How to spot if a Guy is from Bangalore ?

He has spiky hair and a French beard.
He is dark.
He is wearing jeans one size too big and tee shirt two sizes big.
Thinks that wearing Metallica/Maiden/Slayer t-shirts is still cool.

He is wearing Nike/Adidas/Reebok floaters.
With white socks !

He ends all sentences with either 'Da' or 'Machaa'.
Calls a cigarette a 'fag' while acting like one all the time.
He likes to roam around on his Yamaha RX 100 , with a modified handle.
The one that 'Upendra' made famous.

You can find him drinking beer at 2 'o' clock in the noon listening to Classic Rock and swearing that they don't sing it so good anymore.
But he surely won't last till 2 'o' clock in the night.
Other than this the bakery is his favorite 'hang-out'.

Secretly dreams of growing a Moustache one day and being a real Macho-Man.
And a fight consists of shouting "Aaeee" and "Raeeee" in every 2 secs while making obscene hand gestures all the time.But no remembers the time when somebody actually hit someone !

Cruel Joke

I get up from sleep... My head feels a bit weird... Should have not drunk so much last night, but thats what I tell myself every night...

Hmmm... My chest feels a little weird, maybe all that push ups have finally beginning to show fruit, maybe finally I have that pecs.... No wait... Its something else.... I have boobs !!!

Very disturbing... This is the worst hang over ever....

I am a girl...

Dad comes in, runs his hand through my hair and leaves.... Mom shouts that we need to dust the Drawing room today... But I don't think she's talking to me, I mean she's never asked me that before.

I hate whiskey now.... My best friend calls and I am not able to find my phone.. I tell her that but she takes it as a big joke now... Ha ha ha ha ha... A girl who can't find her phone
....

We talk on the phone for nearly an hour... We bitch about Shreya, Sonal and Ritu.... And all this time I thought we all 5 were good friends ... Its Sonal's birthday today, and she is freaking out that I forgot to call her at 12 last night... big deal... Half of my friends forget my birthday... But maybe thats how the game is played.... We talk about the new bottle green jeans that I have bought... Apparently she was about to buy it too.... But then she wouldn't be caught dead in the jeans that I have bought....
Strange.... I have only bought blue Levi's Jeans till now.. Thats what everybody bought.... I am wondering why she laughed so hard when I said I need a light blue jeans and I don't know what exactly sky blue means....

She asks me about the the brown Kurta that I have bought last night.. And tells me about her new tube top... Which is soooooooo..... cute....... And even after talking to my best friend for an hour I feel no warmth... Strange.....

Anyways we make a plan to meet up at Shopper's Stop after office to buy clothes.... I seems we don't have any clothes to wear for Sonal's birthday..... And while coming here I saw an whole Almira full of my clothes.....

In office.
Time to log in Orkut and Gtalk.....

My god !! 20 people online, I have never seen so many people online... After sometime I change my status to busy... It seems like guys can't stop saying HI....

Work is boring.... Hemant and Ashutosh are ready to do my work for me anyways.... They said they will cover up for me for today.... Team Leader says to go back home.. Its already 6..... Though much earlier then my regular time to go home....

Good.. Now I can go partying today.... Saurabh is nearly begging me since morning to go with him... But I can't say yes to him..... He's just a friend you know....

Me and my 'Best friend' meet in Shopper's Stop....

After going through truck loads of stuff we finally agree on buying a top for her... Now why is this shop keeper tugging on his hair ??...

Strange..... I'm having trouble carrying this bag of clothes....

Finally.... I am back home with all that stuff... We also stopped along the way to buy ourselves a pair of hideous ear rings....

- How are these ear rings ???

- Sooooooo... Cute...
This green really brings out the color of your eyes.....

-Huh ??

Tring Tring....
5th call since morning.... All these guys had called to just say to say 'Hi' and had talked on for half an hour... I am not gonna pick this call... He's such an asshole.....

I go back home.. Take a shower and take half an hour to choose clothes for myself.... And apparently I'm in all this cleanliness thing now... I can't wear the shirt I threw on the chair last night...

So its 10 and we arrive at the club... Some sort of Ladies night here and free drinks for all of us...Wow...
Some guys in the distance are being shooed away..... No stags allowed.... Thats too bad...

All the guy's eyes are on me ... Even the ones who are with their girl friends... Strange .. I didn't dress up that well and I needed to lose 5 kgs to wear this dress actually.... I'm bulging from everywhere....

Some of them try to see with the corner of their eyes, some of them look at me and then look beyond me as if they were searching for some of their friends... Guys, I know...

Oh shit ! Girls know !

