Uzi is a family of Israeli open bolt, blowback-operated submachine guns.The first Uzi submachine gun was designed by Major Uziel Gal in the late 1940s.The Uzi has found use as a personal defense weapon by rear-echelon troops, officers, artillery troops and tankers, as well as a frontline weapon by elite light infantry assault forces.

The Dragunov sniper rifle is a semi-automatic sniper rifle/designated marksman rifle developed in the Soviet Union .It is used by Dragunov armed marksman to from (just behind) the first line target high value targets of opportunity and provide special long-distance disrupting and suppressive fire on the battlefield, even with sudden close encounters with enemy troops in mind. A relatively small number of marksmen could assist conventional troops by combating or harassing valuable targets and assets such as: enemy key personnel like officers, machinegun teams, anti-tank warfare teams, etc. Both these guns are being used by some units of the Indian Army as well.
Nobody has a Bazooka. Except maybe Brad Pitt or Mick Jagger.


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