Frog in a hot vicious circle

I think I am having an early onset of mid life crisis. Because I think the first trigger has arrived - to be aware of your mortality, that your time left in the world is finite and you will not be able to do all the things you dreamt of that you need to prioritise and be realistic (I cringe while writing this word here, I hate it, what exactly is meant by it), the dawning of the understanding that your youth is fading away and there is less and less time to do the things that you want and how you are behind on things you assumed you would have by now.

But my bigger problem is something else. It is that I am not striving for fulfilment or happiness but more like distraction and temporary amusement. So I drink beer and eat pizza one day, next day I drink Scotch and seekh kabab, the next time I want to go out to a pub because I'm bored of the first two. And when I get bored of all these three I start planning for a holiday. Then I come back and start this cycle over.

So I am gaining weight, wasting my time and losing my money on these things which give me no long term happiness. One such distraction costs me around 1000 bucks, with my current salary I can buy two such distractions per day, of course I need to pay rent, service my car, travel to office and do some other long term investments, but still I can afford these distractions at least twice a week. You can label this habit as living in the moment, enjoying the present, having fun in the now rather that saving for the future which is uncertain and some other shit like that. But I know the truth that it is what I called it is  - a distraction because I can feel the hollowness and the guilt & despair it leads. Which makes me crave for more fun, more instant gratification. So it goes on and on the vicious circle.

But this was still better if the circle did not keep on getting bigger and bigger every time it repeated. If I keep wasting my time like this I realise I will have no future. I will have extra 10 kgs of weight which I will not be able to get rid of, would have spent on my money on fast food and I will see 5 years later that my friends had bought houses and TVs from that money; and to top it all my career will slow down even further effectively making me poorer in the future due to the inflation. I am afraid I will slowly boil in this hot water of life like the proverbial frog without realising it at what point did it happen

I want to let it all out, to hear me say it or rather read me typing it because these days I can barely hold a thought in my head, all I'm looking for are distractions and more distractions. These days I have started taking my phone with me when I go to shit, which I never did all these years, maybe I cannot be with my thoughts alone even for 10 minutes. I had tried to meditate one day and plan to do more but that is to clear my head of thoughts rather than clear the thoughts in my head, actually to have clarity in my thoughts and face these issues that I am facing. I have started slacking off in my work, I was never a hard worker and probably never will be but I was never this bad, I go to office late, around 12, work for 2 - 3 hours, surf the net and check social networking sites for the rest of the time and come back home thinking about food. What will I eat at home, what dessert can I buy while come and what snack can I buy at the small canteen that has opened in office recently. I guess food is the only thing I look forward to these days. I have a Spain trip coming up sometime in the next 40 days but I am so scared of thinking about it or planning about it because if for any reason it doesn't happen I will be crushed.

I plan to work out more from the next month, give up on the junk food, start working hard at work, plan for my next appraisal cycle which will be due in October, meditate every day for 15 minutes but I have been thinking of doing all this for quite some time now, but I keep waiting for some big event to happen to push me into doing it. Some long weekend (I had twice in the last month), culmination of some life event (I have been having none), some great inspiration from somewhere, perhaps some book or movie that I will reread and my third eye will open. Along with all this I am also afraid and insecure that what if my life is going to stay like this, maybe I will never amount to anything, never even do at par with my friends let alone beat them, maybe I will live and die in anonymity and mediocrity. The past says other wise, I have risen to challenges in the past and have done equally well as my friends so I should be able to do it again. But maybe the hard work that I cannot or would not do is the final key, only it can unlock further doors.

But I need to do these things in the future, not in any order and to find the strength of doing it.

• Get a new job after coming from Spain with a hike 30%
• Lose weight, get back to 70 Kgs

So I can accomplish these things before I am 35

• Buy a house
• Buy a new Toyota Fortuner or an equivalent vehicle
• Get a package of 25 Lakhs

And also these minor goals which also matter apart from the materialistic ones.

• Learn rock climbing, climb something worthy for a beginner.
• Go to Maldives and be able to pay for things that we want to do, though I think I will be still be worrying about money because it is a bloody expensive and you cannot compete will all the world's rich people

Maybe this blog will help. I have already thought about the problem now at least. Even my wife sees that I have problems and wants me to go on a vacation alone to sort out my issues,  a thought not very original as I had mentioned this to her a couple of times that  I wanted to do it.

Phew. I need help and I think I can only look within for it, Hell, who knows maybe my psyche will get fed up of this wallowing in self pity and bounce back on it's own; but till then I wish myself luck. And I remember that there is no luck in this world except what we make.