I recently got to know that something horrifying was done to a person near to me. After that I have no rest, I can't sleep, I can't think of anything else, every time I'm not distracted it starts playing in front of me like a video on infinite loop. And then I start to imagine how it would be, but in the next 2 seconds I stop, because I can't take it, it's too horrifying to even imagine what it would have been.
Now I know what Joseph Gordon Levitt meant by the lines - 'to feel the anger inside in your bones' in the movie The Dark Knight Rises. That's the only true emotion I know now except maybe a deep sense of injustice. My laughs are forced and fake most of the times, happiness is a fleeting momentary misdirection, and I don't have the strength to feel sad for anything else.
So I let this anger be, it sits there coloring my every thought, guiding my every action, aiding my living. And I know I need this anger. I won't forgive and I won't forget. Because this anger contains something. This finite anger strangles the infinite grief it sits on top of. The grief that that happened and I could not do something to stop it. The grief doesn't understand the normal principles of cause and effect, it doesn't listen to any logic, it doesn't care about the basic problem of un-changeability of the past. It's like a beast showing it's teeth, waiting to come out and kill me. But the anger is the lock on the beast's cage. The anger doesn't let me sleep, it makes my lose my appetite, it makes my day dream in all my waking moments about the pain that I need to inflict back. But still I like this anger, I need this anger. This anger I can handle, I have been living with this anger for so long now that I won't know who I am without it.
The anger is my friend here, the only friend maybe. Because he only knows my burden and what I wish to do; no one else.
And what I want, what my anger wants; is not revenge, or some obscure meta-physical concept of harmony or justice. It wants to inflict punishment. Punishment for wrong doings. Karma is a bitch. When you do bad shit, bad shit is going to find you; and in this case it will be me.
If God exists, then he is unimaginably cruel, but even by that I hope God will give me this opportunity. And then I will demonstrate that there are no actions without consequences, that sooner or later it catches up on you. Sooner or later I would catch up to it. Then it would be understood by what Newton meant by - "Every action in this world has an equal and opposite reaction"