I go over to the Bar to ask for a beer..... The bartender is ready to oblige me immediately... But he suggests me Vodka Martini instead, all drinks are free anyways for me... Sweeeeeet.....

But why am I getting this feeling that his eyes are following me everywhere ??

Some guy asks me to dance...... I really want to dance and this guy looks like the better of the lot that is here but I say 'NO'... He would have taken me for a slut then it seems.... But why wasn't he looking at my face when he was taking to me ? Poor guy, must have been shy....

Its weird not to sit brazen.... With my legs crossed...

We toast Sonal's birthday every time we order a drink.... We all shout cheers in loud but shrill voice and giggle like School Girls everytime... Who will tell these girls that you only say Cheers once when you start drinking and you never toast to yourself... One of us lights a cigarette and passes it on... But why is not anyone drawing the smoke in ? Hmmm....

Oh my god !
Some friend of hers has brought a cake here to the club... And then we start singing 'Happy Birthday to you' in that voice I had mentioned before.... Man... What kinds of freaks are we ??

Whatever.... I need to go to the loo....

Oh shit ! I have walked in the ladies room... These girls are gonna shout...
Huh ? Nothing happens...
Oh I am a girl now too... But why is everyone hogging the basin and the mirror above it ? Only a few girls seem to be here to pee... A few are talking on the phone for minutes now... Why can't they say "Dude I'm at the club, plenty of hot babes here. Will talk to you tomorrow" and hang up ?

I get back.. All my friends are getting sloshed... And then are shouting 'Oh I'm so drunk' ... Ya, we all can see that anyways....

Sonal asks me to request a song from the DJ...

- "No, he always says no request"
- "Who said that ? He always plays for me."
- "No"
- "yes'
- "Ok i will try"

So I walk up to him and flutter my eyelids at him... "Hey could you please play me......."
- "Sure , it will be the next song"
Bastard ! Why did he had to say no to me everytime ? I always asked for the hottest songs around....

Party ends... Tons of guys ask us to drop us home....
- "Don't worry we'll catch an auto and go" I say.
The girls let out a shreik , some guys start laughing and some guys can't comprehend what I just said....

In the end Sonal finally picks out a guy who will be dropping us from her friends. But not before he offers to buy us a round of drinks and go for a long drive !

Man... How foolish guys are !

Finally we reach my home.... I leave the girls fighting about whom actually was that cute guy looking at.

I get back home, dad opens the door... He grumbles something about the time, my company and how girls should know their limit and goes back to sleep....

I change and go to sleep... Cool....This was the most fun night ever....

I get up from sleep... My head feels a bit weird... Should have not drunk so much last night, but thats what I tell myself every night...

The hair on my arms are back... I run a hand on my cheek... I have a stubble... Freaked I run to the mirror...
no No NO NOOOOOOOOOOO !!!

I'm a guy again. That was all a dream !!

Oh No ! What a cruel joke !


Disclaimer - This is a work of drunk Fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Ennui

A barrage of lights, and a sea of people,
Sounds in the distance and a few smile on loan
They help me peek out of my Palace of ennui. But,
This loneliness never leaves me alone.

The smell of the new air, the sounds of a different scale.
The joy of something new, the thrill of something unknown.
But when all these are done and gone I wish atleast,
This loneliness never leaves me alone.

We all are but passing ships in the vast sea of world,
we think its anywhere together we may roam.
But its the winds and current of life that carry us. Thank god,
This loneliness never leaves me alone.

Sometimes a smiling nod on the way,
A few banter filled talk on the phone.
Life's best year spent with you, but only
This loneliness never leaved me alone.

I know there will be few roads diverging along the way,
Some will lead to oblivion, some will lead to the Throne
There will be more companions beside me on my way.
But soon like leaves in the wind of fate we will be blown.
So with no surety of our time together. Only,
This loneliness will never leave me alone.

But what's the use and whom to blame,
Rant under my breath and cry and groan ?
So, Oh my solitude I welcome you,
This loneliness that never leaves me alone.

People come and go, so shall I one day
I wonder what my epitaph will say on the stone.
But it really doesn't matter. As there too, only
this loneliness will not leave me alone.

.

Beat the Heat

Well here in Rajasthan the temperature is a Soaring 44 C (and its still April). Somebody please stop that 27,245,758 thousand metric tonnes of Carbon Emission !!

Well till that happens here's my 4 ways to beat the Heat -

4. Shower

3. Beer

2. Beer with Shower

1. Shower with Beer


Trust me they work.

City of People

I remember once in my first year I asked my friend Ashutosh "Do you like Bangalore ?". He said "ya I do, but not the people here, I wished the city was Bangalore but the people were of Lucknow only".
To that I replied " The people only make the city, if it had people from Lucknow they would have made this Lucknow only"
He agreed.

