The 30 for 30 list

What’s the difference between a clown and a man having a mid-life crisis? The clown knows he’s wearing ludicrous clothes - Anonymous

30 before 30 lists are so cliché so I thought I would rather do something else. Anyways I think there is nothing I can’t do at 31 that I can do while being 29. I mean, I am already married so that takes the sex sandwich between Japanese twins out of the list, Skydiving is as risky now as it’ll be at 31 and Bikram Yoga is something I wouldn’t want even when I’m 60; so the point is that any such list is anyway silly. But I to keep up with the tradition I will make a list of 30 things, starting with:

These 10 things I wish I could tell myself when I was 20, even though I know advice like youth is wasted on the young –

1.       Rock is going to be dead. No need to learn the name of lead guitarist of Aerosmith, just ‘this guy plays guitar with Liv Tyler’s dad’ will suffice. The guys who are still listening to Floyd when they roll the joint are now big time losers.

2.       There is no end or start of the rat race. Whether you flunk or ace the next exam you will have to compete again tomorrow with a different set of people for a different set of things.

3.       You are not too thin. You will wish a body like that when you are 30.

4.       Having a car will not get you chics, or a sports bike for that matter.

5.       You will not be drinking single malts while wearing a Hugo Boss suit and look like the Hugo Boss model when you are 30. You will be drinking a moderately better whisky in moderately better clothes while doing only moderately more mature stuff.

6.       People who want to meet their friends in a quieter place are not old and boring, they just don’t hang out with their friends that often and want to talk instead of head bang when they meet.

7.       And ya that means that the set of bean bags and 5000 W home theater system that you wish to buy will not have a lot of use. You will have to call and ask your best friend whether he/she is free that weekend.

8.       Don’t worry about being the cool guy, the cool guys are either forgotten in a few years or avoided as they keep begging for some help or other.

9.       Rebel without a cause might have been good for Marilyn Brando but don’t be that in your home. Be nice to your parents, they have put up with a lot of bullshit because of you.

10.   It is not too late for anything, and certainly you don’t have to do whatever everyone else is doing around you;  you can be a professional guitar player, baby seal killer, surgeon, used cars salesman, economics PhD, entrepreneur, IT worker or anything else you like. Your whole life lies ahead of you.

Now that Mary Schmich part is done, let me get into Buzzfeed mode.  

10 reasons why being 30 sucks –

11.   Parents no longer give the ‘koi baat nahi baccha hai, seekh jayega’ respite when your screw up.

12.   You have nothing to impress girls neither a tight tee shirt nor a 3 series BMW; and sucking your gut in can only be kept up for so long.

13.   You have to prove you are mature enough for 40 year olds in weekdays in office and fun enough for 25 year olds in weekend with whom you actually want to party.

14.   Your body is becoming more mysterious to you than a 12 year old girl having her first period; you can’t wake up at 7 after sleeping at3, spicy food gives you acidity, hangovers are a killer, you start panting after climbing three stories and bowling 2 overs at medium pace gives you a shoulder ache for 3 days.

15.   You start instagramming your food rather than yourself. Because that has started to look better in your life and you, less so.

16.   Parents put this insane pressure on you / your wife to pop out a kid before you hit this magic number. People who have succumbed to this pressure flood your FB wall with ‘Oh my angel’, “first video of him/her pooping’, ‘vote for my baby for the cutest baby contest’ etc. etc.; makes your resolve even stronger not to succumb to the pressure.

17.   70k bank balance on 1^st, then starts car EMI, house loan EMI / rent, credit card statement, money to maid, bills, groceries. By 10^th bank balance is 5k. By 15^th you are living on the credit card.

18.   The realization that getting that someday for learning the guitar or pottery or how to slam dunk, bike trip to Leh via Manali, reunion of all school friends, passionate affair with a Czech woman that is your neighbour, discovery of a hidden till now but prodigious talent, etc. is never going to happen.

19.   And top of the realization that whatever you mugged up in school and college – Periodic table, square root of 5, minerals found  in Tanzania, angle of drill bit, average height of Cupola, 4 differences between anode and cathode and Porter’s 5 force are going to count absolutely zilch in the rest of your life.

20.   Ads for getting prostrate exams, hair grafting, liposuction, cholesterol check etc. start catching your eye rather than deos and condoms.

But then being 30 is an exciting time, your parents can disown you and you have an actual chance of survival, you have people to boss around of your own at work, men’s and women’s sex drive is equal for the first time and you CAN’T HARDLY WAIT for the next phase of life *drum roll*….. The Midlife Crisis or The 40s.

10 things to look forward when you are 30 –

21.       A hair graft to look like in Beckham in his 20s

22.       A big, shiny, diesel guzzling SUV. Because penis enlargement pumps don’t really work and this is the next best thing to feel great about.

23.       An affair with a 20 something woman; nothing breaks the monotony of married life like getting caught having an affair, endless nights on the couch and the threat of divorce and alimony payments for the rest of your life.

24.       Grey hair add character.

25.       Now you can seriously compete in a sport – Golf, because now you can afford it.

26.       Being an aimless drunk can now be attributed to the mid-life crisis.

27.       Chances of getting beaten up in a road rage incident is really less, the muscular Jaats will now excuse you by saying “Chod na yaar, Uncle sathiya gaya hai ”

28.       Now you can be sure that you took a bad career option instead of pondering over at it at nights when you were 25.

29.       You have children now to unnecessarily push around to fulfil the dreams that you couldn’t.

30.   BEING ALIVE! This really is the cherry of your cake, now you can say a big ‘Fuck You’ to all the people who said ‘marega sala’ to your rash driving, to the people who said it causes lung cancer when you were smoking too much, talked about early heart attack every time you called McDelivery and said it was suicide to jump off the cliff in Rishikesh when you were drunk and thought it was a good idea.

So here is my big cheers to being 30! As the card to Rachel said “It is better to be over the hill than to be buried under it”, isn’t it?