Momentary Lapse of Reason: Why you should marry an alcoholic

All my advice till now has been for men, but now with the wave of feminism abound I guess it’s better to be called anything else but sexist. So this latest blog post is relevant for women; about how should they take the most important decision of their life. They should really, whole heartedly, thankfully marry an alcoholic.

Now I’m sure you must be eyeing this with the suspicion that all women eye everything men tell them, so let me recount you people the benefits of marrying an alcoholic –

He would never care if you don’t have your upper lip done, legs waxed, your Errr let’s just say private area shaved and won’t judge you if you don’t wear a sexy dress in the middle of December
He would be ready to drive 20 km one way in a 10Km/L petrol car at a cost of 75 Rs/L to find table mats on discount you saw once in a store on the left side of the road near a store you don’t really remember the name of. Just reward him with a quarter when he comes back.
The logic that you need to buy new bed sheets to match the color of your bed which was recently bought to match the new sofa whose upholstery was recently changes to match the new curtains which you got last week to match your walls which was recently re-painted to make the house Feng Shui friendly and thus increase your home savings; would make perfect sense to him.
Alcoholic anonymous is easier to join than most dating sites.
You actually have to never worry about his getting his shirt ironed properly.
As long as you have train him right, the answer to: “Do I look fat in these pants?” “Is this dress too tight?” “Is this top too deep neck?” will always be no. Just give him a beer for every no he says without pausing to think for more than 3 Mili Seconds.
No pressure to come home before he does, in fact the longer you stay in office the longer his friends can stay at your house and drink.
After being disowned for drinking too much his mother, brother, brother’s wife’s sister, brother’s wife’s sister’s aunt’s best friend’s daughter will never come to meet you at your house, leave alone asking you to come to theirs. Problem with in-laws solved !
After 5 large of Old Monk he will start appreciate the nuances of the plot of Diya aur baati hum, and understand the deeper meaning of showing the same slap 5 times from different angle in Kya hua tera vaada.
He’ll pass out on most nights without eating, so you can order Kimchi Salad and Babycorn Manchurian with less oil and less spice as much as you want.
He will never say you have too many cushions.
He will drop your blouse to some tailor that your sister’s best friend suggested, even if it is on the other side of town if there is a bar nearby
Alcohol causes short term memory loss, he won’t remember that you stood in front of your wardrobe for 30 minutes last night as well and complained you have nothing to wear.
In fact he also won’t remember that issue you are arguing about today actually happened last month and you said ‘it was nothing’ back then.
He won’t mind your buying cinnamon scented candles for 2120 Rs. If you tell him this is for lighting his cigarette.
If you stop enough bars along the way he won’t be able to recall that you tow actually went out to buy a pair of jeans for you and came back holding two pair of footwear and a bell chime.
You can tell him “Jaanu bas bahut pee lee tumne, ab aur mat peena” any day anytime. I’m not very clear about the exact benefit of this to you people; but my experience has taught me that you derive some great pleasure out of it even, if the guy just had two drinks that too after an interval of 3 weeks.
Anybody who had 9 drinks since morning will always be a good listener, he won’t be able to give advice on any of your problems but hey, you didn’t want that in the first place now, did you?
He probably would be peeing all over the place, that pretty much settles the toilet seat argument.
No matter how deep cut your friend’s top is, his eyes will never leave his drink at dinner.
And lastly you people will never ever have to fake a headache. Anybody who downed a bottle of Royal Stag will require a crane to get it up.