But now I am confused.
Maybe the its the other way around. Maybe Bangalore would have made them 'Bangalore people' only.

So now I ask do the people make the city or its the city that makes the people ?

When I entered Bangalore around 5 years back I was a different person from what I left it as. It molded me, sometimes hammered me into shape. And I am not the same I was, I can't think of anything I did to the city but I know of hell lot of things the city did to me.

From a wide eyed and naive boy of 19 to a guy which gets shocked by nothing its been a quite a change.

But the years I was there I influenced a lot of people around me, sometimes subtly sometimes dramatically, sometimes knowingly sometimes unknowingly. And they might have influenced others around them. Thus maybe causing a small dent in this great city's Armour.

When I went to Bangalore I was surprised to see my brother and his friend's lifestyle. I thought how did they lived the way they did, said the things they said.
But after 4 years I became somewhat like them, rather we became somewhat like them.
We got 'Bangalored' in our own way.

But how did we change ? Or how does anyone change ?
There was nothing in the water there. No magic ingredient in the food. It was the people around us that change us. What they say, what they do and what they show they did. And those people make the city and makes us too.

So do we make the the city ? Or it is the city that makes us ?

P.S. - Comments awaited. Maybe we can debate on this and find out. I know this all is very vague and confusing so will try to clarify whatever I can.

Pity us men.........

Problems -

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you don't act nice to her friends, you hate her friends.
If you do, you are a pathological flirt.

If you do not call every once in a while, it means that you do not care.
If you do that means you are acting possessive.

If you get in a fight with someone who passed a comment on her, you are a hot headed jerk.
If you ignore it, you are a coward.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you go out with your guy friends once in a while she is second priority
If you ask her to come along everywhere, you have no life.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you hold the door open for her you are a Chauvinist.
If you do not, you don't have any manners.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you offer to help in a thing she is having trouble with that is demeaning her.
If you not, you simply do not care for her.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If she asks you out thats her boldness.
If you do then "you men are all the same !"

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you use a facewash you are panzy.
If you do not you have no idea how to take care of yourself.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

And you still think that women need empowerment ?


P.S. - The only thing guys have is that the world is their Urinal !!!

In an Absolut world - MBA Interview

Well inspired from the Absolut Vodka's campaign I will be writing about some of my own thoughts for a perfect world.

I'll start from what has become a living nightmare for me these days MBA Interviews.

MBA Interview

Professor : So Mr Chauhan come in and please sit down.....

Me : I already am in Sir and I figured that these chairs are for me only to sit down so I did

Professor : Ok. So tell me something about yourself.

Me : Well I'm crazy about music. I love to party. I have a huge music collection. In fact I secretly wished to be a DJ but I thought I'll earn more money being a manager so I am here. I'm a engineer, from correspondence, now don't ask how. I was a average student in school and had no idea about MBA but started preparing for IIT as it was a big thing in my city. Nearly missed it the 2nd time. So I figured as you are in a average college so its better to have fun.

Professor : So what was your favorite subject in college ?

Me : You seem to have a short memory sir. I said I was busy having fun in college. And nobody likes any subject which they have to study forcefully.

But you can ask me anything about Automobiles because I'm sure that I have 5 times more knowledge in it then any old man can have. And I have mugged up the names of the CEOs of the big companies, their turnover , no of cars produced etc.

Professor : Naah, never mind. you scared me already. Now I will have to ask some HR questions to save face.

Me : Shoot.

Professor : So tell me about your strengths and weaknesses ?

Me : Well sir my strength is that I can drink most guys under the table. I never puke. I never get into fights, or into accidents or majorly embarrass the people with me. I once drank 14 bottles of beer after my breakup and lived to tell the tale.

Weakness, that would again be Booze, I can't resist it. Come exam the next day or Hell or High water. And also I can't get up early in the morning.

Professor : So what are u doing about your weaknesses ?

Me : Sir if I have to get up early then nowdays I don't sleep only and catch up with the missed sleep on the way or in class or at work.

Professor : Hmmm... So tell me an example where you took charge of a difficult situation and came out of it.

Me : Sir once my friend Tarun took me to a place where about 30 guys were ready to bash my bones and it was just the 2 of us. My friends had gone elsewhere and we were alone. But I showed courage in the face of danger and patted the opposite group's leader on the back and said
"Bas yahi ? Jaa apne baap ko bhi bula le hum log tab aate hai" and coolly drove out of there.

Professor : Very good. Now show me an example of your managerial skills.

