My name is Chintan Patel and I am not the fastest man alive, or the strongest, or a have a green ring which makes the defacto guardian of this space sector. But what I am is the co-owner of Patel Associates and PM (Project Manager) of Superman.
The origin story –
Let me start with the backdrop or as it is more commonly known as in comic book mythos as the origin story
The year is 2020, labour laws in US have become very tough with only 5 hours per day working, overtime rates are astronomical, everyone including superheroes have a right to union, and all workers have to be insured. And given Superman’s nature of work he is un-insurable. So as a result the superhero business, you know saving the world and shit, has been outsourced to guess what – India.
Now Superman works for an Indian company, my company – Patel Associates with the US government working as a client. And by working I mean actually do the superhero work, not his cover as Clark Kent in the Daily Planet, which was a pathetic cover by the way. This is definitely going in his annual appraisal as feedback from me. I plan to make him a Sardar with the name of Supreet Maan from Amrikka, complete with a turban and beard as his cover. This will be so much better than the current thing he does where he parts his hair differently, wears glasses and thinks no one will recognize him.
The process –
Before you go any further you should know that everything in a BPO or any service company for that matter works by a process and pre-negotiated terms. Any crisis has to be raised as a ticket. Let us see some examples
General Zod is in Metropolis – Has to be a P3 ticket, the damage is localized, no widespread disorder expected, people to be killed are in the 1 – 10,000 range.
Lex bhaai Luthor is causing a war in Qurac – It will be a P2 ticket. Damage is global, planet wide disorder expected but other parts of universe can continue their business as usual. Death toll between – 10,001 and 100,000,000.
Anti Monitor is causing crisis on infinite earths – This constitutes a P1 ticket. Anti matter cannon is about to bring an end to all multiverse. Damage is multi-universal and death toll is 7 x 109 to 10100.
The story –
But enough about Superman, while everyone agrees life is difficult for him what the general population doesn’t know is that life can be even more difficult for this PM and working with these inscrutable clients.
So it so happened that a monster shot into space from Calaton crash landed on earth went into a rampage in the American Midwest, punched his way through Booster bhaai Gold and a few other first level superheroes and finally reached Metropolis. At this stage a P2 ticket was raised by US Government but according to process I had to downgrade it to a P3 as the wildlife killed by Doomsday did not count in the death toll.
Superman responded within 3 hours which is within SLA. He had to finish cleaning his fortress of solitude first as part of the annual KPA.
There was a massive battle and half of Metropolis was levelled (as Doomsday was punched underground for some time and exploded a lot of gas lines). They hit each other so hard that the shockwaves from their punches shattered the windows of nearby buildings. In the end of the monster was killed and Superman was killed as well.
Of course Superman was sent to the fortress of solitude in a stasis chamber to absorb yellow rays and stuff and finally recovered but even after my team member being nearly killed the client has been a pain in the ass. I think people are thankless for saving their lives if they have outsourced that. See the stinker they sent, I nearly pulled my remaining hair out –
“Dear Mr. Patel,
Thank you for solving the problem – 216598 in Metropolis, please pass on our thanks to your team member as well.
But there are some serious concerns raised by our stakeholders and we need your response on the below questions:
- We need root cause analysis of this incident, why was this monster loose in the city?
- Why is the occurrence of natural and supernatural calamity so high in Metropolis? Every other day either some alien or giant robot or mad scientist keeps creating havoc in the city.
- How can we avoid such issues in the future? We need a roadmap to lower the rate of these things happening.
- Total time taken to defeat was 4 hours 13 minutes.
- There is an escalation from the Mayor of Metropolis, they say that there no communication sent from Superman to the city’s civilians that when this issue will be resolved and what was our action plan.
- How are we going to handle the damage caused this battle?
Please submit a RCA document for this issue highlighting our learnings from this incident.
Also we have proposed the below formula for defeating of super villains, this is effective immediately.
Weight of supervillain
Maximum type permitted to defeat
0 – 250 pounds
251 – 500 pounds
501 – 5000 pounds
Secretary of Defense
United States of America”
I tried to give them reasonable explanation but I think they have adamantium skulls that nothing seems to get through, see the reply they sent. At this point I’m not surprised if even Superman jumped into a supernova after shooting himself with a kryptonite bullet while wearing a 1510 SPF sunscreen.
Dear Mr. Patel,
Please find my comments in red
I understand your point we can have a call to discuss these issues further. Also I do not think that classifying supervillains by weight is the most optimum way, this will classify Lex Luthor in the 1 hour category which is his biggest nemesis and the most formidable opponent.
Then we need to create another scale with classifying each villain into a type I to IV category. All classification should be assigned within 5 minutes of fighting the villain.
1. The monster was supposedly killed by the people in Calatan and jettisoned into space as it was too unholy to keep it on their planet.
We need to proactively screen all space debris which is coming towards Earth to see if there are super strong evil monsters on them. Please submit an action plan for this.
2. We do not know what is the reason for this. Same situation is in Gotham and Central City as well. Lot of people keep experimenting on themselves with Particle accelerators, white dwarf star matter and gamma rays which almost always go bad and cause them to develop some super power and an evil attitude.
We need to be informed about any such potential new experiments minimum one month in advance with a rating of 1 – 5 scale on the threat level.
3. The appearance of intergalactic ancient monster on Earth is totally random and cannot be predicted.
Ok. Please provide all the monster appeared on USA soil in the last 50 years. Please classify them as human or alien.
4. Originally known as "The Ultimate", Doomsday was born in prehistoric times on Krypton, long before the humanoid Kryptonian race gained dominance over the planet about 250,000 years ago. He has the gift of utilizing the power of whoever killed him and being reborn with it the next time. He is ranked 46th in the IGN’s list of best villains.
Because of the above complexity it took Superman a long time to kill him.
We understand but this was a very urgent issue, violent wrestling competitions were being held in the city that day which were affected by this incident. The organizers are being sued by the people who bought the tickets but couldn’t reach the venue. Please expedite these issues from next time.
5. Superman was busy fighting the monster the moment he laid his eyes on him and kept on fighting for hours. There was no time to communicate anything and with the general disorder present we also believe the all public announcement systems and broadcast signal were down.
Communication to the stakeholders is very important. Please include this in the best practices to be followed. After 5 minutes of confrontation and accurately understanding the category type of the villain Superman should then convey everyone in the list attached to this email, that the supervillain is being taken care of and what is the approximate time for the calamity to be over.
6.Covering of collateral damage is not under the process of Superman effort. If the city they can raise a separate incident under ‘The Flash – Quick Rebuilding’ section which will be additionally charged
The city has refused to raise a new ticket and wants the damage rebuilt under the same incident. As the monster as well the actions of superman are not any of their fault they are not willing to foot the bill for the damage caused. Please manage internally and have the city rebuilt ASAP
Secretary of Defense
United States of America
Sigh! I wish to go to the anti-matter universe where perhaps the vendors will make the life of client difficult and send them stinkers instead. Tya koi problem nahi thai.
Second image taken from The Art of Dan Scott (DANSCOTTART.COM)