Saturday, March 8, 2008
Its been a long time since I'm writing a blog drunk. Don't have that liberty anymore. Was planning to write about this from a long time. But never got around it.
I left for Pune on the 28th of Jan, a day after coming from Dehradun. Wasn't too much thrilled about it , but I had to do this. Had two interviews, SCMHRD & SIIB. Dad wanted to accompany me, so we left for Pune.
Reached a day earlier that required, to be the safer side.
First day was SCMHRD , was impressed by the competition as well as the students of it. There was something in their eyes, I couldn't place it. But well, they looked like they had seen their Goal somewhere, someplace that beckoned them , someplace that welcomed them with stretched arms. It was inspiring.
REJECTED. Was face to face with this word after a long time. And I haven't got any better to handle it. Came back to hotel, threw my books and slumped on the bed. All tiredness of the day caught with me at once. Dad got worried, tried to console him but didn't do good work with that.
I got along the evening with some effort but soon it was night. Dad slept around 10. Had nothing to do after dinner, couldn't go anywhere, had nobody to talk to.
I was going crazy, I can never have booze the time I want it most. I felt like shouting out loud my angst, couldn't keep it in me. But had nowhere to go, nobody to tell what I felt, was shouting silently lying on the bed. I longed company , of any sort. But had to face my demons , all alone like always. I was reminded very rudely that I can't stay alone anymore now. I was coming apart at the seams.
I have known people asking for bottle of scotch and a hand gun at such times But I wanted to ask for bottle of scotch and a Iron rod. The imagery was so strong in my head that I could see the rod in my hands, a ribbed rod with threads around it, its end not properly finished and rusting. And I'm sure if I would have been in Bangalore that time with a bottle of scotch and a rod somebody would have got his head split due to being hit by an iron rod, and somebody would have been strangled to death. With the rod forming a blue mark on the neck as a sign of strangulation, with popped out eyes to complete the grotesque picture
Had the same feeling on the 28th Feb. SIIB rejected me too. Or rather wait listed me at 839 . Assuming that there were 120 people selected and around 1000 people that appeared. I was pretty much at the bottom rung, And here I was harboring ambitions getting through. Was having sleepless nights from two days. Knew there was only one way to sleep that night, the lethal combination of booze and sleeping pill. Couldn't drink to my heart's content so had one Pacyl, and I was off to sleep.
All those prayers and lucky charms amounted to nothing. Bitter truth was too much for me to handle, though I was able to keep my sanity this time. And a mix of Appy Fizz and Vodka helped me too.
I was doubting my capabilities gain , which I am doing till now. And thoughts about what will I do if I don't get through anywhere clouded my head, and to be honest I had no good answer and I still don't have it.
But I got to know Pune from close. First thing I noticed that it was somewhat like Bangalore. Same weather, same one-ways everywhere, same traffic congestions, and the same people hating outsiders (read North Indians) .
So much for Symbiosis.