Me : Sir once my friends had planned a huge party at my place and didn't even tell me about it. But I was asked by one of my friends if I'm having a party at my place (PR). Then i confirmed it the people who had planned the party and started preparing. First I got rid of my flatmate and girl friend (HR) because I knew what ruckus it was going to be (Long term vision). Then I made a list of things required such as plastic glasses, snacks, plates, chilled water and cold drinks and told them where to get it from (material resource planning/logistics). Then I messaged everyone to come at my place for the party, I messaged because it was free (Marketing on a budget). We were a little short of cash so arranged for the money from other people. Interest free loans with no repay period (finance). After we started drinking I made sure that everybody had his glass full and everybody was close to a bottle (Operations). People who asked for whiskey got whiskey, vodka for vodka and beer lovers got beer (Quality control/Six Sigma). Everybody not only got drunk in the end and but some people were totally smashed (Moving from Consumer Satisfaction to Customer delight). I even asked if anybody was drunk that night the next day (Marketing research).

So you see I was born to be a manager.


Professor : Impressive but can you work under stress ?

Me : Well I have studied on the night before the exam every time during my engineering so this can tell you loads about my stress management capabilities.

But I'll give you an even better example. You see sir when I was in my 3rd year my Parents made a surprise visit to Bangalore. They just called me an hour before they were about to reach. And I had just woken up at 4 o clock and was hung over from the night before due to drinking like an maniac. And not to mention that my house was filled with empty liquor bottles and cigarette stubs. From the bed to the curtains everything stank of cigarette. And yes sir I also lived in with my girl friend which my parents didn't knew.

But in that one hour i cleaned out the house, changed the bed sheets, removed the curtains. Threw away the bottles and cigarettes, washed my Dust bin. Removed my girl friend and her stuff. And got a new room mate complete with his books and clothes. And my parents still don't have a clue.

Professor : Wow ! And whom do you consider your Idol ?

Me : Sir Mithunda. In the epic movie Gunda he was one step short of god. Not only was he a good son and a good brother but also a good husband and father. He showed us how to combat evils like flesh trade, Prostitution, Corruption and the value of citizen partnership in law upkeep and benefits of adoption. And not to forget the value of being punctual by his dialogue "Do chaar cheh aanth dus... bus !!!"

And he was not only a dancer, choreographer, musician, poet rolled in one but also a race car driver, weight lifter, boxer, karate expert, Jodoka and expert in all firearms including pistol, sniper rifle and bazooka.

And all the while he was working as a Coolie at the Airport.

Professor : So do u read ?

Me : Yes sir.

Professor : So what was the last book you got to read ?

Me : Well actually sir the last book I read was "Letters to Penthouse" where the Crazy Americans share their all sex stories but I would rather quote something from V.S Naipaul or Salman Rushdie. I have never read any of there books because I can't fathom why anybody would go through 500 pages about a story that is boring, consult a dictionary every two mins to reach a ending which doesn't make any sense or conclude. But I have read their plot summaries and tens of their reviews on the net and mugged all of them up.


Professor : So why this Institute ?

Me : Well after no calls from IIMs or XLRI and getting the shaft from all the top level institutes I have no option to come to you. Also that the college is in a hip locality and I also the heard the chicks in the nearby colleges are hot. Also your website quotes though fake but a high maximum package for last year.

Professor : And why should we take you ?

Me : Duh... I'm willing the pay the fees. And after clearing a challenging exam like CAT i have crammed up truck loads of data about our GDP growth rate, Purchasing power parity, Sub prime crisis, stock markets and difference between bonds and debentures. And facts that I'm never going to use like President of Uganda, editor of outlook business, Finance minister of china, people below poverty line in the US of A.

And the fact that I have traveled 1000 kms to get here, staying in sidey hotel for 2 days now, dressed up in a business suit in the July heat and have dealt with Insane amounts of stress since morning without eating anything. So if that doesn't convince you, nothing will.

Professor : Ok Anirudh, last question. Why do you want to a MBA ?

Me : Well Sir i will be really honest on this one. Well I have seen my parents my whole life taking orders from people who were not even half as competent as them. My friends being tortured by their bosses, while the boss took the credit for everything and the blame always went to the employees. So I thought I better bypass this step and directly enter at higher in the food chain. I would rather dish out shit than take shit from someone.

Also that managers get better paid, promoted faster. Have power lunches, get to travel a lot on company money for sitting in an A/C room passing around vague terms , buzzwords and weasel terms and then get drunk in the night in the post meeting dinner. And videos like 'Naughty Office' where the boss gets lucky with the secretary have made my conviction even stronger.

And lastly the thing is that I made a complete mess of my engineering. And the only way to purge my sins and not spend 10 years of my life sitting in front of the comp typing codes was to do a MBA.

Professor : Well that'll be all. Thank you Anirudh.

Me : Thank you sir.